on this night?

I can't help but wonder what Hub will be doing tonight. It's New Years Eve. Will he go out to a bar? Will he drink? Party? Go home with a woman?

We are in a trial separation, but in my mind that doesn't mean we are free to be with others. He agreed to that, but....... will he think the same way tonight???

Separation

We are on a trial separation. It was time to send the message that I am seriously thinking of bringing things to an end. There must be an end here! The question is....
will I end the marriage?
or
will he end all the stupid SA crap he is doing?

Time, and separation, will tell.

Sitting in Silence

I sit in silence, watching an old black and white film. It has something to do with alcoholism. Funny, I think, that such a topic was featured in a film so old. Not sure why it had never occurred to me that this is a problem that has been around for so, so long. Or at least I never realized it was recognized so long ago.

It is nearing 4am and still I sit and watch the film. I should be sleeping. I know that. Instead I sit and watch a film about one kind of addiction while my life unravels due to another. It's the reason I am awake. The reason I sit alone in the dark watching old movies on TV. Once more shunned by the man who should want me. The man I should not want and yet I do.

The evening started with such high hopes on my part. A few hours to ourselves. Sitting together on the couch, holding each other close. Then time to retreat to the bedroom. Everything had pointed to an intimate evening. Instead he talks about anything he can think of. Anything but us. Anything but what should very naturally be happening.

I lay there getting angry. I don't want to talk about the children. Not about work. Not about any of these stupid things he mentions. I truly do not want to talk at all.

Finally I am fed up with it all and call him out. Why? Why are you talking about these things? Why are you not touching me? Trying to be with me? Why? No answer. Only silence. We lay in silence and time ticks by. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. It's enough. I get up, taking my pillow and blanket with me I retreat to the couch.

I sit in silence and watch an old black and white film about one kind of addiction while in my mind I think of how another has ruined my marriage.

just a rant

So one of my Facebook friends is a girl I used to work with. She just posted pictures of her new house. Big, giant house. Nice neighborhood. Expensive. Fancy. Perfect. And how did she manage to move into a house like that? Her husband. All because she married a guy who has a great job, makes really great money. Ok, I know it would be nice to be happy for her. "Good for her" and all that jazz. No freaking way! Can't do it.

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I went out with her for drinks after work one night. The night got later and later, she partied harder and harder. By the end of the night she was heading up to a hotel room with the band. The whole freaking band! Not just one guy... but 4 of them. Oh! and at the time she was living with the guy that she is now married to. She had spent the whole night telling me how she didn't really love him, wasn't even really attracted to him, but he made good money and bought her and her kids stuff and took care of her. Then she ends up calling him and telling him she is too drunk to drive home and staying at my house when she's really going to a hotel room to sleep with an entire freaking band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now she's on Facebook bragging about her nice, new house that this poor guy bought for them. I want to puke! I want to scream!

I want to know why the users and abusers get ahead while those of us who genuinely love and care about people constantly get screwed over!?!?!?!

I want to know why life is so unfu****g fair!?!?!?!?!?!?!

false life

I mentioned hiding from life by living a false life online. My false life is playing a character in a game. Stupid little role playing games online. Dumb stuff like farmtown or yoville on facebook. Just dumb little games where I can put on a false identity and be someone I'm not. Games where I can earn fake money and buy fake things and have a fake life full of things I can't get in real life. It's harmless but it's not. It doesn't hurt anyone. Not really. But at the same time it takes away time from my real life. It takes away time I could be playing with the kids or exercising or cleaning the house.

I am not talking about spending a few minutes or even an hour or two playing these games. I'm talking about playing 5 or 6 hours out of the day. It's become an addiction for me. I tell myself I won't get online and play but then I do it anyway. Then I tell myself I won't play for very long but the next thing I know, I've been playing for 4 hours. I have found myself online at 2 in the morning just staring at my farm in farmtown thinking about what I will buy next and how I will rearrange the farm. It's stupid. It's just plain stupid! It's a waste of my life and I know that, but still I don't stop. Everyday I am right back at it.

I am beginning to wonder if it's much different from what Hub does. He gets online and dives into role playing games too. His are different. Not innocent games. His involve sex and women. His games involve chat rooms and adult sites. His big thing is to chat with women and play a role. The dominant role. That's his big thing. To act like he's in control. He gets his kicks from playing the role of someone who has all the power.

I don't know if it's because he feels like he doesn't have any control or power in the real world. Maybe it is. That's why I like the games I play, isn't it? Because I can have money and nice things. Things I don't have in real life. So maybe it's not that different... what I do and what he does.

Of course my games don't hurt him. They don't make him feel like he's less than he is. That's what he makes me feel when he seeks his online games. It makes me feel like I am not enough. Not what he wants. But then, if he really wants a woman that will cower down and give in to his every command...... well, I don't want to be what he wants then. I don't want to be that woman.

So we live our false lives. Mine hidden in the fantasy of having money. His hidden in the fantasy of being in control.

Meanwhile our real lives slip further and further away. Time being thrown away like garbage. Precious time. Time that will never be returned.

Depressing

I am feeling very depressed lately. Not clinical depression. Not the stuff that can be fixed with medication. Maybe it can be disguised with meds, but not fixed. I've considered the meds. It won't do me any good though. Not really. It might make me feel better. Might. It won't cure me of the depression. That's what I really want. What I need. Cured.

Masking the problems is a quick fix. One I don't want. I just want the crap in my life that is making me depressed to go away. Pills won't do that.

Sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Sometimes it's just a condition of life. That is what mine is. Sometimes your life just sucks so bad that it gets you down. Really down. That's where I am at right now. Life sucks.

I'd stay in bed all day if it were an option. Sleeping is good. When I am asleep I don't have to face the harsh realities of life. I don't have to think about the bills that aren't getting paid. I don't have to think about the fact that I don't have money to buy the kids clothes and shoes for school. I don't even have the money to buy them school supplies like paper and pens and pencils. When I am sleeping I don't have to worry that the car will be repo'd or that the electricity will be shut off.

It's not all financial worries. There is still the crap with Hub. I've been doing a good job of burying my head in the sand and not thinking about his SA. Sometimes something will happen that triggers me and I get into the freak out mode over it all. Mostly though I just avoid it all. Try not to think about it and pretend it doesn't exist. It's getting easier to do. That's probably not a good thing though. That gets me depressed too. Thinking about how my marriage has become such a farce that I don't even care what Hub does or doesn't do anymore. I should care, but I don't. That is depressing.

I have been spending a good deal of time hiding from real life lately. The internet is a great tool for that. Why face real life when you can get lost in a false life online? (sigh) That's depressing too. Playing stupid games on the internet to escape reality? That's sad and pathetic. It's depressing.

Life is just.... depressing!

empty shell

We're struggling financially again. No money to make the car payment. It has one of those devices that keeps the car from starting if you don't make the payment. (you have to enter a code that they give you once payment is made) so..... Tomorrow the car will not start.

No money for food either. I've scraped up change and hit the dollar menus at the fast food places this week to get the kids lunch. Lots of ramen noodles and hotdogs too.

I am at a real low point. Not an all time low, but low. It was this time last year that I hit my all time low. I feel as though I should write it out but I feel too low to even do that. Even the post I am doing now is nowhere close to how I would normally write. I don't have it in me right now. Hell! I don't have much of myself in me. That's the truth of it. I am an empty shell. My heart, my soul......... they are missing.

the truth in his own mind

I've noticed Hubs lies are increasing. Not the ones that involve the SA. It's the little ones. The ones where he just makes crap up and tries to pass it for truth.

He's always done this. I didn't know that at first. It took me about a year to catch on to it. I am not sure why he does it. He'll make something completely up and tell people it happened. One of the first lies I ever caught onto was when he'd told someone how much he made and it was way more than he actually did make. I didn't think much of it because I think there are a lot of people who do that. Then I noticed he would tell people about a conversation he'd had and he would tell them he said things he didn't actually say. Or he would tell a story about his past and then I would find out later it never actually happened.

The big one, the one that finally made me realize that he has some sort of problem was the one about dyslexia. He had told me and a few other people he was dyslexic. I believed him but then over time I saw him read and write with no trouble at all. I know people can overcome dyslexia, but not to the point that he would have had to overcome it. He reads and writes perfectly. I've made the comment to him that he sure did manage to overcome it well. I've said it in a sarcastic tone that made it obvious I didn't believe him, but he holds to the story.

The next really big one I came across was his divorce. He was married before and the story he told me of how, when and why he got divorced does not hold up with what I have learned since. He completely lied about it all. I won't get into the details much, but the truth doesn't make him look good. I would have been surprised by that years ago. Now it doesn't surprise me at all though. He is a jerk and a creep. Proven fact.

There were times he would tell me about a conversation he had at work. The things that he claims to have said I know had to be total crap. There are things he claims to have told bosses that would have gotten him fired. Without a doubt. Things that there are no way anyone could say to a boss and not get fired.

Lately though, it has gotten worse. He was telling me that he'd said something to someone just a few weeks ago. I was there at the time. I was standing right next to him. He did NOT say the things he is claiming to have said. That's pretty typical. But this is the first time that I was actually right there where I heard everything said. He has to know that I know damn well he didn't say what he is claiming. I was right next to him! I even told him a couple days ago that I didn't hear him say that and I was right next to him at the time. His answer to that? "well, i don't know why you didn't hear it. you should have. you were right there. maybe it was because i was turned away from you when i said it". What? Are you kidding me? I was right next to him. Even if his head was on backwards I would have heard what he was saying. He did not say the things he claims.

This is new for me. This whole thing of sticking to a lie that I know for sure is a lie since I was there. He knows that I am aware it's a lie. That I know it's a lie. So why stick to it? Why? What is the big deal? I believe he thinks that what he's claiming to have said makes him seem tough and cool. It actually makes him seem like an asshole. If he'd actually said what he is claiming it would have been embarrassing and rude. And it would have been said in front of my entire family which would have made it worse. I am actually glad he didn't say it. So why lie and say he did???

I don't think he has a real grasp on reality anymore. I don't think he can tell the difference between fantasy and the truth anymore. I believe his lies have become truth in his mind. They say if you tell a lie enough times you start to believe it yourself. I believe that has happened with Hub. The lies aren't lies to him, they are facts in his own mind.

I don't think it's healthy for me to be around him much longer.

i want out

I want out!

I don't love him anymore. I don't even like him. Actually, I stopped liking him long before I stopped loving him, I think.

I have no desire to spend any time with him at all.

I don't like to talk to him. We have nothing to converse about except the kids. You can only talk about your children for so long. And really, who wants to only talk about their children? I want to have a real adult conversation with a real adult.

I took a break from him and spent time with my parents. I didn't mis him. Not at all! I didn't look forward to coming home because he was here. I sort of missed being in my own house, but the fact that was in it made it seem much less desirable.

There is just nothing left.

I don't like him!
I don't like his personality.
I don't like his sense of humor.
I don't like his habits.
I don't like the way he looks.
I don't like the way he acts.
I don't like the way he talks.
I just don't like him anymore. Not at all!

There is nothing left.

I want out!

We were in public today and for the first time ever I was incredibly embarassed to be seen with him. I couldn't stand the fact that people could see us together and know that we were together. I hated it! Then, just before we left he wanted to kiss me goodbye. Yuck! I don't even like to do that at home anymore. I really didn't want to do it in front of other people. If no one figured out we were together before that, then the kiss would tell them for sure. I hated that people would know I was with him. In my mind he is simply gross and disgusting now. That is how I see him. That is how I feel about him.

He makes my stomach churn.

I don't want to be with him anymore!!!

I don't like him!

I want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how. That's the problem. I have to figure this out. I have to find a way, because...
I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Words

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?
They used to be a statement.
An emotion.
A declaration.

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?
They used to be a lifeline.
The very breath I'd take.
The knowledge that got me through the day.

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?
They used to have meaning.
A purpose.
Soul.

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?
They used to make me happy.
Secure.
Excited.

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?

I
Love
You
When did they become just words spoken without emotion or purpose?
When did they become just words used to end a phone call?
When did they become just words used to say goodnight or goodbye?

I
Love
You
When did they become just words?
And WHY???

Love/Hate

Why must I change the parts of my life that I love in order to change the parts that I hate?

I love staying home with Tot. I love that I am the one who wakes him in the morning. I am the one who feeds him breakfast and gets him dressed. I am the one who plays with him, teaches him, nurtures him. I am the one that cares for him all day long. I love to be the number one person in his life. The one he counts on for nearly everything. The one who will teach him to become a good person, a loving person, a caring person, a person who is reliable and honest.

I love having time to spend with Dot and Sonny in the summers. I love being able to take them to the pool or the park. To a museum or a picnic. I love that during the school year I am here when they leave in the mornings and here when they come home in the afternoons. I love that I do not have to worry about where they are or who they are with.

I hate the lies and deceptions that Hub has continually forced upon me. I hate that in order to be free of them I have to give up what I love most in life. I hate that I have to find a job and go to work in order for both he and I to know that I could leave him. I hate that I have to trust my children to strangers in order to do this.

relationships

There are times when I have a strong desire to simply curl up into myself. To simply get lost in the deepest parts of my mind. My imagination. To pretend... no! to convince myself that life is what I truly desire it to be.

I lose myself in the dream of the nearly perfect life. Money is no issue there. And love...
Love is real. It is a wonderful mix of attraction, desire, passion, emotion, commitment, loyalty and respect. The fantasy of love. The kind that stories and movies all made us think was real when we were children growing up. Love that does not fade. Does not diminish over time. Love that stays as true and strong as it was from day one.

There is a reason the love you read of in stories or see in movies seems so perfect. It is the beginning. The story rarely follows the lovers down the long, hard road of life and time. If it did then we would see that love is not perfect. It isn't some dream come true that will make us happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives. Love is a fantasy. A creation of our own minds.

Relationships are nothing to do with love. Not really. No, they are much more complex than that. Relationships are work and compromise. They involve sacrifice, empathy, and often forgiveness. There are good points and bad in relationships.

I have come to believe that a relationship is the true test of who we really are. When things get hard... will you quit? or will you work harder? will you run away? or will you stay and fight? will you forgive? or will you hold a grudge? will you compromise? or will you refuse to budge? will you face things head on? or will you curl up inside yourself?

What kind of person are you really??? Only our actions and reactions will tell.

It Ain't Just A River In Egypt

I thought I was done convincing myself that my life was anything other than what it is. I was wrong. Apperantly I still had a bit of denial left in me.

I guess I can't blame myself too much for falling under the sense that things were really ok afterall. I mean, it did seem better. At least for a little while. Hub hadn't been on the computer in weeks. He did check email, but only while sitting right next to me where I could see the screen and know what he was doing. He'd begun coming to bed with me as well.

It started with the night I let the walls come down. The night we had our special moment. No promises were made. If they had been it would have been a warning to me that things weren't different at all. The promises mean nothing. They never have. Empty words. Lies. I hate the lies most of all.

We somehow managed to make a connection again. I had thought that impossible for so long now. It felt amazing. It also distracted me from reality. I knew deep down things weren't really different. That eventually he would show his true colors again. But for a time, I let myself forget. Really, what I let myself do was pretend. To pretend life had not become horrible and unbearable. To pretend that our marriage was not only able to be saved, but worth saving. It felt good to think that way, even if only for awhile.

That's the thing with denial... you know it's not good for you, but it feels good to be there, deep in it, anway. You let the river carry away all your doubts and fears. The cooling waters soothe away the pain. The current keeps you afloat even though you were sure you were going to drown. You're not alone anymore because there are creatures all around you, floating along, riding out the waves at your side. You know that the creatures actually have sharp teeth and that in the end they will end up eating you alive... but it doesn't matter because at least you're not alone. So, you float along in the cool waters, your cares drifting away, holding hands with that croc and feeling like life is really ok. Until you look down and see that crocodile smile for what it really is. Then you brace yourself for the bite that's about to come...