Empty

I haven't felt much like posting lately. I have always enjoyed writing (even though I am not really that good at it) and this blog has been cathartic. It has been a good outlet for me to release the emotional garbage that I have had to deal with. I think that this is a big reason why I have not been able to write lately.

I have detached myself from it all. The anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, all the deep emotional crap... all of it, is just missing. I am not over things yet. I have not healed and moved on. I simply stopped caring. Without all those deep feelings and thoughts there is nothing for me to draw from in order to write. Any attempts to journal events becomes simply a list of details and events. The fire and passion with which I write best have fizzled out and dried up.

I feel like an empty husk.




What am I without passion and emotion?

I believe it is something less than human. That is what I am right now. Less than human. Humans are full of life and passion and emotions and so much more. Me? I am just empty!

I am less than what I once was. And I don't know if I will ever really get myself back.

Going Off On a Bit of a Rant

Why do people have an overwhelming desire to pick up small children and swing them in the air or flip them upside down? Nearly everyone does it. When it is your own child, it is really no big deal. But what about other people's children? Is it really ok to scoop up your friends child and swing them around? No, it is not. Let me tell you why.

Not all kids like it!

Some hate it.

Some are terrified by it.

Some have neurological disorders that make it both terrifying and painful.

That is why you should not go around scooping up kids and swinging them over your head or tipping them upside down.

This public service message is brought to you by the fact that Tot is one of those kids with the nuerological disorder. When he is not on solid ground, his brain does not know how to react. Think of it as his senses being strung too tight and are oversensitive as a result. Being off the ground causes real terror for him and makes him feel physically ill.

Well meaning people will attempt to "play" with him in ways he just cannot handle. This just happened a couple of days ago. My sister came up behind him (so he didn't even get a warning that it was about to happen which makes it even worse), scooped him way up in the air and then flipped him upside down. He screamed. SCREAMED!!! The poor kid was terrified. His body had no idea how to react and could not get itself regulated to this change in positioning. So Tot screamed and cried until he was put down and then he simply sat there, unmoving and cried some more.

My sister's reaction? "Oh! Does that still bother him?
WTF?!?!?!?!

Yes. The neurological disorder is still there. My son's brain has not magically cured itself.

Then, my brother-in-law pipes in with, "I thought he would have gotten over that by now. He's almost six."

No, he has not and will not "get over it". He is not a wimp. He is not a little chickenshit that needs to grow up and get over his "fears". He has a very real disorder that will affect him for life!

Physical and occupational therapy can help him to learn to cope with it, but that only goes so far. Of course insurance won't pay for PT or OT. Why? Because Sensory Processing Disorder is not an officially recognized disorder. It exists, but not officially. So what does that mean for my son?

It means don't pick him up, swing him over your head, or flip him upside down!!!!

Wait! Is That? No! It can't be! Can it? Oh for germs' sake... IT IS!!!

So there is this blog I like to read that is written by a real life acquaintance of mine. Part of it is her family life and part of it addresses the needs of orphans throughout the world. (she is in the process of adopting from somewhere in Africa. i am being intentionally vague on exactly where) I share her love and concern for orphans and I truly enjoy that portion of her blogging. The family stuff is cute, but I don't know her well enough to really care if her kids built a snowman or learned to use the potty.

Recently she changed her blog design. She decided to "personalize" it. In the header she has multiple photos of her kids doing "cute" and "silly" things. One of the photos is of her son holding up a booger on his finger and examining it with great interst. (barf! gag! ugh! retch! yak! vomit!) Excuse me, I got a little sick for a moment there. A booger? A booger! Seriously? Seriously! And this big, ol nasty globber is the focal point of the photo. And of all the photos in the "cute and silly" photo collage in the header... Mr. Booger Finger is the largest one. Why? Why the FUdidiliumpCKins would she do that???? Does she really, and I mean REALLY, think that people want to see that? She cannont honestly believe that we do!!! There is no freaking way in hell she really, truly, honestly believes that anyone but her would think that was cute!!!

Well, I officially have one less blog to read now! There is just no way I am going to go look at that f'ing nose goblin every freaking day!!!!

Note to self (and to others): The number one way to get people to stop reading your blog is to post a giant photo of a booger in the header!

insert HUGE SIGH here

I applied for a job that I really wanted and I know I would have been perfect for.
I felt really good about my chances.
I was seriously PERFECT for this job.
It was perfect for me.
The job is no longer listed and I never got a call.
(((SIGH)))

I had a lot of hope hanging on the idea that they were sure to call me.
I was sure this job was exactly what I needed to turn things around.
It was more than a financial need.
This would have provided me with something that I am missing deep down inside.
It could have restored my faith in myself and in my abilities.
(((SIGH)))

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!!

Have you ever tried to read instructions when there are two loud, rowdy people wrestling two feet behind you?

Have you ever tried to assemble your ideas into a cohesive thought and attempt to write them into an essay when someone is watching television at a volume of 55 just three yards to your left?

I tried. I was not successful.

Trying to complete college assignments while stuck in a hotel room with other people... just not possible!

I am ready to get back to the real world.

nobody cares what you want

I am living life in the Twilight Zone. I must be. Nothing could feel more alien or surreal than my surroundings at this time. Ok, maybe I've got sci-fi stuck in the brain after my little tale I wrote earlier and I'm pulling references to obscure old television shows due to that. But seriously... this is a strange world indeed.

I am on vacation. I know what you're thinking, "but Rocki you are dead broke and in a massive depression about the financial belly-buster you took over the holidays! how the hell are you paying for a vacation?" Well, you would be very wise to think that way, except I am not paying for this little trip. Nope! It's the parents. They had this bright idea that it would be fun to take me and Tot on a little family trip for some good ol family fun. Sounds great in theory. In reality... it is more of a nightmare.

The biggest problem with going on a trip that someone esle is paying for is that it leaves you with no control of the situation. You go where they want to go and do what they want to do. So the kid would love It's a Small World cause he's weird like that... well, that is just too bad cause grandma hates it. Nosir, not happening. So you hate meat and the kid won't eat it at all, well that is too bad cause grandpa wants to go to the prime rib buffet. Wake up when they want, leave when they want, see what they want, eat what they want, do what they want and grin and be thankful through it all.

Is vacation over yet?!?!?

oh no you dih-unt

I like Sci-Fi, but I have never actually written any. Well, I did back when I was ten but that really doesn't count. That was a phase in my life where I was convinced I was a character out of Star Wars, so we try to forget that year. Why do I bring up Sci-Fi? Because Jenny Matlock decided that it would be fun to not just give us a prompt this week, but to also determine which genre we must write it in. Ya, she chose Sci-Fi. Of course based on the fact that she mixed a line from Star Wars by mentioning a galaxy far, far away with a classic line from Star Trek, I am guessing that Sci-Fi is really not her thing. Oh well, on to my rather lame attempt at re-visiting the love of my childhood, Sci-Fi. Prompt, as usual, is in color.


“You did not just say that,” I yelled in utter disbelief. We were in the middle of the park surrounded by dozens of gruesome lizard-men. A woman went running by, screaming in terror just before being laser-blasted into oblivion. Every direction we turned there was mayhem and destruction. Bulging, red lizard eyes glowed in scaly, green faces. People were being evaporated, fried, and blasted to puddles of goo. The aliens had arrived unexpectedly and they had not come in peace. Standing next to me was my son, staring up at the spaceship overhead. And what did he have to say? “Beam me up Scottie!”