Upward

The depression is starting to lift. I am beginning to function more and more. I find myself sleeping less and doing more. Still not where I should be, and definitely not where I need to be, but it is coming.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas. I think that helps. The holidays can be depressing for some people, but I have a lot to be thankful for and so I enjoy them. We may not have a lot of money, but we have each other. Seems like a weird thing for me to say doesn't it? I am not really talking about Hub so much, although this time of year always makes him happy and more family oriented. He smiles and laughs and engages with us all. It is a tiny Christmas miracle. Mostly though, I am referring to my children. I actually like having them out of school for two weeks and home with me. (well, except the days I have to share Dot and Sonny with their father) Christmas seems to be the one time of year that even the teenagers don't mind being around family and have smiles on their faces most of the time. At six years old, Tot is just a joy to be around this time of year. The lights, the decorations, the music, the holiday treats, the anticipation of the big day... it is all reflected like magic in his big, brown eyes.

I managed to get my shit together and get the party for the homeless kids all organized and it went well. I was holding back tears when Santa came in and the kids were running to hug him with such excitement. One of the best parts of the party for the kids and their parents was getting a picture with Santa. I was amazed to see how excited they were as they crammed themselves around the printer waiting for their picture to be the one to come out. It was a very cherished treasure for them.

Perspective! When I feel like I have nothing I need only to see how much the little things really mean. I take picture of my kids all the time. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to not have a camera to capture their childhoods. No way to preserve the image a smile with missing teeth or look of shock over catching a fly ball for the first time.

So yes... my depression is lifting. I think a good part of it is Christmas. It is feeling the joy love of family. It is helping other families to find some of that joy and love as well. Sure there is plenty I could be depressed about, but there is also plenty in which I can rejoice.

Merry Christmas faithful reader(s)! I hope you experience a little joy and love as you too make the climb up from your own rocks.

Nothing

Years ago, during my first marriage, I suffered from depression. While my life has been full of plenty of stressors and depressing things, I have not actually slipped back into the hell of clinical depression again. Not until now. I see the signs and they are big, flashing neon monstrosities.

All I want to do is sleep or lie in bed. I absolutely hate getting out of bed. I wake up long enough to get the kids to school and then I come home and either crawl back in bed or curl up on the couch and go to sleep.

I have no desire to do my school work. I had a paper due yesterday that I should be writing this very minute so that I only lose 10% of my score. I do not want to write it. I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like writing here but I made myself, thinking that it would get my brain fired up and then maybe I could make myself write the paper for class. I am struggling with getting my school work done lately. I just don't want to do any of it. It would mean doing something and all I want to do is nothing. Nothing! I did manage to do one assignment today that was due on Saturday. Two days late for a 20% deduction. This will be my worst grade ever. I don't even care. I wouldn't care if I failed at this point (except i would lose my grant) because I feel as though this degree isn't going to get me anywhere anyway. It is the depression talking, I know it.

I am avoiding speaking to or seeing everyone I know. I try not to leave the house. I even hate having to go to the store to pick up milk. I decide I don't feel well enough to go to church and then I feel even worse because I didn't go. I am supposed to be helping plan a Christmas party for the kids in the homeless shelter and I have seriously slacked off on that. How terrible a person am I that I would put off doing that?!? I cannot make myself call the woman at the shelter to make the final arrangements. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to be contacting nursing homes about a group of women and kids from the church visiting and spending time with the folks living there as well as doing some caroling. Okay, I thought that sounded stupid from the beginning, but I let myself be put in charge of it and I haven't done it. No way is it going to actually end up happening now. I am a terrible person because I let myself get talked into volunteering for these things and then I am just not mentally fit to follow through. I suck!

That makes me even more depressed!

I dropped Tot off at Kindergarten at nine this morning, came home and slept on the couch until eleven. I have been awake for an hour and a half now and I want to go back to bed and stay there until three when it is time to get around to picking him up again.

The house is a mess. Laundry and dishes need done. The bathroom is gross! It really needs a good cleaning. Why can't I get up and do these things? Why do I just want to lie down and do nothing? I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.

I Knew THAT Already

One of the classes I am currently enrolled in is The Psychology of Human Sexuality. (ya, it is interesting given the history of being married to a sex addict)

As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:

"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."

oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!

A Prelude to The Event

In my former tales of the past there was a lot of confusion going on within me. There was also disgust with myself over it all. This tale, this event, is quite different.

For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.

The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.

The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......

Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)

As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....

Time To Revisit The Past - Again

It's funny....
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.

Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.

So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.

I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.

There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.

I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.

When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.

Do You Know What Those Lights are For???

The world is in far too big of a hurry. Nothing matters to anyone but themselves and their own agenda anymore.

I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.

As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.

Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.

I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.

Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.

the here and now

I am alive and mostly well.

Things haven't changed around here much.

I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.

I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.

More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.

The Book That Wanted to Stay Lost

About a year ago I borrowed some books from a woman I had met at church. She had discovered her husband had an addiction to internet porn about two years before that. They had gone through counceling and her husband was regularly involved with an addiction group. Their marriage had been saved and things were going well. She thought these books would be good for Hubs and I. One was for the wives of sex addicts, one was for men who struggled with sex addiction (in the internet form more than actual physical contact form), and the third was about learning to forgive and learning how to apologize with sincerity.

I borrowed the books and niether Hubs nor I ever actually read any of them. I held on to them thinking that maybe someday we would read them. Thinking that we probably should read them. After a year I decided we were not ever actually going to read the books. I told the woman who loaned them to me that I was sorry we had held on to them for so long and that I would get them back to her the next week at church. She said it was no big deal. Then she went on to say that she really didn't care if she got them back with exception of the one about apologies because they knew several people who could benefit from that one. So I went home and gathered up the books. The only problem was that I could only find two of them. The missing one? You guessed it; it was the only one she actually wanted back.

I spent a few days turning the house upside down looking for it. Then I remembered that Hubs had taken it (okay, i had put it in his suitcase hoping he would look at it) on a road trip. It was a rather long trip. One in which he probably would have actually unpacked the suitcase. At that point I was pretty sure the book had been left in a hotel room somewhere. I felt bad about losing the book so I ordered a used copy from A*azon. Even used it was not cheap. Today as I was getting ready for church I went to get the books so I could take them back to the woman who had loaned them to me. Funny how she didn't care if she got them back when I brought them up, but then just three days later she emailed me asking me to bring them all to church because there was a couple she felt needed them. (ya, she is one of THOSE women. the kind that feels the need to fix anyone and everyone) So I am gathering up the books and guess what.... I cannot find the stupid book again. I just got it in the mail a couple of days ago and now I cannot find it! How does that even happen?!?

I did not go to the early service of church because I did not want to go without the book. Now it is almost time to leave if I am going to make the second service. Still no book. Considering not going. All this because of a book that I didn't read that I am sure would not have magically solved all our problems anyway. I don't think I am going to borrow any more books from people. I don't need the added stress.

Just because I needed to hear it and maybe some of you do too

Is that? No, it can't be. Oh, yes it is. Crap!

Tot started Kindergarten this year. There are certainly some things that I was hoping he would get out of this new school experience. Socialization for sure is number one. Education falls second to socialization because he has already learned everything at home (and much more) than he will learn in Kindergarten. Socialization is also number one because, as anyone with a child who has a high functioning form of autism will tell you, social skills are a huge area of concern and one of the biggest struggles. So yes, I was definitely hoping that Tot would gain some progress in this area and maybe even make some good friends.

What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!

I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.

One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!

To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.

I'm OK With That

I've discovered something. Something important.

I do not want to read about sex addiction. I do not want to read about triggers. I do not want to read the sad tales of women dealing with all that comes along with loving a man who is a sex addict.

I may be selfish.

I may be avoiding.

I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is in the mood for all the drama.

I have cut a great deal of drama out of my life by just letting go of it all. I do not talk about it. I do not think about it. If there are signs I choose not to see them. If there is some sort of trigger I avoid it and find a distraction.

I don't want to feel the way I did those years after discovering Hub's big, ugly, horrible, life-altering secret. Those were horrible times and I don't want to feel horrible.

Am I happy? Not always.
Is my marriage good? Fuck no.
Am I fixing things? Nope!
Do I care? Sometimes, but not all that often.

I have sort of settled into this life. We live together. We raise kids together. We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other. Mostly though we just have boring moments of everyday life.

It may not be exciting, but it is a hell of a lot better than feeling horrible all the time. I would rather feel nothing than feel what I felt for those years of hell after finding out the truth. I will take numbness over agonizing pain any day!!!

Enjoy the Pie

It seems as though I only manage to get on this blog to bitch about little things that Hub does to piss me off lately. No deep thoughts or tales of misadventure. I think the reason for that is that the number of little annoyances Hub has been managing lately has really climbed. It seems to be a multiple times a day kind of thing.

His latest habit that bothers me to the point of screaming is leaving at inconvenient times. It seems that every time I sit down to do some class work he decides to go do something. The whole reason I choose to do my work at the times I do is because he is here to keep Tot occupied so I can actually get some work done. That isn't happening if Hub wanders off on some errand! Tonight he decided he was in the mood for pie. Actually he had been talking about pie for a couple of hours but didn't decide to actually go get some until I said that I needed to get some work done and grabbed my laptop.

He is doing this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to do my class work now. Is there some reason behind this? Is he trying to annoy me? Does it bother him that I am working toward a degree? Is he just clueless about how inconsiderate he is or is he doing it intentionally? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I am not getting any work done tonight until he gets back with his fucking pie!

it's bad

I feel so bad right now. Not bad as in sick or hurt or even hurt feelings. Just bad.

I have no energy and no desire to do a damn thing. It is not depression, even though those are signs of it. Depression would be something and this is just... nothing.

I feel nothing but bad. Just bad. And lazy... I guess I feel that too.

I don't want to do a damn thing. I don't even want to sleep, which is typically what I do when I want to do nothing. And cry, I guess. I feel like I could cry, and cry, and cry. I could cry for days and still not be done.

I just don't feel like existing right now. In a sense I already feel like I don't exist. I am here but..... am I really here?

I am nothing... and that is bad.

Blah

My family keeps talking about Hub's and my 10th anniversary that is coming up. They keep referring to it as a celebration. "oh, you'll be celebrating your 10th anniversary this year." Uh, no... no celebrating here.

Ten years. Big fricking deal.

The first five years were good (cause i was clueless). The next three were total hell. The last two have just been.... what is a good word for the past two years???? How about.... blah. Ya, they have just been blah. A whole lot of nothing going on. No love, no romance, no sex, no anything. Blah!

Celebration? Nope!

Why???

Why is it that everyone in the house will be in another room and doing something quietly on their own until I sit down to do some school work? As soon as I get ready to get something done... here comes every-freaking-one of them into the room and they all want to talk or just plain be noisy. Why????

Should have stayed in bed!!!

Today is one of those days in which I probably just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Actually, not getting out of bed when I was supposed to is what started it all.

Last night I went to bed early with a bad headache. Yesterday was a weird but good day that had taken a couple of unexpected twists but managed to turn out for the better. By the end of the day though it all sort of swelled up in my brain and left it pounding. I planned to just lay down for an hour or two and then get up and finish an assignment for school that was due last night. That didn't happen, so today I will be finishing the assignment and turning it in late for a reduced score. This is becoming a bit of a trend with me this term, but that is a story for another day.

I slept through the night and on into the morning. I recall Hub getting dressed to leave the house (training for a new job started today. YES, he ACTUALLY got a new job. I am shocked!) and I asked him what time it was. It was only 6:30 so I had another half hour to sleep before I needed to get up and get ready myself. I went back to sleep and when I woke up it was eleven. I was supposed to work at eight. I searched for my cell and finally found it wadded up in the blankets. Apparently I had gone to sleep with it still on me. I thought it odd that there were no missed calls. I thought surely work would have called me at least once wondering why I wasn't there. I called to tell them I had overslept (a lot) and still had a bit of a headache and wouldn't be making it in. The had no fucking clue I wasn't there!!! That, or they had no clue I was even supposed to be there. Something like that anyway. The point is, nobody gave a shit that I wasn't at work. I am so completely invisible there that nobody even notices if I don't show up!!!

Pushing aside the feelings of worthlessness at work, I decided to start working on my assignment for school. Of course my laptop battery was almost totally drained. It has become a habit for everyone around here to grab my laptop and use it without asking, drain the f'ing battery, and then not plug the damn thing in. The other day I couldn't even find the fucking thing!!! When I asked where it was, I was told it was on the table. No, it was on a chair at the table. And get this.... the cord is RIGHT THERE but the damn thing was not plugged in and the battery, of course, was almost totally drained. This shit is really starting to piss me off. Part of it (i know) is a ploy to get me to agree to buy a new computer for the house. Hub tried to buy on the other day without even consulting me, but when I found out I got him to call and cancel his order of the damn thing. Don't bitch that we don't have enough money to pay the bills we have and then try to add another unnecessary bill to the list. Moron! Anyway... I brought the laptop into the kitchen to charge it so I could do my assignment. Once I was in the kitchen and saw what a total mess it is I couldn't work on my school shit because the the mess was staring right at me and so I decided to clean.

The kitchen is looking much better. Still not done, but MUCH better. However, as I was spraying down the counters and stove top with bleach water and wiping them down I leaned against the counter. Now I have a HUGE bleached spot on one of my favorite shirts. Not planning to clean, I wasn't wearing one of the crappy tshirts I usually wear while cleaning since I have a tendency to make a mess of myself in the cleaning process. It is not as if this is a really nice shirt or anything, but it is one of favorites. It is cute and comfy and the damn thing fits without showing bulges or being so loose it looks like a maternity top. It was a feel-good shirt and now it is ruined. Shit!

The day has to get better from here doesn't it?????

Little Pieces

I am clinging tight to little pieces of happiness right now. When you don't have much of something (money, food, love, happiness) I figure you can handle it in one of two ways. You can dwell on it all and grow bitter and angry, or you can enjoy those little bits that you do have and see the beauty and joy in them. I have always been the first type of person. I am working on changing that though. I want to be the second type. Tonight I found myself easily, and effortlessly being just that way.

It was nothing major. An evening at home, just me and the boys. Dot is working now and Hub works mostly nights. So a night with just Sonny, Tot, and I is not uncommon. Usually we just sit, eat some take-out garbage, watch TV and complain how bored we are. Tonight I didn't want that to happen again. I pulled out some science experiment book I picked up at a garage sale that is supposed to have cool stuff for kids to do.
I found something fairly simple involving cornstarch and water. Here is a link to something like it. I know it sounds kind of silly and maybe even a little dumb, but the boys and I actually enjoyed whipping this stuff up and they played with it while I actually made dinner. Ya, I cooked! Ok, so you don't know me enough to realize just how shocking that is.... trust me, it is shocking. So after the food was ready and we cleaned up the gooey mess, we sat down at the table and ate our lovely home-cooked meal. Eating at the table is even more shocking than the fact that I cooked the food. It was a nice evening, with no fighting amongst the boys (the most shocking thing of all, trust me), the three of us actually talking and laughing with no TV involved at all.

Ya, it was just a few simple little things that won't add up to much in a few days or weeks or months or whatever.... but, for tonight it was a few moments of happiness and I am going to cling to that.

Random things that are pissing me off

Is anyone else having Blogger issues? I cannot comment on anyone's blogs. I hate that! I have been unable to find the time for blogs in so long and now I can't even say "hi, glad you are alive and somewhat well" or "sorry life is still shit" to those whose blogs I have ignored. Blogger also keeps signing me out. If I change pages or after publishing a post... poof! i am signed out. That is the problem with commenting too. I make a comment, hit the button to post it and poof!

Hub is job hunting. Hahahahahaha! Sorry, that idea is just comical to me. I know this probably shouldn't piss me off, but everytime he job hunts it just reminds me of how "unhirable" he actually is. Seriously, no discernible job skills, no ability to win people over with a charming personality, and questionable hygiene do not add up to a job.

Can ANYONE else in the house pick up a fucking dirty dish or a stinky sock or shoe? Come on people! That shit has not been magically swept away by the housecleaning fairy all these years. Clean up after yourselves. If you are over the age of 3, you can pick up your own smelly socks and put them in the bin, or carry a dirty cup to the sink. It is not as if I am asking you to actually wash the damn things. I am a bit unbalanced, but I am not crazy enough to expect that to happen.

Stray Dog, quit digging holes in the backyard! If I can't tunnel my way out of this hell, neither can you! And while your at it.... if you're going to kill birds and squirrels at least eat the damn things instead of leaving their carcasses around the backyard. Gross!

Work. Ya, I said the worst of all 4-letter words. I have a part-time job again. I hate it. Well, it is not really the job I hate, just some of the policies and procedures. They go against my greater moral and ethical beliefs. No, I am not kidding about that. I feel like people are getting taken advantage of and/or ripped off, and those are things I cannot stand to have happen. Oh, and of course there is one (there is ALWAYS one) major bitch there whom the world would be better off without. Just yesterday she kept getting phone calls. When the phone rang for the dozenth time she said, "if that call is for me i am going to shoot myself." I very quietly said, "Oh God, in that case please let the phone be for her!" Yes. Yes, I really did!

There is more, but right now I have a bossy little turd demanding a drink. He has taken Stray Dog hostage and if he doesn't get juice soon, the dog gets it! So, I am off to save the damn hole-digging, bird/squirrel-killing mutt.

Who Am I?

I am not the person I thought I would be. I am certainly not the person I wanted to be. Growing up we have so many thoughts and ideas and dreams about the person we will become. Reality can never live up to all that, can it? It most definitely has not for me.

My earliest dream was to be an actress. Nothing glamorous. I just wanted to be in commercials. It sounds silly I know. I was fascinated with commercials when I was little though. I would never watch the TV shows, but I would come running whenever the commercials were on. I loved them. From about age four to age seven, all I wanted was to be in commercials.

Around the age of seven I fell in love with Star Wars. It was at that point in life that I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I held that dream until about age eleven when I once again began to dream of acting. I knew that becoming an astronaut would not really mean cavorting with Wookies or hanging with little green shaman who talked like Grover from Sesame Street. Still, the idea of being amongst the stars seemed so amazing and perfect.

From age eleven until around age fifteen I thought I would be an actress. I really believed I would. I am not at all sure why I believed this since I had zero acting experience and even dropped drama class in high school after about two weeks. Around the age of fifteen I realized acting was not my future and traded that dream for the dream of working in advertising. Yep, the lure of the commercial had once again taken control of my plans for the future. I did take a commercial design class in high school that I loved and did very well in. However, like all the other dreams, it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was meant to be though. Maybe it really is what I was meant to do, but I just managed to screw it all up and throw myself off the path I truly belonged on. That seems about right. I have this bad habit of sabotaging my own life. Whenever things are going good, I make a stupid decision that throws it all off course and sends me spiralling back down to the depths. So, perhaps living the life of some hot shot advertising exec, staying single and living in a super cool bachelorette pad and having amazing parties with my small, but wonderful group of friends really is where I am supposed to be now. Maybe that dream was the reality I was supposed to live. Instead I threw it all away for some guy. Some guy whom I decided was more important that going away to art school. Some guy who after three years I threw away for some other guy.

Of course I threw that guy away for yet another guy. Then I threw that guy away for the guy I have now, and we all know where that choice has gotten me.

This is not the life I thought I would be living. I am not the person I thought I would be.


to be continued....

LaLaLaLaLa

ya, i know... i vanish for what seems like forever and then i pop back in right out of the blue with a Saturday Centus. Well, this one spoke to me. These words just had to be written.


as usual it works like this: 100 words in whatever genre you like (not including the eight words of the prompt).And the prompt this week is:

I'd like to teach the world to sing...
As long as they promise never to sing that Celine Dion song from Titanic, the hippopotamus Christmas song, Who Let The Dogs Out, It’s A Small World, My Humps, I Think We’re Alone Now, or anything by Justin Bieber. Oh! And of course as the mother of a young child I have to include anything by the Wiggles or Barney!
Sing on world! Sing on!

Fixing the fixer

Believe it or not I am actually alive and well. I thought I should probably check in and say hi. Hi!

When I signed up for an online college program I didn't realize how much of my time it would actually eat up. Crazy! I love it though. I am honestly not sure if this degree is going to take me anywhere in life but it is doing wonders for my mind and my self-esteem. I am smart! Who knew? Just kidding. I have actually always been fairly book smart. I just make stupid life choices. Anyway... it is great to be using my mind and stretching that big grey mass in my head.

Life still has its shitty points, but it is getting better. I attribute that to feeling better about myself. I worry less about everyone else's issues now and let them try to fix themselves instead of me trying to fix them. It creates a real peace even if it doesn't actually get anyone fixed. I shall fix myself and the rest can choose to make changes and come along or get left behind!

stupid AND insensitive

It's been a few weeks, but I am back at attempting a Saturday Centus this week. The prompt was perfect. I knew just what to write about as soon as I saw it. It took some restraint to stick to 100 words. That and some massive utilization of contractions. It was hard to make myself use them since it has been pounded into me through my college English Comp courses to NOT use contractions. They have saved me here on the word count though. I just ask that you pretend the words are not contracted and read them as though they are separate words because I really do think it sounds better that way. That may just be the brainwashing talking though. Ah well, on with the show as they say. Prompt is in color as always.

I give you, The Stupidity and Insensitivity of Hub:

It’d been over three months since I’d seen Hub. He was working out of state in an effort to dig us out of our financial hole. Jobs were scarce here, especially in the only industry he’s qualified to work. Despite the fact that our marriage is far from perfect, and on most days not even in the neighborhood of good, I found myself missing him. I was happy to finally get a chance to see him. He had never been accused of being intelligent, but when I realized he’d brought two of his buddies with him when picking me up, I realized what an idiot he really is.

Well Crap!

I am hating school right now. One of my courses is just ridiculous. It is a topic I have zero interest in for one thing. That makes it so hard to even want to do the work. The class discusssions are awful. Most of it is opinion based, and my opinion is dfferent from pretty much everyone else in the class. I am still in class with morons. One dumbass commented on my post saying how she agreed with me and then proceeded to give examples of why she agreed that actually all proved she competely disagreed with me. Not sure if she is just really stupid or if she just did not get what I was saying. I was pretty clear on my position though, so my money would be on stupid.

The worst thing about the discussions being opinion based though, is that we really do not have to read the material to answer the questions. It is easy to get by without having to do any actual work. Of course then when it comes time to do the big weekly assignments that comes back to bite me in the ass. Actually there are some weeks when I don't even have to read the material to do the assignments, but now that is really coming back to bite me in the ass since the final assignment that is due in two weeks is going to require me to pull information from all the reading material over the past nine weeks. I am so screwed!

I was actually feeling really good this morning; thinking that I was getting through all my work this week fairly easily and that I would actually get to just relax and have fun this weekend. It is not going to happen. I hadn't bothered to look at this week's assignment until today. Big mistake! It is a really big project and requires me to write on a major current event. I do not watch the news or pay attention to current events. Not at all! Now I have to figure out what the hell is going on in the world, catch up on all the details and right a giant ass paper on it, plus include a bunch of other compare-and-contrast bullshit. Yep, I am screwed all right!

Oh! and to top it all off.... Stray Dog ate one of my favorite boots this morning!

The trouble with romance

I have a serious problem. I am a romantic.

This is a problem because, as such, I am destined to never really be happy in life. You see, a true romantic is never happier than when they are falling in love. We are not particularly interested in being in love, and certainly not in staying in love. Oh sure, a romantic likes to think that those incredible feelings of closeness and desire will lead to a lifetime of happiness and that the feeling will last. It doesn't though, and then the romance is gone. No, it is not the relationship that a romantic needs. It is those intense feelings of attraction and the dreams and plans built around those. All the things that come with falling in love are like an addiction for the romantic. It is the fall that matters, not what follows.

There is nothing more romantic than those first exciting encounters with someone. I am not referring to the sexual encounters. I am talking about those first days or weeks that we spend with someone new. It is a time when all their jokes are funny, their stories are fascinating, and no one on earth could possibly be more interesting.

I have never been happy in relationship past the first year or two. I remember falling for Hub and thinking that it was the most exciting time in my life. It all seemed so romantic. I thought we would be together and happy forever. I did not really think about the forever though. If I had I would have realized things would never really work out. We were not really compatible. That did not matter then. It should have, but it didn't. I could not see past the fall. I just felt so much love and excitement and happiness that I assumed it would last. It is a romantic notion, but not a realistic one.

I can blame a great deal of our marital problems on Hub, and I would be right in doing so. But if I am being realistic, I know that even if he had not turned out to be a sex addict, things probably would not have worked out anyway. I would have gotten bored. His jokes are not funny anymore. He is no longer charming. His stories are not really that interesting at all. In fact I hate talking to him most of the time because I just do not give a shit about the things he is talking about. I have no interest in this relationship. It is boring.

I find myself fantasizing quite often about leaving Hub. It is not for the reasons it should be. It is not because I want to stand on my own and get away from the emotional torment he has put me through. I am numb to all that now. None of it really matters to me. I just do not care enough about him anymore to care what he does. I find myself fantasizing about leaving so that I can find someone new. Honestly, I fantasize more about finding someone new than I do about actually leaving. I want the thrill of a new relationship. I want the romance.

Lately I find myself watching romance movies. There is this longing in my when I watch them. I want that. I want that feeling. I want someone to be so enthralled with me that they would chase me to the ends of the earth. I want someone to love me so much that they would do anything, including laying down their life or spending a lifetime in prison (it was the theme of one of the movies i watched) in order to protect me. I want to fall in love.


I was thinking about this just the other night as I watched yet another Bollywood romance (these are my latest romance movie obsession as the stories are so much more involved and they have to fight so much harder to be together than people in our own society do). I was thinking about how desperately I want to fall in love like the people in the movie. Then I had this realization that I am getting too old for such things. Here are these young couples fighting against their parents and society in order to be together and it is so romantic and I would love to be in their place. I am not young though. People my age do not go into relationships looking for love and romance. They go into them looking for stability. I am at the age where it is more important to be sure you get a man who is going to treat you well and be able to help provide for the family than it is to have a big, romantic adventure.

I am too old for romance, and that depresses me. I have always been the girl that rebelled and went after the boy who was all wrong for me. I went after the excitement and the adventure. I went after the big, romantic adventure. Those days are behind me now. If I were to leave Hub I would need to be on my own for a while. It is the right thing to do for the sake of the kids. You cannot just run right into a relationship with someone else when you have kids. Well you can, but people think you belong on an afternoon sleazy talk show when you do that. (i know, i have been there. but that is a story for another time) Then when it was appropriate for me to move on to another relationship I would have to be practical. I would have to find a man who would treat me good, who would treat my kids well, who could provide for a family. I would have to be sensible. And really, if that is how you have to approach finding a relationship.... why even bother? What good is a relationship without romance? I have that now!

So I am feeling a bit old these days. Old, trapped, and alone. I still dream of romance, but I have come to the disheartening conclusion that it will forever be a just a dream.

Empty

I haven't felt much like posting lately. I have always enjoyed writing (even though I am not really that good at it) and this blog has been cathartic. It has been a good outlet for me to release the emotional garbage that I have had to deal with. I think that this is a big reason why I have not been able to write lately.

I have detached myself from it all. The anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, all the deep emotional crap... all of it, is just missing. I am not over things yet. I have not healed and moved on. I simply stopped caring. Without all those deep feelings and thoughts there is nothing for me to draw from in order to write. Any attempts to journal events becomes simply a list of details and events. The fire and passion with which I write best have fizzled out and dried up.

I feel like an empty husk.




What am I without passion and emotion?

I believe it is something less than human. That is what I am right now. Less than human. Humans are full of life and passion and emotions and so much more. Me? I am just empty!

I am less than what I once was. And I don't know if I will ever really get myself back.

Going Off On a Bit of a Rant

Why do people have an overwhelming desire to pick up small children and swing them in the air or flip them upside down? Nearly everyone does it. When it is your own child, it is really no big deal. But what about other people's children? Is it really ok to scoop up your friends child and swing them around? No, it is not. Let me tell you why.

Not all kids like it!

Some hate it.

Some are terrified by it.

Some have neurological disorders that make it both terrifying and painful.

That is why you should not go around scooping up kids and swinging them over your head or tipping them upside down.

This public service message is brought to you by the fact that Tot is one of those kids with the nuerological disorder. When he is not on solid ground, his brain does not know how to react. Think of it as his senses being strung too tight and are oversensitive as a result. Being off the ground causes real terror for him and makes him feel physically ill.

Well meaning people will attempt to "play" with him in ways he just cannot handle. This just happened a couple of days ago. My sister came up behind him (so he didn't even get a warning that it was about to happen which makes it even worse), scooped him way up in the air and then flipped him upside down. He screamed. SCREAMED!!! The poor kid was terrified. His body had no idea how to react and could not get itself regulated to this change in positioning. So Tot screamed and cried until he was put down and then he simply sat there, unmoving and cried some more.

My sister's reaction? "Oh! Does that still bother him?
WTF?!?!?!?!

Yes. The neurological disorder is still there. My son's brain has not magically cured itself.

Then, my brother-in-law pipes in with, "I thought he would have gotten over that by now. He's almost six."

No, he has not and will not "get over it". He is not a wimp. He is not a little chickenshit that needs to grow up and get over his "fears". He has a very real disorder that will affect him for life!

Physical and occupational therapy can help him to learn to cope with it, but that only goes so far. Of course insurance won't pay for PT or OT. Why? Because Sensory Processing Disorder is not an officially recognized disorder. It exists, but not officially. So what does that mean for my son?

It means don't pick him up, swing him over your head, or flip him upside down!!!!

Wait! Is That? No! It can't be! Can it? Oh for germs' sake... IT IS!!!

So there is this blog I like to read that is written by a real life acquaintance of mine. Part of it is her family life and part of it addresses the needs of orphans throughout the world. (she is in the process of adopting from somewhere in Africa. i am being intentionally vague on exactly where) I share her love and concern for orphans and I truly enjoy that portion of her blogging. The family stuff is cute, but I don't know her well enough to really care if her kids built a snowman or learned to use the potty.

Recently she changed her blog design. She decided to "personalize" it. In the header she has multiple photos of her kids doing "cute" and "silly" things. One of the photos is of her son holding up a booger on his finger and examining it with great interst. (barf! gag! ugh! retch! yak! vomit!) Excuse me, I got a little sick for a moment there. A booger? A booger! Seriously? Seriously! And this big, ol nasty globber is the focal point of the photo. And of all the photos in the "cute and silly" photo collage in the header... Mr. Booger Finger is the largest one. Why? Why the FUdidiliumpCKins would she do that???? Does she really, and I mean REALLY, think that people want to see that? She cannont honestly believe that we do!!! There is no freaking way in hell she really, truly, honestly believes that anyone but her would think that was cute!!!

Well, I officially have one less blog to read now! There is just no way I am going to go look at that f'ing nose goblin every freaking day!!!!

Note to self (and to others): The number one way to get people to stop reading your blog is to post a giant photo of a booger in the header!

insert HUGE SIGH here

I applied for a job that I really wanted and I know I would have been perfect for.
I felt really good about my chances.
I was seriously PERFECT for this job.
It was perfect for me.
The job is no longer listed and I never got a call.
(((SIGH)))

I had a lot of hope hanging on the idea that they were sure to call me.
I was sure this job was exactly what I needed to turn things around.
It was more than a financial need.
This would have provided me with something that I am missing deep down inside.
It could have restored my faith in myself and in my abilities.
(((SIGH)))

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!!

Have you ever tried to read instructions when there are two loud, rowdy people wrestling two feet behind you?

Have you ever tried to assemble your ideas into a cohesive thought and attempt to write them into an essay when someone is watching television at a volume of 55 just three yards to your left?

I tried. I was not successful.

Trying to complete college assignments while stuck in a hotel room with other people... just not possible!

I am ready to get back to the real world.

nobody cares what you want

I am living life in the Twilight Zone. I must be. Nothing could feel more alien or surreal than my surroundings at this time. Ok, maybe I've got sci-fi stuck in the brain after my little tale I wrote earlier and I'm pulling references to obscure old television shows due to that. But seriously... this is a strange world indeed.

I am on vacation. I know what you're thinking, "but Rocki you are dead broke and in a massive depression about the financial belly-buster you took over the holidays! how the hell are you paying for a vacation?" Well, you would be very wise to think that way, except I am not paying for this little trip. Nope! It's the parents. They had this bright idea that it would be fun to take me and Tot on a little family trip for some good ol family fun. Sounds great in theory. In reality... it is more of a nightmare.

The biggest problem with going on a trip that someone esle is paying for is that it leaves you with no control of the situation. You go where they want to go and do what they want to do. So the kid would love It's a Small World cause he's weird like that... well, that is just too bad cause grandma hates it. Nosir, not happening. So you hate meat and the kid won't eat it at all, well that is too bad cause grandpa wants to go to the prime rib buffet. Wake up when they want, leave when they want, see what they want, eat what they want, do what they want and grin and be thankful through it all.

Is vacation over yet?!?!?

oh no you dih-unt

I like Sci-Fi, but I have never actually written any. Well, I did back when I was ten but that really doesn't count. That was a phase in my life where I was convinced I was a character out of Star Wars, so we try to forget that year. Why do I bring up Sci-Fi? Because Jenny Matlock decided that it would be fun to not just give us a prompt this week, but to also determine which genre we must write it in. Ya, she chose Sci-Fi. Of course based on the fact that she mixed a line from Star Wars by mentioning a galaxy far, far away with a classic line from Star Trek, I am guessing that Sci-Fi is really not her thing. Oh well, on to my rather lame attempt at re-visiting the love of my childhood, Sci-Fi. Prompt, as usual, is in color.


“You did not just say that,” I yelled in utter disbelief. We were in the middle of the park surrounded by dozens of gruesome lizard-men. A woman went running by, screaming in terror just before being laser-blasted into oblivion. Every direction we turned there was mayhem and destruction. Bulging, red lizard eyes glowed in scaly, green faces. People were being evaporated, fried, and blasted to puddles of goo. The aliens had arrived unexpectedly and they had not come in peace. Standing next to me was my son, staring up at the spaceship overhead. And what did he have to say? “Beam me up Scottie!”

lost

So I decide to rejoin the ranks of Saturday Centus only to discover we've been limited to 25 words this week. Seriously Jenny?!? 25?!? Ok, whatever you say, I can do this.

prompt is in color:

The lottery ticket slipped from my fingers and fluttered along in topsy-turvy arcs down the street. I considered chasing it, but why… it’s just one more lost dream.

stray-dog pissed on my bed

See that title? That is a metaphor for my life. It is not just a metaphor though, it actually happened. Apparently it has happened more than once.

I lay down in bed last night feeling overly tired, and just plain worn down. I am soul weary right now. To cope with that I stay awake long hours and then crash into bed when I just cannot continue to function. I realize that is not the best coping strategy but it is better than laying in bed tossing and turning and thinking. Always thinking!

So last night I fell into bed completely exhausted. I snuggled my head down into my pillow and smelled a strange smell. It was not a pleasant one for sure. I took a deep breath trying to identify the smell and considered that it could be dog pee. Too tired to do much about it, I threw the pillow on the floor and grabbed another. Pillows are in no short supply on my bed. Love, tenderness, and passion... those are rare things in my bed, but pillows not so much. Anyway, I grabbed another pillow, gave it a test sniff and decided it was safe enough. It smelled like hair which means it probably needed a washing, but it was something I could live with.

**If you have been reading this blog for awhile, actually reading it, not just reading the "juicy" posts, then you will remember that a few months ago we got a dog. It was from an abused home and someone rescued it but couldn't actually take in, so asked me to and of course I could not turn the darn thing down. So there is not actually a stray dog in my house but I refer to her as stray-dog cause that's almost what she was. It is also what she will be if she keeps pissing on my bed!!! This dog has a bit of a nervous disorder. She pees a little when she is nervous, scared, upset, or excited. It is usually just a tiny trickle that escapes. I figured the dog probably had a nervous episode on my bed and had trickled on my pillow. **

I drifted off fell fast and hard into a deep sleep for an hour or so. That is when Tot wandered into my room, as he tends to do each and every night due to the fact that the child is incapable of sleeping through the night. I turned on a movie for him and got him settled into his little place on the floor near the foot of the bed (it is the compromise we have... he can't get his squirmy, kicking, punching, sleep-talking self into the bed with me but he can stay in the room) and went back to bed myself. That is when the odor assaulted me again.

I re-tested the pillow and it still smelled only of hair. I sniffed at the other pillows and all were fine. Well, they were all dog pee free anyway. I decided to give the comforter a sniff. Oh dear lord!!! That was it. The dog had pissed on the bed and had hit my pillow and my big, fluffy comforter. I threw it off and managed the rest of the night with some scraggly old blanket that I hide under the bed.

If I hadn't been in a state of near coma-like existence due to the intentional sleep deprivation method of putting myself into a deep sleep each night, then I probably would have checked the entire bed for dog pee. As it was, I figured I would just shower in the morning anyway and since nothing felt wet surely it was ok. It stood to reason that if stray-dog hit the comforter and the pillow that the rest of the bed had probably been shielded.

This morning after getting up, taking a power-shower, and getting Tot ready for school, I grabbed the comforter to throw in the wash. I went back into my room to finish getting myself ready for the day and stray-dog followed me in. She hopped up on the bed and sat down. I thought nothing of it. I fumbled around in my way too messy closet for a shirt and when I turned around there was stray-dog squatted down on my bed! I guess she had decided that since I had cleaned up her handy work that she needed to replace it. There she was pouring out gallons of piss, quite intentionally, all over my bed!!! This was no accidental nervous trickle.

I guess the dog has decided that my bed is her territory and she felt the need to mark it. Now I'm stuck with cleaning the whole damn mattress instead of just washing sheets, pillows, and blankets.

The life metaphor? Once again someone pisses all over me and I am left to clean up the mess!

down, down, down

I have once again let the pressure of giving at Christmas take me deeper into a financial hole. It makes me feel so good to give to people. Then I am left with this horrible feeling of failure for not being able to stay afloat afterwards.

I am seriously sinking here. I thought I had money coming from Hubs. He had told me he would put money in my bank account. Thinking that, I went ahead and withdrew $200 that wasn't in there to buy Christmas gifts. I ended up with a $35 overdraft charge and then because I didn't bring the account into the positive within a week I got another $35 charged for an EXTENDED overdraft fee! Now I am $270 in the hole with no way to bring the account back up unless we don't eat for a month.

I felt so good on Christmas morning watching my kids enjoy their gifts!

Now I feel like a total loser because I am feeding them peanut butter and jelly, and macNcheese every night.

Life sucks no matter what I do. I am falling into a really bad depression right now. REALLY REALLY bad!