Mind numbing pain screams through my brain. I know I should look away from the screen. There is no point or reason for me to continue to stare. Nothing there is worthwhile. It is an escape. Nothing more. A way to avoid reality. I simply do not want to face the fact that I am stuck, once again, at home on a beautiful Saturday.
Why does it seem that the day is a waste if we have nowhere to go and nothing to do outside our home?
Why can I not be happy playing a board game or making crafts?
Why do I feel like a loser with no life if I am stuck at home, jusy myself and Tot?
The throbbing in my head builds. It pulses behind my eye. An indication that I have stared at this computer screen for far too long. I know the headache is caused from the hours I have sat staring at this stupid screen. Staring at nothing important. Constantly checking email that contains nothing new. Frequent checks of social networks that only increase my depression. Status updates and photos of so-called friends going to wonderful places and doing cool things. All while I am stuck here at home, doing nothing.
Nothing but ignoring my child.
Avoiding doing things that might actually be enjoyable and not a huge waste of my time.
Why do I continue to sit and stare at this screen?
Why don't I do something with my poor ignored child?
Why?
Because maybe then I might actually feel a bit of joy or happiness. Why would I want that when it suits me so well to sit and wallow in depression and self-loathing?
My head hurts physically, but the pain inside is worse.
It is not a good day in my head.
2 comments:
I've had a lot of days like this too. You are not alone. please know this much. Its depression sweetie. Be gentle with yourself. And just know this... A lot of those people out there that "seem" to be having all of that "fun" are more miserable than you can even begin to imagine. Just because it looks perfect doesn't mean its so.
Recently I did something that helped me. I committed myself to do a show for my business that head a "deadline". (appropriate word, now isn't it?) Having a finite time to complete this project gave me a firm unmovable goal and also a feeling that I had accomplished something and it also renewed my creative juices. You can see the fruits of my labor on my blog. I also said to myself if certain things didn't get done, that was okay too. In the end, I did do everything that I had set out to do and felt a sense of accomplishment that often eludes me.
I know its tough sweetie... and I'm not in your shoes but I've had so many black days, too.
Now, I have to clean up all of the mess... :( That could take 6 months! haha!!!
xo
Sounds pretty much like my life
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