Is that? No, it can't be. Oh, yes it is. Crap!

Tot started Kindergarten this year. There are certainly some things that I was hoping he would get out of this new school experience. Socialization for sure is number one. Education falls second to socialization because he has already learned everything at home (and much more) than he will learn in Kindergarten. Socialization is also number one because, as anyone with a child who has a high functioning form of autism will tell you, social skills are a huge area of concern and one of the biggest struggles. So yes, I was definitely hoping that Tot would gain some progress in this area and maybe even make some good friends.

What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!

I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.

One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!

To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.

I'm OK With That

I've discovered something. Something important.

I do not want to read about sex addiction. I do not want to read about triggers. I do not want to read the sad tales of women dealing with all that comes along with loving a man who is a sex addict.

I may be selfish.

I may be avoiding.

I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is in the mood for all the drama.

I have cut a great deal of drama out of my life by just letting go of it all. I do not talk about it. I do not think about it. If there are signs I choose not to see them. If there is some sort of trigger I avoid it and find a distraction.

I don't want to feel the way I did those years after discovering Hub's big, ugly, horrible, life-altering secret. Those were horrible times and I don't want to feel horrible.

Am I happy? Not always.
Is my marriage good? Fuck no.
Am I fixing things? Nope!
Do I care? Sometimes, but not all that often.

I have sort of settled into this life. We live together. We raise kids together. We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other. Mostly though we just have boring moments of everyday life.

It may not be exciting, but it is a hell of a lot better than feeling horrible all the time. I would rather feel nothing than feel what I felt for those years of hell after finding out the truth. I will take numbness over agonizing pain any day!!!

Enjoy the Pie

It seems as though I only manage to get on this blog to bitch about little things that Hub does to piss me off lately. No deep thoughts or tales of misadventure. I think the reason for that is that the number of little annoyances Hub has been managing lately has really climbed. It seems to be a multiple times a day kind of thing.

His latest habit that bothers me to the point of screaming is leaving at inconvenient times. It seems that every time I sit down to do some class work he decides to go do something. The whole reason I choose to do my work at the times I do is because he is here to keep Tot occupied so I can actually get some work done. That isn't happening if Hub wanders off on some errand! Tonight he decided he was in the mood for pie. Actually he had been talking about pie for a couple of hours but didn't decide to actually go get some until I said that I needed to get some work done and grabbed my laptop.

He is doing this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to do my class work now. Is there some reason behind this? Is he trying to annoy me? Does it bother him that I am working toward a degree? Is he just clueless about how inconsiderate he is or is he doing it intentionally? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I am not getting any work done tonight until he gets back with his fucking pie!

it's bad

I feel so bad right now. Not bad as in sick or hurt or even hurt feelings. Just bad.

I have no energy and no desire to do a damn thing. It is not depression, even though those are signs of it. Depression would be something and this is just... nothing.

I feel nothing but bad. Just bad. And lazy... I guess I feel that too.

I don't want to do a damn thing. I don't even want to sleep, which is typically what I do when I want to do nothing. And cry, I guess. I feel like I could cry, and cry, and cry. I could cry for days and still not be done.

I just don't feel like existing right now. In a sense I already feel like I don't exist. I am here but..... am I really here?

I am nothing... and that is bad.

Blah

My family keeps talking about Hub's and my 10th anniversary that is coming up. They keep referring to it as a celebration. "oh, you'll be celebrating your 10th anniversary this year." Uh, no... no celebrating here.

Ten years. Big fricking deal.

The first five years were good (cause i was clueless). The next three were total hell. The last two have just been.... what is a good word for the past two years???? How about.... blah. Ya, they have just been blah. A whole lot of nothing going on. No love, no romance, no sex, no anything. Blah!

Celebration? Nope!

Why???

Why is it that everyone in the house will be in another room and doing something quietly on their own until I sit down to do some school work? As soon as I get ready to get something done... here comes every-freaking-one of them into the room and they all want to talk or just plain be noisy. Why????

Should have stayed in bed!!!

Today is one of those days in which I probably just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Actually, not getting out of bed when I was supposed to is what started it all.

Last night I went to bed early with a bad headache. Yesterday was a weird but good day that had taken a couple of unexpected twists but managed to turn out for the better. By the end of the day though it all sort of swelled up in my brain and left it pounding. I planned to just lay down for an hour or two and then get up and finish an assignment for school that was due last night. That didn't happen, so today I will be finishing the assignment and turning it in late for a reduced score. This is becoming a bit of a trend with me this term, but that is a story for another day.

I slept through the night and on into the morning. I recall Hub getting dressed to leave the house (training for a new job started today. YES, he ACTUALLY got a new job. I am shocked!) and I asked him what time it was. It was only 6:30 so I had another half hour to sleep before I needed to get up and get ready myself. I went back to sleep and when I woke up it was eleven. I was supposed to work at eight. I searched for my cell and finally found it wadded up in the blankets. Apparently I had gone to sleep with it still on me. I thought it odd that there were no missed calls. I thought surely work would have called me at least once wondering why I wasn't there. I called to tell them I had overslept (a lot) and still had a bit of a headache and wouldn't be making it in. The had no fucking clue I wasn't there!!! That, or they had no clue I was even supposed to be there. Something like that anyway. The point is, nobody gave a shit that I wasn't at work. I am so completely invisible there that nobody even notices if I don't show up!!!

Pushing aside the feelings of worthlessness at work, I decided to start working on my assignment for school. Of course my laptop battery was almost totally drained. It has become a habit for everyone around here to grab my laptop and use it without asking, drain the f'ing battery, and then not plug the damn thing in. The other day I couldn't even find the fucking thing!!! When I asked where it was, I was told it was on the table. No, it was on a chair at the table. And get this.... the cord is RIGHT THERE but the damn thing was not plugged in and the battery, of course, was almost totally drained. This shit is really starting to piss me off. Part of it (i know) is a ploy to get me to agree to buy a new computer for the house. Hub tried to buy on the other day without even consulting me, but when I found out I got him to call and cancel his order of the damn thing. Don't bitch that we don't have enough money to pay the bills we have and then try to add another unnecessary bill to the list. Moron! Anyway... I brought the laptop into the kitchen to charge it so I could do my assignment. Once I was in the kitchen and saw what a total mess it is I couldn't work on my school shit because the the mess was staring right at me and so I decided to clean.

The kitchen is looking much better. Still not done, but MUCH better. However, as I was spraying down the counters and stove top with bleach water and wiping them down I leaned against the counter. Now I have a HUGE bleached spot on one of my favorite shirts. Not planning to clean, I wasn't wearing one of the crappy tshirts I usually wear while cleaning since I have a tendency to make a mess of myself in the cleaning process. It is not as if this is a really nice shirt or anything, but it is one of favorites. It is cute and comfy and the damn thing fits without showing bulges or being so loose it looks like a maternity top. It was a feel-good shirt and now it is ruined. Shit!

The day has to get better from here doesn't it?????