I am struggling right now. It's been a really rough day and it isn't getting any better. Tot is having a seriously messed up behavior day. Most days I live with the autism spectrum crap and barely notice it anymore. Other days it just eats at me until I want to scream. Oh, who am I kidding? Until I do scream.
I scream and scream and scream. Some of it is screaming at him to please, please, please stop doing whatever it is that I have asked him to stop doing fifty times already that day. Some of it is just a loud, primal scream toward the heavens. Some of it is me screaming to get his attention because he acts as if he is deaf and can't hear what I am saying to him. (his hearing is fine, it has been tested) I can say something ten times and he makes no indication that he hears me, so I scream the words. Then he tells me not to yell at him.
I am about to go beyond my breaking point. I truly am. I'm not sure how much more I can take today. Hub is out of town on business again. Dot and Sonny are at their father's house for a couple of days. So it is just me and Tot. I am alone with the little "demon" that my normally sweet son can sometimes become. I considered putting him to bed at 6pm but I knew he would be awake at 2am driving me insane all over again.
He has been in trouble most of the day. I try to do something with him to distract him from bad behavior but lasts only a few minutes before he manages to turn what should be something fun into a freaking nightmare. It's a bad day all around. He acts up, I yell. He gets upset and I feel like a shitty mother.
It's worrying me because I get mad at him for doing something stupid and he throws out this sweet, little "I love you Mommy." It worries me because I know he is saying it because he knows he is in trouble and he thinks those words will get him out of it. I hate hearing those words as some sort of bargaining tool. It reminds me to much of his father and all the times he would start telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me whenever he would get caught in some sort of sexual deviance.
I have a five year old who is already learning the same type of manipulation strategies his father uses. What does this say for his future?
I need a break! I need a drink! I need a night out, away from all this!
It's not coming anytime soon. Hell, it is probably not coming ever again.
2 comments:
Sorry you are having a bad day. Hopefully, Tot's in bed by now and you are able to have a break. Just hang on. You can do it.
ah, children.
are you a part of any parent support groups? I ask, I'm not (my son has low vision), but I was on cafemom (still am, only answer the occasional questions) because they had a few low vision/blind groups and joining that helped me to meet a couple close friends and talk about things that they could actually understand. I know they have autism groups, and they are really informal and easy to join. you could probably just go read about other parents having the same issues and it might bring you some sense of sanity, knowing that it isn't just you going through this and all that razz-a-ma-tazz that they tend to tell parents like us that are feeling so isolated and nuts.
<3
They are kids, they manipulate naturally. We just have to ensure that we respond appropriately.
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