stupid AND insensitive

It's been a few weeks, but I am back at attempting a Saturday Centus this week. The prompt was perfect. I knew just what to write about as soon as I saw it. It took some restraint to stick to 100 words. That and some massive utilization of contractions. It was hard to make myself use them since it has been pounded into me through my college English Comp courses to NOT use contractions. They have saved me here on the word count though. I just ask that you pretend the words are not contracted and read them as though they are separate words because I really do think it sounds better that way. That may just be the brainwashing talking though. Ah well, on with the show as they say. Prompt is in color as always.

I give you, The Stupidity and Insensitivity of Hub:

It’d been over three months since I’d seen Hub. He was working out of state in an effort to dig us out of our financial hole. Jobs were scarce here, especially in the only industry he’s qualified to work. Despite the fact that our marriage is far from perfect, and on most days not even in the neighborhood of good, I found myself missing him. I was happy to finally get a chance to see him. He had never been accused of being intelligent, but when I realized he’d brought two of his buddies with him when picking me up, I realized what an idiot he really is.

Well Crap!

I am hating school right now. One of my courses is just ridiculous. It is a topic I have zero interest in for one thing. That makes it so hard to even want to do the work. The class discusssions are awful. Most of it is opinion based, and my opinion is dfferent from pretty much everyone else in the class. I am still in class with morons. One dumbass commented on my post saying how she agreed with me and then proceeded to give examples of why she agreed that actually all proved she competely disagreed with me. Not sure if she is just really stupid or if she just did not get what I was saying. I was pretty clear on my position though, so my money would be on stupid.

The worst thing about the discussions being opinion based though, is that we really do not have to read the material to answer the questions. It is easy to get by without having to do any actual work. Of course then when it comes time to do the big weekly assignments that comes back to bite me in the ass. Actually there are some weeks when I don't even have to read the material to do the assignments, but now that is really coming back to bite me in the ass since the final assignment that is due in two weeks is going to require me to pull information from all the reading material over the past nine weeks. I am so screwed!

I was actually feeling really good this morning; thinking that I was getting through all my work this week fairly easily and that I would actually get to just relax and have fun this weekend. It is not going to happen. I hadn't bothered to look at this week's assignment until today. Big mistake! It is a really big project and requires me to write on a major current event. I do not watch the news or pay attention to current events. Not at all! Now I have to figure out what the hell is going on in the world, catch up on all the details and right a giant ass paper on it, plus include a bunch of other compare-and-contrast bullshit. Yep, I am screwed all right!

Oh! and to top it all off.... Stray Dog ate one of my favorite boots this morning!

The trouble with romance

I have a serious problem. I am a romantic.

This is a problem because, as such, I am destined to never really be happy in life. You see, a true romantic is never happier than when they are falling in love. We are not particularly interested in being in love, and certainly not in staying in love. Oh sure, a romantic likes to think that those incredible feelings of closeness and desire will lead to a lifetime of happiness and that the feeling will last. It doesn't though, and then the romance is gone. No, it is not the relationship that a romantic needs. It is those intense feelings of attraction and the dreams and plans built around those. All the things that come with falling in love are like an addiction for the romantic. It is the fall that matters, not what follows.

There is nothing more romantic than those first exciting encounters with someone. I am not referring to the sexual encounters. I am talking about those first days or weeks that we spend with someone new. It is a time when all their jokes are funny, their stories are fascinating, and no one on earth could possibly be more interesting.

I have never been happy in relationship past the first year or two. I remember falling for Hub and thinking that it was the most exciting time in my life. It all seemed so romantic. I thought we would be together and happy forever. I did not really think about the forever though. If I had I would have realized things would never really work out. We were not really compatible. That did not matter then. It should have, but it didn't. I could not see past the fall. I just felt so much love and excitement and happiness that I assumed it would last. It is a romantic notion, but not a realistic one.

I can blame a great deal of our marital problems on Hub, and I would be right in doing so. But if I am being realistic, I know that even if he had not turned out to be a sex addict, things probably would not have worked out anyway. I would have gotten bored. His jokes are not funny anymore. He is no longer charming. His stories are not really that interesting at all. In fact I hate talking to him most of the time because I just do not give a shit about the things he is talking about. I have no interest in this relationship. It is boring.

I find myself fantasizing quite often about leaving Hub. It is not for the reasons it should be. It is not because I want to stand on my own and get away from the emotional torment he has put me through. I am numb to all that now. None of it really matters to me. I just do not care enough about him anymore to care what he does. I find myself fantasizing about leaving so that I can find someone new. Honestly, I fantasize more about finding someone new than I do about actually leaving. I want the thrill of a new relationship. I want the romance.

Lately I find myself watching romance movies. There is this longing in my when I watch them. I want that. I want that feeling. I want someone to be so enthralled with me that they would chase me to the ends of the earth. I want someone to love me so much that they would do anything, including laying down their life or spending a lifetime in prison (it was the theme of one of the movies i watched) in order to protect me. I want to fall in love.


I was thinking about this just the other night as I watched yet another Bollywood romance (these are my latest romance movie obsession as the stories are so much more involved and they have to fight so much harder to be together than people in our own society do). I was thinking about how desperately I want to fall in love like the people in the movie. Then I had this realization that I am getting too old for such things. Here are these young couples fighting against their parents and society in order to be together and it is so romantic and I would love to be in their place. I am not young though. People my age do not go into relationships looking for love and romance. They go into them looking for stability. I am at the age where it is more important to be sure you get a man who is going to treat you well and be able to help provide for the family than it is to have a big, romantic adventure.

I am too old for romance, and that depresses me. I have always been the girl that rebelled and went after the boy who was all wrong for me. I went after the excitement and the adventure. I went after the big, romantic adventure. Those days are behind me now. If I were to leave Hub I would need to be on my own for a while. It is the right thing to do for the sake of the kids. You cannot just run right into a relationship with someone else when you have kids. Well you can, but people think you belong on an afternoon sleazy talk show when you do that. (i know, i have been there. but that is a story for another time) Then when it was appropriate for me to move on to another relationship I would have to be practical. I would have to find a man who would treat me good, who would treat my kids well, who could provide for a family. I would have to be sensible. And really, if that is how you have to approach finding a relationship.... why even bother? What good is a relationship without romance? I have that now!

So I am feeling a bit old these days. Old, trapped, and alone. I still dream of romance, but I have come to the disheartening conclusion that it will forever be a just a dream.

Empty

I haven't felt much like posting lately. I have always enjoyed writing (even though I am not really that good at it) and this blog has been cathartic. It has been a good outlet for me to release the emotional garbage that I have had to deal with. I think that this is a big reason why I have not been able to write lately.

I have detached myself from it all. The anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, all the deep emotional crap... all of it, is just missing. I am not over things yet. I have not healed and moved on. I simply stopped caring. Without all those deep feelings and thoughts there is nothing for me to draw from in order to write. Any attempts to journal events becomes simply a list of details and events. The fire and passion with which I write best have fizzled out and dried up.

I feel like an empty husk.




What am I without passion and emotion?

I believe it is something less than human. That is what I am right now. Less than human. Humans are full of life and passion and emotions and so much more. Me? I am just empty!

I am less than what I once was. And I don't know if I will ever really get myself back.

Going Off On a Bit of a Rant

Why do people have an overwhelming desire to pick up small children and swing them in the air or flip them upside down? Nearly everyone does it. When it is your own child, it is really no big deal. But what about other people's children? Is it really ok to scoop up your friends child and swing them around? No, it is not. Let me tell you why.

Not all kids like it!

Some hate it.

Some are terrified by it.

Some have neurological disorders that make it both terrifying and painful.

That is why you should not go around scooping up kids and swinging them over your head or tipping them upside down.

This public service message is brought to you by the fact that Tot is one of those kids with the nuerological disorder. When he is not on solid ground, his brain does not know how to react. Think of it as his senses being strung too tight and are oversensitive as a result. Being off the ground causes real terror for him and makes him feel physically ill.

Well meaning people will attempt to "play" with him in ways he just cannot handle. This just happened a couple of days ago. My sister came up behind him (so he didn't even get a warning that it was about to happen which makes it even worse), scooped him way up in the air and then flipped him upside down. He screamed. SCREAMED!!! The poor kid was terrified. His body had no idea how to react and could not get itself regulated to this change in positioning. So Tot screamed and cried until he was put down and then he simply sat there, unmoving and cried some more.

My sister's reaction? "Oh! Does that still bother him?
WTF?!?!?!?!

Yes. The neurological disorder is still there. My son's brain has not magically cured itself.

Then, my brother-in-law pipes in with, "I thought he would have gotten over that by now. He's almost six."

No, he has not and will not "get over it". He is not a wimp. He is not a little chickenshit that needs to grow up and get over his "fears". He has a very real disorder that will affect him for life!

Physical and occupational therapy can help him to learn to cope with it, but that only goes so far. Of course insurance won't pay for PT or OT. Why? Because Sensory Processing Disorder is not an officially recognized disorder. It exists, but not officially. So what does that mean for my son?

It means don't pick him up, swing him over your head, or flip him upside down!!!!

Wait! Is That? No! It can't be! Can it? Oh for germs' sake... IT IS!!!

So there is this blog I like to read that is written by a real life acquaintance of mine. Part of it is her family life and part of it addresses the needs of orphans throughout the world. (she is in the process of adopting from somewhere in Africa. i am being intentionally vague on exactly where) I share her love and concern for orphans and I truly enjoy that portion of her blogging. The family stuff is cute, but I don't know her well enough to really care if her kids built a snowman or learned to use the potty.

Recently she changed her blog design. She decided to "personalize" it. In the header she has multiple photos of her kids doing "cute" and "silly" things. One of the photos is of her son holding up a booger on his finger and examining it with great interst. (barf! gag! ugh! retch! yak! vomit!) Excuse me, I got a little sick for a moment there. A booger? A booger! Seriously? Seriously! And this big, ol nasty globber is the focal point of the photo. And of all the photos in the "cute and silly" photo collage in the header... Mr. Booger Finger is the largest one. Why? Why the FUdidiliumpCKins would she do that???? Does she really, and I mean REALLY, think that people want to see that? She cannont honestly believe that we do!!! There is no freaking way in hell she really, truly, honestly believes that anyone but her would think that was cute!!!

Well, I officially have one less blog to read now! There is just no way I am going to go look at that f'ing nose goblin every freaking day!!!!

Note to self (and to others): The number one way to get people to stop reading your blog is to post a giant photo of a booger in the header!

insert HUGE SIGH here

I applied for a job that I really wanted and I know I would have been perfect for.
I felt really good about my chances.
I was seriously PERFECT for this job.
It was perfect for me.
The job is no longer listed and I never got a call.
(((SIGH)))

I had a lot of hope hanging on the idea that they were sure to call me.
I was sure this job was exactly what I needed to turn things around.
It was more than a financial need.
This would have provided me with something that I am missing deep down inside.
It could have restored my faith in myself and in my abilities.
(((SIGH)))