I thought I was done convincing myself that my life was anything other than what it is. I was wrong. Apperantly I still had a bit of denial left in me.
I guess I can't blame myself too much for falling under the sense that things were really ok afterall. I mean, it did seem better. At least for a little while. Hub hadn't been on the computer in weeks. He did check email, but only while sitting right next to me where I could see the screen and know what he was doing. He'd begun coming to bed with me as well.
It started with the night I let the walls come down. The night we had our special moment. No promises were made. If they had been it would have been a warning to me that things weren't different at all. The promises mean nothing. They never have. Empty words. Lies. I hate the lies most of all.
We somehow managed to make a connection again. I had thought that impossible for so long now. It felt amazing. It also distracted me from reality. I knew deep down things weren't really different. That eventually he would show his true colors again. But for a time, I let myself forget. Really, what I let myself do was pretend. To pretend life had not become horrible and unbearable. To pretend that our marriage was not only able to be saved, but worth saving. It felt good to think that way, even if only for awhile.
That's the thing with denial... you know it's not good for you, but it feels good to be there, deep in it, anway. You let the river carry away all your doubts and fears. The cooling waters soothe away the pain. The current keeps you afloat even though you were sure you were going to drown. You're not alone anymore because there are creatures all around you, floating along, riding out the waves at your side. You know that the creatures actually have sharp teeth and that in the end they will end up eating you alive... but it doesn't matter because at least you're not alone. So, you float along in the cool waters, your cares drifting away, holding hands with that croc and feeling like life is really ok. Until you look down and see that crocodile smile for what it really is. Then you brace yourself for the bite that's about to come...
