peering around the corner into reality

I haven't turned the TV on all day!
No movies.
No TV shows.
All I have done is school work and laundry!


I am attempting to re-enter reality. It hasn't killed me yet.

Escapism?

Society pushes and pressures us to do more, to be more. It asks questions like...

what have you done to improve the world?

what have you done for others?

what have you done to better yourself?

what are you doing to make the most of your time?

It fills us with idea like...

you must be accomplished to be truly happy.

you must work on changing your negative traits.

you must be thin.

you must be active.

you must be involved in society in some way through activities and service.

I ask...

WHY?!?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I am quite happy to just stay home and not be involved?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I do not want to improve myself?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I actually enjoy laying around the house in sweats and a tshirt watching movies?

Do I really have to be involved in something to be happy?

Do I really have to socialize with others to be happy?

Do I really need to try and change myself or the world to justify my existence?

I really am happiest when I am just comfortable being myself and yes, that means wearing sweats, laying on the couch, and watching a good movie or my favorite tv show.

Is there something wrong with that?

Is it escapsim? Am I trying to avoid "the real world" by getting lost in a movie?

Or is it just that I enjoy watching movies more than making crafts or exercising or going to lunch with friends or playing some type of sport, or playing bunko, or sitting in the park with other moms, or volunteering at the school or the church, or doing one of the million other things that women do to spend their time?

Is it an escape from reality? Or is my reality just that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that I do not have the drive to do more?

Is it wrong that I am content to be entertained rather than driven to change myself or the world?

I do wonder if this is escapism. but I also wonder why I shouldn't be allowed to just do what makes me happy without society telling me that it makes me worthless. If it doesn't hurt anyone then why should it be wrong?

So.... is it an escape from reality? or is it just my reality?

Upward

The depression is starting to lift. I am beginning to function more and more. I find myself sleeping less and doing more. Still not where I should be, and definitely not where I need to be, but it is coming.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas. I think that helps. The holidays can be depressing for some people, but I have a lot to be thankful for and so I enjoy them. We may not have a lot of money, but we have each other. Seems like a weird thing for me to say doesn't it? I am not really talking about Hub so much, although this time of year always makes him happy and more family oriented. He smiles and laughs and engages with us all. It is a tiny Christmas miracle. Mostly though, I am referring to my children. I actually like having them out of school for two weeks and home with me. (well, except the days I have to share Dot and Sonny with their father) Christmas seems to be the one time of year that even the teenagers don't mind being around family and have smiles on their faces most of the time. At six years old, Tot is just a joy to be around this time of year. The lights, the decorations, the music, the holiday treats, the anticipation of the big day... it is all reflected like magic in his big, brown eyes.

I managed to get my shit together and get the party for the homeless kids all organized and it went well. I was holding back tears when Santa came in and the kids were running to hug him with such excitement. One of the best parts of the party for the kids and their parents was getting a picture with Santa. I was amazed to see how excited they were as they crammed themselves around the printer waiting for their picture to be the one to come out. It was a very cherished treasure for them.

Perspective! When I feel like I have nothing I need only to see how much the little things really mean. I take picture of my kids all the time. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to not have a camera to capture their childhoods. No way to preserve the image a smile with missing teeth or look of shock over catching a fly ball for the first time.

So yes... my depression is lifting. I think a good part of it is Christmas. It is feeling the joy love of family. It is helping other families to find some of that joy and love as well. Sure there is plenty I could be depressed about, but there is also plenty in which I can rejoice.

Merry Christmas faithful reader(s)! I hope you experience a little joy and love as you too make the climb up from your own rocks.

Nothing

Years ago, during my first marriage, I suffered from depression. While my life has been full of plenty of stressors and depressing things, I have not actually slipped back into the hell of clinical depression again. Not until now. I see the signs and they are big, flashing neon monstrosities.

All I want to do is sleep or lie in bed. I absolutely hate getting out of bed. I wake up long enough to get the kids to school and then I come home and either crawl back in bed or curl up on the couch and go to sleep.

I have no desire to do my school work. I had a paper due yesterday that I should be writing this very minute so that I only lose 10% of my score. I do not want to write it. I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like writing here but I made myself, thinking that it would get my brain fired up and then maybe I could make myself write the paper for class. I am struggling with getting my school work done lately. I just don't want to do any of it. It would mean doing something and all I want to do is nothing. Nothing! I did manage to do one assignment today that was due on Saturday. Two days late for a 20% deduction. This will be my worst grade ever. I don't even care. I wouldn't care if I failed at this point (except i would lose my grant) because I feel as though this degree isn't going to get me anywhere anyway. It is the depression talking, I know it.

I am avoiding speaking to or seeing everyone I know. I try not to leave the house. I even hate having to go to the store to pick up milk. I decide I don't feel well enough to go to church and then I feel even worse because I didn't go. I am supposed to be helping plan a Christmas party for the kids in the homeless shelter and I have seriously slacked off on that. How terrible a person am I that I would put off doing that?!? I cannot make myself call the woman at the shelter to make the final arrangements. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to be contacting nursing homes about a group of women and kids from the church visiting and spending time with the folks living there as well as doing some caroling. Okay, I thought that sounded stupid from the beginning, but I let myself be put in charge of it and I haven't done it. No way is it going to actually end up happening now. I am a terrible person because I let myself get talked into volunteering for these things and then I am just not mentally fit to follow through. I suck!

That makes me even more depressed!

I dropped Tot off at Kindergarten at nine this morning, came home and slept on the couch until eleven. I have been awake for an hour and a half now and I want to go back to bed and stay there until three when it is time to get around to picking him up again.

The house is a mess. Laundry and dishes need done. The bathroom is gross! It really needs a good cleaning. Why can't I get up and do these things? Why do I just want to lie down and do nothing? I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.

I Knew THAT Already

One of the classes I am currently enrolled in is The Psychology of Human Sexuality. (ya, it is interesting given the history of being married to a sex addict)

As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:

"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."

oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!

A Prelude to The Event

In my former tales of the past there was a lot of confusion going on within me. There was also disgust with myself over it all. This tale, this event, is quite different.

For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.

The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.

The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......

Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)

As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....

Time To Revisit The Past - Again

It's funny....
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.

Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.

So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.

I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.

There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.

I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.

When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.