My overtired eyes have been staring at the computer screen for around three hours now. I have begun week nine of my first two college courses. It is the final week of class and I will be taking finals on Friday. Today, I sit here in this overtired state of existence studying and reviewing nine weeks of information. Surprisingly, I am not overwhelmed. Perhaps I am in denial. Ha! What a familiar concept that is. Denial or just confidence in my ability to do well, I will take this feeling of calm. Or perhaps it is just that I am too tired to worry and stress. Tomorrow may be different and certainly by Friday I will feel the effects. For now though, peace.
I should have gotten more sleep last night. Instead I opted to stay up late visiting with an old friend. I have so few friends in this world. I view each of them as a real gift. A true friend is a little bit of a miracle I think. I wish I had someone that I was really close with, but sadly none of my friends fit that category. Last night I visited with the friend I am closest too, and even with them there is a distance. We see each other so seldom. It was not always that way, but there are unwritten rules of society that always seem to get in the way. This friend is a man. While we have known each other for nearly twenty years, and have remained simply good friends through all those years, the unwritten rules still get in the way. Hub has no objections to our friendship. Really, he has no right to have a say. Not in my mind. Not anymore. But even when he did, there was no objection. His faith and trust in my has always been solid. I have given no reason for it to be otherwise. There was a time though, when I was married to the evil ex that there was objection. He was extremely jealous and did not like that I had male friends. He pushed and fought and made an ass of himself. He isolated all the friends I had at that point in my life, even the females. They all chose to avoid me in order to be able to avoid him. Only this one friend remained after that eight years in hell. A true friend. He has proudly been in both of my weddings. He has witnessed my joy, heard my sorrows, and held me up in rough times.
Now the tables have turned and it is he who is in a relationship with someone who is jealous and demands total attention. A woman who can not tolerate his friendship with me. So, it is rare occasions that we see each other. A quick afternoon coffee in January, a late night movie in March, and a short visit in my home last night. We sit and talk and catch up on what has happened in the months that have slipped by. We talk and laugh as though it has been only days since we last saw each other. Two friends who are forced to sneak around like lovers having an illicit affair. Such a shame. I have seen him walk away from an eight year relationship after being confronted with an ultimatum, find his dream job, survive a heart attack, and lose his mother. He has seen me party on my 21st birthday, have children, fight my way out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and struggle with Hub's addictions.
Should we not have earned the right to declare "we are friends. I will visit my friend if I choose" and to do exactly that? But, oh those strange unwritten rules of society that declare otherwise. Men and women cannot be friends, it says. My friend and I say otherwise.
Still, the sneaking around and hiding. I hate feeling like I am doing something wrong when I am not. I am not the other woman. We are not doing anything more than talking, laughing, sharing events of our lives. Such a shame that we must behave as though we are.
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