Life is Life

I keep meaning to come here and write about The Event. I will get to it eventually. It is funny how a certain time of year can bring on the memories so vividly and then a few days pass and it all just floats back into the haziness of the past. I will get to it though, I promise. I know people would rather read the questionable details of my past than the mundane ramblings of my boring present. This blog is for me though so I will get to it in my own time. Whenever the memories sneak back up on me, and they will.

Right now life is just.... life.

There is nothing major going on. Things aren't good and they aren't bad. The marriage is still just one of convenience. Convenient in that he pays the bills and helps out with Tot in those moments when I just can't take the kid anymore. Don't get me wrong.... I love Tot and most times with him are great. But.... you don't have a kids with his issues and behaviors and never have moments when you feel like you have had enough and need a mental and physical break from it all.

It is actually kind of funny just how mundane things have gotten since I have chosen to just ignore Hubs SA crap. I live my life and he lives his. Mine is a sexless life, which is something I NEVER thought I would/could do. His is a life of virtual sex as in internet smut, phone calls, and a lot of time with his own damn hand. Whatever. I don't want him touching me anymore so have at yourself Hubs.

Like I said, life is mundane. It is the little things that irritate me now since I don't let the big shit get to me anymore. Like.... pick up your nasty socks of the floor and take them to the laundry room cause I don't want to touch those things! Even worse is the... get your disgusting underwear out of the bathroom cause there is no way in hell I am touching those and they are sitting in front of the heater vent cooking up a stink. (who does that?!?)

Right now I am annoyed because I was going to sign up to chaperone on Tot's field trip he has coming up next month but Hubs filled out the form and signed himself up to do it. He asked for the day off work so he could. I guess I should be glad he is such an involved dad but of all the field trips (and Tot's class does a LOT of them. I think his teacher doesn't like to have to actually teach) there were only two that sounded fun and this is one of them. Both Dot and Sonny did fieldtrips to this place years ago and I chaperoned both of their trips there. It was kind of my thing. I thought it would be cool to say I did it for all three of my kids, but I guess that isn't going to happen. Sure, Hubs and I could both go but that would mean spending time with Hubs and I would rather not.

I do my best to avoid contact with him unless it is necessary. It is sorting of like living with someone you are divorced from. It is weird, but sometimes necessary. Until I finish school I just cannot work full time. I need him to pay the bills. On that front things are, or at least should be, looking up. He FINALLY got a good job. Once he gave up the idea of ever working in pro sports again he was able to find something else he could do and is actually good at. He is rising up in the ranks fairly quickly so promotions and pay increases have come along. We are still not where we need to be financially but it is getting better. We can almost pay all the bills each month now. After sticking with him through the worst of the SA shit and the worst of the financial shit, I hate the idea of leaving now that he is actually starting to make some money. Why stick around through the hard financial times just to miss out when they eventually get good? That may sound like I am a gold-digger (ha!) or a user, but honestly for all I have put up with over the years I deserve a little time sitting on my ass having him take care of me.

So that is it. Life is just a series of mundane annoyances and occasional good moments. Boring but somewhat stable for now.

My grandma went to heaven and all i got was this lousy late penalty

Here I am avoiding course work. I shouldn't be avoiding more than usual. It is late. Really late. Some of it was due Friday and some was due Sunday... today is Monday. I get a 10% deduction for each day late. So the Friday assignment is essentially fucked.

My grandma died last week. You can save the "i am so sorry for your loss" stuff. She was over a hundered years old so it wasn't really a shocker. Her quality of life was pretty shit at that point so death was likely a blessing. But the real reason to save the sympathy for me is because I didn't really know her. I could probably count on my fingers the number of times I actually recall having seen her. She was not one of those warm, fuzzy grandmas. She was basically just the woman who gave birth to my father. For that I am greatful because he is a great guy despite having been raised by her.

Anyway.... for my dad's sake I went to my grandmothers funeral. It meant driving five hours to get there on Thursday. Then there was all the time spent at the funeral and then drivin to the cemetary which was in a completely different town than the funeral so it was another 40mins or so just gettting there then standing in the cold and rain and then 40mins back to town. Then the pot-luck (or in this case pot-unlucky) lunch at the church. It ate up a large chunk of Friday. Then of course the rest of the weekend was spent spending time with family i have not seen in a long time and then the five hour drive home.

In the middle of all that I needed to get my course work done. It didn't happen. So now I should be doing it so I can get at least partial credit, but my mind is just not in it. I cannot concentrate so reading is not effective at all. I get to the end of a page and I remember nothing that I just read. I can't really write the papers if I don't retain the info from the chapters. So seriously.... I am just fucked right now in regard to these assignments.

I am so over this whole school thing anyway. I only have a couple of months left but I wish I were done now. I am burnt out. I am just over it!

peering around the corner into reality

I haven't turned the TV on all day!
No movies.
No TV shows.
All I have done is school work and laundry!


I am attempting to re-enter reality. It hasn't killed me yet.

Escapism?

Society pushes and pressures us to do more, to be more. It asks questions like...

what have you done to improve the world?

what have you done for others?

what have you done to better yourself?

what are you doing to make the most of your time?

It fills us with idea like...

you must be accomplished to be truly happy.

you must work on changing your negative traits.

you must be thin.

you must be active.

you must be involved in society in some way through activities and service.

I ask...

WHY?!?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I am quite happy to just stay home and not be involved?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I do not want to improve myself?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I actually enjoy laying around the house in sweats and a tshirt watching movies?

Do I really have to be involved in something to be happy?

Do I really have to socialize with others to be happy?

Do I really need to try and change myself or the world to justify my existence?

I really am happiest when I am just comfortable being myself and yes, that means wearing sweats, laying on the couch, and watching a good movie or my favorite tv show.

Is there something wrong with that?

Is it escapsim? Am I trying to avoid "the real world" by getting lost in a movie?

Or is it just that I enjoy watching movies more than making crafts or exercising or going to lunch with friends or playing some type of sport, or playing bunko, or sitting in the park with other moms, or volunteering at the school or the church, or doing one of the million other things that women do to spend their time?

Is it an escape from reality? Or is my reality just that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that I do not have the drive to do more?

Is it wrong that I am content to be entertained rather than driven to change myself or the world?

I do wonder if this is escapism. but I also wonder why I shouldn't be allowed to just do what makes me happy without society telling me that it makes me worthless. If it doesn't hurt anyone then why should it be wrong?

So.... is it an escape from reality? or is it just my reality?

Upward

The depression is starting to lift. I am beginning to function more and more. I find myself sleeping less and doing more. Still not where I should be, and definitely not where I need to be, but it is coming.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas. I think that helps. The holidays can be depressing for some people, but I have a lot to be thankful for and so I enjoy them. We may not have a lot of money, but we have each other. Seems like a weird thing for me to say doesn't it? I am not really talking about Hub so much, although this time of year always makes him happy and more family oriented. He smiles and laughs and engages with us all. It is a tiny Christmas miracle. Mostly though, I am referring to my children. I actually like having them out of school for two weeks and home with me. (well, except the days I have to share Dot and Sonny with their father) Christmas seems to be the one time of year that even the teenagers don't mind being around family and have smiles on their faces most of the time. At six years old, Tot is just a joy to be around this time of year. The lights, the decorations, the music, the holiday treats, the anticipation of the big day... it is all reflected like magic in his big, brown eyes.

I managed to get my shit together and get the party for the homeless kids all organized and it went well. I was holding back tears when Santa came in and the kids were running to hug him with such excitement. One of the best parts of the party for the kids and their parents was getting a picture with Santa. I was amazed to see how excited they were as they crammed themselves around the printer waiting for their picture to be the one to come out. It was a very cherished treasure for them.

Perspective! When I feel like I have nothing I need only to see how much the little things really mean. I take picture of my kids all the time. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to not have a camera to capture their childhoods. No way to preserve the image a smile with missing teeth or look of shock over catching a fly ball for the first time.

So yes... my depression is lifting. I think a good part of it is Christmas. It is feeling the joy love of family. It is helping other families to find some of that joy and love as well. Sure there is plenty I could be depressed about, but there is also plenty in which I can rejoice.

Merry Christmas faithful reader(s)! I hope you experience a little joy and love as you too make the climb up from your own rocks.

Nothing

Years ago, during my first marriage, I suffered from depression. While my life has been full of plenty of stressors and depressing things, I have not actually slipped back into the hell of clinical depression again. Not until now. I see the signs and they are big, flashing neon monstrosities.

All I want to do is sleep or lie in bed. I absolutely hate getting out of bed. I wake up long enough to get the kids to school and then I come home and either crawl back in bed or curl up on the couch and go to sleep.

I have no desire to do my school work. I had a paper due yesterday that I should be writing this very minute so that I only lose 10% of my score. I do not want to write it. I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like writing here but I made myself, thinking that it would get my brain fired up and then maybe I could make myself write the paper for class. I am struggling with getting my school work done lately. I just don't want to do any of it. It would mean doing something and all I want to do is nothing. Nothing! I did manage to do one assignment today that was due on Saturday. Two days late for a 20% deduction. This will be my worst grade ever. I don't even care. I wouldn't care if I failed at this point (except i would lose my grant) because I feel as though this degree isn't going to get me anywhere anyway. It is the depression talking, I know it.

I am avoiding speaking to or seeing everyone I know. I try not to leave the house. I even hate having to go to the store to pick up milk. I decide I don't feel well enough to go to church and then I feel even worse because I didn't go. I am supposed to be helping plan a Christmas party for the kids in the homeless shelter and I have seriously slacked off on that. How terrible a person am I that I would put off doing that?!? I cannot make myself call the woman at the shelter to make the final arrangements. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to be contacting nursing homes about a group of women and kids from the church visiting and spending time with the folks living there as well as doing some caroling. Okay, I thought that sounded stupid from the beginning, but I let myself be put in charge of it and I haven't done it. No way is it going to actually end up happening now. I am a terrible person because I let myself get talked into volunteering for these things and then I am just not mentally fit to follow through. I suck!

That makes me even more depressed!

I dropped Tot off at Kindergarten at nine this morning, came home and slept on the couch until eleven. I have been awake for an hour and a half now and I want to go back to bed and stay there until three when it is time to get around to picking him up again.

The house is a mess. Laundry and dishes need done. The bathroom is gross! It really needs a good cleaning. Why can't I get up and do these things? Why do I just want to lie down and do nothing? I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.

I Knew THAT Already

One of the classes I am currently enrolled in is The Psychology of Human Sexuality. (ya, it is interesting given the history of being married to a sex addict)

As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:

"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."

oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!