Random thoughts from a tired mind

• I really need to lose about 20 30 pounds. While I had a great plan in mind to lose the weight, I just can't keep my fat ass from eating crap I shouldn't. Like right now... I was craving french toast so I made myself some. The big stuff, made with texas toast, and then smeared it with strawberry jam and sprinkled it with powdered sugar. Because that will help me lose the weight! Uck!!! I feel like total crap now. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't even hungry for craps sake!
• I'll probably go throw it all up in a few minutes. Ya, I know! I shouldn't. But I probably will. No, it isn't something I do all the time, but I do it occasionally. Whenever I really binge and eat a lot of something I shouldn't when I'm not even hungry I tend to purge. Happens maybe once every couple of weeks. I know it's not healthy. Lecturing me won't help and it won't stop me from doing it. Hell, there are times I wish I'd just go full on bulimic and purge every freaking day. That is the place I am in mentally these days. I actually wish I were bulimic. I'd prefer it to being fat. The fact that I know it will screw up my health is a big part of why I don't. Another big reason is that I can't purge quietly, so I only do it when no one else is around. I know I am on a slippery slope where I could lose control (if i even have it) and can no longer stop myself. I don't even care. I've never been fat before and I hate it. Hate it!!! And I hate myself for letting my body get this way.
• The day actually started off pretty good. I got a lot done around the house and was feeling really great about myself. (that was pre-french toast) The backyard is basically a field of dirt that becomes a massive mud pit whenever it rains. Lately it has rained enough to make Noah start gathering the animals. It's been our plan for months to seed the backyard with grass. Every time I mentioned doing it, Hubs would tell me not to because he would get to it the next day. Three months after buying the big ass bag of seed, he still hadn't done it. So, today I seeded. I didn't get the whole yard done because it is a freaking huge yard. I got a good chunk of it done though, so I hope it will start to grow fairly quickly. I also weeded my veggie garden while I was out there. When I came in, I cleaned off all the mud and then gave the bathroom a really deep cleaning. Like I said, I got a lot done and felt great about it.
• I decided that I planted my garden in a really bad spot. The back two rows are ruined. They started off really good. I could see the lettuce and carrots coming up nicely. Then the rains moved into town. Those two back rows get flooded when it rains. The water just pools up there and drowned those poor veggies. The lettuce is totally done for and I can see just one little carrot green sticking up. Most of the other stuff I planted is still doing good so far. Every now and then I lose one to some sort of animal that is nibbling them, so I hope I don't lose them all to whatever it is. I haven't seen any rabbits, so I don't think they are the problem. We have a ton of squirrels in the yard, but someone told me they don't bother veggie gardens, so I guess it's not them. I have no idea. There are a ton of birds in the yard too but I don't think birds bother veggies either. This is my first time ever planting a garden so I really have no clue what I'm doing. If anything actually ends up producing it will be a miracle.
• Ya, I totally ended up purging.
• Why can't anyone in my family learn that if you leave a metal can on the sink it is going to cause rust rings!?!? I just cleaned that room and I go in there and find a can of shaving cream and a can of deodorant sitting on the wet sink. Frustrating. Put the crap away when you're done with it and wipe off the sink while your at it!
• I had a birthday last month and for the first time in ten years Hub actually bought me a gift. He actually said, "it took ten years, but I did pretty good this year didn't I?" and was totally serious. I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes, but it was true... he really hadn't ever gotten me a birthday gift before. I guess in another ten years I might get another.
• I wanted to get him a really nice father's day gift. It's not happening now. No, not because of the birthday thing. It is because of his increasingly frustrating spending habits. He just can't keep from buying stupid crap he doesn't need, even when we can't afford it because bills are due. The other day we were at the store and he found some stupid game he wanted to buy, so I told him if he got it that he could consider that his father's day gift. He bought it. There ya go! Enjoy your crappy game when you could have had a new cell phone. Dumbass!
• Dot is starting to date and I find myself really trying to push her away from the kind of guys she shouldn't be with. How do I know she shouldn't be with them? Because they remind me of many of the guys I dated. Yikes! Don't want her going down that road. The problem with trying to tell your teenage daughter not to date a guy because he is a loser, is that teenage daughters think their mother is not only completely stupid, but also out to destroy their lives. In other words, they always want to do the opposite of what mom says. I have to find a more subtle (like subliminal) way of getting her to do what I want.
• I recently got a job. I'm less than thrilled. First of all, I don't want a job. I want to be home with Tot. He spends his days with Hub now instead of me, or me and Hub. It's better than a babysitter but still not my ideal. He lets him watch too much TV for one thing. I also like to do educational activities with Tot, and Hub doesn't do that. He thinks certain activities are too hard for Tot. That is because this child already knows how to play people and can act like he doesn't get something if he doesn't want to do it. I know better, but Hub falls for it every time. Another reason I am less than thrilled is that it is a moron job, or a monkey job. Which basically means that any moron or a trained (and not even a well trained) monkey could do it. It requires no brain power at all. It's dreadful! It is also at a place I never imagined myself working and I haven't even told most people I know that I have a job because I am embarrassed to tell them where it is.
• I actually hate working so much that there are days that I'm driving to work that I actually have the thought cross my mind that if my car crashed on the drive there that I wouldn't have to go. I would never intentionally crash my car! I want to be clear about that. But how scary is it that the thought actually enters my mind?!?
• Life really isn't all bad. I just have some really crappy thoughts in my head right now. I guess that is why I am here posting on the blog which I almost never do. I just need to get these things out of my head.

The return of Hub

The trial separation is ending. Hub is going to come back home. I honestly don't give a crap one way or another about the marriage. I need him here though. Not for me, but for Tot. I can't do the single parent thing. Not with this kid. He is too high maintenance. I just can't raise him alone. I feel like a bad mom so many times because I just get frustrated with him and end up yelling at him to shut up and go away and leave me alone. I hate that I do that and I try not to. But until you've dealt with a kid like him.... you just don't know how hard it is. Nothing ever sinks in. He doesn't learn from his mistakes and doesn't seem to be able to determine right from wrong. I guess he truly is his father's son.

My depression continues. I just want to escape it all for a little while. I'd love a vacation where I could be totally alone. Maybe not totally alone..... just without the family. Of course then I would be alone because I have no friends. Depressing!

on this night?

I can't help but wonder what Hub will be doing tonight. It's New Years Eve. Will he go out to a bar? Will he drink? Party? Go home with a woman?

We are in a trial separation, but in my mind that doesn't mean we are free to be with others. He agreed to that, but....... will he think the same way tonight???

Separation

We are on a trial separation. It was time to send the message that I am seriously thinking of bringing things to an end. There must be an end here! The question is....
will I end the marriage?
or
will he end all the stupid SA crap he is doing?

Time, and separation, will tell.

Sitting in Silence

I sit in silence, watching an old black and white film. It has something to do with alcoholism. Funny, I think, that such a topic was featured in a film so old. Not sure why it had never occurred to me that this is a problem that has been around for so, so long. Or at least I never realized it was recognized so long ago.

It is nearing 4am and still I sit and watch the film. I should be sleeping. I know that. Instead I sit and watch a film about one kind of addiction while my life unravels due to another. It's the reason I am awake. The reason I sit alone in the dark watching old movies on TV. Once more shunned by the man who should want me. The man I should not want and yet I do.

The evening started with such high hopes on my part. A few hours to ourselves. Sitting together on the couch, holding each other close. Then time to retreat to the bedroom. Everything had pointed to an intimate evening. Instead he talks about anything he can think of. Anything but us. Anything but what should very naturally be happening.

I lay there getting angry. I don't want to talk about the children. Not about work. Not about any of these stupid things he mentions. I truly do not want to talk at all.

Finally I am fed up with it all and call him out. Why? Why are you talking about these things? Why are you not touching me? Trying to be with me? Why? No answer. Only silence. We lay in silence and time ticks by. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. It's enough. I get up, taking my pillow and blanket with me I retreat to the couch.

I sit in silence and watch an old black and white film about one kind of addiction while in my mind I think of how another has ruined my marriage.

just a rant

So one of my Facebook friends is a girl I used to work with. She just posted pictures of her new house. Big, giant house. Nice neighborhood. Expensive. Fancy. Perfect. And how did she manage to move into a house like that? Her husband. All because she married a guy who has a great job, makes really great money. Ok, I know it would be nice to be happy for her. "Good for her" and all that jazz. No freaking way! Can't do it.

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I went out with her for drinks after work one night. The night got later and later, she partied harder and harder. By the end of the night she was heading up to a hotel room with the band. The whole freaking band! Not just one guy... but 4 of them. Oh! and at the time she was living with the guy that she is now married to. She had spent the whole night telling me how she didn't really love him, wasn't even really attracted to him, but he made good money and bought her and her kids stuff and took care of her. Then she ends up calling him and telling him she is too drunk to drive home and staying at my house when she's really going to a hotel room to sleep with an entire freaking band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now she's on Facebook bragging about her nice, new house that this poor guy bought for them. I want to puke! I want to scream!

I want to know why the users and abusers get ahead while those of us who genuinely love and care about people constantly get screwed over!?!?!?!

I want to know why life is so unfu****g fair!?!?!?!?!?!?!

false life

I mentioned hiding from life by living a false life online. My false life is playing a character in a game. Stupid little role playing games online. Dumb stuff like farmtown or yoville on facebook. Just dumb little games where I can put on a false identity and be someone I'm not. Games where I can earn fake money and buy fake things and have a fake life full of things I can't get in real life. It's harmless but it's not. It doesn't hurt anyone. Not really. But at the same time it takes away time from my real life. It takes away time I could be playing with the kids or exercising or cleaning the house.

I am not talking about spending a few minutes or even an hour or two playing these games. I'm talking about playing 5 or 6 hours out of the day. It's become an addiction for me. I tell myself I won't get online and play but then I do it anyway. Then I tell myself I won't play for very long but the next thing I know, I've been playing for 4 hours. I have found myself online at 2 in the morning just staring at my farm in farmtown thinking about what I will buy next and how I will rearrange the farm. It's stupid. It's just plain stupid! It's a waste of my life and I know that, but still I don't stop. Everyday I am right back at it.

I am beginning to wonder if it's much different from what Hub does. He gets online and dives into role playing games too. His are different. Not innocent games. His involve sex and women. His games involve chat rooms and adult sites. His big thing is to chat with women and play a role. The dominant role. That's his big thing. To act like he's in control. He gets his kicks from playing the role of someone who has all the power.

I don't know if it's because he feels like he doesn't have any control or power in the real world. Maybe it is. That's why I like the games I play, isn't it? Because I can have money and nice things. Things I don't have in real life. So maybe it's not that different... what I do and what he does.

Of course my games don't hurt him. They don't make him feel like he's less than he is. That's what he makes me feel when he seeks his online games. It makes me feel like I am not enough. Not what he wants. But then, if he really wants a woman that will cower down and give in to his every command...... well, I don't want to be what he wants then. I don't want to be that woman.

So we live our false lives. Mine hidden in the fantasy of having money. His hidden in the fantasy of being in control.

Meanwhile our real lives slip further and further away. Time being thrown away like garbage. Precious time. Time that will never be returned.