The past part 4: Barracuda

After months of "adding spice" to our marriage by doing a little late night fantasizing about "swinging" Hub and I had found ourselves planning to actually make it a reality. We thought a couple who could help that to happen had just sort of magically appeared in our life. One phone call had given us doubts about them. Later, an encounter at our favorite bar with the male half of the duo had turned the whole thing into a big no deal. At least that is what I had thought at the time.

The week after the male half of SS showed up at Flyers offering to become the three in threesome we headed back to our weekly hangout. The idea of running into him again was a little freaky, but we were not going to let it keep us from going to our favorite hangout. We didn't really think he would be trouble anyway, and besides, we had enough friends there that if he tried to cause any problems we had numbers on our side. Turned out we didn't need to worry about it at all anyway, he was not there.

He wasn't, but the female half of SS was.

Now, we had no idea what the real story with these two people actually was. She had referred to him as her husband, and he had stated they were divorced. Up until the week before we had always seen the two of them at the bar together, but that past week it had been just him. Now it was just her.

In my mind we had already written this couple off as being creepy and didn't want to have anything more to do with them than a passing hello. For me the idea of even talking to them was now taboo. They had given off a weird vibe, the guy had totally creeped us out, and to top it all off, everyone knew they were swingers. If I were to ever dive into that world I wanted it to be totally secret. Just being seen talking to them made me feel like our friends would think there was something going on. Our friend Jesse, the handsome and mischievous pilot, certainly caught on to the concept that something was up. I felt lucky that he thought it was just the SS coming on to us, and he thought that we had politely refused. I didn't want to risk anyone else figuring that much out, and I didn't want him figuring out there was more to the story.

Hub on the other hand, didn't seem to see anything wrong with the female half of SS walking up to us and striking up a conversation. Jesse must have been a fantastic pilot because the man had the eyes of an eagle. They saw everything and didn't miss any details. Hub and I were at the bar when female SS had walked up and started talking to us. While I had turned my attention to the bowl of pretzels, Hub had turned his attention to her. As I contemplated whether I should shove the pretzel in my hand down Hub's throat or the female SS's, Jesse snuck up on my other side.

He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "It appears the team has broken up and they're going it alone these days."
I stared at my pretzel and managed to mutter something like, "Mmmmhmmm".
"So, last week the creep was flying solo?"
"Yep."
"This week it's the barracuda flying solo," he whispered, emphasized with an elbow jab to my ribs.
He managed to get a half smile out of me, "it appears so."
"So I wonder then...." he paused waiting for me to look at him. Always that hunger for my full attention. He would not continue until I was once again looking into those pools of blue. When he had my attention he went on, "if Hub said no to him..." this time a pause for effect. "what do you suppose he will say to her?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. I just kept looking into his eyes wondering how he always managed to know exactly what I was thinking.
"He'll say yes," I said with certainty.
"Undoubtedly so," he said with a look of concern. Then he leaned in even closer and asked, "and what will you say Rocki? Will you tuck your tail between your legs and cower down? Are you going to blindly follow along with what Hub wants, or will you stick to your guns?"
It was like a slap in the face. How? How in the hell could this man possibly know what my life was like? Somehow he could see right through me and into my deepest thoughts and worries.
He asked again, "well Rocki? What will you say?"
That was it, I couldn't take it. I looked him in the eyes and whispered back, "Fuck you Jesse!"
He leaned back and that devilish smile of his spread across his face, "anytime you want to Rocki" and he got up and walked away.

I watched him walk back to the corner table where he sat and stared at me. I turned toward Hub and wondered how he could have missed all that. Then I realized that he was just as involved in his conversation with the barracuda as I had been with Jesse. We had both been too involved with someone else to notice what each other was doing or saying.

I tapped Hub on the shoulder and he turned to me. The barracuda looked down at her drink and stirred the ice with her fingernail. Hub said the words I knew he would, "she wants to know if we want to hook up with her tonight. I'm up for it if you are." I threw a quick glance toward Jesse who drew a question mark in the air with his finger. Once again daring me to answer the question, "what will you say Rocki?"

I looked at Hub with challenge in my eyes. I was challenging him to dare to argue with what I was about to say. "When it was just the 'husband' it was creepy and you wanted nothing to do with the whole thing, saying that there was something 'wrong' with these people. Now that it is the woman presenting the same opportunity you're suddenly ok with it? For some reason there is suddenly nothing wrong with them?"
"It seems less creepy to me, ya" he said.
"Well, it seems like a double standard to me," I hissed. "You think I should be ok with you bringing another woman into our bed, but you don't have to be ok with bringing another man in?"
"Fine! We won't do it," he barked. "I was just trying to find a way to make our fantasy happen.
"That is not our fantasy Hub! That is yours. I want no part of it."
"Whatever, let's just get out of here and go home then" was all he said. Then he got up and quickly headed for the door.

I sat for another minute or two and finished my drink before getting up myself. The barracuda had already slinked away to the other side of the bar while Hub and I had fought. As I got up from the bar stool and headed for the door I looked to the corner table where Jesse sat smiling. He raised his glass to me as if in a toast. I had a feeling he was going to be trouble, but at that moment he was my hero.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 3: Swinger Singers

It was the next Saturday and I was feeling apprehensive about going to Flyers. While it had been fun and exciting to talk about "hooking up" with another couple, the thought of making it a reality suddenly scared the hell out of me. Hub somehow convinced me that I was just nervous and that once we got there and we saw the Swinger Singers, that I would be excited about the idea again.

We arrived at Flyers and hung out with our usual little gang of friends in the corner. The excitement Hub had promised had not taken hold of me. I was enjoying just hanging out with Brent, Jake, Terry, and another pilot named Jesse. Secretly I was hoping like hell that the SS didn't show that night. Arriving fashionably late, SS sauntered in, dashing those hopes. Beside me I could feel Hub straighten up a little as he noticed their arrival and the excitement kicked in for him. For me, there was no excitement, only wonder at what I had agreed to.

Hub excused himself and went to the restroom which was only an excuse to leave the table without being too obvious. The SS were in the path to the restroom so he would have to walk right past them and it was a pretty sure thing they would stop him to talk. On his way back, that is exactly what they did. I tried to follow conversation at our table, but was sneaking glances at Hub and SS wishing I could read lips. About this time Jesse leaned over and whispered something in my ear, "looks like the SS are trying to recruit you guys to the lifestyle." On the inside I sort of froze up with this feeling like we had been caught at something. On the outside I managed a smile and a laugh like what he'd said was both funny and absurd. I turned my head Jesse's way and was met with laughing blue eyes. I suddenly forgot all about Hub and his conversation with the SS. My fake smile was replaced with a smile of genuine pleasure. Unlike Trent or Jake, there was no big brother or best friend vibe coming off of Jesse. He was more the movie version of the handsome pilot who smiled charming and breathed sexy. We talked, he flirted with me, I flirted with him, and all thoughts of Hub and the SS were gone.

My moment of flirtation with the handsome pilot didn't last long though. After a few minutes Hub was there whispering to me that he had SS phone number and we would call them later in the week to see if things might work out. Once again, I had a fake smile on my face.

Later that week Hub did call and talked with the female half of SS. He then gave me the phone and I talked with her a bit too before she put the male half on. We talked for a while. Something interesting came out in the phone call. It turned out that SS might not be the married couple of swingers everyone thought they were. According to him they had been married but were now divorced. They got together sometimes to hang out and took part in the swingers scene together. It gave me a creepy feeling about them, and any thoughts I had of actually going through with this were dwindling fast. The strangest part to me was that he had said they were divorced and yet she had called him her husband. Not sure if it was old habit, or if he was trying to pull something, but it didn't fit. Hub had gotten a similar vibe and felt like something was really off about them, but he still wasn't ready to give up on the idea of "hooking up" with them.

The next Saturday the male half of SS was at Flyers and he was flying solo. He managed to flag me down on a trip to the bar and talked to me for a bit. His "ex" wife was out somewhere else with a date and so he thought he would come to Flyers and see if Hub and I were interested in "going somewhere" with him. I told him I would talk to Hub and let him know. It was not the scenario we had always talked about during our late night fantasizing. Part of me was intrigued by the idea. It was the part that really did not like the idea of letting Hub be with another woman. At the same time, this guy gave me the creepy vibe and I really didn't trust that he and his wife were in fact divorced. I made my way back to Hub and managed to get him away from everyone else under the pretense of dancing so that we could talk without our friends overhearing. I told him what creepy SS had said and Hub was totally against the idea. I was relieved. At least at the time, I was.

Dancing during karaoke was a rare thing. It might not have been the best cover for the fact that I wanted a private conversation. Still, there was actually someone there that night with a decent voice who was singing songs worthy of dancing to. We weren't the only couple on the floor that night. Women were scarcer than usual in the bar that night though, so for the single guys there was not a wide selection of possible dance partners. As the next song started, Jesse swooped in pushing Hub aside and declaring it was his turn on the dance floor with me. He had one of those personalities that won everyone over, male and female alike. So Hub laughed, handed me over with a smile and said, "be my guest." He had other things to attend to anyway, such as telling creepy SS that nothing was going to happen. I was trying to watch for his reaction but Jesse was not one to accept anyone's attention being on someone other than him.
"You could hurt a man's feelings that way."
"What?" I asked, wondering once again if he could read my mind.
"You're dancing with me and you're still watching your husband. It breaks my heart a little."
He had me laughing and I couldn't help but to look at that handsome face and get caught up in his gorgeous blue eyes. "Sorry, you have my undivided attention now," and he did. We didn't say anything else as we continued our dance. As the song was ending Jesse nodded over to creepy SS and said, "I was right. He's trying to get you guys into the swinger thing."
Nothing was going to happen. It all felt like some weird nightmare. I figured there was no harm in admitting the guy's intentions, although I chose to leave our own intentions out of it. "Ya, he is."
"And?" Jesse asked.
I looked at him wide eyed and shook my head, "NO! Eww!"
He laughed and began walking me back toward our table. "Good. I'd hate to see you do that," he said. Then he looked at me with a mischievous look in those baby blues and said, "well, at least with that creep." He flashed his most charming smile and winked at me. We arrived at our table then and he grabbed my hand and moved it towards Hub's declaring, "I have returned your wife to you sir."
Everyone laughed, but I caught a quick glimpse at Jesse's face and mischief was very much still there.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 2: Flyers

the names used in this post, in the whole retelling of this tale, have all been changed in order to hide true identitities

I have mentioned before that Hub worked in professional sports. It got him certain benefits and perks in a lot of places. One such place is a bar that I will refer to as Flyers. That is, of course, not the real name, but it was located near the airport and was a favorite hangout for pilots and others in the airline industry so I think the name fits the place.

Flyers offered Hub free drinks and food. Having anyone associated with the team in the bar was good for business. Where the players and staff went, the fans followed. Hub and I didn't frequent Flyers much during the season though. It was off-season, when the fans were conveniently involved in watching a different sport and off stalking those players, that we chose to hang at Flyers. Over zealous, star struck fans were not our favorite people to spend time with, for what I think should be obvious reasons. So, it was in the off-season that we would spend most Saturday nights at Flyers.

In our time there we got to know a great deal of people. There was of course the Flyers staff who were wonderful people that took great care of us whenever we were there. Then there were the pilots. We had gotten to know a few of them pretty well. One of them, Brent, was an insanely funny guy who became a good friend of ours who we would actually hang out with outside of the bar. There was only one other person, Jake, that we had ever hung out with outside the bar, and he was an incredibly sweet man who became like a bit of an older brother figure for us. (he declared himself too young to be an uncle or father figure) Then there was Terry, who was also insanely funny, a loud and proud of it bisexual, and was at Flyers enough to be considered part of the decor. We never hung out with him, except at Flyers, but he was always part of our group when we were there. Some of the others were good drinking buddies, but not anyone we would hang out with anywhere else. Still, when we went to Flyers it was a bit like Norm walking into Cheers. People knew our names and were glad to see us there.

Then there was the karaoke crowd. Saturday nights were by far the most fun to be at Flyers and it was all due to the karaoke. I do not sing, and neither does Hub so that is not why we were there. No, it was the entertainment value that brought us in. It was not that the people were good, but rather the fact that they were so bad, that kept us coming back. We would sit in the back corner with our pilot buddies and trash talk the karaoke singers. It was how our little group had fun. That and jaeger bombs.

The karaoke crowd was almost always the same people. There was the occasional newbie, or random person who had just happened to wander in. Mostly though, it was the same people week after week, singing the same songs and putting their own "funk" on it. Some even had choreographed their own dance routines. That added to the entertainment value for our little group.

All the groups got to know each other. So there we would be, the Flyers regulars... the pilots, the karaoke people, and Hub and I all hanging out on Saturday nights. Nothing ever really seemed to change until one day when the couple I now refer to as the "swinger singers" came in.

The night they breezed in the door, most of us knew there was something different about them. I don't know what it was that raised our awareness about them, but everyone at our little table in the back felt it. Our group watched them all night, fascinated by them for reasons none of us understood at the time. They stayed for a couple of hours and then headed out the door with a wink and a wave in our direction as they left. The air in the room almost seemed to change and the night was suddenly just a regular Saturday night once more.

The SS couple became regulars at the bar themselves. They got to know everyone and mingled throughout the room. They were extremely flirtatious, and both of them were very good looking. He had a way of slipping in beside me at the table or at the bar and talking like he'd known me for years. She just screamed of sexuality and flirted with everyone, man and woman alike.

One Saturday they didn't show up and that made them the topic of conversation for our little group. Terry was the first to say out loud what we'd all been thinking, "they're swingers!" and went on to list the many reasons he knew it to be true. We had all seen the signs and felt the same way. It was Terry and Brent though, who had actually witnessed them leaving the bar with another woman one night and had been dying to tell us all for a couple of weeks.

That night after we had gone home Hub did exactly what I had expected. He declared that people who would be up for what we had been fantasizing about for the past few months had just "naturally" appeared in our lives. Still feeling the excitement of a night out, and the effects of a couple jaeger bombs, I agreed with him. Our fantasy talking that night evolved into planning a conversation with the Swinger Singers.


Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 1: compromising

This is a story I have meant to get out and put into words on this blog for two years now. Something triggered (not the bad "triggering" for those who speak the codie language) the memory of it all last night, and I felt it was time. I debated today whether or not to write it though. I thought of how there are actually people reading this blog now and it very nearly stopped me. But the fact is, I created this blog for me. If someone reads this and decided to look down upon me, or thinks badly of me so be it. I am who I am, and I have lived the life I have lived. This blog has never been a shiny happy place meant to entertain the masses. It is all about me facing the demons of my past, present, and future so that I may deal with them. So if someone is offended by what they read here and decide to never again read this blog, that is their decision to make in life and their path to follow. This is the story of my life, of my fall to rock bottom, and my slow painful climb back up. That climb will never happen if I do not take a look back down every now and then and remember I need to keep pulling myself up.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have also done things that others would view as something I should be ashamed of, and yet I am not.

Life became this confusing, twisting spiral effect. Up and down, and round and round. I would swing down, just to dip back up a bit, before swinging back down once again. Each dip and rise spun me round, creating this dizzying sense of confusion. I never quit knew where I was or what direction I should be moving in.

Is that an excuse for doing things out of the norm? Blame it on confusion, or the lack of direction I had in life. Maybe it is. I don't know, I just know that it was the way my life moved for a few years.

There was a time, a couple of years after discovering Hub's secrets that I was desperate to win back his full attention. I wanted to be what he desired. The only thing he desired. It was a twisted way of thinking. I know now that it never had anything to do with me. It was all him. But the fact was that when we met he made me feel more desirable and sexy than anyone ever had. I missed that feeling, and struggled to find a way to recapture it.

It was during this time that I began to compromise. It came in many forms and through a variety of decisions. One of these was a compromise of both my beliefs and values, and the vows of marriage. We began to discuss the option of.... well, I guess most people would refer to it as a swinger lifestyle. I did not see it that way. I had no intention of letting it become a lifestyle. To me it was, at first, simply bedroom talk that seemed to get us both aroused. The talk appeared to have the right effect because I once again felt desirable and sexy. I managed to shut out the fact that it was talk of adding in someone else that raised that desire in Hub for me. It was, after all, for me.

What started as simple fantasy and talk seemed to become more real. It evolved in to what I guess would be considered planning. Where would we go? How could we meet someone who was willing to take part? What signal could we do to indicate we both felt that this person or people were "ok" for us.

My first indication that something was wrong with all this was when Hub had answers for some of those questions. He knew where and how to go about finding people who were into such things. He knew of listings in certain publications and websites were such people found each other. I can still feel that sensation of my heart dropping into my stomach and landing with a dull thud. That feeling of it being lodged there, irritating my stomach and causing it to roll and rumble. He knew those things for a reason, and it was a reason that I did not like but was refusing at the time to acknowledge. This was our fantasy, not something sick and twisted of his own.

I flatly refused the idea of searching such places. The people who would get involved in the "lifestyle" and who would place or respond to those ads were not our kind of people. Those were the sickos. The over the top crazies, not like us at all. No, we were just a couple looking to add just a little fun and excitement to our marriage. Just trying to bring back that spark. It was not our life. I was delusional about it all.

I decreed that it must be something that would happen naturally. Naturally? I cannot believe that I ever expressed such an idea. The entire concept was unnatural. How then could it possibly ever occur naturally?

I held to my belief that it could happen that way and that one day, if it did, then we would act upon it.

And then, one day came.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

you either have to trust someone or not

I received a comment on yesterday's post from Vicki. She said, "I think you either have to trust someone or not." I am not about to belittle your comment Vicki, not at all. I am thanking you for it because it made me stop and really think about it. Is it that simple? Do you either have to trust or not trust? I used to think so. I hope for you, and for most women out there, that it is indeed that simple. It should be! I used to think it was.


Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.

At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sex chat with strange women.

Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.

The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?

Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?

Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?

I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?

My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.

There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.

There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.

I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.

I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.

Questions without answers

warning: this post is rated NC-17, or at least a strong R. If you don't want to read some of the details of Hub's sex addiction antics, stop reading now.

Hub is out of town for a few weeks for work. This is what led me to my worry about him "acting out". (i really need a better term than that one) There is just something about the combination of Hub and a hotel that I just don't like.

I should say that I have never had any sort of proof that his SA has gone beyond porn, internet chat rooms, private online chats, and phone calls. No proof, but serious reason to believe it has anyway. Whatever.... my point is that mostly I only have to worry about him doing stupid shit on the internet or the phone. When he is home, at least I know where he is even if I don't know exactly what he is doing. For the most part anyway.


When he is out of town for work, I have no way of knowing where he is or what he is doing. The worst of my concerns comes in the form of the hotel bar. You see, I do know from past experiences that Hubs greatest fantasies revolve around meeting strange women and having wild and rough sex with them. His phone calls and chats all involve different scenarios like that. His #1 place for these fantasies to take place is a hotel bar! He has even asked me to role-play those types of encounters with him before. Yes, I have done so. At first I thought it was fun and exciting, then I thought it was lame and stupid, and finally I thought it was sick and twisted, but most of all it just felt insulting. But, I am getting off the point again. so....
My concern is that Hub will be spending his nights in the hotel bar looking to play out those fantasies of his for real.

I haven't had to worry about this happening for a very long time. But, Hub is once again working in sports. While we needed the money, I am not happy about it at all. I hate when he is on the road. It is like poison for our marriage. And, quite frankly, the money isn't even that great because he is working in a very minor league. Nothing like what he earned before and certainly not enough to get us out of the hole we are in. So why? Why even put our marriage through this for so little? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it is a test for both of us. Can we handle it? Can he be put in the path of temptation and resist? Can I deal with not knowing and still find a way to trust?

I am all questions and no answers these days.

Moments

There are times I wonder how I ended up with this life. Those times can last days, weeks or even months.

Then there are moments that I am reminded why I made the choices I did. While they last considerably shorter than those bad times, they make a much bigger impact. A few minutes of heartfelt, honest conversation heal my soul. A brief moment of tenderness restores my belief. Blue eyes filled with love and emotion make my heart skip a beat.

The man I love is in there. And those moments when I see him shining through are precious if few.

The Cup of Cappuccino

It's amazing how one little event can take what was promising to be a pretty good day and make it total shit. I had such a day this past week.

Dot and Sonny went to visit their dad for a couple of days after being home for two straight weeks, which with two teenager can feel like two years. Two years of constantly bored, constantly hungry, picking on each other, whiny, bossy, bitchy torture.

Hub and I were getting along amazingly well, actually speaking to each other rather than quietly passing each other by. We even made plans to go out to dinner.

Even more amazing is the fact that it was nearly 4pm and Tot had been meltdown free and well behaved. Yes, it was a good day. Until...

I was standing in the middle of the living room when I noticed the cappuccino cup. It had started off that morning as mine. Hub had gone to get himself a coffee and for some reason I asked him to pick me up a cappuccino. This is not something I would normally drink in the middle of August with temperatures in the hundreds everyday. And yet, I asked for one. I drank about half of it, truly enjoy the deliciousness, before I began to pool with sweat and gave it up. I offered the remainder to Dot who accepted it, took a few swallows and then left the rest behind as she headed out the door to go to her father's.

Now, here I was, staring at the cup of cappuccino sitting on the corner of Tot's little table. A table meant for snack time, coloring and building blocks. Not a table meant to be a place for people to set drinks of any kind. At the moment my eyes fell upon that cup I knew, I knew, it was going to spill. Sure enough, not a second had passed by after having that thought when I saw Tot was not more than a foot from the table. I managed to get the word, "Don't...." out before it happened.

Tot swung his blanket, his trusty friend who never leaves his side, in the air like a lasso. Then blanket, that little blue thorn in my side, whipped out and knocked the cup of cappaccino off the table. It wasn't enough that it spilled though. Oh no! It had to land directly on the laptop which had been tucked away between the table and the couch. It didn't just land on the computer though. Of course it didn't. It landed in such a way that the opening in the lid was now pouring directly into the air vents on the back of the laptop. It didn't matter that I reacted with lightening speed and dashed across the room faster than Superman could have, I still wasn't quick enough. Kharma had landed that cup in that exact position to pour out the cappuccino in a steady stream, in exactly the right spot on the laptop to do the most damage. And it all happened in about 4.2 seconds.

The computer was fried.
But it wasn't our computer.
No. Our computer was in the shop being repaired.
This was the loaner computer.

We were now faced with not only having to pay for the repairs on our own computer, but having to pay for the loaner computer as well.

Hub and I getting along amazingly well? The two of us actually talking to each other? That stopped realy quick. Right after I asked the question, "do you ever feel like you're cursed?" and he answered with "every day of my life". Ya, that will put a halt on the conversation. I mean, how do you respond to that? "Thanks honey. Life with you is one big freaking curse too."

That dinner we had planned? That sure as hell didn't happen.

caught

I went to bed early last night because I needed to be up early this morning. Hub had worked late so he stayed up for a couple more hours, saying he needed to eat and wind down.

When I turned on the computer this morning I clicked the little star up in the corner. You know, the one that leads to favorites, links and history? I keep it on favorites because that's my shortcut to my daily sites. This morning when I clicked it, there was the history showing instead of favorites. That is a sure sign that Hub did something he shouldn't have on the computer after I went to bed. He will always go into the history to erase it, trying to hide whatever sites he was on. Leaving it on history is kind of a rookie mistake. One that he actually knows will get his ass caught. So now I am left to wonder if he was hoping to get caught. If so.... why?

where am i?

Marriage has given way to more of a partnership in parenthood. That is where I am. Where we are. We co-exist in co-dependency. Somehow it fits and makes a weird sort of sense right now.

Are we in recovery? No. At least not formally. Neither of us is in that place. I think I'm closer to it than Hub is, but I'm still not quite there.

Is everything wonderful? Of course not, but I can look at Hub and not want to push him in front of a bus. That's progress.

He hasn't acted out since returning from our separation. I am not delusional enough to think he never will again, but again... it's progress.

Life is not how I envisioned it would be. And yet, I am in a place of accepetance of all this.

The return of Hub

The trial separation is ending. Hub is going to come back home. I honestly don't give a crap one way or another about the marriage. I need him here though. Not for me, but for Tot. I can't do the single parent thing. Not with this kid. He is too high maintenance. I just can't raise him alone. I feel like a bad mom so many times because I just get frustrated with him and end up yelling at him to shut up and go away and leave me alone. I hate that I do that and I try not to. But until you've dealt with a kid like him.... you just don't know how hard it is. Nothing ever sinks in. He doesn't learn from his mistakes and doesn't seem to be able to determine right from wrong. I guess he truly is his father's son.

My depression continues. I just want to escape it all for a little while. I'd love a vacation where I could be totally alone. Maybe not totally alone..... just without the family. Of course then I would be alone because I have no friends. Depressing!

Separation

We are on a trial separation. It was time to send the message that I am seriously thinking of bringing things to an end. There must be an end here! The question is....
will I end the marriage?
or
will he end all the stupid SA crap he is doing?

Time, and separation, will tell.

Sitting in Silence

I sit in silence, watching an old black and white film. It has something to do with alcoholism. Funny, I think, that such a topic was featured in a film so old. Not sure why it had never occurred to me that this is a problem that has been around for so, so long. Or at least I never realized it was recognized so long ago.

It is nearing 4am and still I sit and watch the film. I should be sleeping. I know that. Instead I sit and watch a film about one kind of addiction while my life unravels due to another. It's the reason I am awake. The reason I sit alone in the dark watching old movies on TV. Once more shunned by the man who should want me. The man I should not want and yet I do.

The evening started with such high hopes on my part. A few hours to ourselves. Sitting together on the couch, holding each other close. Then time to retreat to the bedroom. Everything had pointed to an intimate evening. Instead he talks about anything he can think of. Anything but us. Anything but what should very naturally be happening.

I lay there getting angry. I don't want to talk about the children. Not about work. Not about any of these stupid things he mentions. I truly do not want to talk at all.

Finally I am fed up with it all and call him out. Why? Why are you talking about these things? Why are you not touching me? Trying to be with me? Why? No answer. Only silence. We lay in silence and time ticks by. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. It's enough. I get up, taking my pillow and blanket with me I retreat to the couch.

I sit in silence and watch an old black and white film about one kind of addiction while in my mind I think of how another has ruined my marriage.

i want out

I want out!

I don't love him anymore. I don't even like him. Actually, I stopped liking him long before I stopped loving him, I think.

I have no desire to spend any time with him at all.

I don't like to talk to him. We have nothing to converse about except the kids. You can only talk about your children for so long. And really, who wants to only talk about their children? I want to have a real adult conversation with a real adult.

I took a break from him and spent time with my parents. I didn't mis him. Not at all! I didn't look forward to coming home because he was here. I sort of missed being in my own house, but the fact that was in it made it seem much less desirable.

There is just nothing left.

I don't like him!
I don't like his personality.
I don't like his sense of humor.
I don't like his habits.
I don't like the way he looks.
I don't like the way he acts.
I don't like the way he talks.
I just don't like him anymore. Not at all!

There is nothing left.

I want out!

We were in public today and for the first time ever I was incredibly embarassed to be seen with him. I couldn't stand the fact that people could see us together and know that we were together. I hated it! Then, just before we left he wanted to kiss me goodbye. Yuck! I don't even like to do that at home anymore. I really didn't want to do it in front of other people. If no one figured out we were together before that, then the kiss would tell them for sure. I hated that people would know I was with him. In my mind he is simply gross and disgusting now. That is how I see him. That is how I feel about him.

He makes my stomach churn.

I don't want to be with him anymore!!!

I don't like him!

I want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how. That's the problem. I have to figure this out. I have to find a way, because...
I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

relationships

There are times when I have a strong desire to simply curl up into myself. To simply get lost in the deepest parts of my mind. My imagination. To pretend... no! to convince myself that life is what I truly desire it to be.

I lose myself in the dream of the nearly perfect life. Money is no issue there. And love...
Love is real. It is a wonderful mix of attraction, desire, passion, emotion, commitment, loyalty and respect. The fantasy of love. The kind that stories and movies all made us think was real when we were children growing up. Love that does not fade. Does not diminish over time. Love that stays as true and strong as it was from day one.

There is a reason the love you read of in stories or see in movies seems so perfect. It is the beginning. The story rarely follows the lovers down the long, hard road of life and time. If it did then we would see that love is not perfect. It isn't some dream come true that will make us happy and fulfilled for the rest of our lives. Love is a fantasy. A creation of our own minds.

Relationships are nothing to do with love. Not really. No, they are much more complex than that. Relationships are work and compromise. They involve sacrifice, empathy, and often forgiveness. There are good points and bad in relationships.

I have come to believe that a relationship is the true test of who we really are. When things get hard... will you quit? or will you work harder? will you run away? or will you stay and fight? will you forgive? or will you hold a grudge? will you compromise? or will you refuse to budge? will you face things head on? or will you curl up inside yourself?

What kind of person are you really??? Only our actions and reactions will tell.

One Special Moment

He held me close. I could feel his arms around me pulling me tighter, closer in to his warmth. I felt his hand, hard and calloused rubbing my back. Soothing cirlces of contact swirling across my skin. The stubble on his cheek scraped along my cheek, my temple, my forehead as he lifted his head to kiss me gently on my hair. I burrowed my face into his neck breathing in the old, familiar scent. "I miss you" I whispered. "I miss you too," he answered back as he held me even closer.

For a small while at least, Hub and I shared something special. A few moments of forgetting the past and letting go of the pain. We held on closely knowing it wouldn't last for long. But still, we held on.

The Walls

I am building up walls around me. Every part of me. There are walls around my heart now. Walls I will not let my husband through. He's done too much damage to my heart, and I can't risk letting him through the walls. I don't think my heart could handle any more of his damaging behaviours.

At night in bed I build walls around my body. Real walls. I lay as close to the wall as possible, as far from my husband as I can get. Between us I place a body pillow and a blanket. My own wall of protection. My wall that lets him know not to touch me. The wall doesn't matter though. He wouldn't try to touch me anyway. It's just my way of saying "don't". He'd rather touch himself, touch his computer than touch me.

So, the walls go up. Up around me and around my heart. The walls are getting bigger. Soon, I don't think anything will get through. Not even civil conversation.

How I wish there were no need for the walls.