you either have to trust someone or not

I received a comment on yesterday's post from Vicki. She said, "I think you either have to trust someone or not." I am not about to belittle your comment Vicki, not at all. I am thanking you for it because it made me stop and really think about it. Is it that simple? Do you either have to trust or not trust? I used to think so. I hope for you, and for most women out there, that it is indeed that simple. It should be! I used to think it was.


Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.

At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sex chat with strange women.

Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.

The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?

Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?

Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?

I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?

My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.

There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.

There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.

I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.

I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.