The Past part 6: The Next Morning

I vaguely remember Hub waking me the next morning to say goodbye. He had to work. It was just one more downfall of life in pro sports. Weekends were never free, not even Sundays. It is seven day a week work. It didn’t seem strange at all to be laying there a bit hung-over and having Hub slip out the bedroom door with a quick kiss and a whispered goodbye. At least it didn’t seem strange at first, not until I felt the body lying next to me.

I rolled over to see blue eyes staring at me. The same gorgeous blue eyes I had looked into at the bar so many times and wanted more. Now here they were, along with the sexy pilot they belonged to, in my bed. My first thought was how amazing it was to be there with him. It didn’t take long for that thought to be overtaken by the bizarreness of the situation though.

Did Hub really just head out the door for work and leave me in bed with another man? The sound of his car backing out of the driveway confirmed that he had.


I wasn’t really sure what to think of the entire situation. It was all very strange to me, but this new twist of events was the strangest of all. I didn’t have much time to ponder it though. Jesse was there, looking at me, reaching for me. His hand reached out and with it he grabbed mine. He just lay there looking at me, his palm resting against mine. We didn’t talk for a while. We just lay there, palm to palm, staring into each other’s eyes.



It reminded me of how the night had gone. Hub as always had been a strong, powerful presence. Everything with him is intense. Jesse on the other hand had been gentle and smooth. One was the epitome of rugged desire, the other sensual romance. It had opened my eyes to the differences between men.

After at least ten minutes of simply taking each other in, Jesse finally spoke, “Now what?”

“I’m not sure,” I confessed.

Jesse closed his fingers around my hand, brought it to his mouth and placed a kiss on it. “I’m pretty sure Hub wouldn’t mind us making love. I mean, he wouldn’t have left us here alone together if he did. If he didn’t want anything to happen between us, he would have made me leave. Don’t you think?”

I was completely caught up in the moment. I wasn’t used to romance. Passion, desire, an animal like need for sex… those were they things that had always brought Hub and I together. Gentle caresses, looking into each other’s eyes, romantic words… they were new to me. I was enjoying the experience of it all. So I had to agree with Jesse. I wanted him too much at that moment to argue. Besides, he had to be right. Hub could have made him leave, but he didn’t.

There was kissing and touching and more romance. Then things took the most bizarre twist of all. Jesse asked me to turn over. I really do not wish to go into a lot of detail on this blog about the more intimate moments, but this one part is very important to the story. Therefore, it must be told. I am not a fan of what everyone knows as “the doggy position”. Even typing the words makes me gag a little. To me it is very impersonal and a bit degrading. I shared those feelings on the subject with Jesse.

He kissed me deeply and flashed me his most charming smile. “Please,” he asked, “I love sex that way and my wife never lets me do it with her.”

Wife? Did I know he had a wife? I scrambled through months of conversations trying to recall any mention of a wife. I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I looked down at his left hand. There was a ring. How could I have not noticed that before? Had I been so caught up in the flirting, so distracted by those eyes, that I never noticed he wore a wedding ring?

At that moment I could no longer bring myself to look into those eyes that had always made me knees go weak. I had no right to look into them. They belonged to another woman’s husband. A woman who had no idea where her husband was at that moment. I couldn’t face him; doing so would be facing the fact that I was helping a man betray his wife. I simply rolled over and let him have his way.

He completed doing what he had set out to do and quickly rolled over. All romance was gone. He had gotten what he wanted and now all traces of tenderness had vanished. There was no more looking into my eyes. There was no more holding his hand palm to palm with mine. There were no more sweet and flattering words. Instead he was simply climbing out of bed and getting dressed. “Thanks,” he said, “but I really gotta run now. I have to get back to the hotel and then I’ve got a flight.”

I quickly got up and threw on some clothes. I walked him to the door, wanting to shut it quickly and lock him and all we had done out. He stepped out onto the porch and in another shocking moment he turned back and kissed me. Right there on my front porch where any of the neighbors could see… he leaned in the door and kissed me. “Tell Hub to give me a call about tickets to the game next week,” was all he said as he dashed out to his car.


I shut the door and locked it tight. I moved across the room in a zombie-like trance. For the next two hours I just sat in a chair feeling used and disgusted with myself.

it's the end of the world

I am struggling right now. It's been a really rough day and it isn't getting any better. Tot is having a seriously messed up behavior day. Most days I live with the autism spectrum crap and barely notice it anymore. Other days it just eats at me until I want to scream. Oh, who am I kidding? Until I do scream.

I scream and scream and scream. Some of it is screaming at him to please, please, please stop doing whatever it is that I have asked him to stop doing fifty times already that day. Some of it is just a loud, primal scream toward the heavens. Some of it is me screaming to get his attention because he acts as if he is deaf and can't hear what I am saying to him. (his hearing is fine, it has been tested) I can say something ten times and he makes no indication that he hears me, so I scream the words. Then he tells me not to yell at him.

I am about to go beyond my breaking point. I truly am. I'm not sure how much more I can take today. Hub is out of town on business again. Dot and Sonny are at their father's house for a couple of days. So it is just me and Tot. I am alone with the little "demon" that my normally sweet son can sometimes become. I considered putting him to bed at 6pm but I knew he would be awake at 2am driving me insane all over again.

He has been in trouble most of the day. I try to do something with him to distract him from bad behavior but lasts only a few minutes before he manages to turn what should be something fun into a freaking nightmare. It's a bad day all around. He acts up, I yell. He gets upset and I feel like a shitty mother.

It's worrying me because I get mad at him for doing something stupid and he throws out this sweet, little "I love you Mommy." It worries me because I know he is saying it because he knows he is in trouble and he thinks those words will get him out of it. I hate hearing those words as some sort of bargaining tool. It reminds me to much of his father and all the times he would start telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me whenever he would get caught in some sort of sexual deviance.

I have a five year old who is already learning the same type of manipulation strategies his father uses. What does this say for his future?

I need a break! I need a drink! I need a night out, away from all this!
It's not coming anytime soon. Hell, it is probably not coming ever again.

The past part 5 1/2: The Party Continues

Our little group of friends sat drinking and laughing for hours. That night we were more rowdy and obnoxious than ever; and certainly more drunk. We were celebrating Sue’s birthday with a big, loud bang. It was good to be back at Flyers and somehow this party felt a little like it was a welcome back for Hub and I as well. I think amongst our little group, it kind of was. No one knew quite what had happened, but they knew there had been tension between Hub and I and that it had kept us away for a couple of weeks. It was a relief to them to see us back and to see us happy together again.

To say that no one knew what had happened isn’t quite right though. Jesse knew. He’d known part of the story before that night, but after he and I sat talking quietly, alone for a while, he knew the whole story. I am not sure quite why I decided to tell him everything, but I did it anyway. I had revealed to him the secrets of my love life and he had revealed to me his secret desire to be with me. The dynamics of our friendship had radically changed.

Jesse’s attraction to me was not one sided. He was an incredibly good looking man with the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen. I had always had a physical attraction to him. I cannot imagine any woman who would not. He also had this charm about him that drew people in. He had the looks and the personality. Now he had added a very special ingredient to the mix. He had expressed want and desire to me. As a woman who had been lacking that for so long, it was the most attractive thing of all.

I had never been unfaithful to Hub, and despite my overwhelming attraction to Jesse, I was not going to be unfaithful now either. I would talk. I would flirt. I would secretly fantasize about Jesse, but I would not act on any of it.

Around 1a.m. the crowd had died down. Most people had already left for the night. There were little groups of people hanging on here and there throughout the bar. Our group was one of them, although even some of us were beginning to head for the door. Jake was one of us that was ready to call it quits. Hub and I both walked him outside and made sure he was deposited safely in a taxi before we returned to the bar.

As we walked toward the door Hub gently grabbed my arm. I stopped and looked up at him. He smiled at me and said, “I know you’re really attracted to Jesse and that you want him.”

I was shocked that he knew. I thought we had played it off pretty well. I was wrong. I knew the shock had registered on my face and I tried to play it off as being shocked that he could think such a thing. “What are talking about?”

Hub rolled his eyes at me, but he smiled when he did. “Look Rocki, I know I was an ass the last time we were here. You were right. It was stupid of me to expect you to want another woman in our bed when I had said no to having another man there. I’m sorry.”

At that point I was really confused. I had thought he was about to be angry over Jesse and I. Instead he was apologizing. It didn’t make sense, but I was really happy to hear him admit he was wrong. “Thanks Hub. That means a lot, but the truth is, I didn’t want to do anything with that guy anyway. He was creep.”

Then, Hub totally shocked me. “I know. I also know that you’re really attracted to Jesse. I know that you want him, and it’s obvious that he wants you. I want to prove to you that I am willing to do this for you.”

“Do what?”

“I think we should invite Jesse to come home with us tonight. I am willing to bring another guy in for you. I can’t ask you to let in a woman if I’m not willing to let in a man. I know you want him. So I say we do this.”

I was so caught off guard by all this that I really wasn’t able to think straight. I was also really, really drunk. The combination of the two was certainly not conducive to rational thought. I was able to look back later and realize that I had never really wanted anyone else in our bed with us. Not man or woman. For me it had just been the excitement of the talk. I never really wanted to go through with any of it. At that moment I couldn’t grasp that though. I had also not paid close enough attention to Hub’s words. There was something he had said that would become very important later. The individual words were overshadowed at that moment by the overall content though. Jesse, a man I was extremely attracted to, a man who had just showered me with all the words and attention I had been craving for months, a man who truly wanted me, a man I thought was off limits… had now been made accessible for me. Was I thinking straight at that moment? No. All I was thinking was that I could be with Jesse.

Hub and I returned to the bar just as Brent was calling it quits for the night. We said goodbye and returned to the table where Jesse was conveniently now sitting alone. The conversation between the three of us didn’t amount to much. We just chatted about little things. Then Jesse, as if he knew what was coming, and maybe he did, said, “It’s a shame the party has to end.” It was the perfect opening to which Hub replied, “Well you could always come back to our house and we could continue the party there.”

That is exactly what he did.

We sat in the living room for a while talking, having another drink, and watching some comedian on TV. It was very odd at first. No one seemed to know what to say or do. I can’t really remember what exactly was said. The only thing I can really remember clearly is that Jesse was the one to finally say, “We all know I’m not here to watch TV.” With that the ice was broken and we all went back to the bedroom.

I am not going to give the details of the rest of the night. I will only say that I hadn’t really known what to expect, but anything I had imagined was nothing like what happened. The biggest reality that came to me from that night was how completely different men can be.

Of course the strangest part was yet to come…. The next morning.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 5: The Birthday Party

When I last left off my tale of the past, Hub and I had just gotten into a fight. We had met a couple we had considered “swinging” with. The couple, whom I refer to as the Swinger Singers (or SS) got weird and turned into two individuals rather than a package deal. Hub had flatly refused the idea of hooking up with just the male half of the couple, but was ready to jump at the chance to hook up with the woman. Pissed off by the double standard, I had argued with him at our favorite bar, Flyers, in front of our friends. One particular friend, Jesse, seemed to be taking a big interest in what was going on, and an even bigger interest in me.

And now on to part 5 of the tale…

Hub and I argued with each other for a couple of days after our encounter with the Barracuda. Finally the air between us cooled and life returned pretty much to normal. We no longer had bedroom talk that involved making plans to hook up with anyone else. The subject had silently, and mutually, been dropped.

We had also skipped hanging out at Flyers for a couple of weeks. I missed our friends, and Hub missed the attention he got there. There was no question that we would go back. We just weren’t sure quite when that would be. Then one day we got a phone call that decided our return for us. One of the bartenders, Sue, was having a birthday. She was turning forty and the rest of the Flyers crew wanted to give her a big bash. It was all arranged that everything was going to happen right there at the bar so that even those who had to work could help her celebrate. One of the other bartenders called us to be sure we would come. Sue was one of our favorites at the bar, and there was no way we would miss helping her celebrate her birthday. The next Saturday night, we would return to Flyers.

That night was like no other at Flyers. The place was packed. Everyone loved Sue, so they had all turned out for her party. There were so many pilots there; I had to wonder if there were any planes in the sky. Every karaoke nut in town seemed to be there as well. Add to that a mix of Sue’s friends and family, and every person on the staff and the bar was at capacity. It was noisy, it was crowded, and it was a lot of fun.

At one point even Hub got into singing karaoke. Sue had somehow talked him and Terry into singing a duet. Hub’s deep baritone voice covered the male vocals, while Terry managed the female. It was quite a sight to behold; or rather, quite a sound to hear.

It tends to happen at parties that couples go separate ways and mingle with various people. This night was no different and it was just what happened with Hub and I. Had the Swinger Singers been there, or either one of them, that may have been different. Luck was on our side and they were not there that night. Well, probably not so much luck as the fact that Sue didn’t really like them and they weren’t invited. Still, it was a public place and there was always the chance that they could just show up.

I had left Hub chatting with Terry and Sue about the possibility of a repeat performance and headed to the bar. As I waited to order a drink, Jesse slipped in beside me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asked.

“I have a life outside of Flyers Jesse,” I spat at him as I flagged down the bartender. Jesse and I both ordered drinks. As we waited for them to be made spoke quietly to me, “I wasn’t sure you were coming back.”

“Why? Because Hub and I got in a little fight?”

“No. Because I thought the Barracuda might have run you off.”

The bartender brought us our drinks and we walked together toward the back of the bar. As we walked Jesse leaned in close continuing what he had been saying. “I would have been really disappointed if that had happened.”

I knew where this conversation was going. I also knew that I should try to avoid having it. At the time I needed it though. I needed to hear a man say that he wanted to see me, to talk to me, to be near me. I wanted all of those things from Hub, but he wasn’t giving them. I needed them, and so I sought them out from this handsome pilot. I was willing to get the attention I was so desperately craving from this gorgeous man who was ready to give it to me. So I asked, “Why?”

Jesse said everything I expected him to say. He told me how much he enjoyed talking to me and that seeing me here was the highlight of his week. He told me that came here always hoping to see me and to get to spend at least a few hours next to me. It was everything I wanted to hear. We sat talking alone in the back of the bar for at least an hour. Eventually Brent, Jake, and some of the others wandered over to join us. The conversation changed, but my eyes would still meet Jesse’s and everything we’d said to each other was held there.



Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

the romantic evening

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story. No illustrations are permitted. Your story can be fact or fiction, just keep it PG, please!
This week's SC is one with a twist...
You know those horoscopes in newspapers? One of those will be your new prompt. Pick one randomly from a paper or a website and write a story <100> words about the kind of day the horoscope "predicts".

First, I present you with the horoscope I found using Facebook's Daily Horoscope application:
You could be reliant on your ability to bounce back after a disappointment for a good part of the day today, Gemini. In the evening however there is an Opportunity Period that may put you in a more social mood without your having to follow your usual "withdraw and recharge" pattern. Avoid the urge to butt into others' conversations, or get your two cents in no matter what; this kind of behavior could be seriously damaging to your reputation and your authority today.


I couldn't manage to get this one in 100 words or less. I tried hard to manage it, but no matter how I edited I couldn't do it. I could not get the story out in so few words this time. So here is my effort, coming in at 126 words and still not as good as it should have been:

Jeff and I had planned a romantic evening for tonight weeks ago. I was incredibly disappointed when he called earlier and cancelled because he wasn’t feeling well. I decided I would just sit home in my pj’s watching sad movies and eating junk. When Rosie called to invite me to a party I was going to say no, but she wasn’t having it.

I was fixing myself a drink when I overheard two women whispering about Jeff. I managed to catch, “Jeff gave her some line about being sick”.

I couldn’t help myself and butted in loudly; demanding they tell me what was going on.

Just then Jeff walked in with a small black velvet box in his hand and a hurt look in his eyes.

take a deep breath

Back on October 12th, I had written a post about crashing back down to the bottom. If you missed it, is can be found here.

Yesterday was Dot's first court appearance. Not that she actually appeared in court. We went to the courthouse for juvenile cases and sat down to wait. Luckily, she was one of the very first cases. (i have sat many hours waiting for a case to be called before when dealing with family court. it can be brutal!) She wasn't called into court though, she was called by the court appointed attorney. For those unfamiliar, which I hope most of you are because you don't want to have to be familiar with any of this........ you will almost always meet with a lawyer first to try to find a way to get out of actually having to go into court. For Dot, that meant filing for a diversion. We went through a long application process for this, but the application is now indeed filed. It is time to wait for her to get scheduled for a diversion interview. After that they will determine if she qualifies. It was a first offense, and she has never been in any kind of trouble before or since. Her chances should be good, but I am still crossing fingers and saying prayers.

For now, we are just glad to have this first step out of the way.

If she qualifies for diversion none of this will ever go on her record. The charges get completely dropped and it is as if it never happened. Well.... she not only has to qualify for diversion, but she also has to live up to the restrictions which are a lot like probation. Shouldn't be a problem. She is a good kid that got mixed up with a bad kid is all.

I feel like I can breathe a little easier for now.

And the final grade is....

It's an A!
With a final grade of 97.23% in my health class.
Hurray!!!

as for the other class, the one I was sure would be a B at best after taking the final.....


it's an A as well!!!
only a 93.2% in that class, but that is still an A!
Hurray again!!!