It has been a looooooooooong, hectic, crazy week around here and I am SO glad it is over!!! Let's hope Halloween marks the end of the insanity of the week and that next week will be better.
Happy Halloween from Rock Bottom!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Miracle of Mercy Land by River Jordan
There is magic in a good book. It is a powerful something that pulls you in and captures a part of you. It may be your heart, your sense of adventure, or perhaps your imagination, but whatever part of you it is, it is fully enraptured by the magical power of the book. Even time becomes nothing as we sit and read for hours, taking no notice of the ticking of the clock. Not caring if it is time for a favorite show to be on television, or time to take the dog for a walk. Instead we are moved away from time and into another world. A world of new people whose lives we get to watch. For a few moments we feel as though our own lives have become intertwined with these people, our new friends. Friends in a book. Friends whose journeys we follow page by page. Each turn of the page brings us closer to the end. In a truly good book it is easy to both anticipate and dread that ending. Oh, the anticipation of discovering the conclusion of the journey, of knowing how it all turns out. And yet, there is the dread. Once we reach the end, that is it. There is no more. We've concluded our look through the lives of our new friends and oh how we wish there were maybe just a chapter or two more so that we could spend just a bit more time with them.
This is how I felt about The Miracle of Mercy Land. A book about a woman who gets the chance to glimpse into the lives of those around her through a book of magic and wonder.
about the book:
Mercy Land has made some unexpected choices for a young woman in the 1930s. The sheltered daughter of a traveling preacher, she chooses to leave her rural community to move to nearby Bay City on the warm, gulf-waters of southern Alabama. There she finds a job at the local paper and spends seven years making herself indispensible to old Doc Philips, the publisher and editor. Then she gets a frantic call at dawn—it’s the biggest news story of her life, and she can’t print a word of it.
Doc has come into possession of a curious book that maps the lives of everyone in Bay City—decisions they’ve made in the past, and how those choices affect the future. Mercy and Doc are consumed by the mystery locked between the pages—Doc because he hopes to right a very old wrong, and Mercy because she wants to fulfill the book’s strange purpose. But when a mysterious stranger shows up, Mercy begins to understand she may have to choose between love and loneliness . . . or good and evil . . . for the rest of her life.
I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
This is how I felt about The Miracle of Mercy Land. A book about a woman who gets the chance to glimpse into the lives of those around her through a book of magic and wonder.
about the book:
Mercy Land has made some unexpected choices for a young woman in the 1930s. The sheltered daughter of a traveling preacher, she chooses to leave her rural community to move to nearby Bay City on the warm, gulf-waters of southern Alabama. There she finds a job at the local paper and spends seven years making herself indispensible to old Doc Philips, the publisher and editor. Then she gets a frantic call at dawn—it’s the biggest news story of her life, and she can’t print a word of it.
Doc has come into possession of a curious book that maps the lives of everyone in Bay City—decisions they’ve made in the past, and how those choices affect the future. Mercy and Doc are consumed by the mystery locked between the pages—Doc because he hopes to right a very old wrong, and Mercy because she wants to fulfill the book’s strange purpose. But when a mysterious stranger shows up, Mercy begins to understand she may have to choose between love and loneliness . . . or good and evil . . . for the rest of her life.
I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
Monday, October 25, 2010
you either have to trust someone or not
I received a comment on yesterday's post from Vicki. She said, "I think you either have to trust someone or not." I am not about to belittle your comment Vicki, not at all. I am thanking you for it because it made me stop and really think about it. Is it that simple? Do you either have to trust or not trust? I used to think so. I hope for you, and for most women out there, that it is indeed that simple. It should be! I used to think it was.
Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.
At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sexchat with strange women.
Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.
The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?
Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?
Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?
I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?
My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.
There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.
There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.
I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.
I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.
Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.
At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.
Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sex
Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.
The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?
Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?
Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?
I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?
My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.
There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.
There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.
I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.
I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Questions without answers
warning: this post is rated NC-17, or at least a strong R. If you don't want to read some of the details of Hub's sex addiction antics, stop reading now.
Hub is out of town for a few weeks for work. This is what led me to my worry about him "acting out". (i really need a better term than that one) There is just something about the combination of Hub and a hotel that I just don't like.
I should say that I have never had any sort of proof that his SA has gone beyond porn, internet chat rooms, private online chats, and phone calls. No proof, but serious reason to believe it has anyway. Whatever.... my point is that mostly I only have to worry about him doing stupid shit on the internet or the phone. When he is home, at least I know where he is even if I don't know exactly what he is doing. For the most part anyway.
When he is out of town for work, I have no way of knowing where he is or what he is doing. The worst of my concerns comes in the form of the hotel bar. You see, I do know from past experiences that Hubs greatest fantasies revolve around meeting strange women and having wild and rough sex with them. His phone calls and chats all involve different scenarios like that. His #1 place for these fantasies to take place is a hotel bar! He has even asked me to role-play those types of encounters with him before. Yes, I have done so. At first I thought it was fun and exciting, then I thought it was lame and stupid, and finally I thought it was sick and twisted, but most of all it just felt insulting. But, I am getting off the point again. so....
My concern is that Hub will be spending his nights in the hotel bar looking to play out those fantasies of his for real.
I haven't had to worry about this happening for a very long time. But, Hub is once again working in sports. While we needed the money, I am not happy about it at all. I hate when he is on the road. It is like poison for our marriage. And, quite frankly, the money isn't even that great because he is working in a very minor league. Nothing like what he earned before and certainly not enough to get us out of the hole we are in. So why? Why even put our marriage through this for so little? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it is a test for both of us. Can we handle it? Can he be put in the path of temptation and resist? Can I deal with not knowing and still find a way to trust?
I am all questions and no answers these days.
Hub is out of town for a few weeks for work. This is what led me to my worry about him "acting out". (i really need a better term than that one) There is just something about the combination of Hub and a hotel that I just don't like.
I should say that I have never had any sort of proof that his SA has gone beyond porn, internet chat rooms, private online chats, and phone calls. No proof, but serious reason to believe it has anyway. Whatever.... my point is that mostly I only have to worry about him doing stupid shit on the internet or the phone. When he is home, at least I know where he is even if I don't know exactly what he is doing. For the most part anyway.
When he is out of town for work, I have no way of knowing where he is or what he is doing. The worst of my concerns comes in the form of the hotel bar. You see, I do know from past experiences that Hubs greatest fantasies revolve around meeting strange women and having wild and rough sex with them. His phone calls and chats all involve different scenarios like that. His #1 place for these fantasies to take place is a hotel bar! He has even asked me to role-play those types of encounters with him before. Yes, I have done so. At first I thought it was fun and exciting, then I thought it was lame and stupid, and finally I thought it was sick and twisted, but most of all it just felt insulting. But, I am getting off the point again. so....
My concern is that Hub will be spending his nights in the hotel bar looking to play out those fantasies of his for real.
I haven't had to worry about this happening for a very long time. But, Hub is once again working in sports. While we needed the money, I am not happy about it at all. I hate when he is on the road. It is like poison for our marriage. And, quite frankly, the money isn't even that great because he is working in a very minor league. Nothing like what he earned before and certainly not enough to get us out of the hole we are in. So why? Why even put our marriage through this for so little? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it is a test for both of us. Can we handle it? Can he be put in the path of temptation and resist? Can I deal with not knowing and still find a way to trust?
I am all questions and no answers these days.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
You're Stupid! no, not YOU... that other person
someone copied my answer in a group discussion for one of my online college courses. seriously! it was monday, there was only one question posted, i was the first to answer. later i checked back to see if there were any other responses that i could comment on to get my participation credit. there was only one other response to the question. i thought i had accidentally clicked on my own response. then i thought that i had made a few untypical grammatical errors. (not that my grammar is perfect, but i have a basic grasp of the english language) i then realized that someone had copied and pasted my answer and then changed just a couple of words in each sentence to try and give the appearance it was their own work. bad grammar aside, it was my answer exactly.
people are stupid!
there was only ONE question posted. there was only ONE answer posted. and they thought they could copy that one answer and nobody would notice?!? sort of gives a whole new definition to the word stupid.
it is not even like it was a question that had a specific answer. it was more of an opinion based question. it was asking for a personal choice between five options and explanation on why you chose those particular options. i may not have the most original mind, but i doubt this other person had the exact same thoughts i did.
i know you probably don't care about this but it just really pissed me off and i had to rant a bit about it.
i do actually have real issues going on in life that i should be sorting through. i am really concerned about Hub acting out soon. by the way... i totally hate the phrase "acting out"! it doesn't even begin to cover the severity of the offense. children act out when they pitch temper tantrums. lying, cheating, douchebag husbands commit sinful acts of adultery, and horrible betrayal of trusts. see? doesn't that seem way more fitting than "acting out"?
ah well, that is a post for later
people are stupid!
there was only ONE question posted. there was only ONE answer posted. and they thought they could copy that one answer and nobody would notice?!? sort of gives a whole new definition to the word stupid.
it is not even like it was a question that had a specific answer. it was more of an opinion based question. it was asking for a personal choice between five options and explanation on why you chose those particular options. i may not have the most original mind, but i doubt this other person had the exact same thoughts i did.
i know you probably don't care about this but it just really pissed me off and i had to rant a bit about it.
i do actually have real issues going on in life that i should be sorting through. i am really concerned about Hub acting out soon. by the way... i totally hate the phrase "acting out"! it doesn't even begin to cover the severity of the offense. children act out when they pitch temper tantrums. lying, cheating, douchebag husbands commit sinful acts of adultery, and horrible betrayal of trusts. see? doesn't that seem way more fitting than "acting out"?
ah well, that is a post for later
Monday, October 18, 2010
Nope! What?
Here is a bit of the randomness in my life right now...We were given a dog a few weeks ago. I didn't want a dog. I don't want the responsibility of training, feeding, bathing, cleaning up after, and the keeping alive of a small furry creature. I took her in anyway. The poor thing was being abused by some heartless bastard and I couldn't very well look at her pitiful face and say "get that thing out of here" now could I? Nope! So we have a dog now. She is really sweet actually and spends most of her time laying at my side or at my heels. I din't want a dog, but I love the wretched beast and am glad to have her.
Dog is killing me right now! I know, really random since I just said I'm glad to have her. We've given her plenty of toys to play with and she keeps sneaking them all outside and then sits inside looking pitiful because she has nothing to play with. We have a doggy door and she is making good use of it as a portal for toys (both hers and Tots) to the land of the lost. Ok, she isn't really killing me with this, but she is annoying the crap out of me.
Anyone else hate the new BK breakfast commercials? The flute guy creeps me out. Seriously! He is frightening, take him away!!!
Tot has taken up singing the BK breakfast song. It leaves me confused when he does it. You see, the line that he sings is "I'm hungry, I'm hungry". He will sometimes add the "I'm going to burger king" at the end, but mostly it is just the part about being hungry. So naturally, when he sings it I think he is hungry and asking for food. I ask him what he wants to eat and he tells me he isn't hungry. What? A few days of that and him actually adding the end of the song and I finally figured it out. All is well, or at least it was. Now he has decided to sing it when he is hungry but of course I think he is just singing the song. Then he gets ticked off because I am not getting him food. I just never know. Thanks BK! You've given a 5yo with a serious speech delay accompanied by a very limited vocabulary a new way to baffle and annoy his mother!
Speaking of Tot's limited vocabulary, I have added a few negative words to the small list. I am not proud of myself. I have road rage. Like the... if it wouldn't get me into legal trouble and damage my own car, i would totally rear-end someone who pissed me off in traffic... kinda road-rage. Since I can't do that, I cuss at people. A lot! Tot, who really only started to speak around the age of 4 and was close to 5 by the time he could form a full sentence, can now correctly use the word "bastard" and the phrase "damn it" in a sentence. Yes, he totally uses them in the correct context. I know, I know... I said I was not proud of myself! Right now I am just trying to be grateful that he isn't repeating the really bad words. Oh! and I am also trying not to cuss but that is a tough one when I am road-raging.
week 7
I am now into week seven of my first two college courses. That is seven out of a total of nine. It is a little bit exciting and a lotta bit (lotta bit is a very Tot thing to say) frightening to be approaching the end. Exciting because I will be able to say that I have actually say I have completed a college course, well two actually. However, it is also frightening because I have to worry about the final exams coming up. I did great on the midterms but now I am adding another five weeks of information on top of those first four weeks information and have to actually remember it all. Yikes! I am not concerned with passing so much as I am with getting the high grades I expect of myself. As of now I have a 95% in one class and a 99% in the other. Finishing above a 90% and hopefully above a 95% in both classes is what I really want and expect from myself. So.... that makes me nervous about the finals.
My other big concern right now is that I have become SO bored with both classes. Well, SO bored with one of them, and a little bored with the other. I am glad I will be done with them in just a few weeks. Then again I am a bit nervous about facing new courses and new instructors and not knowing what to expect. The class I am most bored with is some lame course on university studies that amounts to nothing but is required of all new students. It is basically to teach you study habits and how to deal with stress. The class just keeps focusing on the same things over and over and over again. Even the discussion questions seem to be the same questions slightly rephrased. How many different ways can I answer what my motivators are and which study methods I find most helpful?!? B O R I N G ! The other class is a health class that is at least somewhat interesting but the past couple weeks have been on sexual health. Not a favorite subject for the wife of a sex addict! Although if they actually covered sex addiction at least it might make it more interesting for me and I probably wouldn't even need to read the textbook to answer the questions!
Right now I should be reading and answering discussion questions for both classes but I just can't focus on it all right now. I've been at it for about two hours and my mind keeps screaming at me to stop. I haven't had much focus on those two hours and haven't gotten much actually accomplished. I really just can't take it anymore. So here I am taking a much needed, but not very wise break from it all. I really need the time Tot is at preschool to do the work but I just cannot focus anymore. It will be a late night studying instead I guess.
I have so very many things on my mind that I need to sort through and get it all out. Maybe I will keep avoiding the coursework and get some things written and set to post this week. Sounds better than reading about contraception or study habits, that is for sure!
My other big concern right now is that I have become SO bored with both classes. Well, SO bored with one of them, and a little bored with the other. I am glad I will be done with them in just a few weeks. Then again I am a bit nervous about facing new courses and new instructors and not knowing what to expect. The class I am most bored with is some lame course on university studies that amounts to nothing but is required of all new students. It is basically to teach you study habits and how to deal with stress. The class just keeps focusing on the same things over and over and over again. Even the discussion questions seem to be the same questions slightly rephrased. How many different ways can I answer what my motivators are and which study methods I find most helpful?!? B O R I N G ! The other class is a health class that is at least somewhat interesting but the past couple weeks have been on sexual health. Not a favorite subject for the wife of a sex addict! Although if they actually covered sex addiction at least it might make it more interesting for me and I probably wouldn't even need to read the textbook to answer the questions!
Right now I should be reading and answering discussion questions for both classes but I just can't focus on it all right now. I've been at it for about two hours and my mind keeps screaming at me to stop. I haven't had much focus on those two hours and haven't gotten much actually accomplished. I really just can't take it anymore. So here I am taking a much needed, but not very wise break from it all. I really need the time Tot is at preschool to do the work but I just cannot focus anymore. It will be a late night studying instead I guess.
I have so very many things on my mind that I need to sort through and get it all out. Maybe I will keep avoiding the coursework and get some things written and set to post this week. Sounds better than reading about contraception or study habits, that is for sure!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Evil comes in many forms
Hurray! It is Saturday. Know what that means? It means the kids are home to drive me insane, but that is not what I am referring to. I am talking Centus time! Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme in which you are given a new prompt each week. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story.
I love Halloween and so I am so far enjoying the prompts of October! Below is my entry for the week. Prompt is in color.
I’d turned out all the lights and sat huddled down beside the couch, desperate to stay below line of sight. They were coming and I knew it. Those horrible hobgoblins were going to arrive at any moment. I couldn’t face them. I wasn’t ready. They would come and they would take and take and take, showing no mercy.
The doorbell rang. There is no way I am going to answer that door.
A muffled, “Trick or treat,” came through. Only kids!
"Trick or treat!" they shouted as the door opened...
No! They had indeed tricked me! It was them, the hobgoblins. Evil bill collectors!
I love Halloween and so I am so far enjoying the prompts of October! Below is my entry for the week. Prompt is in color.
I’d turned out all the lights and sat huddled down beside the couch, desperate to stay below line of sight. They were coming and I knew it. Those horrible hobgoblins were going to arrive at any moment. I couldn’t face them. I wasn’t ready. They would come and they would take and take and take, showing no mercy.
The doorbell rang. There is no way I am going to answer that door.
A muffled, “Trick or treat,” came through. Only kids!
"Trick or treat!" they shouted as the door opened...
No! They had indeed tricked me! It was them, the hobgoblins. Evil bill collectors!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
and we all come crashing back down to the bottom!
Today was a really stressful day and the stress of it is going to be stretching on for awhile.
It really all started back in March. Dot was arrested for possessing marijuana at school. She had never done anything like that before and hasn't done anything like that since. Honestly she has never been in any kind of trouble ever! This was all due to the influence of some new friend of hers. A friend who she is no longer allowed to hang out with.
Anyway....
A little after nine this morning there was a knock at the door. I answered it and it was someone from the sheriff's office delivering a subpoena. After five freaking months they have decided to press charges. I thought this was all a thing of the past, over and done with. I had no clue that they could take so long to take this action. Turns out they actually had two years. Ridiculous! I really didn't think anything more was going to come of this. She went to an addiction counselor (required by the school in order to get back in) who agreed that this was a one time event that she was extremely likely never to repeat. She had to do a one day education seminar about drugs. The counselor recommended that because he had to recommend something and he said that was really all she needed. So, I really thought this was over. Wrong!
I don't want Dot to have to go to juvenile detention for one stupid mistake!
Now, what makes it even worse is that I was also subpoenaed.
Turns out that when kids go to juvie here they make the parents pay child support! What kind of bullshit is that??? I am going to be punished for something I had nothing to do with. Hell, it didn't even happen on my weekend, it happened on her father's. I had already decided that the new friend was bad news and wasn't going to let Dot hang out with her anymore. Her father is the one that let her go hang out with her! Dot was arrested on one his days as well. I'm not saying it is really his fault either, because the fault really must fall on her. It was her stupid choice. But, I do think he should have been a more responsible parent.
I am struggling with the fact that I was subpoenaed and her father wasn't. He was the one that went to the school and then down to the police station and picked her up. So why do they have my information? His phone number is listed, but it has my name and address. This is total bullshit! I could understand if it listed us both, afterall we have shared custody, so that would sort of make sense. I can't understand why it only lists me though. I am thinking he intentionally listed my information at the police station. Totally something he would do!
This is just more shit I don't need in my life.
I don't have any experience with this kind of crap. Nobody in my family has ever been in trouble with the law. Everyone in his family has! That includes him, his sister, his brother, and yes even his mother! He would be way more prepared for dealing with this type of thing than me.
I don't have money for a lawyer and I don't know if he will be willing to pay for one. So Dot may be stuck with a court appointed lawyer. If they are anything like the lawyers from Legal Services (who i used in the horrible mess of a custody battle that was an epic failure for me due to the joke of a lawyer i had)... well then, Dot is royally screwed.
I have to make some calls tomorrow and figure out what the hell we are supposed to do. I am seriously clueless!
It really all started back in March. Dot was arrested for possessing marijuana at school. She had never done anything like that before and hasn't done anything like that since. Honestly she has never been in any kind of trouble ever! This was all due to the influence of some new friend of hers. A friend who she is no longer allowed to hang out with.
Anyway....
A little after nine this morning there was a knock at the door. I answered it and it was someone from the sheriff's office delivering a subpoena. After five freaking months they have decided to press charges. I thought this was all a thing of the past, over and done with. I had no clue that they could take so long to take this action. Turns out they actually had two years. Ridiculous! I really didn't think anything more was going to come of this. She went to an addiction counselor (required by the school in order to get back in) who agreed that this was a one time event that she was extremely likely never to repeat. She had to do a one day education seminar about drugs. The counselor recommended that because he had to recommend something and he said that was really all she needed. So, I really thought this was over. Wrong!
I don't want Dot to have to go to juvenile detention for one stupid mistake!
Now, what makes it even worse is that I was also subpoenaed.
Turns out that when kids go to juvie here they make the parents pay child support! What kind of bullshit is that??? I am going to be punished for something I had nothing to do with. Hell, it didn't even happen on my weekend, it happened on her father's. I had already decided that the new friend was bad news and wasn't going to let Dot hang out with her anymore. Her father is the one that let her go hang out with her! Dot was arrested on one his days as well. I'm not saying it is really his fault either, because the fault really must fall on her. It was her stupid choice. But, I do think he should have been a more responsible parent.
I am struggling with the fact that I was subpoenaed and her father wasn't. He was the one that went to the school and then down to the police station and picked her up. So why do they have my information? His phone number is listed, but it has my name and address. This is total bullshit! I could understand if it listed us both, afterall we have shared custody, so that would sort of make sense. I can't understand why it only lists me though. I am thinking he intentionally listed my information at the police station. Totally something he would do!
This is just more shit I don't need in my life.
I don't have any experience with this kind of crap. Nobody in my family has ever been in trouble with the law. Everyone in his family has! That includes him, his sister, his brother, and yes even his mother! He would be way more prepared for dealing with this type of thing than me.
I don't have money for a lawyer and I don't know if he will be willing to pay for one. So Dot may be stuck with a court appointed lawyer. If they are anything like the lawyers from Legal Services (who i used in the horrible mess of a custody battle that was an epic failure for me due to the joke of a lawyer i had)... well then, Dot is royally screwed.
I have to make some calls tomorrow and figure out what the hell we are supposed to do. I am seriously clueless!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Take my hammer...please
Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme in which you are given a prompt each week. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story.
This week's prompt is If I had a hammer.
I had two things I wanted to do with the prompt this week. Here is #1:
If I had a hammer I could finally hang those pictures on the wall.
If I had a hammer I could build a dog house for this mingy mutt.
If I had a hammer I could fix that broken cabinet in the garage.
If I had a hammer I could build myself the bookshelves I have been wanting for years.
If I had a hammer I could repair that busted toy box.
If I had a hammer I could get a lot of work done around this place.
If I had a hammer I wouldn't be sitting here eating these chips and watching this movie.
hmmmm.....
I am really, really glad I don't have a hammer.
and here is #2 and this one is a true story:
All the other kids were singing pop songs. That wasn’t going to get them anywhere with our music teacher. I was smarter; I chose a song she loved. She must love it since she made us sing it everyday since first grade.
When it was my turn I belted it out. “If I had a hammer I would fly to the state where a man could walk a mile high.” It was perfect, even Simon would have loved it. If American Idol existed in 1982 that is.
I got the lead part in the musical alright…
but she made me lip-sync all the musical numbers.
edit: it should be noted that while those are the words I sang, I believe I had mixed up two totally different songs when I sang them, creating lyrical nonsense. i think the teacher just felt a mighty sense of pity for poor cunfused kid i was
This week's prompt is If I had a hammer.
I had two things I wanted to do with the prompt this week. Here is #1:
If I had a hammer I could finally hang those pictures on the wall.
If I had a hammer I could build a dog house for this mingy mutt.
If I had a hammer I could fix that broken cabinet in the garage.
If I had a hammer I could build myself the bookshelves I have been wanting for years.
If I had a hammer I could repair that busted toy box.
If I had a hammer I could get a lot of work done around this place.
If I had a hammer I wouldn't be sitting here eating these chips and watching this movie.
hmmmm.....
I am really, really glad I don't have a hammer.
and here is #2 and this one is a true story:
All the other kids were singing pop songs. That wasn’t going to get them anywhere with our music teacher. I was smarter; I chose a song she loved. She must love it since she made us sing it everyday since first grade.
When it was my turn I belted it out. “If I had a hammer I would fly to the state where a man could walk a mile high.” It was perfect, even Simon would have loved it. If American Idol existed in 1982 that is.
I got the lead part in the musical alright…
but she made me lip-sync all the musical numbers.
edit: it should be noted that while those are the words I sang, I believe I had mixed up two totally different songs when I sang them, creating lyrical nonsense. i think the teacher just felt a mighty sense of pity for poor cunfused kid i was
Monday, October 4, 2010
Pie
I am making myself find the time to take part in Saturday Centus this week. If you want to know why I need to make myself, just read my last post. I won't bore you with the details here.
Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. Normally we are given a prompt to use within the story, but this week is different. This week our prompt is a photo.
They lay before me like little orange soldiers in some crazy army. Hundreds of bright orange gourds lined up, waiting, trying to impress. Each of them waiting to be chosen as best.
Over here they seemed to call. Choose me! I am the biggest called one from the right. I am the brightest called a little one from the center. I am the perfect shape screamed one from the left. Each of them had something to say, some reason to call themself best.
You don’t want to be chosen I tried to tell them. The oven is hot.
Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. Normally we are given a prompt to use within the story, but this week is different. This week our prompt is a photo.
They lay before me like little orange soldiers in some crazy army. Hundreds of bright orange gourds lined up, waiting, trying to impress. Each of them waiting to be chosen as best.
Over here they seemed to call. Choose me! I am the biggest called one from the right. I am the brightest called a little one from the center. I am the perfect shape screamed one from the left. Each of them had something to say, some reason to call themself best.
You don’t want to be chosen I tried to tell them. The oven is hot.
Lost
Life has been insanely busy. It is my own fault. Tired of never having anything to do or anywhere to be I went a bit overboard in trying to remedy the problem.
As I mentioned, I started college courses online. Time consuming, but going well. The online school works like this: I take 2 courses at a time for 9 weeks. Then I jump right into another 2 courses for 9 more weeks. If all goes well, I earn my associates degree in around 18 months rather than 2 years. So far things are indeed going well. Just had midterms for my first 2 classes. I missed only 2 answers on one test and only 1 on the other. Big boost for my self-confidence! I was stressed out over the idea of taking a test for the first time in twenty years and spent way more time than was really necessary studying for those tests. Last week was spent in a haze of studying and keeping up with my family and household. Ok, truth be told I didn't keep up with the housework. This place is an absolute mess! I thought I would get around to cleaning today, but I have come down with something and have zero energy for cleaning.
It is going to be a frozen dinner kind of night around here tonight! The dishes are all dirty and there really isn't anything to cook anyway. I haven't had a chance to shop for groceries either. Nobody wants my germs in their food anyway.
In my quest to find myself something to do other than sit around the house feeling depressed I volunteered to work in the Sunday school at church, signed up for a book club, joined a mom's group, and joined a women's bible study group. Ya! All that on top of college courses and everyday responsibilities. It is too much. I've dropped the book club. I actually want to drop the Sunday school thing too. I feel like I really can't though. They were so in need of help and were really grateful that I volunteered. I feel a bit stuck with it. It wouldn't be bad except that some of the other volunteers really ticked me off this past Sunday. That is a story (and a post) all to itself though.
I no longer feel as though I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Instead I feel burdened by the fact that I have something/somewhere too often. It is a double edged sword. I hate being bored and feeling like I have nothing, but I also hate feeling obligated to be somewhere at a certain time. I am a last minute plans kinda gal. I'm also known to change my mind and back out of something at the last minute just because I don't feel like it at that exact moment.
So right now I am wishing I could just lay in bed and rest since I feel so cruddy. Headache, sore throat, no energy, muscle aches. I thought I was having allergy issues since it all started with watery eyes and sinus issues, but it has evolved into something worse. Hub is not here and the older kids are at school and both have things going on tonight, so it is just me here with Tot, so crawling into bed and sleeping the illness away is not an option.
I know the stress I was feeling last week has contributed to me being sick. Stress weakens the immune system and makes you more prone to illness. I was seriously stressed out last week! Not just the stress of school but also financial issues. The tests are over, but the financial problems are just snowballing! What is that old saying? something about borrowing from Peter to payback Paul? That is the place we're in right now. Debt just keeps piling up because we've had to borrow money to pay bills and now the bills are due again and we still owe the money to the people we borrowed from. So, I am dealing with high stress and illness and the two just build off of each other.
I am struggling to find joy in my life right now. I'm happy with my family right now and there is joy in that. The kids are all doing well and Hub has been good and helpful in various ways. I just can't find the joy within myself.
I had really been finding myself again through some creative writing but I haven't had time for that at all either. So now I am lost again. This time I am lost under a pile of responsibilities and obligations rather than in a sea of despair. I guess that is improvement, but I still hate feeling so lost.
As I mentioned, I started college courses online. Time consuming, but going well. The online school works like this: I take 2 courses at a time for 9 weeks. Then I jump right into another 2 courses for 9 more weeks. If all goes well, I earn my associates degree in around 18 months rather than 2 years. So far things are indeed going well. Just had midterms for my first 2 classes. I missed only 2 answers on one test and only 1 on the other. Big boost for my self-confidence! I was stressed out over the idea of taking a test for the first time in twenty years and spent way more time than was really necessary studying for those tests. Last week was spent in a haze of studying and keeping up with my family and household. Ok, truth be told I didn't keep up with the housework. This place is an absolute mess! I thought I would get around to cleaning today, but I have come down with something and have zero energy for cleaning.
It is going to be a frozen dinner kind of night around here tonight! The dishes are all dirty and there really isn't anything to cook anyway. I haven't had a chance to shop for groceries either. Nobody wants my germs in their food anyway.
In my quest to find myself something to do other than sit around the house feeling depressed I volunteered to work in the Sunday school at church, signed up for a book club, joined a mom's group, and joined a women's bible study group. Ya! All that on top of college courses and everyday responsibilities. It is too much. I've dropped the book club. I actually want to drop the Sunday school thing too. I feel like I really can't though. They were so in need of help and were really grateful that I volunteered. I feel a bit stuck with it. It wouldn't be bad except that some of the other volunteers really ticked me off this past Sunday. That is a story (and a post) all to itself though.
I no longer feel as though I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Instead I feel burdened by the fact that I have something/somewhere too often. It is a double edged sword. I hate being bored and feeling like I have nothing, but I also hate feeling obligated to be somewhere at a certain time. I am a last minute plans kinda gal. I'm also known to change my mind and back out of something at the last minute just because I don't feel like it at that exact moment.
So right now I am wishing I could just lay in bed and rest since I feel so cruddy. Headache, sore throat, no energy, muscle aches. I thought I was having allergy issues since it all started with watery eyes and sinus issues, but it has evolved into something worse. Hub is not here and the older kids are at school and both have things going on tonight, so it is just me here with Tot, so crawling into bed and sleeping the illness away is not an option.
I know the stress I was feeling last week has contributed to me being sick. Stress weakens the immune system and makes you more prone to illness. I was seriously stressed out last week! Not just the stress of school but also financial issues. The tests are over, but the financial problems are just snowballing! What is that old saying? something about borrowing from Peter to payback Paul? That is the place we're in right now. Debt just keeps piling up because we've had to borrow money to pay bills and now the bills are due again and we still owe the money to the people we borrowed from. So, I am dealing with high stress and illness and the two just build off of each other.
I am struggling to find joy in my life right now. I'm happy with my family right now and there is joy in that. The kids are all doing well and Hub has been good and helpful in various ways. I just can't find the joy within myself.
I had really been finding myself again through some creative writing but I haven't had time for that at all either. So now I am lost again. This time I am lost under a pile of responsibilities and obligations rather than in a sea of despair. I guess that is improvement, but I still hate feeling so lost.
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