The Walls

I am building up walls around me. Every part of me. There are walls around my heart now. Walls I will not let my husband through. He's done too much damage to my heart, and I can't risk letting him through the walls. I don't think my heart could handle any more of his damaging behaviours.

At night in bed I build walls around my body. Real walls. I lay as close to the wall as possible, as far from my husband as I can get. Between us I place a body pillow and a blanket. My own wall of protection. My wall that lets him know not to touch me. The wall doesn't matter though. He wouldn't try to touch me anyway. It's just my way of saying "don't". He'd rather touch himself, touch his computer than touch me.

So, the walls go up. Up around me and around my heart. The walls are getting bigger. Soon, I don't think anything will get through. Not even civil conversation.

How I wish there were no need for the walls.

Avoidance

I've been neglecting this blog. Except it's not really neglect. It's avoidance. I've been avoiding this blog because as much as I want to face my demons... I don't want to face my demons.

I need to look back. To dissect all that went wrong. To learn from it. To move on from. And to never make those mistakes again.

I need it. And I want it. and still....

I'd rather keep my head buried in the sand. Never looking back.

I'd rather struggle blindly forward and hope it will all turn out well. But I know the folly in that. I know there is no going forward, without first looking back.

If not now... then when? I must stop the avoidance.