The Past part 1: compromising

This is a story I have meant to get out and put into words on this blog for two years now. Something triggered (not the bad "triggering" for those who speak the codie language) the memory of it all last night, and I felt it was time. I debated today whether or not to write it though. I thought of how there are actually people reading this blog now and it very nearly stopped me. But the fact is, I created this blog for me. If someone reads this and decided to look down upon me, or thinks badly of me so be it. I am who I am, and I have lived the life I have lived. This blog has never been a shiny happy place meant to entertain the masses. It is all about me facing the demons of my past, present, and future so that I may deal with them. So if someone is offended by what they read here and decide to never again read this blog, that is their decision to make in life and their path to follow. This is the story of my life, of my fall to rock bottom, and my slow painful climb back up. That climb will never happen if I do not take a look back down every now and then and remember I need to keep pulling myself up.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have also done things that others would view as something I should be ashamed of, and yet I am not.

Life became this confusing, twisting spiral effect. Up and down, and round and round. I would swing down, just to dip back up a bit, before swinging back down once again. Each dip and rise spun me round, creating this dizzying sense of confusion. I never quit knew where I was or what direction I should be moving in.

Is that an excuse for doing things out of the norm? Blame it on confusion, or the lack of direction I had in life. Maybe it is. I don't know, I just know that it was the way my life moved for a few years.

There was a time, a couple of years after discovering Hub's secrets that I was desperate to win back his full attention. I wanted to be what he desired. The only thing he desired. It was a twisted way of thinking. I know now that it never had anything to do with me. It was all him. But the fact was that when we met he made me feel more desirable and sexy than anyone ever had. I missed that feeling, and struggled to find a way to recapture it.

It was during this time that I began to compromise. It came in many forms and through a variety of decisions. One of these was a compromise of both my beliefs and values, and the vows of marriage. We began to discuss the option of.... well, I guess most people would refer to it as a swinger lifestyle. I did not see it that way. I had no intention of letting it become a lifestyle. To me it was, at first, simply bedroom talk that seemed to get us both aroused. The talk appeared to have the right effect because I once again felt desirable and sexy. I managed to shut out the fact that it was talk of adding in someone else that raised that desire in Hub for me. It was, after all, for me.

What started as simple fantasy and talk seemed to become more real. It evolved in to what I guess would be considered planning. Where would we go? How could we meet someone who was willing to take part? What signal could we do to indicate we both felt that this person or people were "ok" for us.

My first indication that something was wrong with all this was when Hub had answers for some of those questions. He knew where and how to go about finding people who were into such things. He knew of listings in certain publications and websites were such people found each other. I can still feel that sensation of my heart dropping into my stomach and landing with a dull thud. That feeling of it being lodged there, irritating my stomach and causing it to roll and rumble. He knew those things for a reason, and it was a reason that I did not like but was refusing at the time to acknowledge. This was our fantasy, not something sick and twisted of his own.

I flatly refused the idea of searching such places. The people who would get involved in the "lifestyle" and who would place or respond to those ads were not our kind of people. Those were the sickos. The over the top crazies, not like us at all. No, we were just a couple looking to add just a little fun and excitement to our marriage. Just trying to bring back that spark. It was not our life. I was delusional about it all.

I decreed that it must be something that would happen naturally. Naturally? I cannot believe that I ever expressed such an idea. The entire concept was unnatural. How then could it possibly ever occur naturally?

I held to my belief that it could happen that way and that one day, if it did, then we would act upon it.

And then, one day came.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.