I am struggling with my very existence right now. I am so tired of existing. I wish I didn't. It's not that I seek death. I simply wish that I had never existed. How much easier must it be to never had to exist in this life. To never have had to feel pain and loss and betrayal. To exist is to feel and I've had quite enough of feeling right now.
I must reaffirm that I do not seek death. I would never take my life. Perhaps I would feel differently if I didn't have children. However, I do have them and they are my reason for drawing every breath. I can not imagine them having to live without me and I will never purposely take myself away from them. They are like oxygen, food, water, blood... all the givers of life that keep my heart beating.
Certainly thought of taking my life once occurred to me. I wonder if there is a soul in this world who has not had the idea flicker in their mind, even if just for a brief second? I remember when the pain of my husband's lies and betrayal were fresh. How difficult it was to do the simple act of drawing breath. How sleep would not come without the aid of medication. My whole world had shifted and every little thing felt wrong.
I've wasted too much thought and word on such a grim topic. For it is not death I long for. Merely to have never existed. Oh, the bliss of never having had to spend a day in this world.
I do exist though, and have for three and a half decades now. I must find a way to accept this existence. I would prefer to change it if I could. To that effect I am making small changes. However, the change that would make the most difference I can not make. As much as it would do me good to walk away from the man who has caused me to hate my existence, I can not. Again, a decision I make for my children. For us much as I have dreamed of leaving, I can not imagine doing so in a way that would not be devastating to my precious babies. It does them little good for me to exist as I do though. As a hollow and wounded shell.
I muddle through and search for small ways to change my current existence.
1 comment:
Thank you for posting on my blog so that I found you.
I remember feeling exactly like this.....like I just wished I never had to be on this earth. I had a sense of lost hope in humanity. If my husband could have done what he did, if he could hurt me so then why wouldn't anyone else.
My heart goes out to you. Please know that there are many of us here that are willing to offer you support. I don't know if you have stopped by the Junkies Wives Club but I wanted to invite you to join us if you have not. It is a group of women with the exception of a guy or two that stand in our same shoes. It's a forum for people that are dealing with loved ones that have varying types of addictions. The forum is set up for specific addiction groups so you can just go and communicate with others dealing with sexual addiction. People are very loving and caring. I hope you stop by.
http://jwclub.ning.com/
Willow
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