tiny tim can go f....

"Are you ready for Christmas?" asked the perky wulmurt cashier.

"No, not really," I sighed.

"Why not?" she asked, seeming surprisingly concerned.

"I am just not in the Christmas spirit this year," I answered with a shrug of my shoulder.


An actual snarl took over her formerly perky face. "Ugh!" she snorted, "that's not right!"

Seriously? Seriously you overly chipper, snarky, little bitch?!? You're going to give me an attitude... no! not just an attitude but down-right contempt, because I am not in the holiday spirit?


Maybe you can be happy you blue-shirted, Santa loves me, upbeat, stupid-ass optimist, but not all of us can. Some of us have husbands who will be 100's of miles away on Christmas. Husbands who will probably be treating themeselves to a happy-ending massage while we're putting together some 100o piece toy that our kid just had to have but will only play with for a day, and we're slaving over a hot stove making a dinner nobody is going to freaking eat! Some of us are making do with aging potatoes, a can of corn, and that cheap ass ham you see me spending my last fifteen bucks on for Christmas dinner. Some of us are having to decide whether to actually pay the bills or to buy their kids presents for Christmas this year!!!


So excuse the f**k out of me if I'm not feeling the spirit this year. God bless us everyone my ass! Tiny Tim can go f**k himself too!!!


I am in a dark, bitter mood this holiday season. Get over it ya peppy bitch! Ugh.... I need a drink!

it really could happen

It was a Saturday Centus I could not resist!!! Sorry Jenny, but I simply could not pull this one off without a wee bit of non G-rated language, but it is really only PG so not too far off. ;)



An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes, and then I laughed. It was the longest, hardest, best laugh I had since being diagnosed. The months had been long and hard. That wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was always seeing my family upset. They would try to hide it, but the amount of effort it took them always showed. Today’s grim news had made it all worse until this very moment. One gift changed it all.

Now I held up those shoes and laughed. “I hate that God-Damned song son!”

“I know Mom, that’s why I had to do it.”


writer's note:
This week's effort is a tribute to my most hated Christmas song. I really do hate that G-D song!!! Whenever I hear it I always say, "who the f*** would want shoes when they are about to die?!?" to which my son always says, "i am totally buying you shoes when your old and about to die."


ok, since many people are saying they don't know what song i am talking about in their comments... here it is:

To Give the Boy a Gun

Several weeks ago Sonny told me that he wanted to learn to shoot a gun. When I asked him why he said, "just because I'd like to know how." I told him that was not a valid reason for learning to shoot a gun. He thought he was clever when he then said he wanted to learn to shoot a gun in case we are ever attacked by zombies.

I am honestly not sure if he was trying to be funny to distract me from the severity of the issue, or if he really believes we may one day be attacked by zombies. The kid tends to live in video game fantasy world a good portion of the time. The idea of actual zombies has crossed his mind a time or two.

I ended the conversation by telling him that if he really wants to learn to shoot a gun that he can join the military when he is eighteen. Then he would have a valid reason for learning to do so. Of course I then told him that if he joined the military instead of going to college that I would kick him in his brilliant little ass. The kid is smart. Spooky smart sometimes actually. I do not want him wasting way above average intelligence fighting in some war half way around the world.


flash forward to yesterday......

I received a text from The Idiot. The Idiot is less commonly known as my ex-husband. The text led to others. Here is the run-down of how it went:

Idiot: I want to get your opinion on how you would feel about Sonny learning to shoot a gun

Me: I would rather he not!!!

Idiot: Well, he asked me about learning to shoot a gun a few days ago.

Me: He asked me that too, I told him NO!


Idiot: I told him he would need to have hunter's safety first.


After that I just didn't respond to him. I made my opinion very clear to him. NO!!! It was ridiculous for him to continue on. I feel very strongly about this and there is nothing he could say that would change my mind.

Now, if The Idiot were a hunter and wanted Sonny to learn to shoot so that the two of them could go hunting together... then I could understand it. Then there would be a somewhat valid reason for the kid to learn to shoot a gun. (i don't like hunting, so it is not a totally valid reason to me. i don't get killing animals for fun and they sell food at the grocery store. i see no real need to hunt) Idiot is not a hunter. He has never been hunting in his forty years of existence. Is he planning to start just because his 14yo son wants to shoot a damn gun?!?

I mentioned just a few days ago that Sonny is a very introverted kinda kid. He has few friends. He is quiet and painfully shy. He isn't into sports, he is short and skinny, he gets straight A's without even trying, and he lacks confidence. He feels very picked on by many of the kids at school. He is prone to bouts of depression.



Does any of that seem like a good combination with a gun???? Hell no it doesn't!!!

To give the boy a gun would be stupid and irresponsible!



I have felt for awhile now that I should probably look into a therapist for him. Now I am certain that it is a good idea. I am looking into options now and plan to have him begin visiting one after the first of the new year.

Let the Sun Shine on Him

I do not often talk about my kids here. It often doesn't seem the place. Frankly, I spend more time complaining or feeling sorry for myself here than anything else. My kids are (mostly) a source of joy for me. It means they don't really fit the mood of this sad place. Today though, I really have Sonny on my mind.

I have always been a really shy person, in a nearly debilitating way. I feel incredibly awkward around people I do not know, or do not know well. I suffer from very terrible social anxiety disorder. What does this have to do with Sonny? He is the exact same way.

My poor son is painfully shy. There are times when the sadness and loneliness caused by this are so great that they just poor out of him. He will get into a mood so low that he will simply lay on the floor near tears with his lip trembling. He tries to hide his face so none of us notice, but I almost always do. It breaks my heart.

He is at an age now where his interest in girls is really peaking. He wants so much to ask a girl out on a date, but his shyness keeps him from doing so.

Today I saw something that lifted my spirits and made me smile with pure joy for my son. I was on Facebook, wasting away precious time when I noticed Sonny's status had been recently updated. He is at school, which meant that it had been updated from his cell phone. He is technically not supposed to be on his phone at school, unless it is lunchtime. It was not yet lunchtime. I looked at the status update to see what could be so important that he needed to post from school. That is when I realized that he was not the one to write the status. It said "Cute Girl was here!" Now, it didn't really say "cute girl" it said some cute little girl's name. Yes, I looked through his list of friends to see who "cute girl" was. She really is a very pretty young lady. Here she was, announcing to the world that she was on Sonny's Facebook. I have spent enough time around Dot to know that this is a very flirty thing to do. It is a way to let someone know that you "really like them".

Now maybe not all mom's would be thrilled about the idea of their child taking those first steps into the dating world. For me though, it is like a little ray of sun shining down on my son. It is a glimmer of hope that maybe some of that social awkwardness may just be slipping away. And yes, I am indeed thrilled about that!

The Past wrap up: The Aftermath

While there is more to tell from the past, this particular tale has come to its conclusion. There were a few last details that I feel I should share. The aftermath, I guess you would call it. I am breaking away from the story-like way I have been telling this tale for this part and just providing the details.

Our night with Jesse was pretty much the end of our hanging out at Flyers. It wasn't what had happened with him that stopped us from going, it was just the timing of when it happened. Training camp had started a couple of weeks before that night. There was just one last week before the season officially began. With the start of the season Flyers would once again become a post-game hangout for the players and the fans as well. That meant it was becoming a place we would once again be avoiding, whether the encounter with Jesse had happened or not.

Hub did call Jesse a couple of days after our night together. He offered him those game tickets he had asked about, but Jesse had decided to turn them down.

A couple of weeks later Jesse called me on my cell. He was making a short flight in a private plane. It would take a couple of hours to get there, he would then have about four hours of down time before flying back. He called to ask if I wanted to join him on the flight. Some of those feelings of attraction for him sparked to life and I had considered saying yes. The idea of flying in a private plane, sitting next to the pilot, had an exciting appeal to it.

I knew that the only reason he was inviting me was to help him occupy those four hours of down time. I still had a sense of loyalty to Hub that I couldn't betray. There was also the fact that I was now very aware of the fact that he had a wife. Having an affair with a married man was not a path I wanted to go down. The real truth of why I ultimately told him no was not either of those reasons though. It was remembering how used I had felt once he had gotten what he wanted and the fake romance had vanished. I didn't need more of that in my life. I already had one man in my life that made me feel like shit, I didn't need a second.

That was the last I had ever heard from Jesse. After the season was over, Hub and I didn't hang out at Flyers very often like we had the year before. I would occasionally hear it mentioned that Jesse had been there the week before, but he was never there when we were.

Someone had asked in the post comments where my kids were during all these events. I responded to that in comments, but thought I would address it here too. All of this took place before Tot was a part of our family. Dot and Sonny are my children from a previous marriage. Any nights that Hub and I were out, the kids were with their father for the weekend. I know that I may have written "the next Saturday" or "the next week" in the re-telling of the past, but the fact is that it was actually every other week that we would go out. So anytime I said "next Saturday" it was simply the next Saturday that we went out, which would actually be two weeks later. The telling of the tale is just easier to tell without having to try and include a precise timeline.

I think the fact that we went out every other week may actually have some relevance in the aftermath. I believe that Jesse would only go to Flyers on weekends he knew we would not be there because we were home with the kids. It has now been years since we have been to Flyers and even longer since we have seen Jesse. I did hear once from Brent that Jesse's wife had found out that he had been having multiple affairs. She found photos of naked women on his phone. I felt really bad for her. Turns out they had a baby daughter as well.

I also feel like I should mention that during our night with Jesse that nothing took place between he and Hub. There was nothing "bi" about either of them. Maybe that is not important to mention, and yet I still feel the need to mention it. Perhaps that is the codie in me. Once again trying to protect by making sure no one thinks the wrong thing about either of the men who used me in this situation.

I am not claiming innocence in the situation. I played my part. Mostly though, I was a sad woman desperately trying to find a way to save my marriage.

So ends this tale of our first step into swinging. I wish I could say that this was the end of our attempts at swinging, but it was not. There were still those words that Hub had said when suggesting we take Jesse home with us. I hadn't noticed them at the time, but he was certainly not going to let them go. But that is another tale.

The Past part 6: The Next Morning

I vaguely remember Hub waking me the next morning to say goodbye. He had to work. It was just one more downfall of life in pro sports. Weekends were never free, not even Sundays. It is seven day a week work. It didn’t seem strange at all to be laying there a bit hung-over and having Hub slip out the bedroom door with a quick kiss and a whispered goodbye. At least it didn’t seem strange at first, not until I felt the body lying next to me.

I rolled over to see blue eyes staring at me. The same gorgeous blue eyes I had looked into at the bar so many times and wanted more. Now here they were, along with the sexy pilot they belonged to, in my bed. My first thought was how amazing it was to be there with him. It didn’t take long for that thought to be overtaken by the bizarreness of the situation though.

Did Hub really just head out the door for work and leave me in bed with another man? The sound of his car backing out of the driveway confirmed that he had.


I wasn’t really sure what to think of the entire situation. It was all very strange to me, but this new twist of events was the strangest of all. I didn’t have much time to ponder it though. Jesse was there, looking at me, reaching for me. His hand reached out and with it he grabbed mine. He just lay there looking at me, his palm resting against mine. We didn’t talk for a while. We just lay there, palm to palm, staring into each other’s eyes.



It reminded me of how the night had gone. Hub as always had been a strong, powerful presence. Everything with him is intense. Jesse on the other hand had been gentle and smooth. One was the epitome of rugged desire, the other sensual romance. It had opened my eyes to the differences between men.

After at least ten minutes of simply taking each other in, Jesse finally spoke, “Now what?”

“I’m not sure,” I confessed.

Jesse closed his fingers around my hand, brought it to his mouth and placed a kiss on it. “I’m pretty sure Hub wouldn’t mind us making love. I mean, he wouldn’t have left us here alone together if he did. If he didn’t want anything to happen between us, he would have made me leave. Don’t you think?”

I was completely caught up in the moment. I wasn’t used to romance. Passion, desire, an animal like need for sex… those were they things that had always brought Hub and I together. Gentle caresses, looking into each other’s eyes, romantic words… they were new to me. I was enjoying the experience of it all. So I had to agree with Jesse. I wanted him too much at that moment to argue. Besides, he had to be right. Hub could have made him leave, but he didn’t.

There was kissing and touching and more romance. Then things took the most bizarre twist of all. Jesse asked me to turn over. I really do not wish to go into a lot of detail on this blog about the more intimate moments, but this one part is very important to the story. Therefore, it must be told. I am not a fan of what everyone knows as “the doggy position”. Even typing the words makes me gag a little. To me it is very impersonal and a bit degrading. I shared those feelings on the subject with Jesse.

He kissed me deeply and flashed me his most charming smile. “Please,” he asked, “I love sex that way and my wife never lets me do it with her.”

Wife? Did I know he had a wife? I scrambled through months of conversations trying to recall any mention of a wife. I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I looked down at his left hand. There was a ring. How could I have not noticed that before? Had I been so caught up in the flirting, so distracted by those eyes, that I never noticed he wore a wedding ring?

At that moment I could no longer bring myself to look into those eyes that had always made me knees go weak. I had no right to look into them. They belonged to another woman’s husband. A woman who had no idea where her husband was at that moment. I couldn’t face him; doing so would be facing the fact that I was helping a man betray his wife. I simply rolled over and let him have his way.

He completed doing what he had set out to do and quickly rolled over. All romance was gone. He had gotten what he wanted and now all traces of tenderness had vanished. There was no more looking into my eyes. There was no more holding his hand palm to palm with mine. There were no more sweet and flattering words. Instead he was simply climbing out of bed and getting dressed. “Thanks,” he said, “but I really gotta run now. I have to get back to the hotel and then I’ve got a flight.”

I quickly got up and threw on some clothes. I walked him to the door, wanting to shut it quickly and lock him and all we had done out. He stepped out onto the porch and in another shocking moment he turned back and kissed me. Right there on my front porch where any of the neighbors could see… he leaned in the door and kissed me. “Tell Hub to give me a call about tickets to the game next week,” was all he said as he dashed out to his car.


I shut the door and locked it tight. I moved across the room in a zombie-like trance. For the next two hours I just sat in a chair feeling used and disgusted with myself.

it's the end of the world

I am struggling right now. It's been a really rough day and it isn't getting any better. Tot is having a seriously messed up behavior day. Most days I live with the autism spectrum crap and barely notice it anymore. Other days it just eats at me until I want to scream. Oh, who am I kidding? Until I do scream.

I scream and scream and scream. Some of it is screaming at him to please, please, please stop doing whatever it is that I have asked him to stop doing fifty times already that day. Some of it is just a loud, primal scream toward the heavens. Some of it is me screaming to get his attention because he acts as if he is deaf and can't hear what I am saying to him. (his hearing is fine, it has been tested) I can say something ten times and he makes no indication that he hears me, so I scream the words. Then he tells me not to yell at him.

I am about to go beyond my breaking point. I truly am. I'm not sure how much more I can take today. Hub is out of town on business again. Dot and Sonny are at their father's house for a couple of days. So it is just me and Tot. I am alone with the little "demon" that my normally sweet son can sometimes become. I considered putting him to bed at 6pm but I knew he would be awake at 2am driving me insane all over again.

He has been in trouble most of the day. I try to do something with him to distract him from bad behavior but lasts only a few minutes before he manages to turn what should be something fun into a freaking nightmare. It's a bad day all around. He acts up, I yell. He gets upset and I feel like a shitty mother.

It's worrying me because I get mad at him for doing something stupid and he throws out this sweet, little "I love you Mommy." It worries me because I know he is saying it because he knows he is in trouble and he thinks those words will get him out of it. I hate hearing those words as some sort of bargaining tool. It reminds me to much of his father and all the times he would start telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me whenever he would get caught in some sort of sexual deviance.

I have a five year old who is already learning the same type of manipulation strategies his father uses. What does this say for his future?

I need a break! I need a drink! I need a night out, away from all this!
It's not coming anytime soon. Hell, it is probably not coming ever again.

The past part 5 1/2: The Party Continues

Our little group of friends sat drinking and laughing for hours. That night we were more rowdy and obnoxious than ever; and certainly more drunk. We were celebrating Sue’s birthday with a big, loud bang. It was good to be back at Flyers and somehow this party felt a little like it was a welcome back for Hub and I as well. I think amongst our little group, it kind of was. No one knew quite what had happened, but they knew there had been tension between Hub and I and that it had kept us away for a couple of weeks. It was a relief to them to see us back and to see us happy together again.

To say that no one knew what had happened isn’t quite right though. Jesse knew. He’d known part of the story before that night, but after he and I sat talking quietly, alone for a while, he knew the whole story. I am not sure quite why I decided to tell him everything, but I did it anyway. I had revealed to him the secrets of my love life and he had revealed to me his secret desire to be with me. The dynamics of our friendship had radically changed.

Jesse’s attraction to me was not one sided. He was an incredibly good looking man with the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen. I had always had a physical attraction to him. I cannot imagine any woman who would not. He also had this charm about him that drew people in. He had the looks and the personality. Now he had added a very special ingredient to the mix. He had expressed want and desire to me. As a woman who had been lacking that for so long, it was the most attractive thing of all.

I had never been unfaithful to Hub, and despite my overwhelming attraction to Jesse, I was not going to be unfaithful now either. I would talk. I would flirt. I would secretly fantasize about Jesse, but I would not act on any of it.

Around 1a.m. the crowd had died down. Most people had already left for the night. There were little groups of people hanging on here and there throughout the bar. Our group was one of them, although even some of us were beginning to head for the door. Jake was one of us that was ready to call it quits. Hub and I both walked him outside and made sure he was deposited safely in a taxi before we returned to the bar.

As we walked toward the door Hub gently grabbed my arm. I stopped and looked up at him. He smiled at me and said, “I know you’re really attracted to Jesse and that you want him.”

I was shocked that he knew. I thought we had played it off pretty well. I was wrong. I knew the shock had registered on my face and I tried to play it off as being shocked that he could think such a thing. “What are talking about?”

Hub rolled his eyes at me, but he smiled when he did. “Look Rocki, I know I was an ass the last time we were here. You were right. It was stupid of me to expect you to want another woman in our bed when I had said no to having another man there. I’m sorry.”

At that point I was really confused. I had thought he was about to be angry over Jesse and I. Instead he was apologizing. It didn’t make sense, but I was really happy to hear him admit he was wrong. “Thanks Hub. That means a lot, but the truth is, I didn’t want to do anything with that guy anyway. He was creep.”

Then, Hub totally shocked me. “I know. I also know that you’re really attracted to Jesse. I know that you want him, and it’s obvious that he wants you. I want to prove to you that I am willing to do this for you.”

“Do what?”

“I think we should invite Jesse to come home with us tonight. I am willing to bring another guy in for you. I can’t ask you to let in a woman if I’m not willing to let in a man. I know you want him. So I say we do this.”

I was so caught off guard by all this that I really wasn’t able to think straight. I was also really, really drunk. The combination of the two was certainly not conducive to rational thought. I was able to look back later and realize that I had never really wanted anyone else in our bed with us. Not man or woman. For me it had just been the excitement of the talk. I never really wanted to go through with any of it. At that moment I couldn’t grasp that though. I had also not paid close enough attention to Hub’s words. There was something he had said that would become very important later. The individual words were overshadowed at that moment by the overall content though. Jesse, a man I was extremely attracted to, a man who had just showered me with all the words and attention I had been craving for months, a man who truly wanted me, a man I thought was off limits… had now been made accessible for me. Was I thinking straight at that moment? No. All I was thinking was that I could be with Jesse.

Hub and I returned to the bar just as Brent was calling it quits for the night. We said goodbye and returned to the table where Jesse was conveniently now sitting alone. The conversation between the three of us didn’t amount to much. We just chatted about little things. Then Jesse, as if he knew what was coming, and maybe he did, said, “It’s a shame the party has to end.” It was the perfect opening to which Hub replied, “Well you could always come back to our house and we could continue the party there.”

That is exactly what he did.

We sat in the living room for a while talking, having another drink, and watching some comedian on TV. It was very odd at first. No one seemed to know what to say or do. I can’t really remember what exactly was said. The only thing I can really remember clearly is that Jesse was the one to finally say, “We all know I’m not here to watch TV.” With that the ice was broken and we all went back to the bedroom.

I am not going to give the details of the rest of the night. I will only say that I hadn’t really known what to expect, but anything I had imagined was nothing like what happened. The biggest reality that came to me from that night was how completely different men can be.

Of course the strangest part was yet to come…. The next morning.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 5: The Birthday Party

When I last left off my tale of the past, Hub and I had just gotten into a fight. We had met a couple we had considered “swinging” with. The couple, whom I refer to as the Swinger Singers (or SS) got weird and turned into two individuals rather than a package deal. Hub had flatly refused the idea of hooking up with just the male half of the couple, but was ready to jump at the chance to hook up with the woman. Pissed off by the double standard, I had argued with him at our favorite bar, Flyers, in front of our friends. One particular friend, Jesse, seemed to be taking a big interest in what was going on, and an even bigger interest in me.

And now on to part 5 of the tale…

Hub and I argued with each other for a couple of days after our encounter with the Barracuda. Finally the air between us cooled and life returned pretty much to normal. We no longer had bedroom talk that involved making plans to hook up with anyone else. The subject had silently, and mutually, been dropped.

We had also skipped hanging out at Flyers for a couple of weeks. I missed our friends, and Hub missed the attention he got there. There was no question that we would go back. We just weren’t sure quite when that would be. Then one day we got a phone call that decided our return for us. One of the bartenders, Sue, was having a birthday. She was turning forty and the rest of the Flyers crew wanted to give her a big bash. It was all arranged that everything was going to happen right there at the bar so that even those who had to work could help her celebrate. One of the other bartenders called us to be sure we would come. Sue was one of our favorites at the bar, and there was no way we would miss helping her celebrate her birthday. The next Saturday night, we would return to Flyers.

That night was like no other at Flyers. The place was packed. Everyone loved Sue, so they had all turned out for her party. There were so many pilots there; I had to wonder if there were any planes in the sky. Every karaoke nut in town seemed to be there as well. Add to that a mix of Sue’s friends and family, and every person on the staff and the bar was at capacity. It was noisy, it was crowded, and it was a lot of fun.

At one point even Hub got into singing karaoke. Sue had somehow talked him and Terry into singing a duet. Hub’s deep baritone voice covered the male vocals, while Terry managed the female. It was quite a sight to behold; or rather, quite a sound to hear.

It tends to happen at parties that couples go separate ways and mingle with various people. This night was no different and it was just what happened with Hub and I. Had the Swinger Singers been there, or either one of them, that may have been different. Luck was on our side and they were not there that night. Well, probably not so much luck as the fact that Sue didn’t really like them and they weren’t invited. Still, it was a public place and there was always the chance that they could just show up.

I had left Hub chatting with Terry and Sue about the possibility of a repeat performance and headed to the bar. As I waited to order a drink, Jesse slipped in beside me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asked.

“I have a life outside of Flyers Jesse,” I spat at him as I flagged down the bartender. Jesse and I both ordered drinks. As we waited for them to be made spoke quietly to me, “I wasn’t sure you were coming back.”

“Why? Because Hub and I got in a little fight?”

“No. Because I thought the Barracuda might have run you off.”

The bartender brought us our drinks and we walked together toward the back of the bar. As we walked Jesse leaned in close continuing what he had been saying. “I would have been really disappointed if that had happened.”

I knew where this conversation was going. I also knew that I should try to avoid having it. At the time I needed it though. I needed to hear a man say that he wanted to see me, to talk to me, to be near me. I wanted all of those things from Hub, but he wasn’t giving them. I needed them, and so I sought them out from this handsome pilot. I was willing to get the attention I was so desperately craving from this gorgeous man who was ready to give it to me. So I asked, “Why?”

Jesse said everything I expected him to say. He told me how much he enjoyed talking to me and that seeing me here was the highlight of his week. He told me that came here always hoping to see me and to get to spend at least a few hours next to me. It was everything I wanted to hear. We sat talking alone in the back of the bar for at least an hour. Eventually Brent, Jake, and some of the others wandered over to join us. The conversation changed, but my eyes would still meet Jesse’s and everything we’d said to each other was held there.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

the romantic evening

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story. No illustrations are permitted. Your story can be fact or fiction, just keep it PG, please!
This week's SC is one with a twist...
You know those horoscopes in newspapers? One of those will be your new prompt. Pick one randomly from a paper or a website and write a story <100> words about the kind of day the horoscope "predicts".

First, I present you with the horoscope I found using Facebook's Daily Horoscope application:
You could be reliant on your ability to bounce back after a disappointment for a good part of the day today, Gemini. In the evening however there is an Opportunity Period that may put you in a more social mood without your having to follow your usual "withdraw and recharge" pattern. Avoid the urge to butt into others' conversations, or get your two cents in no matter what; this kind of behavior could be seriously damaging to your reputation and your authority today.


I couldn't manage to get this one in 100 words or less. I tried hard to manage it, but no matter how I edited I couldn't do it. I could not get the story out in so few words this time. So here is my effort, coming in at 126 words and still not as good as it should have been:

Jeff and I had planned a romantic evening for tonight weeks ago. I was incredibly disappointed when he called earlier and cancelled because he wasn’t feeling well. I decided I would just sit home in my pj’s watching sad movies and eating junk. When Rosie called to invite me to a party I was going to say no, but she wasn’t having it.

I was fixing myself a drink when I overheard two women whispering about Jeff. I managed to catch, “Jeff gave her some line about being sick”.

I couldn’t help myself and butted in loudly; demanding they tell me what was going on.

Just then Jeff walked in with a small black velvet box in his hand and a hurt look in his eyes.

take a deep breath

Back on October 12th, I had written a post about crashing back down to the bottom. If you missed it, is can be found here.

Yesterday was Dot's first court appearance. Not that she actually appeared in court. We went to the courthouse for juvenile cases and sat down to wait. Luckily, she was one of the very first cases. (i have sat many hours waiting for a case to be called before when dealing with family court. it can be brutal!) She wasn't called into court though, she was called by the court appointed attorney. For those unfamiliar, which I hope most of you are because you don't want to have to be familiar with any of this........ you will almost always meet with a lawyer first to try to find a way to get out of actually having to go into court. For Dot, that meant filing for a diversion. We went through a long application process for this, but the application is now indeed filed. It is time to wait for her to get scheduled for a diversion interview. After that they will determine if she qualifies. It was a first offense, and she has never been in any kind of trouble before or since. Her chances should be good, but I am still crossing fingers and saying prayers.

For now, we are just glad to have this first step out of the way.

If she qualifies for diversion none of this will ever go on her record. The charges get completely dropped and it is as if it never happened. Well.... she not only has to qualify for diversion, but she also has to live up to the restrictions which are a lot like probation. Shouldn't be a problem. She is a good kid that got mixed up with a bad kid is all.

I feel like I can breathe a little easier for now.

And the final grade is....

It's an A!
With a final grade of 97.23% in my health class.
Hurray!!!

as for the other class, the one I was sure would be a B at best after taking the final.....


it's an A as well!!!
only a 93.2% in that class, but that is still an A!
Hurray again!!!

fragments, run-ons, and verb tense.... Oh My!

I am in a college writing course. Not the fun kind of writing course where I get to write stories. It is the boring, technical kind of writing course where we learn about grammar and such. I know I don't have perfect grammar so I am ok with taking this class. I do believe I will learn a few things and leave the class having gotten something out of it.

I am amazed though as I read some of the posts in discussion. In a class where we are currently studying grammar, there sure are a lot of grammatical errors. By a lot I mean there are posts that are almost completely impossible to decipher due to the amount of errors.
I struggle a bit with proper punctuation. I also have the occasional fragmented sentence. At least I have a basic grasp of proper English though.

I know, I KNOW! Not everyone is at the same level when it comes to education. While the schools in this city are certainly not the greatest, they are also, by far, not the worst in the country. I was fortunate enough to receive a relatively good education growing up. Not everyone was as lucky. I also know that for some of these people in my class, English was not their first language. The language does have a variety of odd grammar rules. I know it it tough to learn them all. I know! I am still a bit frustrated though.

The frustration comes from the fact that I have to interact in group discussion with people whose writing I have to work hard to decipher. In my last classes there were certain people that after the first couple of weeks I didn't even bother to read their posts. I could tell by who posted whether or not I would be able to make an intelligent and substantive response to the post. Maybe that is unfair to some of the others, but it was how I managed to get by.

One thing I would love to do is just SCREAM on the message boards for these people to type their responses into Word before posting. At least then most of the errors would be caught by Word's grammar and spelling software. Really, isn't that a good method for them to learn to catch and repair their mistakes? It works for me.

I am done ranting now. Back to class I go.

The past part 4: Barracuda

After months of "adding spice" to our marriage by doing a little late night fantasizing about "swinging" Hub and I had found ourselves planning to actually make it a reality. We thought a couple who could help that to happen had just sort of magically appeared in our life. One phone call had given us doubts about them. Later, an encounter at our favorite bar with the male half of the duo had turned the whole thing into a big no deal. At least that is what I had thought at the time.

The week after the male half of SS showed up at Flyers offering to become the three in threesome we headed back to our weekly hangout. The idea of running into him again was a little freaky, but we were not going to let it keep us from going to our favorite hangout. We didn't really think he would be trouble anyway, and besides, we had enough friends there that if he tried to cause any problems we had numbers on our side. Turned out we didn't need to worry about it at all anyway, he was not there.

He wasn't, but the female half of SS was.

Now, we had no idea what the real story with these two people actually was. She had referred to him as her husband, and he had stated they were divorced. Up until the week before we had always seen the two of them at the bar together, but that past week it had been just him. Now it was just her.

In my mind we had already written this couple off as being creepy and didn't want to have anything more to do with them than a passing hello. For me the idea of even talking to them was now taboo. They had given off a weird vibe, the guy had totally creeped us out, and to top it all off, everyone knew they were swingers. If I were to ever dive into that world I wanted it to be totally secret. Just being seen talking to them made me feel like our friends would think there was something going on. Our friend Jesse, the handsome and mischievous pilot, certainly caught on to the concept that something was up. I felt lucky that he thought it was just the SS coming on to us, and he thought that we had politely refused. I didn't want to risk anyone else figuring that much out, and I didn't want him figuring out there was more to the story.

Hub on the other hand, didn't seem to see anything wrong with the female half of SS walking up to us and striking up a conversation. Jesse must have been a fantastic pilot because the man had the eyes of an eagle. They saw everything and didn't miss any details. Hub and I were at the bar when female SS had walked up and started talking to us. While I had turned my attention to the bowl of pretzels, Hub had turned his attention to her. As I contemplated whether I should shove the pretzel in my hand down Hub's throat or the female SS's, Jesse snuck up on my other side.

He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "It appears the team has broken up and they're going it alone these days."
I stared at my pretzel and managed to mutter something like, "Mmmmhmmm".
"So, last week the creep was flying solo?"
"Yep."
"This week it's the barracuda flying solo," he whispered, emphasized with an elbow jab to my ribs.
He managed to get a half smile out of me, "it appears so."
"So I wonder then...." he paused waiting for me to look at him. Always that hunger for my full attention. He would not continue until I was once again looking into those pools of blue. When he had my attention he went on, "if Hub said no to him..." this time a pause for effect. "what do you suppose he will say to her?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. I just kept looking into his eyes wondering how he always managed to know exactly what I was thinking.
"He'll say yes," I said with certainty.
"Undoubtedly so," he said with a look of concern. Then he leaned in even closer and asked, "and what will you say Rocki? Will you tuck your tail between your legs and cower down? Are you going to blindly follow along with what Hub wants, or will you stick to your guns?"
It was like a slap in the face. How? How in the hell could this man possibly know what my life was like? Somehow he could see right through me and into my deepest thoughts and worries.
He asked again, "well Rocki? What will you say?"
That was it, I couldn't take it. I looked him in the eyes and whispered back, "Fuck you Jesse!"
He leaned back and that devilish smile of his spread across his face, "anytime you want to Rocki" and he got up and walked away.

I watched him walk back to the corner table where he sat and stared at me. I turned toward Hub and wondered how he could have missed all that. Then I realized that he was just as involved in his conversation with the barracuda as I had been with Jesse. We had both been too involved with someone else to notice what each other was doing or saying.

I tapped Hub on the shoulder and he turned to me. The barracuda looked down at her drink and stirred the ice with her fingernail. Hub said the words I knew he would, "she wants to know if we want to hook up with her tonight. I'm up for it if you are." I threw a quick glance toward Jesse who drew a question mark in the air with his finger. Once again daring me to answer the question, "what will you say Rocki?"

I looked at Hub with challenge in my eyes. I was challenging him to dare to argue with what I was about to say. "When it was just the 'husband' it was creepy and you wanted nothing to do with the whole thing, saying that there was something 'wrong' with these people. Now that it is the woman presenting the same opportunity you're suddenly ok with it? For some reason there is suddenly nothing wrong with them?"
"It seems less creepy to me, ya" he said.
"Well, it seems like a double standard to me," I hissed. "You think I should be ok with you bringing another woman into our bed, but you don't have to be ok with bringing another man in?"
"Fine! We won't do it," he barked. "I was just trying to find a way to make our fantasy happen.
"That is not our fantasy Hub! That is yours. I want no part of it."
"Whatever, let's just get out of here and go home then" was all he said. Then he got up and quickly headed for the door.

I sat for another minute or two and finished my drink before getting up myself. The barracuda had already slinked away to the other side of the bar while Hub and I had fought. As I got up from the bar stool and headed for the door I looked to the corner table where Jesse sat smiling. He raised his glass to me as if in a toast. I had a feeling he was going to be trouble, but at that moment he was my hero.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

From A, A to B, B?

I have finished my first two college courses now. Wish I could say I am on to bigger and better things, but my next two are both just more of the same thing. Classes that are really just to prepare us all for when we start taking actual classes. No wonder most colleges don't allow these credits to transfer! Oh well, it is what it is. It's alredy paid for so there is no going back now.

I didn't do as well on the finals as I wanted to. Of course that was my own fault. I really slacked off in the last five week of classes and was doing the minimum to get by. I was getting full credit for participation and making A's on the assignments. I wasn't bothering to read full chapters or to take notes. I was only reading what I need to in order to answer questions and complete assignment. I knew it was going to come back to bite me in the ass and it did. I still did well on the finals, finishing both with a B, but I could have done much better. Now I am looking at probably having a final grade of a B in one class, and maybe if I am lucky a low A in the other. It could be a B though as well. And I referred to these as mindless, moron classes. Especially the one that I will certainly not get an A in. Ha! Ironic.

Tomorrow starts two new classes and this time I know not to let myself get lazy. In fact I have already started reading and taking notes for one of the classes. I just wish they were something I could take an interest in, but I doubt I will. It certainly would make it easier to focus!

I never remember

If you read this blog alot then you know what time it is. Saturday Centus time! One of my favorite times of the week. You also know the drill... take the given prompt and write a story (fiction or non-fiction) using only 100 words, not counting the prompt. I've gone with non-fiction this week.

Here is my 100 word thought process for the week. Prompt is in color:

It was the 11th anniversary of my first wedding. No wait! It was the12th. That was back in July, but I hadn’t thought of it then. I used to remember, on the day. “This would have been our 3rd anniversary,” I would think, and my mind would drift nostalgically back. I’d remember my gorgeous gown with the twelve layer skirt and another 10 layers of petticoat. I’d think of my hair cascading down my back in curls. Feeling and looking like a princess. Then I’d remember how the air-conditioner had been broken and I regretted those layers and cascading hair.

But… I never remember it anymore.

The Past part 3: Swinger Singers

It was the next Saturday and I was feeling apprehensive about going to Flyers. While it had been fun and exciting to talk about "hooking up" with another couple, the thought of making it a reality suddenly scared the hell out of me. Hub somehow convinced me that I was just nervous and that once we got there and we saw the Swinger Singers, that I would be excited about the idea again.

We arrived at Flyers and hung out with our usual little gang of friends in the corner. The excitement Hub had promised had not taken hold of me. I was enjoying just hanging out with Brent, Jake, Terry, and another pilot named Jesse. Secretly I was hoping like hell that the SS didn't show that night. Arriving fashionably late, SS sauntered in, dashing those hopes. Beside me I could feel Hub straighten up a little as he noticed their arrival and the excitement kicked in for him. For me, there was no excitement, only wonder at what I had agreed to.

Hub excused himself and went to the restroom which was only an excuse to leave the table without being too obvious. The SS were in the path to the restroom so he would have to walk right past them and it was a pretty sure thing they would stop him to talk. On his way back, that is exactly what they did. I tried to follow conversation at our table, but was sneaking glances at Hub and SS wishing I could read lips. About this time Jesse leaned over and whispered something in my ear, "looks like the SS are trying to recruit you guys to the lifestyle." On the inside I sort of froze up with this feeling like we had been caught at something. On the outside I managed a smile and a laugh like what he'd said was both funny and absurd. I turned my head Jesse's way and was met with laughing blue eyes. I suddenly forgot all about Hub and his conversation with the SS. My fake smile was replaced with a smile of genuine pleasure. Unlike Trent or Jake, there was no big brother or best friend vibe coming off of Jesse. He was more the movie version of the handsome pilot who smiled charming and breathed sexy. We talked, he flirted with me, I flirted with him, and all thoughts of Hub and the SS were gone.

My moment of flirtation with the handsome pilot didn't last long though. After a few minutes Hub was there whispering to me that he had SS phone number and we would call them later in the week to see if things might work out. Once again, I had a fake smile on my face.

Later that week Hub did call and talked with the female half of SS. He then gave me the phone and I talked with her a bit too before she put the male half on. We talked for a while. Something interesting came out in the phone call. It turned out that SS might not be the married couple of swingers everyone thought they were. According to him they had been married but were now divorced. They got together sometimes to hang out and took part in the swingers scene together. It gave me a creepy feeling about them, and any thoughts I had of actually going through with this were dwindling fast. The strangest part to me was that he had said they were divorced and yet she had called him her husband. Not sure if it was old habit, or if he was trying to pull something, but it didn't fit. Hub had gotten a similar vibe and felt like something was really off about them, but he still wasn't ready to give up on the idea of "hooking up" with them.

The next Saturday the male half of SS was at Flyers and he was flying solo. He managed to flag me down on a trip to the bar and talked to me for a bit. His "ex" wife was out somewhere else with a date and so he thought he would come to Flyers and see if Hub and I were interested in "going somewhere" with him. I told him I would talk to Hub and let him know. It was not the scenario we had always talked about during our late night fantasizing. Part of me was intrigued by the idea. It was the part that really did not like the idea of letting Hub be with another woman. At the same time, this guy gave me the creepy vibe and I really didn't trust that he and his wife were in fact divorced. I made my way back to Hub and managed to get him away from everyone else under the pretense of dancing so that we could talk without our friends overhearing. I told him what creepy SS had said and Hub was totally against the idea. I was relieved. At least at the time, I was.

Dancing during karaoke was a rare thing. It might not have been the best cover for the fact that I wanted a private conversation. Still, there was actually someone there that night with a decent voice who was singing songs worthy of dancing to. We weren't the only couple on the floor that night. Women were scarcer than usual in the bar that night though, so for the single guys there was not a wide selection of possible dance partners. As the next song started, Jesse swooped in pushing Hub aside and declaring it was his turn on the dance floor with me. He had one of those personalities that won everyone over, male and female alike. So Hub laughed, handed me over with a smile and said, "be my guest." He had other things to attend to anyway, such as telling creepy SS that nothing was going to happen. I was trying to watch for his reaction but Jesse was not one to accept anyone's attention being on someone other than him.
"You could hurt a man's feelings that way."
"What?" I asked, wondering once again if he could read my mind.
"You're dancing with me and you're still watching your husband. It breaks my heart a little."
He had me laughing and I couldn't help but to look at that handsome face and get caught up in his gorgeous blue eyes. "Sorry, you have my undivided attention now," and he did. We didn't say anything else as we continued our dance. As the song was ending Jesse nodded over to creepy SS and said, "I was right. He's trying to get you guys into the swinger thing."
Nothing was going to happen. It all felt like some weird nightmare. I figured there was no harm in admitting the guy's intentions, although I chose to leave our own intentions out of it. "Ya, he is."
"And?" Jesse asked.
I looked at him wide eyed and shook my head, "NO! Eww!"
He laughed and began walking me back toward our table. "Good. I'd hate to see you do that," he said. Then he looked at me with a mischievous look in those baby blues and said, "well, at least with that creep." He flashed his most charming smile and winked at me. We arrived at our table then and he grabbed my hand and moved it towards Hub's declaring, "I have returned your wife to you sir."
Everyone laughed, but I caught a quick glimpse at Jesse's face and mischief was very much still there.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 2: Flyers

the names used in this post, in the whole retelling of this tale, have all been changed in order to hide true identitities

I have mentioned before that Hub worked in professional sports. It got him certain benefits and perks in a lot of places. One such place is a bar that I will refer to as Flyers. That is, of course, not the real name, but it was located near the airport and was a favorite hangout for pilots and others in the airline industry so I think the name fits the place.

Flyers offered Hub free drinks and food. Having anyone associated with the team in the bar was good for business. Where the players and staff went, the fans followed. Hub and I didn't frequent Flyers much during the season though. It was off-season, when the fans were conveniently involved in watching a different sport and off stalking those players, that we chose to hang at Flyers. Over zealous, star struck fans were not our favorite people to spend time with, for what I think should be obvious reasons. So, it was in the off-season that we would spend most Saturday nights at Flyers.

In our time there we got to know a great deal of people. There was of course the Flyers staff who were wonderful people that took great care of us whenever we were there. Then there were the pilots. We had gotten to know a few of them pretty well. One of them, Brent, was an insanely funny guy who became a good friend of ours who we would actually hang out with outside of the bar. There was only one other person, Jake, that we had ever hung out with outside the bar, and he was an incredibly sweet man who became like a bit of an older brother figure for us. (he declared himself too young to be an uncle or father figure) Then there was Terry, who was also insanely funny, a loud and proud of it bisexual, and was at Flyers enough to be considered part of the decor. We never hung out with him, except at Flyers, but he was always part of our group when we were there. Some of the others were good drinking buddies, but not anyone we would hang out with anywhere else. Still, when we went to Flyers it was a bit like Norm walking into Cheers. People knew our names and were glad to see us there.

Then there was the karaoke crowd. Saturday nights were by far the most fun to be at Flyers and it was all due to the karaoke. I do not sing, and neither does Hub so that is not why we were there. No, it was the entertainment value that brought us in. It was not that the people were good, but rather the fact that they were so bad, that kept us coming back. We would sit in the back corner with our pilot buddies and trash talk the karaoke singers. It was how our little group had fun. That and jaeger bombs.

The karaoke crowd was almost always the same people. There was the occasional newbie, or random person who had just happened to wander in. Mostly though, it was the same people week after week, singing the same songs and putting their own "funk" on it. Some even had choreographed their own dance routines. That added to the entertainment value for our little group.

All the groups got to know each other. So there we would be, the Flyers regulars... the pilots, the karaoke people, and Hub and I all hanging out on Saturday nights. Nothing ever really seemed to change until one day when the couple I now refer to as the "swinger singers" came in.

The night they breezed in the door, most of us knew there was something different about them. I don't know what it was that raised our awareness about them, but everyone at our little table in the back felt it. Our group watched them all night, fascinated by them for reasons none of us understood at the time. They stayed for a couple of hours and then headed out the door with a wink and a wave in our direction as they left. The air in the room almost seemed to change and the night was suddenly just a regular Saturday night once more.

The SS couple became regulars at the bar themselves. They got to know everyone and mingled throughout the room. They were extremely flirtatious, and both of them were very good looking. He had a way of slipping in beside me at the table or at the bar and talking like he'd known me for years. She just screamed of sexuality and flirted with everyone, man and woman alike.

One Saturday they didn't show up and that made them the topic of conversation for our little group. Terry was the first to say out loud what we'd all been thinking, "they're swingers!" and went on to list the many reasons he knew it to be true. We had all seen the signs and felt the same way. It was Terry and Brent though, who had actually witnessed them leaving the bar with another woman one night and had been dying to tell us all for a couple of weeks.

That night after we had gone home Hub did exactly what I had expected. He declared that people who would be up for what we had been fantasizing about for the past few months had just "naturally" appeared in our lives. Still feeling the excitement of a night out, and the effects of a couple jaeger bombs, I agreed with him. Our fantasy talking that night evolved into planning a conversation with the Swinger Singers.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 1: compromising

This is a story I have meant to get out and put into words on this blog for two years now. Something triggered (not the bad "triggering" for those who speak the codie language) the memory of it all last night, and I felt it was time. I debated today whether or not to write it though. I thought of how there are actually people reading this blog now and it very nearly stopped me. But the fact is, I created this blog for me. If someone reads this and decided to look down upon me, or thinks badly of me so be it. I am who I am, and I have lived the life I have lived. This blog has never been a shiny happy place meant to entertain the masses. It is all about me facing the demons of my past, present, and future so that I may deal with them. So if someone is offended by what they read here and decide to never again read this blog, that is their decision to make in life and their path to follow. This is the story of my life, of my fall to rock bottom, and my slow painful climb back up. That climb will never happen if I do not take a look back down every now and then and remember I need to keep pulling myself up.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have also done things that others would view as something I should be ashamed of, and yet I am not.

Life became this confusing, twisting spiral effect. Up and down, and round and round. I would swing down, just to dip back up a bit, before swinging back down once again. Each dip and rise spun me round, creating this dizzying sense of confusion. I never quit knew where I was or what direction I should be moving in.

Is that an excuse for doing things out of the norm? Blame it on confusion, or the lack of direction I had in life. Maybe it is. I don't know, I just know that it was the way my life moved for a few years.

There was a time, a couple of years after discovering Hub's secrets that I was desperate to win back his full attention. I wanted to be what he desired. The only thing he desired. It was a twisted way of thinking. I know now that it never had anything to do with me. It was all him. But the fact was that when we met he made me feel more desirable and sexy than anyone ever had. I missed that feeling, and struggled to find a way to recapture it.

It was during this time that I began to compromise. It came in many forms and through a variety of decisions. One of these was a compromise of both my beliefs and values, and the vows of marriage. We began to discuss the option of.... well, I guess most people would refer to it as a swinger lifestyle. I did not see it that way. I had no intention of letting it become a lifestyle. To me it was, at first, simply bedroom talk that seemed to get us both aroused. The talk appeared to have the right effect because I once again felt desirable and sexy. I managed to shut out the fact that it was talk of adding in someone else that raised that desire in Hub for me. It was, after all, for me.

What started as simple fantasy and talk seemed to become more real. It evolved in to what I guess would be considered planning. Where would we go? How could we meet someone who was willing to take part? What signal could we do to indicate we both felt that this person or people were "ok" for us.

My first indication that something was wrong with all this was when Hub had answers for some of those questions. He knew where and how to go about finding people who were into such things. He knew of listings in certain publications and websites were such people found each other. I can still feel that sensation of my heart dropping into my stomach and landing with a dull thud. That feeling of it being lodged there, irritating my stomach and causing it to roll and rumble. He knew those things for a reason, and it was a reason that I did not like but was refusing at the time to acknowledge. This was our fantasy, not something sick and twisted of his own.

I flatly refused the idea of searching such places. The people who would get involved in the "lifestyle" and who would place or respond to those ads were not our kind of people. Those were the sickos. The over the top crazies, not like us at all. No, we were just a couple looking to add just a little fun and excitement to our marriage. Just trying to bring back that spark. It was not our life. I was delusional about it all.

I decreed that it must be something that would happen naturally. Naturally? I cannot believe that I ever expressed such an idea. The entire concept was unnatural. How then could it possibly ever occur naturally?

I held to my belief that it could happen that way and that one day, if it did, then we would act upon it.

And then, one day came.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

follow the rules silly

I sit here with my eyes feeling the sting of being overly tired. A nap would be wonderful right now, but is not an option. Tot is wide awake and thankfully extremely involved in some horrible preschooler show involving all too realistic looking animal characters in super hero capes, working together to save various baby animals that are in peril due to the fact that their parents have seemingly abandoned them. Amazingly those same animal parental units always magically appear within seconds of their babies being rescued by the creepy animal heroes. This show creeps me out. Tot is thoroughly addicted to it. It gives me an hour or so of peace in which to get things done, so I overlook the creep factor.

My overtired eyes have been staring at the computer screen for around three hours now. I have begun week nine of my first two college courses. It is the final week of class and I will be taking finals on Friday. Today, I sit here in this overtired state of existence studying and reviewing nine weeks of information. Surprisingly, I am not overwhelmed. Perhaps I am in denial. Ha! What a familiar concept that is. Denial or just confidence in my ability to do well, I will take this feeling of calm. Or perhaps it is just that I am too tired to worry and stress. Tomorrow may be different and certainly by Friday I will feel the effects. For now though, peace.


I should have gotten more sleep last night. Instead I opted to stay up late visiting with an old friend. I have so few friends in this world. I view each of them as a real gift. A true friend is a little bit of a miracle I think. I wish I had someone that I was really close with, but sadly none of my friends fit that category. Last night I visited with the friend I am closest too, and even with them there is a distance. We see each other so seldom. It was not always that way, but there are unwritten rules of society that always seem to get in the way. This friend is a man. While we have known each other for nearly twenty years, and have remained simply good friends through all those years, the unwritten rules still get in the way. Hub has no objections to our friendship. Really, he has no right to have a say. Not in my mind. Not anymore. But even when he did, there was no objection. His faith and trust in my has always been solid. I have given no reason for it to be otherwise. There was a time though, when I was married to the evil ex that there was objection. He was extremely jealous and did not like that I had male friends. He pushed and fought and made an ass of himself. He isolated all the friends I had at that point in my life, even the females. They all chose to avoid me in order to be able to avoid him. Only this one friend remained after that eight years in hell. A true friend. He has proudly been in both of my weddings. He has witnessed my joy, heard my sorrows, and held me up in rough times.


Now the tables have turned and it is he who is in a relationship with someone who is jealous and demands total attention. A woman who can not tolerate his friendship with me. So, it is rare occasions that we see each other. A quick afternoon coffee in January, a late night movie in March, and a short visit in my home last night. We sit and talk and catch up on what has happened in the months that have slipped by. We talk and laugh as though it has been only days since we last saw each other. Two friends who are forced to sneak around like lovers having an illicit affair. Such a shame. I have seen him walk away from an eight year relationship after being confronted with an ultimatum, find his dream job, survive a heart attack, and lose his mother. He has seen me party on my 21st birthday, have children, fight my way out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and struggle with Hub's addictions.

Should we not have earned the right to declare "we are friends. I will visit my friend if I choose" and to do exactly that? But, oh those strange unwritten rules of society that declare otherwise. Men and women cannot be friends, it says. My friend and I say otherwise.

Still, the sneaking around and hiding. I hate feeling like I am doing something wrong when I am not. I am not the other woman. We are not doing anything more than talking, laughing, sharing events of our lives. Such a shame that we must behave as though we are.

killing butterflies

I guess Jenny Matlock decided writing a story in 100 words or less wasn't hard enough. This week she left us with the challange of using only 50. Really?!? Come on, Jenny!!! Ok, ok... I gave it my best shot.
Actually I had fun with this one. 50 was easier than I thought it would be, and I think it turned out kinda cool. Let me know what you think. Be honest though!!! If you think it is awful, feel free to say so. I am trying to improve my writing skills so constructive criticism is welcome. If you tell me it was great even if it wasn't, then I am never going to know what to work on to improve. Of course, if you do actually love it, then you can tell me that too.

Here is my effort for the week, the prompt is in color:

I have some random thoughts when stressed.

Pavement is way better than dirt roads.

Is the butterfly effect a real thing?

What the heck is the difference between affect and effect anyway?

This play is awful!

Ready, set, go!

Taking a bullet hurts!

Abraham Lincoln was a lot shorter than I thought he would be...

Time travel isn’t so great after all.

happy halloween

It has been a looooooooooong, hectic, crazy week around here and I am SO glad it is over!!! Let's hope Halloween marks the end of the insanity of the week and that next week will be better.

Happy Halloween from Rock Bottom!!!

The Miracle of Mercy Land by River Jordan

There is magic in a good book. It is a powerful something that pulls you in and captures a part of you. It may be your heart, your sense of adventure, or perhaps your imagination, but whatever part of you it is, it is fully enraptured by the magical power of the book. Even time becomes nothing as we sit and read for hours, taking no notice of the ticking of the clock. Not caring if it is time for a favorite show to be on television, or time to take the dog for a walk. Instead we are moved away from time and into another world. A world of new people whose lives we get to watch. For a few moments we feel as though our own lives have become intertwined with these people, our new friends. Friends in a book. Friends whose journeys we follow page by page. Each turn of the page brings us closer to the end. In a truly good book it is easy to both anticipate and dread that ending. Oh, the anticipation of discovering the conclusion of the journey, of knowing how it all turns out. And yet, there is the dread. Once we reach the end, that is it. There is no more. We've concluded our look through the lives of our new friends and oh how we wish there were maybe just a chapter or two more so that we could spend just a bit more time with them.


This is how I felt about The Miracle of Mercy Land. A book about a woman who gets the chance to glimpse into the lives of those around her through a book of magic and wonder.



about the book:
Mercy Land has made some unexpected choices for a young woman in the 1930s. The sheltered daughter of a traveling preacher, she chooses to leave her rural community to move to nearby Bay City on the warm, gulf-waters of southern Alabama. There she finds a job at the local paper and spends seven years making herself indispensible to old Doc Philips, the publisher and editor. Then she gets a frantic call at dawn—it’s the biggest news story of her life, and she can’t print a word of it.
Doc has come into possession of a curious book that maps the lives of everyone in Bay City—decisions they’ve made in the past, and how those choices affect the future. Mercy and Doc are consumed by the mystery locked between the pages—Doc because he hopes to right a very old wrong, and Mercy because she wants to fulfill the book’s strange purpose. But when a mysterious stranger shows up, Mercy begins to understand she may have to choose between love and loneliness . . . or good and evil . . . for the rest of her life.

I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

you either have to trust someone or not

I received a comment on yesterday's post from Vicki. She said, "I think you either have to trust someone or not." I am not about to belittle your comment Vicki, not at all. I am thanking you for it because it made me stop and really think about it. Is it that simple? Do you either have to trust or not trust? I used to think so. I hope for you, and for most women out there, that it is indeed that simple. It should be! I used to think it was.


Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.

At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sex chat with strange women.

Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.

The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?

Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?

Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?

I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?

My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.

There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.

There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.

I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.

I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.

Questions without answers

warning: this post is rated NC-17, or at least a strong R. If you don't want to read some of the details of Hub's sex addiction antics, stop reading now.

Hub is out of town for a few weeks for work. This is what led me to my worry about him "acting out". (i really need a better term than that one) There is just something about the combination of Hub and a hotel that I just don't like.

I should say that I have never had any sort of proof that his SA has gone beyond porn, internet chat rooms, private online chats, and phone calls. No proof, but serious reason to believe it has anyway. Whatever.... my point is that mostly I only have to worry about him doing stupid shit on the internet or the phone. When he is home, at least I know where he is even if I don't know exactly what he is doing. For the most part anyway.


When he is out of town for work, I have no way of knowing where he is or what he is doing. The worst of my concerns comes in the form of the hotel bar. You see, I do know from past experiences that Hubs greatest fantasies revolve around meeting strange women and having wild and rough sex with them. His phone calls and chats all involve different scenarios like that. His #1 place for these fantasies to take place is a hotel bar! He has even asked me to role-play those types of encounters with him before. Yes, I have done so. At first I thought it was fun and exciting, then I thought it was lame and stupid, and finally I thought it was sick and twisted, but most of all it just felt insulting. But, I am getting off the point again. so....
My concern is that Hub will be spending his nights in the hotel bar looking to play out those fantasies of his for real.

I haven't had to worry about this happening for a very long time. But, Hub is once again working in sports. While we needed the money, I am not happy about it at all. I hate when he is on the road. It is like poison for our marriage. And, quite frankly, the money isn't even that great because he is working in a very minor league. Nothing like what he earned before and certainly not enough to get us out of the hole we are in. So why? Why even put our marriage through this for so little? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it is a test for both of us. Can we handle it? Can he be put in the path of temptation and resist? Can I deal with not knowing and still find a way to trust?

I am all questions and no answers these days.

You're Stupid! no, not YOU... that other person

someone copied my answer in a group discussion for one of my online college courses. seriously! it was monday, there was only one question posted, i was the first to answer. later i checked back to see if there were any other responses that i could comment on to get my participation credit. there was only one other response to the question. i thought i had accidentally clicked on my own response. then i thought that i had made a few untypical grammatical errors. (not that my grammar is perfect, but i have a basic grasp of the english language) i then realized that someone had copied and pasted my answer and then changed just a couple of words in each sentence to try and give the appearance it was their own work. bad grammar aside, it was my answer exactly.

people are stupid!


there was only ONE question posted. there was only ONE answer posted. and they thought they could copy that one answer and nobody would notice?!? sort of gives a whole new definition to the word stupid.

it is not even like it was a question that had a specific answer. it was more of an opinion based question. it was asking for a personal choice between five options and explanation on why you chose those particular options. i may not have the most original mind, but i doubt this other person had the exact same thoughts i did.


i know you probably don't care about this but it just really pissed me off and i had to rant a bit about it.
i do actually have real issues going on in life that i should be sorting through. i am really concerned about Hub acting out soon. by the way... i totally hate the phrase "acting out"! it doesn't even begin to cover the severity of the offense. children act out when they pitch temper tantrums. lying, cheating, douchebag husbands commit sinful acts of adultery, and horrible betrayal of trusts. see? doesn't that seem way more fitting than "acting out"?
ah well, that is a post for later

Nope! What?

Here is a bit of the randomness in my life right now...

We were given a dog a few weeks ago. I didn't want a dog. I don't want the responsibility of training, feeding, bathing, cleaning up after, and the keeping alive of a small furry creature. I took her in anyway. The poor thing was being abused by some heartless bastard and I couldn't very well look at her pitiful face and say "get that thing out of here" now could I? Nope! So we have a dog now. She is really sweet actually and spends most of her time laying at my side or at my heels. I din't want a dog, but I love the wretched beast and am glad to have her.

Dog is killing me right now! I know, really random since I just said I'm glad to have her. We've given her plenty of toys to play with and she keeps sneaking them all outside and then sits inside looking pitiful because she has nothing to play with. We have a doggy door and she is making good use of it as a portal for toys (both hers and Tots) to the land of the lost. Ok, she isn't really killing me with this, but she is annoying the crap out of me.

Anyone else hate the new BK breakfast commercials? The flute guy creeps me out. Seriously! He is frightening, take him away!!!

Tot has taken up singing the BK breakfast song. It leaves me confused when he does it. You see, the line that he sings is "I'm hungry, I'm hungry". He will sometimes add the "I'm going to burger king" at the end, but mostly it is just the part about being hungry. So naturally, when he sings it I think he is hungry and asking for food. I ask him what he wants to eat and he tells me he isn't hungry. What? A few days of that and him actually adding the end of the song and I finally figured it out. All is well, or at least it was. Now he has decided to sing it when he is hungry but of course I think he is just singing the song. Then he gets ticked off because I am not getting him food. I just never know. Thanks BK! You've given a 5yo with a serious speech delay accompanied by a very limited vocabulary a new way to baffle and annoy his mother!

Speaking of Tot's limited vocabulary, I have added a few negative words to the small list. I am not proud of myself. I have road rage. Like the... if it wouldn't get me into legal trouble and damage my own car, i would totally rear-end someone who pissed me off in traffic... kinda road-rage. Since I can't do that, I cuss at people. A lot! Tot, who really only started to speak around the age of 4 and was close to 5 by the time he could form a full sentence, can now correctly use the word "bastard" and the phrase "damn it" in a sentence. Yes, he totally uses them in the correct context. I know, I know... I said I was not proud of myself! Right now I am just trying to be grateful that he isn't repeating the really bad words. Oh! and I am also trying not to cuss but that is a tough one when I am road-raging.

week 7

I am now into week seven of my first two college courses. That is seven out of a total of nine. It is a little bit exciting and a lotta bit (lotta bit is a very Tot thing to say) frightening to be approaching the end. Exciting because I will be able to say that I have actually say I have completed a college course, well two actually. However, it is also frightening because I have to worry about the final exams coming up. I did great on the midterms but now I am adding another five weeks of information on top of those first four weeks information and have to actually remember it all. Yikes! I am not concerned with passing so much as I am with getting the high grades I expect of myself. As of now I have a 95% in one class and a 99% in the other. Finishing above a 90% and hopefully above a 95% in both classes is what I really want and expect from myself. So.... that makes me nervous about the finals.

My other big concern right now is that I have become SO bored with both classes. Well, SO bored with one of them, and a little bored with the other. I am glad I will be done with them in just a few weeks. Then again I am a bit nervous about facing new courses and new instructors and not knowing what to expect. The class I am most bored with is some lame course on university studies that amounts to nothing but is required of all new students. It is basically to teach you study habits and how to deal with stress. The class just keeps focusing on the same things over and over and over again. Even the discussion questions seem to be the same questions slightly rephrased. How many different ways can I answer what my motivators are and which study methods I find most helpful?!? B O R I N G ! The other class is a health class that is at least somewhat interesting but the past couple weeks have been on sexual health. Not a favorite subject for the wife of a sex addict! Although if they actually covered sex addiction at least it might make it more interesting for me and I probably wouldn't even need to read the textbook to answer the questions!

Right now I should be reading and answering discussion questions for both classes but I just can't focus on it all right now. I've been at it for about two hours and my mind keeps screaming at me to stop. I haven't had much focus on those two hours and haven't gotten much actually accomplished. I really just can't take it anymore. So here I am taking a much needed, but not very wise break from it all. I really need the time Tot is at preschool to do the work but I just cannot focus anymore. It will be a late night studying instead I guess.

I have so very many things on my mind that I need to sort through and get it all out. Maybe I will keep avoiding the coursework and get some things written and set to post this week. Sounds better than reading about contraception or study habits, that is for sure!