Why???

Why is it that everyone in the house will be in another room and doing something quietly on their own until I sit down to do some school work? As soon as I get ready to get something done... here comes every-freaking-one of them into the room and they all want to talk or just plain be noisy. Why????

Should have stayed in bed!!!

Today is one of those days in which I probably just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Actually, not getting out of bed when I was supposed to is what started it all.

Last night I went to bed early with a bad headache. Yesterday was a weird but good day that had taken a couple of unexpected twists but managed to turn out for the better. By the end of the day though it all sort of swelled up in my brain and left it pounding. I planned to just lay down for an hour or two and then get up and finish an assignment for school that was due last night. That didn't happen, so today I will be finishing the assignment and turning it in late for a reduced score. This is becoming a bit of a trend with me this term, but that is a story for another day.

I slept through the night and on into the morning. I recall Hub getting dressed to leave the house (training for a new job started today. YES, he ACTUALLY got a new job. I am shocked!) and I asked him what time it was. It was only 6:30 so I had another half hour to sleep before I needed to get up and get ready myself. I went back to sleep and when I woke up it was eleven. I was supposed to work at eight. I searched for my cell and finally found it wadded up in the blankets. Apparently I had gone to sleep with it still on me. I thought it odd that there were no missed calls. I thought surely work would have called me at least once wondering why I wasn't there. I called to tell them I had overslept (a lot) and still had a bit of a headache and wouldn't be making it in. The had no fucking clue I wasn't there!!! That, or they had no clue I was even supposed to be there. Something like that anyway. The point is, nobody gave a shit that I wasn't at work. I am so completely invisible there that nobody even notices if I don't show up!!!

Pushing aside the feelings of worthlessness at work, I decided to start working on my assignment for school. Of course my laptop battery was almost totally drained. It has become a habit for everyone around here to grab my laptop and use it without asking, drain the f'ing battery, and then not plug the damn thing in. The other day I couldn't even find the fucking thing!!! When I asked where it was, I was told it was on the table. No, it was on a chair at the table. And get this.... the cord is RIGHT THERE but the damn thing was not plugged in and the battery, of course, was almost totally drained. This shit is really starting to piss me off. Part of it (i know) is a ploy to get me to agree to buy a new computer for the house. Hub tried to buy on the other day without even consulting me, but when I found out I got him to call and cancel his order of the damn thing. Don't bitch that we don't have enough money to pay the bills we have and then try to add another unnecessary bill to the list. Moron! Anyway... I brought the laptop into the kitchen to charge it so I could do my assignment. Once I was in the kitchen and saw what a total mess it is I couldn't work on my school shit because the the mess was staring right at me and so I decided to clean.

The kitchen is looking much better. Still not done, but MUCH better. However, as I was spraying down the counters and stove top with bleach water and wiping them down I leaned against the counter. Now I have a HUGE bleached spot on one of my favorite shirts. Not planning to clean, I wasn't wearing one of the crappy tshirts I usually wear while cleaning since I have a tendency to make a mess of myself in the cleaning process. It is not as if this is a really nice shirt or anything, but it is one of favorites. It is cute and comfy and the damn thing fits without showing bulges or being so loose it looks like a maternity top. It was a feel-good shirt and now it is ruined. Shit!

The day has to get better from here doesn't it?????

Little Pieces

I am clinging tight to little pieces of happiness right now. When you don't have much of something (money, food, love, happiness) I figure you can handle it in one of two ways. You can dwell on it all and grow bitter and angry, or you can enjoy those little bits that you do have and see the beauty and joy in them. I have always been the first type of person. I am working on changing that though. I want to be the second type. Tonight I found myself easily, and effortlessly being just that way.

It was nothing major. An evening at home, just me and the boys. Dot is working now and Hub works mostly nights. So a night with just Sonny, Tot, and I is not uncommon. Usually we just sit, eat some take-out garbage, watch TV and complain how bored we are. Tonight I didn't want that to happen again. I pulled out some science experiment book I picked up at a garage sale that is supposed to have cool stuff for kids to do.
I found something fairly simple involving cornstarch and water. Here is a link to something like it. I know it sounds kind of silly and maybe even a little dumb, but the boys and I actually enjoyed whipping this stuff up and they played with it while I actually made dinner. Ya, I cooked! Ok, so you don't know me enough to realize just how shocking that is.... trust me, it is shocking. So after the food was ready and we cleaned up the gooey mess, we sat down at the table and ate our lovely home-cooked meal. Eating at the table is even more shocking than the fact that I cooked the food. It was a nice evening, with no fighting amongst the boys (the most shocking thing of all, trust me), the three of us actually talking and laughing with no TV involved at all.

Ya, it was just a few simple little things that won't add up to much in a few days or weeks or months or whatever.... but, for tonight it was a few moments of happiness and I am going to cling to that.

Random things that are pissing me off

Is anyone else having Blogger issues? I cannot comment on anyone's blogs. I hate that! I have been unable to find the time for blogs in so long and now I can't even say "hi, glad you are alive and somewhat well" or "sorry life is still shit" to those whose blogs I have ignored. Blogger also keeps signing me out. If I change pages or after publishing a post... poof! i am signed out. That is the problem with commenting too. I make a comment, hit the button to post it and poof!

Hub is job hunting. Hahahahahaha! Sorry, that idea is just comical to me. I know this probably shouldn't piss me off, but everytime he job hunts it just reminds me of how "unhirable" he actually is. Seriously, no discernible job skills, no ability to win people over with a charming personality, and questionable hygiene do not add up to a job.

Can ANYONE else in the house pick up a fucking dirty dish or a stinky sock or shoe? Come on people! That shit has not been magically swept away by the housecleaning fairy all these years. Clean up after yourselves. If you are over the age of 3, you can pick up your own smelly socks and put them in the bin, or carry a dirty cup to the sink. It is not as if I am asking you to actually wash the damn things. I am a bit unbalanced, but I am not crazy enough to expect that to happen.

Stray Dog, quit digging holes in the backyard! If I can't tunnel my way out of this hell, neither can you! And while your at it.... if you're going to kill birds and squirrels at least eat the damn things instead of leaving their carcasses around the backyard. Gross!

Work. Ya, I said the worst of all 4-letter words. I have a part-time job again. I hate it. Well, it is not really the job I hate, just some of the policies and procedures. They go against my greater moral and ethical beliefs. No, I am not kidding about that. I feel like people are getting taken advantage of and/or ripped off, and those are things I cannot stand to have happen. Oh, and of course there is one (there is ALWAYS one) major bitch there whom the world would be better off without. Just yesterday she kept getting phone calls. When the phone rang for the dozenth time she said, "if that call is for me i am going to shoot myself." I very quietly said, "Oh God, in that case please let the phone be for her!" Yes. Yes, I really did!

There is more, but right now I have a bossy little turd demanding a drink. He has taken Stray Dog hostage and if he doesn't get juice soon, the dog gets it! So, I am off to save the damn hole-digging, bird/squirrel-killing mutt.

Who Am I?

I am not the person I thought I would be. I am certainly not the person I wanted to be. Growing up we have so many thoughts and ideas and dreams about the person we will become. Reality can never live up to all that, can it? It most definitely has not for me.

My earliest dream was to be an actress. Nothing glamorous. I just wanted to be in commercials. It sounds silly I know. I was fascinated with commercials when I was little though. I would never watch the TV shows, but I would come running whenever the commercials were on. I loved them. From about age four to age seven, all I wanted was to be in commercials.

Around the age of seven I fell in love with Star Wars. It was at that point in life that I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I held that dream until about age eleven when I once again began to dream of acting. I knew that becoming an astronaut would not really mean cavorting with Wookies or hanging with little green shaman who talked like Grover from Sesame Street. Still, the idea of being amongst the stars seemed so amazing and perfect.

From age eleven until around age fifteen I thought I would be an actress. I really believed I would. I am not at all sure why I believed this since I had zero acting experience and even dropped drama class in high school after about two weeks. Around the age of fifteen I realized acting was not my future and traded that dream for the dream of working in advertising. Yep, the lure of the commercial had once again taken control of my plans for the future. I did take a commercial design class in high school that I loved and did very well in. However, like all the other dreams, it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was meant to be though. Maybe it really is what I was meant to do, but I just managed to screw it all up and throw myself off the path I truly belonged on. That seems about right. I have this bad habit of sabotaging my own life. Whenever things are going good, I make a stupid decision that throws it all off course and sends me spiralling back down to the depths. So, perhaps living the life of some hot shot advertising exec, staying single and living in a super cool bachelorette pad and having amazing parties with my small, but wonderful group of friends really is where I am supposed to be now. Maybe that dream was the reality I was supposed to live. Instead I threw it all away for some guy. Some guy whom I decided was more important that going away to art school. Some guy who after three years I threw away for some other guy.

Of course I threw that guy away for yet another guy. Then I threw that guy away for the guy I have now, and we all know where that choice has gotten me.

This is not the life I thought I would be living. I am not the person I thought I would be.


to be continued....