I am on the verge of doing something stupid. I know it's stupid. And childish. And selfish. I know all that and still I am dangerously teetering on the edge of going over into the land of revenge.
No. Revenge is not the right word. I am not considering doing this out of spite.
Lonliness. Hurt. The desire to be needed, to be wanted. That is what has me at this point.
I simple flirtation could become more. My mind tells me I have the right. My heart tells me it needs this. My body screams to be touched. What's left to tell me NO?
4 comments:
I think anyone in our situation has thought of doing this. Some of us have done it and some have not.
For me it just seemed that the momentary reprieve would be followed by a worse pain than I was already living with. The thought of that alone kept me from wandering further than in my mind. It did somehow help me to just let my mind imagine though.
Yep. I have had the same thoughts of revenge.
What kept me from even going far with the thought was the same cynicism and broken trust that was driving me to the fantasy. I felt like everything around love and sex was hopeless, that if my husband's love hadn't been able to save me then nothing would, and that anyone who would have a fling with a married woman like me was (at best) just going to be another addict.
I've gotten to the point where I have a happy relationship with my husband, but that cynicism is so deep that I have no desire to ever have another romantic/sexual relationship again if this one ends.
This is where I struggle. I don't want to do the things that I know aren't right. The things I know would and have hurt me. But at the same time I need my own desired fullfilled. I do not want my husband touching me right now, and I don't think I will for a very long time. So how do I get through? How do I decide to suffer even more because of his mistakes?
It is a hard struggle. I simply don't know what to do or how to handle it.
Oh, Rocki, I struggle with this, too, sometimes. My husband goes through periods of sexual anorexia and I cry myself to sleep holding my teddy bear tight b/c I just want to be touched. Not even made love to, just touched and held. Teddy bears are very helpful.
I can't hug you right now, but I can reach out and give you an award. Please go over to my blog to pick it up.
Much love.
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