Who Am I?

I am not the person I thought I would be. I am certainly not the person I wanted to be. Growing up we have so many thoughts and ideas and dreams about the person we will become. Reality can never live up to all that, can it? It most definitely has not for me.

My earliest dream was to be an actress. Nothing glamorous. I just wanted to be in commercials. It sounds silly I know. I was fascinated with commercials when I was little though. I would never watch the TV shows, but I would come running whenever the commercials were on. I loved them. From about age four to age seven, all I wanted was to be in commercials.

Around the age of seven I fell in love with Star Wars. It was at that point in life that I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I held that dream until about age eleven when I once again began to dream of acting. I knew that becoming an astronaut would not really mean cavorting with Wookies or hanging with little green shaman who talked like Grover from Sesame Street. Still, the idea of being amongst the stars seemed so amazing and perfect.

From age eleven until around age fifteen I thought I would be an actress. I really believed I would. I am not at all sure why I believed this since I had zero acting experience and even dropped drama class in high school after about two weeks. Around the age of fifteen I realized acting was not my future and traded that dream for the dream of working in advertising. Yep, the lure of the commercial had once again taken control of my plans for the future. I did take a commercial design class in high school that I loved and did very well in. However, like all the other dreams, it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was meant to be though. Maybe it really is what I was meant to do, but I just managed to screw it all up and throw myself off the path I truly belonged on. That seems about right. I have this bad habit of sabotaging my own life. Whenever things are going good, I make a stupid decision that throws it all off course and sends me spiralling back down to the depths. So, perhaps living the life of some hot shot advertising exec, staying single and living in a super cool bachelorette pad and having amazing parties with my small, but wonderful group of friends really is where I am supposed to be now. Maybe that dream was the reality I was supposed to live. Instead I threw it all away for some guy. Some guy whom I decided was more important that going away to art school. Some guy who after three years I threw away for some other guy.

Of course I threw that guy away for yet another guy. Then I threw that guy away for the guy I have now, and we all know where that choice has gotten me.

This is not the life I thought I would be living. I am not the person I thought I would be.


to be continued....