tiny tim can go f....

"Are you ready for Christmas?" asked the perky wulmurt cashier.

"No, not really," I sighed.

"Why not?" she asked, seeming surprisingly concerned.

"I am just not in the Christmas spirit this year," I answered with a shrug of my shoulder.


An actual snarl took over her formerly perky face. "Ugh!" she snorted, "that's not right!"

Seriously? Seriously you overly chipper, snarky, little bitch?!? You're going to give me an attitude... no! not just an attitude but down-right contempt, because I am not in the holiday spirit?


Maybe you can be happy you blue-shirted, Santa loves me, upbeat, stupid-ass optimist, but not all of us can. Some of us have husbands who will be 100's of miles away on Christmas. Husbands who will probably be treating themeselves to a happy-ending massage while we're putting together some 100o piece toy that our kid just had to have but will only play with for a day, and we're slaving over a hot stove making a dinner nobody is going to freaking eat! Some of us are making do with aging potatoes, a can of corn, and that cheap ass ham you see me spending my last fifteen bucks on for Christmas dinner. Some of us are having to decide whether to actually pay the bills or to buy their kids presents for Christmas this year!!!


So excuse the f**k out of me if I'm not feeling the spirit this year. God bless us everyone my ass! Tiny Tim can go f**k himself too!!!


I am in a dark, bitter mood this holiday season. Get over it ya peppy bitch! Ugh.... I need a drink!

it really could happen

It was a Saturday Centus I could not resist!!! Sorry Jenny, but I simply could not pull this one off without a wee bit of non G-rated language, but it is really only PG so not too far off. ;)



An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes, and then I laughed. It was the longest, hardest, best laugh I had since being diagnosed. The months had been long and hard. That wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was always seeing my family upset. They would try to hide it, but the amount of effort it took them always showed. Today’s grim news had made it all worse until this very moment. One gift changed it all.

Now I held up those shoes and laughed. “I hate that God-Damned song son!”

“I know Mom, that’s why I had to do it.”


writer's note:
This week's effort is a tribute to my most hated Christmas song. I really do hate that G-D song!!! Whenever I hear it I always say, "who the f*** would want shoes when they are about to die?!?" to which my son always says, "i am totally buying you shoes when your old and about to die."


ok, since many people are saying they don't know what song i am talking about in their comments... here it is:

To Give the Boy a Gun

Several weeks ago Sonny told me that he wanted to learn to shoot a gun. When I asked him why he said, "just because I'd like to know how." I told him that was not a valid reason for learning to shoot a gun. He thought he was clever when he then said he wanted to learn to shoot a gun in case we are ever attacked by zombies.

I am honestly not sure if he was trying to be funny to distract me from the severity of the issue, or if he really believes we may one day be attacked by zombies. The kid tends to live in video game fantasy world a good portion of the time. The idea of actual zombies has crossed his mind a time or two.

I ended the conversation by telling him that if he really wants to learn to shoot a gun that he can join the military when he is eighteen. Then he would have a valid reason for learning to do so. Of course I then told him that if he joined the military instead of going to college that I would kick him in his brilliant little ass. The kid is smart. Spooky smart sometimes actually. I do not want him wasting way above average intelligence fighting in some war half way around the world.


flash forward to yesterday......

I received a text from The Idiot. The Idiot is less commonly known as my ex-husband. The text led to others. Here is the run-down of how it went:

Idiot: I want to get your opinion on how you would feel about Sonny learning to shoot a gun

Me: I would rather he not!!!

Idiot: Well, he asked me about learning to shoot a gun a few days ago.

Me: He asked me that too, I told him NO!


Idiot: I told him he would need to have hunter's safety first.


After that I just didn't respond to him. I made my opinion very clear to him. NO!!! It was ridiculous for him to continue on. I feel very strongly about this and there is nothing he could say that would change my mind.

Now, if The Idiot were a hunter and wanted Sonny to learn to shoot so that the two of them could go hunting together... then I could understand it. Then there would be a somewhat valid reason for the kid to learn to shoot a gun. (i don't like hunting, so it is not a totally valid reason to me. i don't get killing animals for fun and they sell food at the grocery store. i see no real need to hunt) Idiot is not a hunter. He has never been hunting in his forty years of existence. Is he planning to start just because his 14yo son wants to shoot a damn gun?!?

I mentioned just a few days ago that Sonny is a very introverted kinda kid. He has few friends. He is quiet and painfully shy. He isn't into sports, he is short and skinny, he gets straight A's without even trying, and he lacks confidence. He feels very picked on by many of the kids at school. He is prone to bouts of depression.



Does any of that seem like a good combination with a gun???? Hell no it doesn't!!!

To give the boy a gun would be stupid and irresponsible!



I have felt for awhile now that I should probably look into a therapist for him. Now I am certain that it is a good idea. I am looking into options now and plan to have him begin visiting one after the first of the new year.

Let the Sun Shine on Him

I do not often talk about my kids here. It often doesn't seem the place. Frankly, I spend more time complaining or feeling sorry for myself here than anything else. My kids are (mostly) a source of joy for me. It means they don't really fit the mood of this sad place. Today though, I really have Sonny on my mind.

I have always been a really shy person, in a nearly debilitating way. I feel incredibly awkward around people I do not know, or do not know well. I suffer from very terrible social anxiety disorder. What does this have to do with Sonny? He is the exact same way.

My poor son is painfully shy. There are times when the sadness and loneliness caused by this are so great that they just poor out of him. He will get into a mood so low that he will simply lay on the floor near tears with his lip trembling. He tries to hide his face so none of us notice, but I almost always do. It breaks my heart.

He is at an age now where his interest in girls is really peaking. He wants so much to ask a girl out on a date, but his shyness keeps him from doing so.

Today I saw something that lifted my spirits and made me smile with pure joy for my son. I was on Facebook, wasting away precious time when I noticed Sonny's status had been recently updated. He is at school, which meant that it had been updated from his cell phone. He is technically not supposed to be on his phone at school, unless it is lunchtime. It was not yet lunchtime. I looked at the status update to see what could be so important that he needed to post from school. That is when I realized that he was not the one to write the status. It said "Cute Girl was here!" Now, it didn't really say "cute girl" it said some cute little girl's name. Yes, I looked through his list of friends to see who "cute girl" was. She really is a very pretty young lady. Here she was, announcing to the world that she was on Sonny's Facebook. I have spent enough time around Dot to know that this is a very flirty thing to do. It is a way to let someone know that you "really like them".

Now maybe not all mom's would be thrilled about the idea of their child taking those first steps into the dating world. For me though, it is like a little ray of sun shining down on my son. It is a glimmer of hope that maybe some of that social awkwardness may just be slipping away. And yes, I am indeed thrilled about that!

The Past wrap up: The Aftermath

While there is more to tell from the past, this particular tale has come to its conclusion. There were a few last details that I feel I should share. The aftermath, I guess you would call it. I am breaking away from the story-like way I have been telling this tale for this part and just providing the details.

Our night with Jesse was pretty much the end of our hanging out at Flyers. It wasn't what had happened with him that stopped us from going, it was just the timing of when it happened. Training camp had started a couple of weeks before that night. There was just one last week before the season officially began. With the start of the season Flyers would once again become a post-game hangout for the players and the fans as well. That meant it was becoming a place we would once again be avoiding, whether the encounter with Jesse had happened or not.

Hub did call Jesse a couple of days after our night together. He offered him those game tickets he had asked about, but Jesse had decided to turn them down.

A couple of weeks later Jesse called me on my cell. He was making a short flight in a private plane. It would take a couple of hours to get there, he would then have about four hours of down time before flying back. He called to ask if I wanted to join him on the flight. Some of those feelings of attraction for him sparked to life and I had considered saying yes. The idea of flying in a private plane, sitting next to the pilot, had an exciting appeal to it.

I knew that the only reason he was inviting me was to help him occupy those four hours of down time. I still had a sense of loyalty to Hub that I couldn't betray. There was also the fact that I was now very aware of the fact that he had a wife. Having an affair with a married man was not a path I wanted to go down. The real truth of why I ultimately told him no was not either of those reasons though. It was remembering how used I had felt once he had gotten what he wanted and the fake romance had vanished. I didn't need more of that in my life. I already had one man in my life that made me feel like shit, I didn't need a second.

That was the last I had ever heard from Jesse. After the season was over, Hub and I didn't hang out at Flyers very often like we had the year before. I would occasionally hear it mentioned that Jesse had been there the week before, but he was never there when we were.

Someone had asked in the post comments where my kids were during all these events. I responded to that in comments, but thought I would address it here too. All of this took place before Tot was a part of our family. Dot and Sonny are my children from a previous marriage. Any nights that Hub and I were out, the kids were with their father for the weekend. I know that I may have written "the next Saturday" or "the next week" in the re-telling of the past, but the fact is that it was actually every other week that we would go out. So anytime I said "next Saturday" it was simply the next Saturday that we went out, which would actually be two weeks later. The telling of the tale is just easier to tell without having to try and include a precise timeline.

I think the fact that we went out every other week may actually have some relevance in the aftermath. I believe that Jesse would only go to Flyers on weekends he knew we would not be there because we were home with the kids. It has now been years since we have been to Flyers and even longer since we have seen Jesse. I did hear once from Brent that Jesse's wife had found out that he had been having multiple affairs. She found photos of naked women on his phone. I felt really bad for her. Turns out they had a baby daughter as well.

I also feel like I should mention that during our night with Jesse that nothing took place between he and Hub. There was nothing "bi" about either of them. Maybe that is not important to mention, and yet I still feel the need to mention it. Perhaps that is the codie in me. Once again trying to protect by making sure no one thinks the wrong thing about either of the men who used me in this situation.

I am not claiming innocence in the situation. I played my part. Mostly though, I was a sad woman desperately trying to find a way to save my marriage.

So ends this tale of our first step into swinging. I wish I could say that this was the end of our attempts at swinging, but it was not. There were still those words that Hub had said when suggesting we take Jesse home with us. I hadn't noticed them at the time, but he was certainly not going to let them go. But that is another tale.