In my former tales of the past there was a lot of confusion going on within me. There was also disgust with myself over it all. This tale, this event, is quite different.
For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.
The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.
The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......
Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)
As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Time To Revisit The Past - Again
It's funny....
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.
Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.
So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.
I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.
There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.
I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.
When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.
Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.
So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.
I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.
There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.
I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.
When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Do You Know What Those Lights are For???
The world is in far too big of a hurry. Nothing matters to anyone but themselves and their own agenda anymore.
I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.
As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.
Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.
I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.
Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.
I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.
As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.
Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.
I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.
Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
the here and now
I am alive and mostly well.
Things haven't changed around here much.
I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.
I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.
More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.
Things haven't changed around here much.
I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.
I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.
More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Book That Wanted to Stay Lost
About a year ago I borrowed some books from a woman I had met at church. She had discovered her husband had an addiction to internet porn about two years before that. They had gone through counceling and her husband was regularly involved with an addiction group. Their marriage had been saved and things were going well. She thought these books would be good for Hubs and I. One was for the wives of sex addicts, one was for men who struggled with sex addiction (in the internet form more than actual physical contact form), and the third was about learning to forgive and learning how to apologize with sincerity.
I borrowed the books and niether Hubs nor I ever actually read any of them. I held on to them thinking that maybe someday we would read them. Thinking that we probably should read them. After a year I decided we were not ever actually going to read the books. I told the woman who loaned them to me that I was sorry we had held on to them for so long and that I would get them back to her the next week at church. She said it was no big deal. Then she went on to say that she really didn't care if she got them back with exception of the one about apologies because they knew several people who could benefit from that one. So I went home and gathered up the books. The only problem was that I could only find two of them. The missing one? You guessed it; it was the only one she actually wanted back.
I spent a few days turning the house upside down looking for it. Then I remembered that Hubs had taken it (okay, i had put it in his suitcase hoping he would look at it) on a road trip. It was a rather long trip. One in which he probably would have actually unpacked the suitcase. At that point I was pretty sure the book had been left in a hotel room somewhere. I felt bad about losing the book so I ordered a used copy from A*azon. Even used it was not cheap. Today as I was getting ready for church I went to get the books so I could take them back to the woman who had loaned them to me. Funny how she didn't care if she got them back when I brought them up, but then just three days later she emailed me asking me to bring them all to church because there was a couple she felt needed them. (ya, she is one of THOSE women. the kind that feels the need to fix anyone and everyone) So I am gathering up the books and guess what.... I cannot find the stupid book again. I just got it in the mail a couple of days ago and now I cannot find it! How does that even happen?!?
I did not go to the early service of church because I did not want to go without the book. Now it is almost time to leave if I am going to make the second service. Still no book. Considering not going. All this because of a book that I didn't read that I am sure would not have magically solved all our problems anyway. I don't think I am going to borrow any more books from people. I don't need the added stress.
I borrowed the books and niether Hubs nor I ever actually read any of them. I held on to them thinking that maybe someday we would read them. Thinking that we probably should read them. After a year I decided we were not ever actually going to read the books. I told the woman who loaned them to me that I was sorry we had held on to them for so long and that I would get them back to her the next week at church. She said it was no big deal. Then she went on to say that she really didn't care if she got them back with exception of the one about apologies because they knew several people who could benefit from that one. So I went home and gathered up the books. The only problem was that I could only find two of them. The missing one? You guessed it; it was the only one she actually wanted back.
I spent a few days turning the house upside down looking for it. Then I remembered that Hubs had taken it (okay, i had put it in his suitcase hoping he would look at it) on a road trip. It was a rather long trip. One in which he probably would have actually unpacked the suitcase. At that point I was pretty sure the book had been left in a hotel room somewhere. I felt bad about losing the book so I ordered a used copy from A*azon. Even used it was not cheap. Today as I was getting ready for church I went to get the books so I could take them back to the woman who had loaned them to me. Funny how she didn't care if she got them back when I brought them up, but then just three days later she emailed me asking me to bring them all to church because there was a couple she felt needed them. (ya, she is one of THOSE women. the kind that feels the need to fix anyone and everyone) So I am gathering up the books and guess what.... I cannot find the stupid book again. I just got it in the mail a couple of days ago and now I cannot find it! How does that even happen?!?
I did not go to the early service of church because I did not want to go without the book. Now it is almost time to leave if I am going to make the second service. Still no book. Considering not going. All this because of a book that I didn't read that I am sure would not have magically solved all our problems anyway. I don't think I am going to borrow any more books from people. I don't need the added stress.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Is that? No, it can't be. Oh, yes it is. Crap!
Tot started Kindergarten this year. There are certainly some things that I was hoping he would get out of this new school experience. Socialization for sure is number one. Education falls second to socialization because he has already learned everything at home (and much more) than he will learn in Kindergarten. Socialization is also number one because, as anyone with a child who has a high functioning form of autism will tell you, social skills are a huge area of concern and one of the biggest struggles. So yes, I was definitely hoping that Tot would gain some progress in this area and maybe even make some good friends.
What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!
I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.
One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!
To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.
What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!
I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.
One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!
To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.
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