What I am

I am a petty, jealous and bitter person. Just thought I should get that out there.

When other people get to do fun things that I can't afford to do...
it pisses me off!

When my ex buys something for the kids that I wanted to get them but couldn't...
it pisses me off!

When someone goes on a fantastic vacation I am not at all happy for them because I am too pissed off that I didn't get to go.

When my kids are all excited because their father and step mother took them to do something fun and cool, I am bitter because I wasn't the one that got to take them.

I hate that I am this way. I really do. That doesn't change things though.
Knowing that I am wrong to be so petty, jealous and bitter does nothing to keep me from actually being that way.
And that pisses me off too.

Random thoughts from a tired mind

• I really need to lose about 20 30 pounds. While I had a great plan in mind to lose the weight, I just can't keep my fat ass from eating crap I shouldn't. Like right now... I was craving french toast so I made myself some. The big stuff, made with texas toast, and then smeared it with strawberry jam and sprinkled it with powdered sugar. Because that will help me lose the weight! Uck!!! I feel like total crap now. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't even hungry for craps sake!
• I'll probably go throw it all up in a few minutes. Ya, I know! I shouldn't. But I probably will. No, it isn't something I do all the time, but I do it occasionally. Whenever I really binge and eat a lot of something I shouldn't when I'm not even hungry I tend to purge. Happens maybe once every couple of weeks. I know it's not healthy. Lecturing me won't help and it won't stop me from doing it. Hell, there are times I wish I'd just go full on bulimic and purge every freaking day. That is the place I am in mentally these days. I actually wish I were bulimic. I'd prefer it to being fat. The fact that I know it will screw up my health is a big part of why I don't. Another big reason is that I can't purge quietly, so I only do it when no one else is around. I know I am on a slippery slope where I could lose control (if i even have it) and can no longer stop myself. I don't even care. I've never been fat before and I hate it. Hate it!!! And I hate myself for letting my body get this way.
• The day actually started off pretty good. I got a lot done around the house and was feeling really great about myself. (that was pre-french toast) The backyard is basically a field of dirt that becomes a massive mud pit whenever it rains. Lately it has rained enough to make Noah start gathering the animals. It's been our plan for months to seed the backyard with grass. Every time I mentioned doing it, Hubs would tell me not to because he would get to it the next day. Three months after buying the big ass bag of seed, he still hadn't done it. So, today I seeded. I didn't get the whole yard done because it is a freaking huge yard. I got a good chunk of it done though, so I hope it will start to grow fairly quickly. I also weeded my veggie garden while I was out there. When I came in, I cleaned off all the mud and then gave the bathroom a really deep cleaning. Like I said, I got a lot done and felt great about it.
• I decided that I planted my garden in a really bad spot. The back two rows are ruined. They started off really good. I could see the lettuce and carrots coming up nicely. Then the rains moved into town. Those two back rows get flooded when it rains. The water just pools up there and drowned those poor veggies. The lettuce is totally done for and I can see just one little carrot green sticking up. Most of the other stuff I planted is still doing good so far. Every now and then I lose one to some sort of animal that is nibbling them, so I hope I don't lose them all to whatever it is. I haven't seen any rabbits, so I don't think they are the problem. We have a ton of squirrels in the yard, but someone told me they don't bother veggie gardens, so I guess it's not them. I have no idea. There are a ton of birds in the yard too but I don't think birds bother veggies either. This is my first time ever planting a garden so I really have no clue what I'm doing. If anything actually ends up producing it will be a miracle.
• Ya, I totally ended up purging.
• Why can't anyone in my family learn that if you leave a metal can on the sink it is going to cause rust rings!?!? I just cleaned that room and I go in there and find a can of shaving cream and a can of deodorant sitting on the wet sink. Frustrating. Put the crap away when you're done with it and wipe off the sink while your at it!
• I had a birthday last month and for the first time in ten years Hub actually bought me a gift. He actually said, "it took ten years, but I did pretty good this year didn't I?" and was totally serious. I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes, but it was true... he really hadn't ever gotten me a birthday gift before. I guess in another ten years I might get another.
• I wanted to get him a really nice father's day gift. It's not happening now. No, not because of the birthday thing. It is because of his increasingly frustrating spending habits. He just can't keep from buying stupid crap he doesn't need, even when we can't afford it because bills are due. The other day we were at the store and he found some stupid game he wanted to buy, so I told him if he got it that he could consider that his father's day gift. He bought it. There ya go! Enjoy your crappy game when you could have had a new cell phone. Dumbass!
• Dot is starting to date and I find myself really trying to push her away from the kind of guys she shouldn't be with. How do I know she shouldn't be with them? Because they remind me of many of the guys I dated. Yikes! Don't want her going down that road. The problem with trying to tell your teenage daughter not to date a guy because he is a loser, is that teenage daughters think their mother is not only completely stupid, but also out to destroy their lives. In other words, they always want to do the opposite of what mom says. I have to find a more subtle (like subliminal) way of getting her to do what I want.
• I recently got a job. I'm less than thrilled. First of all, I don't want a job. I want to be home with Tot. He spends his days with Hub now instead of me, or me and Hub. It's better than a babysitter but still not my ideal. He lets him watch too much TV for one thing. I also like to do educational activities with Tot, and Hub doesn't do that. He thinks certain activities are too hard for Tot. That is because this child already knows how to play people and can act like he doesn't get something if he doesn't want to do it. I know better, but Hub falls for it every time. Another reason I am less than thrilled is that it is a moron job, or a monkey job. Which basically means that any moron or a trained (and not even a well trained) monkey could do it. It requires no brain power at all. It's dreadful! It is also at a place I never imagined myself working and I haven't even told most people I know that I have a job because I am embarrassed to tell them where it is.
• I actually hate working so much that there are days that I'm driving to work that I actually have the thought cross my mind that if my car crashed on the drive there that I wouldn't have to go. I would never intentionally crash my car! I want to be clear about that. But how scary is it that the thought actually enters my mind?!?
• Life really isn't all bad. I just have some really crappy thoughts in my head right now. I guess that is why I am here posting on the blog which I almost never do. I just need to get these things out of my head.