Marriage has given way to more of a partnership in parenthood. That is where I am. Where we are. We co-exist in co-dependency. Somehow it fits and makes a weird sort of sense right now.
Are we in recovery? No. At least not formally. Neither of us is in that place. I think I'm closer to it than Hub is, but I'm still not quite there.
Is everything wonderful? Of course not, but I can look at Hub and not want to push him in front of a bus. That's progress.
He hasn't acted out since returning from our separation. I am not delusional enough to think he never will again, but again... it's progress.
Life is not how I envisioned it would be. And yet, I am in a place of accepetance of all this.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
trash day
I'd had enough. I just needed to get out of the house, now. Slamming the car door, I noticed in the mirror that the garbage can was at the end of the drive. Trash day. How fitting that title was for a day like today. Overrun with anger and the need to flee, I attempted to back around the can. Turns out it's true... objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear, and apparantly they are a little the right as well. I sat staring at the refuse scattered on the lawn, and in it, saw my life.
This is my first attempt at joining in on Saturday Centus. A themed writing meme that must be 100 words or less, and include the "prompt" words. Therefor the preceeding was fiction, with a splash of truth. :) The prompt words are in color.
This is my first attempt at joining in on Saturday Centus. A themed writing meme that must be 100 words or less, and include the "prompt" words. Therefor the preceeding was fiction, with a splash of truth. :) The prompt words are in color.
i don't want to play with you anymore!
I've learned a valuable lesson in the past few months. It's a blogging lesson, so if you're new to the blogging world you'll want to pay close attention.
I follow alot of blogs. Not through this blog account, but through a different one where I don't try to hide my face or identity. No, it's the "let's put on a shiny happy face and pretend life is grand" blog account. I have a real love of reading blogs through a reader or a feed. I don't want to have to actually go visit people's blogs. Oh, the horror of the idea! Kidding. mostly! Of course what is easier than adding a blog to my reader feed is to just click that little follow button right there on the blog. You'll see one right here on this blog, over there to the left, unless of course you are reading this in a reader feed. Then you don't see how cool my blog actually looks and you're missing out on all it's true glory. Hey, just cause I don't want to have to go to people's actual blogs doesn't mean you shouldn't come to mine. You should. Definitely!
The valuable lesson I have learned involves that little follow button. Once you've clicked it, then the blog owner knows you're following. Your little avatar is right there on their blog, showing them that you care about what they are writing, that you are tuned in. But what happens if you decide you don't really care about what they are writing? What happens if you no longer want to be tuned in? Sure you can go back to the blog and stop following. But then your little avatar thing goes away and they know you stopped following them. I just can't do that. It reminds me too much of the playground in elementary school when one kid goes up to another and says "I don't want to play with you. You aren't my friend anymore." Ouch!
So now I am "trapped" into following a blog that irritates me. (this is the other account we are talking about now) That blog started off good. This person's child has autism which I related to since Tot does as well. When I'd first found this blog it was all about the struggles of dealing with many of the behaviors that come with it. Now, however, the blog has turned into this gushing fountain of bragging about the kid. Oh great! the kid is only three and is reading the entire Little House series of books all by herself. Good for her. Tot can spell cat now. Wow! she's mastered addition and subtraction as well. How terrific. Tot can count to thirteen. She's diving off the high dive and swimming the length of the pool in one breath? Well ain't that swell! Tot actually released his death grip from around my neck in the pool the other day.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the kid that she can do all the things she can. But I don't want to hear about it every stinking day. It's hard enough getting through each day with the struggles we have with Tot. I can't take a daily "rub it your face" post about how this kid who started out with the same issues has excelled so far while Tot still struggles with things that should come natural for a kid. The fact is, I just don't relate to this person and their situation anymore. But it comes down to the reality that it makes me, once again, bitter and petty that I look at their happiness and think "why the hell can't that be us". So taking my little avatar off that blog would feel like a public acknowledgement of that fact.
Of course if you're reading this then you should totally click on the follow me button here on this blog. I'll only check like ever other day to make sure you're avatar is still there.
I follow alot of blogs. Not through this blog account, but through a different one where I don't try to hide my face or identity. No, it's the "let's put on a shiny happy face and pretend life is grand" blog account. I have a real love of reading blogs through a reader or a feed. I don't want to have to actually go visit people's blogs. Oh, the horror of the idea! Kidding. mostly! Of course what is easier than adding a blog to my reader feed is to just click that little follow button right there on the blog. You'll see one right here on this blog, over there to the left, unless of course you are reading this in a reader feed. Then you don't see how cool my blog actually looks and you're missing out on all it's true glory. Hey, just cause I don't want to have to go to people's actual blogs doesn't mean you shouldn't come to mine. You should. Definitely!
The valuable lesson I have learned involves that little follow button. Once you've clicked it, then the blog owner knows you're following. Your little avatar is right there on their blog, showing them that you care about what they are writing, that you are tuned in. But what happens if you decide you don't really care about what they are writing? What happens if you no longer want to be tuned in? Sure you can go back to the blog and stop following. But then your little avatar thing goes away and they know you stopped following them. I just can't do that. It reminds me too much of the playground in elementary school when one kid goes up to another and says "I don't want to play with you. You aren't my friend anymore." Ouch!
So now I am "trapped" into following a blog that irritates me. (this is the other account we are talking about now) That blog started off good. This person's child has autism which I related to since Tot does as well. When I'd first found this blog it was all about the struggles of dealing with many of the behaviors that come with it. Now, however, the blog has turned into this gushing fountain of bragging about the kid. Oh great! the kid is only three and is reading the entire Little House series of books all by herself. Good for her. Tot can spell cat now. Wow! she's mastered addition and subtraction as well. How terrific. Tot can count to thirteen. She's diving off the high dive and swimming the length of the pool in one breath? Well ain't that swell! Tot actually released his death grip from around my neck in the pool the other day.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the kid that she can do all the things she can. But I don't want to hear about it every stinking day. It's hard enough getting through each day with the struggles we have with Tot. I can't take a daily "rub it your face" post about how this kid who started out with the same issues has excelled so far while Tot still struggles with things that should come natural for a kid. The fact is, I just don't relate to this person and their situation anymore. But it comes down to the reality that it makes me, once again, bitter and petty that I look at their happiness and think "why the hell can't that be us". So taking my little avatar off that blog would feel like a public acknowledgement of that fact.
Of course if you're reading this then you should totally click on the follow me button here on this blog. I'll only check like ever other day to make sure you're avatar is still there.
Friday, August 6, 2010
farewell to thee
It was with great excitement and expectation that I planted my little garden. It wasn't much. Just a few of my favorite vegetables. A row of carrots, another of lettuce, a few carefully sculpted mounds planted with zucchini, yellow squash and cucumber seeds. It was an experiment as I had never attempted to plant a garden before. I knew that with my track record of killing house plants that there was a high chance of failure for this little veggie patch. And yet, I had high hopes.
Within a couple weeks of planting the seeds, everything looked good. Tiny plants were beginning to sprout from the ground. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment at the site of those little bits of green life.
The lettuce was the first casualty. Just a couple of weeks after showing those first signs of life, my lettuce just sort of vanished. It was there one day, and the next it was gone. Well, to be honest I am not entirely sure it was the next day. It may have been a couple of days. Or perhaps three. I was doing really good at watering the garden, but then it rained for several days and I didn't need to water it. Then the rain stopped for a few days and I had gotten so accustomed to not watering that I kind of forgot to do it. Somehow the lettuce mysteriously disappeared after that.
The next veggie to fall victim was the carrots. After the sad loss of my lettuce, I made sure to water the garden every single day. I watered it a lot. I mean there were days that I left the sprinkler on for hours. Those carrots were so well watered that they even had a standing pool of water in their row of the garden. My kids didn't get to swim as often as my carrots did. And yet, somehow, the carrots mysteriously disappeared as well.
Now it was just the zucchini, squash and cucumbers left in my little garden. They had survived the natural disaster knows as a drought and thanks to those hills they were planted in, they survived the monsoon as well. I continued to water each day and for only about thirty minutes to an hour, depending on how badly the sun was blazing down. The remainder of my veggies were doing quite well. Then one day, I went outside and the zucchini was laying down totally mangled. They had fallen victim to a phenomenon known as rodents. I believe the rodents were of the bunny kind.
I really had meant to put up a nice fence around my little garden, but then on the way to the store I was passing Sonic and since it was happy hour I couldn't just drive by without stopping for half priced drinks. I think there might actually be a law against that, and in the words of the great Bill Murray, "it's a federal law too, it's not just a state thing". Of course once in the Sonic parking lot it seemed a shame to simply order drinks. I mean they do have fantastic onion rings, but you can't eat onion rings without getting an extra long cheese coney! And well, I couldn't just order food for myself when I had the kids in the car. I mean, I could have but it would have been kinda cruel and might have caused a mutiny. So two extra long cheese coneys, an order of onion rings, an order of popcorn chicken, a cheeseburger, two orders of tots and four half priced drinks later... I suddenly realized I no longer had the money to buy the fence for the garden. I figured it would be ok though. I had never actually seen bunnies in our yard before. Turns out that once you plant tasty veggies, the bunnies feel sort of invited in for a feast. Who knew?
After the death of the poor zucchini, I was much more vigilant and put up some borders around the garden and continued to faithfully water, but not too much, the garden. The squash and cucumbers were both bursting with flowers. It was a good sign. They were doing well and would soon be bearing delicious veggies.
Everything looked so good and was so close to actually producing real food that I kinda thought they would be okay for just a couple of days while we went out of town. I mean, I did consider the idea of asking the neighbor to water them while we were gone. I know she would have. It was only two days and I watered really well before we left and it was supposed to rain. It was only two little days. How was I supposed to know they would be the two hottest days of the year??? So we arrived home to another veggie death. Guess even the healthiest of veggie plants can't survive 110 degree weather with no rain.
I gave that little garden all I had. At least I did on the days I remembered to water it. And on the days I didn't forget that the sprinkler was on until six hours later. And when I belatedly put up a border to keep out the wildlife. And when I was actually home to take care of them and wasn't relying on the weather man to actually be right for once.
I am really sad that my veggies didn't make it! I had such high hopes.
Well, at least I have Sonic happy hour.
Within a couple weeks of planting the seeds, everything looked good. Tiny plants were beginning to sprout from the ground. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment at the site of those little bits of green life.
The lettuce was the first casualty. Just a couple of weeks after showing those first signs of life, my lettuce just sort of vanished. It was there one day, and the next it was gone. Well, to be honest I am not entirely sure it was the next day. It may have been a couple of days. Or perhaps three. I was doing really good at watering the garden, but then it rained for several days and I didn't need to water it. Then the rain stopped for a few days and I had gotten so accustomed to not watering that I kind of forgot to do it. Somehow the lettuce mysteriously disappeared after that.
The next veggie to fall victim was the carrots. After the sad loss of my lettuce, I made sure to water the garden every single day. I watered it a lot. I mean there were days that I left the sprinkler on for hours. Those carrots were so well watered that they even had a standing pool of water in their row of the garden. My kids didn't get to swim as often as my carrots did. And yet, somehow, the carrots mysteriously disappeared as well.
Now it was just the zucchini, squash and cucumbers left in my little garden. They had survived the natural disaster knows as a drought and thanks to those hills they were planted in, they survived the monsoon as well. I continued to water each day and for only about thirty minutes to an hour, depending on how badly the sun was blazing down. The remainder of my veggies were doing quite well. Then one day, I went outside and the zucchini was laying down totally mangled. They had fallen victim to a phenomenon known as rodents. I believe the rodents were of the bunny kind.
I really had meant to put up a nice fence around my little garden, but then on the way to the store I was passing Sonic and since it was happy hour I couldn't just drive by without stopping for half priced drinks. I think there might actually be a law against that, and in the words of the great Bill Murray, "it's a federal law too, it's not just a state thing". Of course once in the Sonic parking lot it seemed a shame to simply order drinks. I mean they do have fantastic onion rings, but you can't eat onion rings without getting an extra long cheese coney! And well, I couldn't just order food for myself when I had the kids in the car. I mean, I could have but it would have been kinda cruel and might have caused a mutiny. So two extra long cheese coneys, an order of onion rings, an order of popcorn chicken, a cheeseburger, two orders of tots and four half priced drinks later... I suddenly realized I no longer had the money to buy the fence for the garden. I figured it would be ok though. I had never actually seen bunnies in our yard before. Turns out that once you plant tasty veggies, the bunnies feel sort of invited in for a feast. Who knew?
After the death of the poor zucchini, I was much more vigilant and put up some borders around the garden and continued to faithfully water, but not too much, the garden. The squash and cucumbers were both bursting with flowers. It was a good sign. They were doing well and would soon be bearing delicious veggies.
Everything looked so good and was so close to actually producing real food that I kinda thought they would be okay for just a couple of days while we went out of town. I mean, I did consider the idea of asking the neighbor to water them while we were gone. I know she would have. It was only two days and I watered really well before we left and it was supposed to rain. It was only two little days. How was I supposed to know they would be the two hottest days of the year??? So we arrived home to another veggie death. Guess even the healthiest of veggie plants can't survive 110 degree weather with no rain.
I gave that little garden all I had. At least I did on the days I remembered to water it. And on the days I didn't forget that the sprinkler was on until six hours later. And when I belatedly put up a border to keep out the wildlife. And when I was actually home to take care of them and wasn't relying on the weather man to actually be right for once.
I am really sad that my veggies didn't make it! I had such high hopes.
Well, at least I have Sonic happy hour.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Drowning in a sea of milkshakes
I have been gaining weight at a slow and steady pace. Slow enough that it is not easily noticed, but steady enough that I need a larger size of clothing. Fifteen pounds and a new shirt size may not seem like like such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but then again that is what I thought about the first five pounds. I know that if I don't change things that the pounds, and inches, will keep slowly and steadily sneaking on.
The worst of it is... I have become an emotional eater. Years ago, if I were stressed, upset, worried, I would lose my appetite. My stomach would be in such knots that I wouldn't be able to eat. When I divorced my first husband, ten years ago, I lost about 20 pounds. It was all because I was so stressed out that my stomach was constantly bothering me and I couldn't eat. Damn, I miss that! Now, when I am feeling stressed I climb into loaf of fresh baked bread, or a huge slice of chocolate cake. I drown my worries in soda and milkshakes. I don't know why the food makes me feel better, but it does. And all I really want right now is TO JUST FEEL BETTER.
Do I give up the comforting effects of my beloved foods? Or do I give up this emotional crutch?
I know which I should do.... just a matter of deciding that I want to do it.
The worst of it is... I have become an emotional eater. Years ago, if I were stressed, upset, worried, I would lose my appetite. My stomach would be in such knots that I wouldn't be able to eat. When I divorced my first husband, ten years ago, I lost about 20 pounds. It was all because I was so stressed out that my stomach was constantly bothering me and I couldn't eat. Damn, I miss that! Now, when I am feeling stressed I climb into loaf of fresh baked bread, or a huge slice of chocolate cake. I drown my worries in soda and milkshakes. I don't know why the food makes me feel better, but it does. And all I really want right now is TO JUST FEEL BETTER.
Do I give up the comforting effects of my beloved foods? Or do I give up this emotional crutch?
I know which I should do.... just a matter of deciding that I want to do it.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What I am
I am a petty, jealous and bitter person. Just thought I should get that out there.
When other people get to do fun things that I can't afford to do...
it pisses me off!
When my ex buys something for the kids that I wanted to get them but couldn't...
it pisses me off!
When someone goes on a fantastic vacation I am not at all happy for them because I am too pissed off that I didn't get to go.
When my kids are all excited because their father and step mother took them to do something fun and cool, I am bitter because I wasn't the one that got to take them.
I hate that I am this way. I really do. That doesn't change things though.
Knowing that I am wrong to be so petty, jealous and bitter does nothing to keep me from actually being that way.
And that pisses me off too.
When other people get to do fun things that I can't afford to do...
it pisses me off!
When my ex buys something for the kids that I wanted to get them but couldn't...
it pisses me off!
When someone goes on a fantastic vacation I am not at all happy for them because I am too pissed off that I didn't get to go.
When my kids are all excited because their father and step mother took them to do something fun and cool, I am bitter because I wasn't the one that got to take them.
I hate that I am this way. I really do. That doesn't change things though.
Knowing that I am wrong to be so petty, jealous and bitter does nothing to keep me from actually being that way.
And that pisses me off too.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Random thoughts from a tired mind
- I really need to lose about
2030 pounds. While I had a great plan in mind to lose the weight, I just can't keep my fat ass from eating crap I shouldn't. Like right now... I was craving french toast so I made myself some. The big stuff, made with texas toast, and then smeared it with strawberry jam and sprinkled it with powdered sugar. Because that will help me lose the weight! Uck!!! I feel like total crap now. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't even hungry for craps sake! - I'll probably go throw it all up in a few minutes. Ya, I know! I shouldn't. But I probably will. No, it isn't something I do all the time, but I do it occasionally. Whenever I really binge and eat a lot of something I shouldn't when I'm not even hungry I tend to purge. Happens maybe once every couple of weeks. I know it's not healthy. Lecturing me won't help and it won't stop me from doing it. Hell, there are times I wish I'd just go full on bulimic and purge every freaking day. That is the place I am in mentally these days. I actually wish I were bulimic. I'd prefer it to being fat. The fact that I know it will screw up my health is a big part of why I don't. Another big reason is that I can't purge quietly, so I only do it when no one else is around. I know I am on a slippery slope where I could lose control (if i even have it) and can no longer stop myself. I don't even care. I've never been fat before and I hate it. Hate it!!! And I hate myself for letting my body get this way.
- The day actually started off pretty good. I got a lot done around the house and was feeling really great about myself. (that was pre-french toast) The backyard is basically a field of dirt that becomes a massive mud pit whenever it rains. Lately it has rained enough to make Noah start gathering the animals. It's been our plan for months to seed the backyard with grass. Every time I mentioned doing it, Hubs would tell me not to because he would get to it the next day. Three months after buying the big ass bag of seed, he still hadn't done it. So, today I seeded. I didn't get the whole yard done because it is a freaking huge yard. I got a good chunk of it done though, so I hope it will start to grow fairly quickly. I also weeded my veggie garden while I was out there. When I came in, I cleaned off all the mud and then gave the bathroom a really deep cleaning. Like I said, I got a lot done and felt great about it.
- I decided that I planted my garden in a really bad spot. The back two rows are ruined. They started off really good. I could see the lettuce and carrots coming up nicely. Then the rains moved into town. Those two back rows get flooded when it rains. The water just pools up there and drowned those poor veggies. The lettuce is totally done for and I can see just one little carrot green sticking up. Most of the other stuff I planted is still doing good so far. Every now and then I lose one to some sort of animal that is nibbling them, so I hope I don't lose them all to whatever it is. I haven't seen any rabbits, so I don't think they are the problem. We have a ton of squirrels in the yard, but someone told me they don't bother veggie gardens, so I guess it's not them. I have no idea. There are a ton of birds in the yard too but I don't think birds bother veggies either. This is my first time ever planting a garden so I really have no clue what I'm doing. If anything actually ends up producing it will be a miracle.
- Ya, I totally ended up purging.
- Why can't anyone in my family learn that if you leave a metal can on the sink it is going to cause rust rings!?!? I just cleaned that room and I go in there and find a can of shaving cream and a can of deodorant sitting on the wet sink. Frustrating. Put the crap away when you're done with it and wipe off the sink while your at it!
- I had a birthday last month and for the first time in ten years Hub actually bought me a gift. He actually said, "it took ten years, but I did pretty good this year didn't I?" and was totally serious. I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes, but it was true... he really hadn't ever gotten me a birthday gift before. I guess in another ten years I might get another.
- I wanted to get him a really nice father's day gift. It's not happening now. No, not because of the birthday thing. It is because of his increasingly frustrating spending habits. He just can't keep from buying stupid crap he doesn't need, even when we can't afford it because bills are due. The other day we were at the store and he found some stupid game he wanted to buy, so I told him if he got it that he could consider that his father's day gift. He bought it. There ya go! Enjoy your crappy game when you could have had a new cell phone. Dumbass!
- Dot is starting to date and I find myself really trying to push her away from the kind of guys she shouldn't be with. How do I know she shouldn't be with them? Because they remind me of many of the guys I dated. Yikes! Don't want her going down that road. The problem with trying to tell your teenage daughter not to date a guy because he is a loser, is that teenage daughters think their mother is not only completely stupid, but also out to destroy their lives. In other words, they always want to do the opposite of what mom says. I have to find a more subtle (like subliminal) way of getting her to do what I want.
- I recently got a job. I'm less than thrilled. First of all, I don't want a job. I want to be home with Tot. He spends his days with Hub now instead of me, or me and Hub. It's better than a babysitter but still not my ideal. He lets him watch too much TV for one thing. I also like to do educational activities with Tot, and Hub doesn't do that. He thinks certain activities are too hard for Tot. That is because this child already knows how to play people and can act like he doesn't get something if he doesn't want to do it. I know better, but Hub falls for it every time. Another reason I am less than thrilled is that it is a moron job, or a monkey job. Which basically means that any moron or a trained (and not even a well trained) monkey could do it. It requires no brain power at all. It's dreadful! It is also at a place I never imagined myself working and I haven't even told most people I know that I have a job because I am embarrassed to tell them where it is.
- I actually hate working so much that there are days that I'm driving to work that I actually have the thought cross my mind that if my car crashed on the drive there that I wouldn't have to go. I would never intentionally crash my car! I want to be clear about that. But how scary is it that the thought actually enters my mind?!?
- Life really isn't all bad. I just have some really crappy thoughts in my head right now. I guess that is why I am here posting on the blog which I almost never do. I just need to get these things out of my head.
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