I am building up walls around me. Every part of me. There are walls around my heart now. Walls I will not let my husband through. He's done too much damage to my heart, and I can't risk letting him through the walls. I don't think my heart could handle any more of his damaging behaviours.
At night in bed I build walls around my body. Real walls. I lay as close to the wall as possible, as far from my husband as I can get. Between us I place a body pillow and a blanket. My own wall of protection. My wall that lets him know not to touch me. The wall doesn't matter though. He wouldn't try to touch me anyway. It's just my way of saying "don't". He'd rather touch himself, touch his computer than touch me.
So, the walls go up. Up around me and around my heart. The walls are getting bigger. Soon, I don't think anything will get through. Not even civil conversation.
How I wish there were no need for the walls.
1 comment:
I had the same feelings. Sometimes the wall felt huge and solid; sometimes it was a piece of saran wrap. But there was always something between us, protecting me from being hurt again.
I felt lonely and deeply sad.
You are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
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