Then there are the days in which I just want to cry. Nothing really happens to bring it on. No major tragedies have struck. Nothing has changed.
It is internal.
My heart, my soul is too full and it feels as though it must overflow. This overflowing comes in the form of a downpour of tears. The tears are healing. They renew me. They put me back in balance.
However, until they flow I feel heavy. Burdened. I am simply too full.
Full of what I do not know.
I only know that there is too much of something, maybe everything, inside of me and it must be released.
Today is one of those days. The weight of it all... whether all equals nothing, something, or everything... is too much to bear. It is crushing me from the inside out. I feel heavy. My heart. My soul. My body. My mind. My emotions. Every inch of me is burdened with this weight.
There is too much and it is crushing me.
I need release.
I need to cry and cry and cry until there are no more tears. No more heaviness. No more burden. No more of anything left to make me feel this way.
Another burden piles upon it all though. The burden of holding it all together. Keeping it all inside. Because no one can see this release. It is personal. It is too much for those I love and care about to witness. And so I keep the weight inside. I carry the burden and hold in the tears. I protect those I love from seeing me fall apart.
My heart and soul continue to be crushed under this weight. Until...
Until I can find time. Precious time. Time to be alone and let go. Let go the burden. Let go the crushing weight that is sucking me down further and further into madness. Until I can set myself free.
Until then....
I just want to cry.
1 comment:
Oh honey. I just returned from WI, to deal with my 89 yr old mother who's moving (FINALLY!), but is also losing her mind. no joke. This is now way past the point of no return, way past just normal, old-lady dinginess... ugh, ugh, UGH!!!
life IS burdensome. for some of us, more than others. I do not know why.
but what I think I do know... (notice i said "think.") is that life is just too damn short to be living in such heavy-hearted misery-- at least so much of the time.
There IS a reason for it. And only you know what it is. make your plan. as someone once told me.
JUST DO IT.
you're a beautiful, bright and a wonderful, warm woman. I know that you'll figure it out.
Isn't that what we're all in the process of doing, anyway? Isn't that why we all have these types of blogs? We know what we need to do. We know it and yet for some reason, its so difficult to voice.
For me, I have figured out that I really have no control over anyone anyway. My sister who does not work has leached off my mother for the last 20 years and robbed her blind,(i just found out when I looked at Mom's tax returns that mom never looked at) and WHY would she do that? Why would she let a psychotic, OCD, anxiety ridden, not playing with a full-deck,often completely out of touch with reality but highly intelligent daughter, HANDLE HER MONEY???
OMG!!!!!!!
its fear. (what Mom is afraid of, is another story)
its the fear that keeps us stuck. Its the fear that keeps our hearts heavy and weighs down our souls.
have no fear dear Rockie.
you will be fine.
whatever you decide to do, you will be fine. please know that.
(((hugs))) and great to hear from you! Love ~ L
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