Lost

Life has been insanely busy. It is my own fault. Tired of never having anything to do or anywhere to be I went a bit overboard in trying to remedy the problem.

As I mentioned, I started college courses online. Time consuming, but going well. The online school works like this: I take 2 courses at a time for 9 weeks. Then I jump right into another 2 courses for 9 more weeks. If all goes well, I earn my associates degree in around 18 months rather than 2 years. So far things are indeed going well. Just had midterms for my first 2 classes. I missed only 2 answers on one test and only 1 on the other. Big boost for my self-confidence! I was stressed out over the idea of taking a test for the first time in twenty years and spent way more time than was really necessary studying for those tests. Last week was spent in a haze of studying and keeping up with my family and household. Ok, truth be told I didn't keep up with the housework. This place is an absolute mess! I thought I would get around to cleaning today, but I have come down with something and have zero energy for cleaning.

It is going to be a frozen dinner kind of night around here tonight! The dishes are all dirty and there really isn't anything to cook anyway. I haven't had a chance to shop for groceries either. Nobody wants my germs in their food anyway.

In my quest to find myself something to do other than sit around the house feeling depressed I volunteered to work in the Sunday school at church, signed up for a book club, joined a mom's group, and joined a women's bible study group. Ya! All that on top of college courses and everyday responsibilities. It is too much. I've dropped the book club. I actually want to drop the Sunday school thing too. I feel like I really can't though. They were so in need of help and were really grateful that I volunteered. I feel a bit stuck with it. It wouldn't be bad except that some of the other volunteers really ticked me off this past Sunday. That is a story (and a post) all to itself though.

I no longer feel as though I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Instead I feel burdened by the fact that I have something/somewhere too often. It is a double edged sword. I hate being bored and feeling like I have nothing, but I also hate feeling obligated to be somewhere at a certain time. I am a last minute plans kinda gal. I'm also known to change my mind and back out of something at the last minute just because I don't feel like it at that exact moment.

So right now I am wishing I could just lay in bed and rest since I feel so cruddy. Headache, sore throat, no energy, muscle aches. I thought I was having allergy issues since it all started with watery eyes and sinus issues, but it has evolved into something worse. Hub is not here and the older kids are at school and both have things going on tonight, so it is just me here with Tot, so crawling into bed and sleeping the illness away is not an option.

I know the stress I was feeling last week has contributed to me being sick. Stress weakens the immune system and makes you more prone to illness. I was seriously stressed out last week! Not just the stress of school but also financial issues. The tests are over, but the financial problems are just snowballing! What is that old saying? something about borrowing from Peter to payback Paul? That is the place we're in right now. Debt just keeps piling up because we've had to borrow money to pay bills and now the bills are due again and we still owe the money to the people we borrowed from. So, I am dealing with high stress and illness and the two just build off of each other.

I am struggling to find joy in my life right now. I'm happy with my family right now and there is joy in that. The kids are all doing well and Hub has been good and helpful in various ways. I just can't find the joy within myself.

I had really been finding myself again through some creative writing but I haven't had time for that at all either. So now I am lost again. This time I am lost under a pile of responsibilities and obligations rather than in a sea of despair. I guess that is improvement, but I still hate feeling so lost.