I Slipped

I did it. I slipped over the edge. I am no longer on the verge.

I hate to admit it. I do. I hate to admit it. But I don't hate that I did it. Oh boy does that need an explanation though. Because the reason I don't hate that I did it surprised the shit out of me.

I learned something tonight. As much pain as he's caused, as much crap as he's done... I still love Hub. I still want Hub. I still desire Hub.

This slip, this flirtation gone too far was a lesson on my own feelings. I am not sure I like what I learned tonight. But I needed to learn it.

(the rest of this is going to be very real and very revealing so back away now if you don't want to go down that road with me)

I wanted to know that I could find pleasure elsewhere. I wanted to know I wasn't dependent on Hub for this. But I am. The fact remains that he is the best of my life sexually. And I freaking hate it! I didn't want it to be true. But it is. I spent the evening with another man and when it was over all I wanted was to be with Hub. Hell, during it all I wanted was to be with Hub. To be with the man that knows how and where and when and what and well... he knows me, he knows what I like. We'll leave it at that.

Now I am even more angry and frustrated. Angry with Hub for screwing up what we had. For taking what seemed like the perfect relationship and turning it all into this big mess that it is. We should be happy damn it!

So what I learned upset me but at the same time it made me realize that if Hub can somehow find his way through the crap, if he chooses to fight the addiction and win... well, then maybe we really do have a future. Maybe, just maybe, we can be happy. For real this time.