The Book That Wanted to Stay Lost

About a year ago I borrowed some books from a woman I had met at church. She had discovered her husband had an addiction to internet porn about two years before that. They had gone through counceling and her husband was regularly involved with an addiction group. Their marriage had been saved and things were going well. She thought these books would be good for Hubs and I. One was for the wives of sex addicts, one was for men who struggled with sex addiction (in the internet form more than actual physical contact form), and the third was about learning to forgive and learning how to apologize with sincerity.

I borrowed the books and niether Hubs nor I ever actually read any of them. I held on to them thinking that maybe someday we would read them. Thinking that we probably should read them. After a year I decided we were not ever actually going to read the books. I told the woman who loaned them to me that I was sorry we had held on to them for so long and that I would get them back to her the next week at church. She said it was no big deal. Then she went on to say that she really didn't care if she got them back with exception of the one about apologies because they knew several people who could benefit from that one. So I went home and gathered up the books. The only problem was that I could only find two of them. The missing one? You guessed it; it was the only one she actually wanted back.

I spent a few days turning the house upside down looking for it. Then I remembered that Hubs had taken it (okay, i had put it in his suitcase hoping he would look at it) on a road trip. It was a rather long trip. One in which he probably would have actually unpacked the suitcase. At that point I was pretty sure the book had been left in a hotel room somewhere. I felt bad about losing the book so I ordered a used copy from A*azon. Even used it was not cheap. Today as I was getting ready for church I went to get the books so I could take them back to the woman who had loaned them to me. Funny how she didn't care if she got them back when I brought them up, but then just three days later she emailed me asking me to bring them all to church because there was a couple she felt needed them. (ya, she is one of THOSE women. the kind that feels the need to fix anyone and everyone) So I am gathering up the books and guess what.... I cannot find the stupid book again. I just got it in the mail a couple of days ago and now I cannot find it! How does that even happen?!?

I did not go to the early service of church because I did not want to go without the book. Now it is almost time to leave if I am going to make the second service. Still no book. Considering not going. All this because of a book that I didn't read that I am sure would not have magically solved all our problems anyway. I don't think I am going to borrow any more books from people. I don't need the added stress.

Just because I needed to hear it and maybe some of you do too

Is that? No, it can't be. Oh, yes it is. Crap!

Tot started Kindergarten this year. There are certainly some things that I was hoping he would get out of this new school experience. Socialization for sure is number one. Education falls second to socialization because he has already learned everything at home (and much more) than he will learn in Kindergarten. Socialization is also number one because, as anyone with a child who has a high functioning form of autism will tell you, social skills are a huge area of concern and one of the biggest struggles. So yes, I was definitely hoping that Tot would gain some progress in this area and maybe even make some good friends.

What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!

I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.

One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!

To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.

I'm OK With That

I've discovered something. Something important.

I do not want to read about sex addiction. I do not want to read about triggers. I do not want to read the sad tales of women dealing with all that comes along with loving a man who is a sex addict.

I may be selfish.

I may be avoiding.

I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is in the mood for all the drama.

I have cut a great deal of drama out of my life by just letting go of it all. I do not talk about it. I do not think about it. If there are signs I choose not to see them. If there is some sort of trigger I avoid it and find a distraction.

I don't want to feel the way I did those years after discovering Hub's big, ugly, horrible, life-altering secret. Those were horrible times and I don't want to feel horrible.

Am I happy? Not always.
Is my marriage good? Fuck no.
Am I fixing things? Nope!
Do I care? Sometimes, but not all that often.

I have sort of settled into this life. We live together. We raise kids together. We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other. Mostly though we just have boring moments of everyday life.

It may not be exciting, but it is a hell of a lot better than feeling horrible all the time. I would rather feel nothing than feel what I felt for those years of hell after finding out the truth. I will take numbness over agonizing pain any day!!!

Enjoy the Pie

It seems as though I only manage to get on this blog to bitch about little things that Hub does to piss me off lately. No deep thoughts or tales of misadventure. I think the reason for that is that the number of little annoyances Hub has been managing lately has really climbed. It seems to be a multiple times a day kind of thing.

His latest habit that bothers me to the point of screaming is leaving at inconvenient times. It seems that every time I sit down to do some class work he decides to go do something. The whole reason I choose to do my work at the times I do is because he is here to keep Tot occupied so I can actually get some work done. That isn't happening if Hub wanders off on some errand! Tonight he decided he was in the mood for pie. Actually he had been talking about pie for a couple of hours but didn't decide to actually go get some until I said that I needed to get some work done and grabbed my laptop.

He is doing this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to do my class work now. Is there some reason behind this? Is he trying to annoy me? Does it bother him that I am working toward a degree? Is he just clueless about how inconsiderate he is or is he doing it intentionally? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I am not getting any work done tonight until he gets back with his fucking pie!

it's bad

I feel so bad right now. Not bad as in sick or hurt or even hurt feelings. Just bad.

I have no energy and no desire to do a damn thing. It is not depression, even though those are signs of it. Depression would be something and this is just... nothing.

I feel nothing but bad. Just bad. And lazy... I guess I feel that too.

I don't want to do a damn thing. I don't even want to sleep, which is typically what I do when I want to do nothing. And cry, I guess. I feel like I could cry, and cry, and cry. I could cry for days and still not be done.

I just don't feel like existing right now. In a sense I already feel like I don't exist. I am here but..... am I really here?

I am nothing... and that is bad.

Blah

My family keeps talking about Hub's and my 10th anniversary that is coming up. They keep referring to it as a celebration. "oh, you'll be celebrating your 10th anniversary this year." Uh, no... no celebrating here.

Ten years. Big fricking deal.

The first five years were good (cause i was clueless). The next three were total hell. The last two have just been.... what is a good word for the past two years???? How about.... blah. Ya, they have just been blah. A whole lot of nothing going on. No love, no romance, no sex, no anything. Blah!

Celebration? Nope!