Why must I change the parts of my life that I love in order to change the parts that I hate?
I love staying home with Tot. I love that I am the one who wakes him in the morning. I am the one who feeds him breakfast and gets him dressed. I am the one who plays with him, teaches him, nurtures him. I am the one that cares for him all day long. I love to be the number one person in his life. The one he counts on for nearly everything. The one who will teach him to become a good person, a loving person, a caring person, a person who is reliable and honest.
I love having time to spend with Dot and Sonny in the summers. I love being able to take them to the pool or the park. To a museum or a picnic. I love that during the school year I am here when they leave in the mornings and here when they come home in the afternoons. I love that I do not have to worry about where they are or who they are with.
I hate the lies and deceptions that Hub has continually forced upon me. I hate that in order to be free of them I have to give up what I love most in life. I hate that I have to find a job and go to work in order for both he and I to know that I could leave him. I hate that I have to trust my children to strangers in order to do this.
1 comment:
Oh, Love, I'm sorry you hurt.
I'm an SAHM, too, and I've been down the road of Where Is the Emergency EXIT!!! in case Bowser goes all Runaway Addict and I need to take the boys and go.
We've resolved it two ways. One: his folks support the boundaries to which Bowser and I have agreed re: Runaway Addict behavior and they will take me and the boys or the boys... whatever as long as needed. Two: we have set aside 3 months worth of living expenses that are my starter kit for a new life. Some of it is in the form of available credit and some is liquid, but it's there.
I still feel a little shaky sometimes when I get the bat shit codie crazies, but our plan is solid enough for me to feel safe and vivid enough for Bowser to know that I can leave if it's the safest thing for our kids.
I don't know if any of those are options for you, but there are options. You just have to get really creative.
((((BIG HUGS))))
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