tiny tim can go f....

"Are you ready for Christmas?" asked the perky wulmurt cashier.

"No, not really," I sighed.

"Why not?" she asked, seeming surprisingly concerned.

"I am just not in the Christmas spirit this year," I answered with a shrug of my shoulder.


An actual snarl took over her formerly perky face. "Ugh!" she snorted, "that's not right!"

Seriously? Seriously you overly chipper, snarky, little bitch?!? You're going to give me an attitude... no! not just an attitude but down-right contempt, because I am not in the holiday spirit?


Maybe you can be happy you blue-shirted, Santa loves me, upbeat, stupid-ass optimist, but not all of us can. Some of us have husbands who will be 100's of miles away on Christmas. Husbands who will probably be treating themeselves to a happy-ending massage while we're putting together some 100o piece toy that our kid just had to have but will only play with for a day, and we're slaving over a hot stove making a dinner nobody is going to freaking eat! Some of us are making do with aging potatoes, a can of corn, and that cheap ass ham you see me spending my last fifteen bucks on for Christmas dinner. Some of us are having to decide whether to actually pay the bills or to buy their kids presents for Christmas this year!!!


So excuse the f**k out of me if I'm not feeling the spirit this year. God bless us everyone my ass! Tiny Tim can go f**k himself too!!!


I am in a dark, bitter mood this holiday season. Get over it ya peppy bitch! Ugh.... I need a drink!

it really could happen

It was a Saturday Centus I could not resist!!! Sorry Jenny, but I simply could not pull this one off without a wee bit of non G-rated language, but it is really only PG so not too far off. ;)



An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes, and then I laughed. It was the longest, hardest, best laugh I had since being diagnosed. The months had been long and hard. That wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was always seeing my family upset. They would try to hide it, but the amount of effort it took them always showed. Today’s grim news had made it all worse until this very moment. One gift changed it all.

Now I held up those shoes and laughed. “I hate that God-Damned song son!”

“I know Mom, that’s why I had to do it.”


writer's note:
This week's effort is a tribute to my most hated Christmas song. I really do hate that G-D song!!! Whenever I hear it I always say, "who the f*** would want shoes when they are about to die?!?" to which my son always says, "i am totally buying you shoes when your old and about to die."


ok, since many people are saying they don't know what song i am talking about in their comments... here it is:

To Give the Boy a Gun

Several weeks ago Sonny told me that he wanted to learn to shoot a gun. When I asked him why he said, "just because I'd like to know how." I told him that was not a valid reason for learning to shoot a gun. He thought he was clever when he then said he wanted to learn to shoot a gun in case we are ever attacked by zombies.

I am honestly not sure if he was trying to be funny to distract me from the severity of the issue, or if he really believes we may one day be attacked by zombies. The kid tends to live in video game fantasy world a good portion of the time. The idea of actual zombies has crossed his mind a time or two.

I ended the conversation by telling him that if he really wants to learn to shoot a gun that he can join the military when he is eighteen. Then he would have a valid reason for learning to do so. Of course I then told him that if he joined the military instead of going to college that I would kick him in his brilliant little ass. The kid is smart. Spooky smart sometimes actually. I do not want him wasting way above average intelligence fighting in some war half way around the world.


flash forward to yesterday......

I received a text from The Idiot. The Idiot is less commonly known as my ex-husband. The text led to others. Here is the run-down of how it went:

Idiot: I want to get your opinion on how you would feel about Sonny learning to shoot a gun

Me: I would rather he not!!!

Idiot: Well, he asked me about learning to shoot a gun a few days ago.

Me: He asked me that too, I told him NO!


Idiot: I told him he would need to have hunter's safety first.


After that I just didn't respond to him. I made my opinion very clear to him. NO!!! It was ridiculous for him to continue on. I feel very strongly about this and there is nothing he could say that would change my mind.

Now, if The Idiot were a hunter and wanted Sonny to learn to shoot so that the two of them could go hunting together... then I could understand it. Then there would be a somewhat valid reason for the kid to learn to shoot a gun. (i don't like hunting, so it is not a totally valid reason to me. i don't get killing animals for fun and they sell food at the grocery store. i see no real need to hunt) Idiot is not a hunter. He has never been hunting in his forty years of existence. Is he planning to start just because his 14yo son wants to shoot a damn gun?!?

I mentioned just a few days ago that Sonny is a very introverted kinda kid. He has few friends. He is quiet and painfully shy. He isn't into sports, he is short and skinny, he gets straight A's without even trying, and he lacks confidence. He feels very picked on by many of the kids at school. He is prone to bouts of depression.



Does any of that seem like a good combination with a gun???? Hell no it doesn't!!!

To give the boy a gun would be stupid and irresponsible!



I have felt for awhile now that I should probably look into a therapist for him. Now I am certain that it is a good idea. I am looking into options now and plan to have him begin visiting one after the first of the new year.

Let the Sun Shine on Him

I do not often talk about my kids here. It often doesn't seem the place. Frankly, I spend more time complaining or feeling sorry for myself here than anything else. My kids are (mostly) a source of joy for me. It means they don't really fit the mood of this sad place. Today though, I really have Sonny on my mind.

I have always been a really shy person, in a nearly debilitating way. I feel incredibly awkward around people I do not know, or do not know well. I suffer from very terrible social anxiety disorder. What does this have to do with Sonny? He is the exact same way.

My poor son is painfully shy. There are times when the sadness and loneliness caused by this are so great that they just poor out of him. He will get into a mood so low that he will simply lay on the floor near tears with his lip trembling. He tries to hide his face so none of us notice, but I almost always do. It breaks my heart.

He is at an age now where his interest in girls is really peaking. He wants so much to ask a girl out on a date, but his shyness keeps him from doing so.

Today I saw something that lifted my spirits and made me smile with pure joy for my son. I was on Facebook, wasting away precious time when I noticed Sonny's status had been recently updated. He is at school, which meant that it had been updated from his cell phone. He is technically not supposed to be on his phone at school, unless it is lunchtime. It was not yet lunchtime. I looked at the status update to see what could be so important that he needed to post from school. That is when I realized that he was not the one to write the status. It said "Cute Girl was here!" Now, it didn't really say "cute girl" it said some cute little girl's name. Yes, I looked through his list of friends to see who "cute girl" was. She really is a very pretty young lady. Here she was, announcing to the world that she was on Sonny's Facebook. I have spent enough time around Dot to know that this is a very flirty thing to do. It is a way to let someone know that you "really like them".

Now maybe not all mom's would be thrilled about the idea of their child taking those first steps into the dating world. For me though, it is like a little ray of sun shining down on my son. It is a glimmer of hope that maybe some of that social awkwardness may just be slipping away. And yes, I am indeed thrilled about that!

The Past wrap up: The Aftermath

While there is more to tell from the past, this particular tale has come to its conclusion. There were a few last details that I feel I should share. The aftermath, I guess you would call it. I am breaking away from the story-like way I have been telling this tale for this part and just providing the details.

Our night with Jesse was pretty much the end of our hanging out at Flyers. It wasn't what had happened with him that stopped us from going, it was just the timing of when it happened. Training camp had started a couple of weeks before that night. There was just one last week before the season officially began. With the start of the season Flyers would once again become a post-game hangout for the players and the fans as well. That meant it was becoming a place we would once again be avoiding, whether the encounter with Jesse had happened or not.

Hub did call Jesse a couple of days after our night together. He offered him those game tickets he had asked about, but Jesse had decided to turn them down.

A couple of weeks later Jesse called me on my cell. He was making a short flight in a private plane. It would take a couple of hours to get there, he would then have about four hours of down time before flying back. He called to ask if I wanted to join him on the flight. Some of those feelings of attraction for him sparked to life and I had considered saying yes. The idea of flying in a private plane, sitting next to the pilot, had an exciting appeal to it.

I knew that the only reason he was inviting me was to help him occupy those four hours of down time. I still had a sense of loyalty to Hub that I couldn't betray. There was also the fact that I was now very aware of the fact that he had a wife. Having an affair with a married man was not a path I wanted to go down. The real truth of why I ultimately told him no was not either of those reasons though. It was remembering how used I had felt once he had gotten what he wanted and the fake romance had vanished. I didn't need more of that in my life. I already had one man in my life that made me feel like shit, I didn't need a second.

That was the last I had ever heard from Jesse. After the season was over, Hub and I didn't hang out at Flyers very often like we had the year before. I would occasionally hear it mentioned that Jesse had been there the week before, but he was never there when we were.

Someone had asked in the post comments where my kids were during all these events. I responded to that in comments, but thought I would address it here too. All of this took place before Tot was a part of our family. Dot and Sonny are my children from a previous marriage. Any nights that Hub and I were out, the kids were with their father for the weekend. I know that I may have written "the next Saturday" or "the next week" in the re-telling of the past, but the fact is that it was actually every other week that we would go out. So anytime I said "next Saturday" it was simply the next Saturday that we went out, which would actually be two weeks later. The telling of the tale is just easier to tell without having to try and include a precise timeline.

I think the fact that we went out every other week may actually have some relevance in the aftermath. I believe that Jesse would only go to Flyers on weekends he knew we would not be there because we were home with the kids. It has now been years since we have been to Flyers and even longer since we have seen Jesse. I did hear once from Brent that Jesse's wife had found out that he had been having multiple affairs. She found photos of naked women on his phone. I felt really bad for her. Turns out they had a baby daughter as well.

I also feel like I should mention that during our night with Jesse that nothing took place between he and Hub. There was nothing "bi" about either of them. Maybe that is not important to mention, and yet I still feel the need to mention it. Perhaps that is the codie in me. Once again trying to protect by making sure no one thinks the wrong thing about either of the men who used me in this situation.

I am not claiming innocence in the situation. I played my part. Mostly though, I was a sad woman desperately trying to find a way to save my marriage.

So ends this tale of our first step into swinging. I wish I could say that this was the end of our attempts at swinging, but it was not. There were still those words that Hub had said when suggesting we take Jesse home with us. I hadn't noticed them at the time, but he was certainly not going to let them go. But that is another tale.

The Past part 6: The Next Morning

I vaguely remember Hub waking me the next morning to say goodbye. He had to work. It was just one more downfall of life in pro sports. Weekends were never free, not even Sundays. It is seven day a week work. It didn’t seem strange at all to be laying there a bit hung-over and having Hub slip out the bedroom door with a quick kiss and a whispered goodbye. At least it didn’t seem strange at first, not until I felt the body lying next to me.

I rolled over to see blue eyes staring at me. The same gorgeous blue eyes I had looked into at the bar so many times and wanted more. Now here they were, along with the sexy pilot they belonged to, in my bed. My first thought was how amazing it was to be there with him. It didn’t take long for that thought to be overtaken by the bizarreness of the situation though.

Did Hub really just head out the door for work and leave me in bed with another man? The sound of his car backing out of the driveway confirmed that he had.


I wasn’t really sure what to think of the entire situation. It was all very strange to me, but this new twist of events was the strangest of all. I didn’t have much time to ponder it though. Jesse was there, looking at me, reaching for me. His hand reached out and with it he grabbed mine. He just lay there looking at me, his palm resting against mine. We didn’t talk for a while. We just lay there, palm to palm, staring into each other’s eyes.



It reminded me of how the night had gone. Hub as always had been a strong, powerful presence. Everything with him is intense. Jesse on the other hand had been gentle and smooth. One was the epitome of rugged desire, the other sensual romance. It had opened my eyes to the differences between men.

After at least ten minutes of simply taking each other in, Jesse finally spoke, “Now what?”

“I’m not sure,” I confessed.

Jesse closed his fingers around my hand, brought it to his mouth and placed a kiss on it. “I’m pretty sure Hub wouldn’t mind us making love. I mean, he wouldn’t have left us here alone together if he did. If he didn’t want anything to happen between us, he would have made me leave. Don’t you think?”

I was completely caught up in the moment. I wasn’t used to romance. Passion, desire, an animal like need for sex… those were they things that had always brought Hub and I together. Gentle caresses, looking into each other’s eyes, romantic words… they were new to me. I was enjoying the experience of it all. So I had to agree with Jesse. I wanted him too much at that moment to argue. Besides, he had to be right. Hub could have made him leave, but he didn’t.

There was kissing and touching and more romance. Then things took the most bizarre twist of all. Jesse asked me to turn over. I really do not wish to go into a lot of detail on this blog about the more intimate moments, but this one part is very important to the story. Therefore, it must be told. I am not a fan of what everyone knows as “the doggy position”. Even typing the words makes me gag a little. To me it is very impersonal and a bit degrading. I shared those feelings on the subject with Jesse.

He kissed me deeply and flashed me his most charming smile. “Please,” he asked, “I love sex that way and my wife never lets me do it with her.”

Wife? Did I know he had a wife? I scrambled through months of conversations trying to recall any mention of a wife. I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I looked down at his left hand. There was a ring. How could I have not noticed that before? Had I been so caught up in the flirting, so distracted by those eyes, that I never noticed he wore a wedding ring?

At that moment I could no longer bring myself to look into those eyes that had always made me knees go weak. I had no right to look into them. They belonged to another woman’s husband. A woman who had no idea where her husband was at that moment. I couldn’t face him; doing so would be facing the fact that I was helping a man betray his wife. I simply rolled over and let him have his way.

He completed doing what he had set out to do and quickly rolled over. All romance was gone. He had gotten what he wanted and now all traces of tenderness had vanished. There was no more looking into my eyes. There was no more holding his hand palm to palm with mine. There were no more sweet and flattering words. Instead he was simply climbing out of bed and getting dressed. “Thanks,” he said, “but I really gotta run now. I have to get back to the hotel and then I’ve got a flight.”

I quickly got up and threw on some clothes. I walked him to the door, wanting to shut it quickly and lock him and all we had done out. He stepped out onto the porch and in another shocking moment he turned back and kissed me. Right there on my front porch where any of the neighbors could see… he leaned in the door and kissed me. “Tell Hub to give me a call about tickets to the game next week,” was all he said as he dashed out to his car.


I shut the door and locked it tight. I moved across the room in a zombie-like trance. For the next two hours I just sat in a chair feeling used and disgusted with myself.

it's the end of the world

I am struggling right now. It's been a really rough day and it isn't getting any better. Tot is having a seriously messed up behavior day. Most days I live with the autism spectrum crap and barely notice it anymore. Other days it just eats at me until I want to scream. Oh, who am I kidding? Until I do scream.

I scream and scream and scream. Some of it is screaming at him to please, please, please stop doing whatever it is that I have asked him to stop doing fifty times already that day. Some of it is just a loud, primal scream toward the heavens. Some of it is me screaming to get his attention because he acts as if he is deaf and can't hear what I am saying to him. (his hearing is fine, it has been tested) I can say something ten times and he makes no indication that he hears me, so I scream the words. Then he tells me not to yell at him.

I am about to go beyond my breaking point. I truly am. I'm not sure how much more I can take today. Hub is out of town on business again. Dot and Sonny are at their father's house for a couple of days. So it is just me and Tot. I am alone with the little "demon" that my normally sweet son can sometimes become. I considered putting him to bed at 6pm but I knew he would be awake at 2am driving me insane all over again.

He has been in trouble most of the day. I try to do something with him to distract him from bad behavior but lasts only a few minutes before he manages to turn what should be something fun into a freaking nightmare. It's a bad day all around. He acts up, I yell. He gets upset and I feel like a shitty mother.

It's worrying me because I get mad at him for doing something stupid and he throws out this sweet, little "I love you Mommy." It worries me because I know he is saying it because he knows he is in trouble and he thinks those words will get him out of it. I hate hearing those words as some sort of bargaining tool. It reminds me to much of his father and all the times he would start telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me whenever he would get caught in some sort of sexual deviance.

I have a five year old who is already learning the same type of manipulation strategies his father uses. What does this say for his future?

I need a break! I need a drink! I need a night out, away from all this!
It's not coming anytime soon. Hell, it is probably not coming ever again.