Brutal Honesty

Sophie tagged me for some Honest Scrap, which i think translates into unload some true crap about yourself. I appreciate the tag, I feel so accepted now. ;) I’m supposed to share 10 honest things about myself and then tag 7 others. I am going to take a pass on tagging 7 others. I haven't really been around this bloggy circle long enough to even know 7 other bloggers to tag. I'll give you the 10 honest things, with a bit of a catch. I am doing two lists. If you want simple, random little truths just read the first one. If you want the deep down ugly stuff then go ahead and read the 2nd list. Most of them will be things that I have been meaning to blog about but haven't done yet. I will get the subject out there in this post and follow up with more detailed posts soon. (or hopefully soon) here we go then



the shiny happy list:

1) i am 36, look like i'm 26, sometimes act like i'm 6 but feel like i'm 56
2) i recently dyed my hair light golden brown. well, that is what it said on the box... really it turned out dark, nowhere in the neighborhood of golden, brown.
3) i am the youngest of 5 kids and my parents have been married for more than 50 years. i came from a pretty dysfunction free family (i managed to find the dysfunction all by myself)
4) i cry when i see my kids perform in school concerts or plays
5) i cry at sappy movies (hmm.. i cry a lot)
6) i grew up with a corn field in my back yard
7) i read the first Twilight book in 3 days and the 2nd one in 2. I am just getting ready to start on the 3rd. I need to read it and the 4th by Christmas because they are actually gifts for Dot and I am reading them myself before I wrap them up for her. yes, i know that's terrible!
8) my favorite holiday is halloween because i love making costumes
9) i would much rather give a gift than receive one
10) my favorite food in the world is fresh baked bread

now for the brutal list:


1) I lost my job (part of which was to order office supplies) for making purchases that were not in the best interest of the company. And yes, this one will have a follow up post because it's something that will take explanation. Explanation but not excuses and that my friends is the tough part.

2) I have not been without a guy in my life since I was 16. I have always had a new boyfriend before leaving the one I was already with. This one will need to a post or two as well.

3) I have always made the worst possible choices in my life. In that way I have not been a very good person in the past. (just look back at 1 and 2 for proof) I have decided to change that though.

4) I have this weird fear of talking to people on the phone. I never call anyone because I am afraid I am interrupting their life with my call. And as far as calling businesses I am just really freaked out at the idea of having to call and talk to someone. I have no idea why that is, but I have been that way as long as I can remember.

5) If my marriage wasn't so screwed up right now and if I could afford it I would adopt as many kids as I could afford to raise. I love children but hate pregnancy and childbirth. Plus it makes me cry to know there are children in the world who are without families to love and care for them and I would love to give at least one of them what they are missing. It breaks my heart that I will probably never get to actually do this.

6) I am scared that I screwed up a really good friendship when I slipped. This guy is a good friend of ours, Hubs and mine. And I am aware that this guy had as much a part in my slip as I did and I am totally not owning all the blame. But I am still worried about our friendship. (this one will probably have a post of it's own eventually too)

7) we are a family of 5 living in a 2 bedroom apartment because it is all we can afford right now

8) I tend to avoid my family (parents, bros and sisters) because I feel like the loser of the family and I am embarrassed of my life right now.

9) When I first learned about the things Hub was doing online I tried a lot of crazy stuff to get his attention back on me. I didn't know about sex addiction yet and didn't understand the real problem. I thought if I did certain things he would want to be with me more. (this is very likely to be the subject of some posts, but for now it's hard to think about let alone write about)

10) I have really low self esteem and I am terribly afraid that I will pass that trait on to my kids.