I am feeling very depressed lately. Not clinical depression. Not the stuff that can be fixed with medication. Maybe it can be disguised with meds, but not fixed. I've considered the meds. It won't do me any good though. Not really. It might make me feel better. Might. It won't cure me of the depression. That's what I really want. What I need. Cured.
Masking the problems is a quick fix. One I don't want. I just want the crap in my life that is making me depressed to go away. Pills won't do that.
Sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Sometimes it's just a condition of life. That is what mine is. Sometimes your life just sucks so bad that it gets you down. Really down. That's where I am at right now. Life sucks.
I'd stay in bed all day if it were an option. Sleeping is good. When I am asleep I don't have to face the harsh realities of life. I don't have to think about the bills that aren't getting paid. I don't have to think about the fact that I don't have money to buy the kids clothes and shoes for school. I don't even have the money to buy them school supplies like paper and pens and pencils. When I am sleeping I don't have to worry that the car will be repo'd or that the electricity will be shut off.
It's not all financial worries. There is still the crap with Hub. I've been doing a good job of burying my head in the sand and not thinking about his SA. Sometimes something will happen that triggers me and I get into the freak out mode over it all. Mostly though I just avoid it all. Try not to think about it and pretend it doesn't exist. It's getting easier to do. That's probably not a good thing though. That gets me depressed too. Thinking about how my marriage has become such a farce that I don't even care what Hub does or doesn't do anymore. I should care, but I don't. That is depressing.
I have been spending a good deal of time hiding from real life lately. The internet is a great tool for that. Why face real life when you can get lost in a false life online? (sigh) That's depressing too. Playing stupid games on the internet to escape reality? That's sad and pathetic. It's depressing.
Life is just.... depressing!
1 comment:
Hey Rocki, I'm sorry you're feeling depressed lately. It sounds like you've got a lot of really hard stuff you're dealing with right now that's just piling up. Do you have an S-Anon or COSA meeting near you that you could attend? It might feel good to get out and be with other people who know what you're going through and could offer some company and friendship.
Big hugs to you, Rocki! I'll pray that things start looking up for you soon.
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