I've learned a valuable lesson in the past few months. It's a blogging lesson, so if you're new to the blogging world you'll want to pay close attention.
I follow alot of blogs. Not through this blog account, but through a different one where I don't try to hide my face or identity. No, it's the "let's put on a shiny happy face and pretend life is grand" blog account. I have a real love of reading blogs through a reader or a feed. I don't want to have to actually go visit people's blogs. Oh, the horror of the idea! Kidding. mostly! Of course what is easier than adding a blog to my reader feed is to just click that little follow button right there on the blog. You'll see one right here on this blog, over there to the left, unless of course you are reading this in a reader feed. Then you don't see how cool my blog actually looks and you're missing out on all it's true glory. Hey, just cause I don't want to have to go to people's actual blogs doesn't mean you shouldn't come to mine. You should. Definitely!
The valuable lesson I have learned involves that little follow button. Once you've clicked it, then the blog owner knows you're following. Your little avatar is right there on their blog, showing them that you care about what they are writing, that you are tuned in. But what happens if you decide you don't really care about what they are writing? What happens if you no longer want to be tuned in? Sure you can go back to the blog and stop following. But then your little avatar thing goes away and they know you stopped following them. I just can't do that. It reminds me too much of the playground in elementary school when one kid goes up to another and says "I don't want to play with you. You aren't my friend anymore." Ouch!
So now I am "trapped" into following a blog that irritates me. (this is the other account we are talking about now) That blog started off good. This person's child has autism which I related to since Tot does as well. When I'd first found this blog it was all about the struggles of dealing with many of the behaviors that come with it. Now, however, the blog has turned into this gushing fountain of bragging about the kid. Oh great! the kid is only three and is reading the entire Little House series of books all by herself. Good for her. Tot can spell cat now. Wow! she's mastered addition and subtraction as well. How terrific. Tot can count to thirteen. She's diving off the high dive and swimming the length of the pool in one breath? Well ain't that swell! Tot actually released his death grip from around my neck in the pool the other day.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the kid that she can do all the things she can. But I don't want to hear about it every stinking day. It's hard enough getting through each day with the struggles we have with Tot. I can't take a daily "rub it your face" post about how this kid who started out with the same issues has excelled so far while Tot still struggles with things that should come natural for a kid. The fact is, I just don't relate to this person and their situation anymore. But it comes down to the reality that it makes me, once again, bitter and petty that I look at their happiness and think "why the hell can't that be us". So taking my little avatar off that blog would feel like a public acknowledgement of that fact.
Of course if you're reading this then you should totally click on the follow me button here on this blog. I'll only check like ever other day to make sure you're avatar is still there.
9 comments:
I think the risk of being unfollowed is just part of the blog world--bloggers and their readers aren't all friends--some are, but it's also a public forum. Plus, whatever little twinge it might cause her, it's not worth the pain it's causing you. My two cents!
I've un-followed people before, without a shred of guilt. It only seems logical that this would happen sometimes. If a reader's interest changes, why should he or she keep having that blog come up on the reader every day?
I've also been un-followed and lived to tell about it!
(If the blogger does feel a little tug at losing me as a follower, I'm sure it doesn't last for long. After all, all i am is one more, rather easily replaced, little avatar...) Having said that, I do try to avoid un-following as much as possible by not becoming a follower until I find myself wanting to go back to a certain blog again and again.
;)
I've not only un-followed, I've unfriended on FB! I find it liberating! I don't do it over spats or anything like that. Its just sort of like deleting emails or something. I don't really have 230 friends, so when it gets up real high I go through and get rid of some that I don't ever contact. I'm telling you, it feels GREAT!
Sue and I are on the same wavelength. We are not responsible for anyone's feeling except our own! Situations change, life comes at us in unexpected ways. Tuck and roll, Baby, tuck and roll.
I notice that my follower number goes up, or it goes down. Obviously, if it goes up, the new folks are at the top of the list.
If it goes down, I have no idea who jumped ship, because I don't sit there all day admiring the avatars of all my followers.
I think if you want to bail, then bail.
Your post today is so similar to mine about FB, now I understand why you commented there.
It's hard not to compare kids - what I've found to be better to my psyche is to compare whether The Boy is doing any better than last year, or last month...let's just keep track of his progress, and forget about the prom queens and cheerleaders and swimming champs.
The thing that makes it more difficult to "unfollow" this particular blog is that the woman who writes and I were communicating through emails for awhile as well. We were support and encouragement for each other in the early days of the autism diagnosis for our kids. She was there for me and I was for her. I guess it just seems that would make my absence as a follower more obvious. But then again... we no longer email and rarely comment on each other's blogs. So perhaps she feels a disconnect from me as well as her child has gone a different developmental path than mine.
I've spent lots of time in programs and reading books related to codependency recovery. I've done that because I needed help setting limits, creating boundaries (first with bulldozers, later more gently) and learning how to take care of myself (instead of hurting myself to take care of others).
One (of many) aspect CoDA recovery literature puts forth is that I can help most by not helping others. That I need to see that if the other person is NOT rescued they will be in a better position to find their own emotional/ financial/ life skill resources to handle their own situation. In fact, when I help too much I actually rob them of the opportunity to grow up.
CoDA literature also assures me that people have more skills & abilities than I am inclined to presume that they do.
One of many possibilities is that they don't even notice or care who or how many "followers" they have. One of many possibilities is that by choosing to keep your icon on their page -- when you know for sure that it is a misrepresentation -- is a harm that you are doing to yourself (and, by extension, the other person) because somehow you think they aren't skilled enough to emotionally handle the truth and you concurrently think it is your job to rescue them from their own inabilities by doing things that are incongruent with your insides.
I have used that same logic myself. It has led me to choose to betray myself (and, by extension, others) by attending events I didn't want to attend, giving gifts I didn't want to give, receiving things I didn't want to receive, remaining even longer in dysfunctional relationships and allowing people to be sexual on my body when I didn't want them to.
Of course, your situation may be totally different. When I read your post I found myself remembering my history of dishonesty and betrayal: first of myself, and then, as a natural result, of others.
Hi-- I have read your blog only recently a few times and I like it. If ppl are taking you off theirs, I think its more about them and not about you...
What interests me is about the autism thing. I have a 15 yr old with "high functioning" autism and if I had read a blog about a 3 yr old who was doing those things described, with supposed "autism"--- I woulda puked all over my laptop.
What an insensitive cow!!!
Life with a kid with autism---SUCKS!!!!!!!!
and if it doesn't suck, and he is doing so WELL at THREE, then he ain't autistic...
Funny, how many of us with these other issues, also have kids with autism and then have depressed hubbies, and we're depressed too... well, yeeeeeeeaaahhhh!!!
Now, my son is 15.5 and hmmm... well...okay... it does get better---(with a LOT of help!!!!!!!) except then they turn into teenagers which under any circumstances are like alien invaders... so all bets are off. Just fasten your seat belts (tightly) and get some good meds and thank God no one has cancer. He's a very hard kid to love though...This is the TRUTH and its so painful sometimes. I can't stand parents who adore their disabled kids and wouldn't have it any other way. I want whatever it is that they are taking! For me, it just sucks, suck, SUCKS!!!
It's for the most part, a lot of shit,(and I mean shit) with occasional moments of WTF, HUH??? But those WTF, HUH moments are things that most other parents take completely for granted, like he had a play date and it went really well, or he played his guitar at a recital and he sat there and waited patiently, like a little gentleman, for his turn. Or...... we actually had a back and forth convo at dinner for 10 whole minutes and he didn't curse at me one time! Hallelujah--praise ______ (was gonna say, "jesus" but felt that was a bit inappropriate since I don't know you. :)
Marriage... yeah... I'm with you, hun...
Just want you to know... You're not alone... and I won't delete you either.
xo,
Lex
Hi... I wrote you and I guess it was too long, only it didn't tell me that it was too long before i sent it and now its gone. :(
Hopefully you got it.
xo,
Lexie
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