I have detached myself from it all. The anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, all the deep emotional crap... all of it, is just missing. I am not over things yet. I have not healed and moved on. I simply stopped caring. Without all those deep feelings and thoughts there is nothing for me to draw from in order to write. Any attempts to journal events becomes simply a list of details and events. The fire and passion with which I write best have fizzled out and dried up.
I feel like an empty husk.
What am I without passion and emotion?
I believe it is something less than human. That is what I am right now. Less than human. Humans are full of life and passion and emotions and so much more. Me? I am just empty!
I am less than what I once was. And I don't know if I will ever really get myself back.
1 comment:
Oh (((Rocki)))
First of all, you are a SUPERB WRITER!!! I always look forward to reading ANYTHING that you write!
And I understand the feeling of numbness, but I think its the mind's way of dealing with something that's too difficult to deal with.
In addition, you are dealing with a youngster with autism and two teen-agers. That's enough to put anyone in a tailspin and then, there's all of the other shit, on top of that.
I am so sorry. If there's anything I can ever do... please let me know... I am here.
You will get most of your old self back. The new you may never be as trusting, but it will be a wiser version of your true self, because every experience incites change and as painful as all of this has been for me, some of those changes are for the better. I too wondered if I could ever focus long enough on the things I once enjoyed, but little by little, most of it is coming back and also, I have discovered new things that have given me great joy, like writing and sharing with other women who have gone through a similar experience. It just takes time and probably even more-so, with all that you have on your plate.
All my best,
L
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