the truth in his own mind

I've noticed Hubs lies are increasing. Not the ones that involve the SA. It's the little ones. The ones where he just makes crap up and tries to pass it for truth.

He's always done this. I didn't know that at first. It took me about a year to catch on to it. I am not sure why he does it. He'll make something completely up and tell people it happened. One of the first lies I ever caught onto was when he'd told someone how much he made and it was way more than he actually did make. I didn't think much of it because I think there are a lot of people who do that. Then I noticed he would tell people about a conversation he'd had and he would tell them he said things he didn't actually say. Or he would tell a story about his past and then I would find out later it never actually happened.

The big one, the one that finally made me realize that he has some sort of problem was the one about dyslexia. He had told me and a few other people he was dyslexic. I believed him but then over time I saw him read and write with no trouble at all. I know people can overcome dyslexia, but not to the point that he would have had to overcome it. He reads and writes perfectly. I've made the comment to him that he sure did manage to overcome it well. I've said it in a sarcastic tone that made it obvious I didn't believe him, but he holds to the story.

The next really big one I came across was his divorce. He was married before and the story he told me of how, when and why he got divorced does not hold up with what I have learned since. He completely lied about it all. I won't get into the details much, but the truth doesn't make him look good. I would have been surprised by that years ago. Now it doesn't surprise me at all though. He is a jerk and a creep. Proven fact.

There were times he would tell me about a conversation he had at work. The things that he claims to have said I know had to be total crap. There are things he claims to have told bosses that would have gotten him fired. Without a doubt. Things that there are no way anyone could say to a boss and not get fired.

Lately though, it has gotten worse. He was telling me that he'd said something to someone just a few weeks ago. I was there at the time. I was standing right next to him. He did NOT say the things he is claiming to have said. That's pretty typical. But this is the first time that I was actually right there where I heard everything said. He has to know that I know damn well he didn't say what he is claiming. I was right next to him! I even told him a couple days ago that I didn't hear him say that and I was right next to him at the time. His answer to that? "well, i don't know why you didn't hear it. you should have. you were right there. maybe it was because i was turned away from you when i said it". What? Are you kidding me? I was right next to him. Even if his head was on backwards I would have heard what he was saying. He did not say the things he claims.

This is new for me. This whole thing of sticking to a lie that I know for sure is a lie since I was there. He knows that I am aware it's a lie. That I know it's a lie. So why stick to it? Why? What is the big deal? I believe he thinks that what he's claiming to have said makes him seem tough and cool. It actually makes him seem like an asshole. If he'd actually said what he is claiming it would have been embarrassing and rude. And it would have been said in front of my entire family which would have made it worse. I am actually glad he didn't say it. So why lie and say he did???

I don't think he has a real grasp on reality anymore. I don't think he can tell the difference between fantasy and the truth anymore. I believe his lies have become truth in his mind. They say if you tell a lie enough times you start to believe it yourself. I believe that has happened with Hub. The lies aren't lies to him, they are facts in his own mind.

I don't think it's healthy for me to be around him much longer.

i want out

I want out!

I don't love him anymore. I don't even like him. Actually, I stopped liking him long before I stopped loving him, I think.

I have no desire to spend any time with him at all.

I don't like to talk to him. We have nothing to converse about except the kids. You can only talk about your children for so long. And really, who wants to only talk about their children? I want to have a real adult conversation with a real adult.

I took a break from him and spent time with my parents. I didn't mis him. Not at all! I didn't look forward to coming home because he was here. I sort of missed being in my own house, but the fact that was in it made it seem much less desirable.

There is just nothing left.

I don't like him!
I don't like his personality.
I don't like his sense of humor.
I don't like his habits.
I don't like the way he looks.
I don't like the way he acts.
I don't like the way he talks.
I just don't like him anymore. Not at all!

There is nothing left.

I want out!

We were in public today and for the first time ever I was incredibly embarassed to be seen with him. I couldn't stand the fact that people could see us together and know that we were together. I hated it! Then, just before we left he wanted to kiss me goodbye. Yuck! I don't even like to do that at home anymore. I really didn't want to do it in front of other people. If no one figured out we were together before that, then the kiss would tell them for sure. I hated that people would know I was with him. In my mind he is simply gross and disgusting now. That is how I see him. That is how I feel about him.

He makes my stomach churn.

I don't want to be with him anymore!!!

I don't like him!

I want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how. That's the problem. I have to figure this out. I have to find a way, because...
I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!