Years ago, during my first marriage, I suffered from depression. While my life has been full of plenty of stressors and depressing things, I have not actually slipped back into the hell of clinical depression again. Not until now. I see the signs and they are big, flashing neon monstrosities.
All I want to do is sleep or lie in bed. I absolutely hate getting out of bed. I wake up long enough to get the kids to school and then I come home and either crawl back in bed or curl up on the couch and go to sleep.
I have no desire to do my school work. I had a paper due yesterday that I should be writing this very minute so that I only lose 10% of my score. I do not want to write it. I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like writing here but I made myself, thinking that it would get my brain fired up and then maybe I could make myself write the paper for class. I am struggling with getting my school work done lately. I just don't want to do any of it. It would mean doing something and all I want to do is nothing. Nothing! I did manage to do one assignment today that was due on Saturday. Two days late for a 20% deduction. This will be my worst grade ever. I don't even care. I wouldn't care if I failed at this point (except i would lose my grant) because I feel as though this degree isn't going to get me anywhere anyway. It is the depression talking, I know it.
I am avoiding speaking to or seeing everyone I know. I try not to leave the house. I even hate having to go to the store to pick up milk. I decide I don't feel well enough to go to church and then I feel even worse because I didn't go. I am supposed to be helping plan a Christmas party for the kids in the homeless shelter and I have seriously slacked off on that. How terrible a person am I that I would put off doing that?!? I cannot make myself call the woman at the shelter to make the final arrangements. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to be contacting nursing homes about a group of women and kids from the church visiting and spending time with the folks living there as well as doing some caroling. Okay, I thought that sounded stupid from the beginning, but I let myself be put in charge of it and I haven't done it. No way is it going to actually end up happening now. I am a terrible person because I let myself get talked into volunteering for these things and then I am just not mentally fit to follow through. I suck!
That makes me even more depressed!
I dropped Tot off at Kindergarten at nine this morning, came home and slept on the couch until eleven. I have been awake for an hour and a half now and I want to go back to bed and stay there until three when it is time to get around to picking him up again.
The house is a mess. Laundry and dishes need done. The bathroom is gross! It really needs a good cleaning. Why can't I get up and do these things? Why do I just want to lie down and do nothing? I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I Knew THAT Already
One of the classes I am currently enrolled in is The Psychology of Human Sexuality. (ya, it is interesting given the history of being married to a sex addict)
As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:
"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."
oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!
As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:
"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."
oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!
Monday, November 21, 2011
A Prelude to The Event
In my former tales of the past there was a lot of confusion going on within me. There was also disgust with myself over it all. This tale, this event, is quite different.
For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.
The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.
The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......
Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)
As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....
For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.
The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.
The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......
Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)
As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Time To Revisit The Past - Again
It's funny....
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.
Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.
So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.
I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.
There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.
I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.
When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.
Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.
So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.
I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.
There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.
I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.
When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Do You Know What Those Lights are For???
The world is in far too big of a hurry. Nothing matters to anyone but themselves and their own agenda anymore.
I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.
As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.
Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.
I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.
Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.
I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.
As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.
Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.
I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.
Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the here and now
I am alive and mostly well.
Things haven't changed around here much.
I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.
I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.
More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.
Things haven't changed around here much.
I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.
I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.
More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.
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