My Life On The Rocks

peering around the corner into reality

2012-01-17T12:26:00.001-08:00

I haven't turned the TV on all day!
No movies.
No TV shows.
All I have done is school work and laundry!

I am attempting to re-enter reality. It hasn't killed me yet.

Escapism?

2012-01-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

Society pushes and pressures us to do more, to be more. It asks questions like...

what have you done to improve the world?

what have you done for others?

what have you done to better yourself?

what are you doing to make the most of your time?

It fills us with idea like...

you must be accomplished to be truly happy.

you must work on changing your negative traits.

you must be thin.

you must be active.

you must be involved in society in some way through activities and service.

I ask...

WHY?!?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I am quite happy to just stay home and not be involved?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I do not want to improve myself?

Is there anything wrong with the fact that I actually enjoy laying around the house in sweats and a tshirt watching movies?

Do I really have to be involved in something to be happy?

Do I really have to socialize with others to be happy?

Do I really need to try and change myself or the world to justify my existence?

I really am happiest when I am just comfortable being myself and yes, that means wearing sweats, laying on the couch, and watching a good movie or my favorite tv show.

Is there something wrong with that?

Is it escapsim? Am I trying to avoid "the real world" by getting lost in a movie?

Or is it just that I enjoy watching movies more than making crafts or exercising or going to lunch with friends or playing some type of sport, or playing bunko, or sitting in the park with other moms, or volunteering at the school or the church, or doing one of the million other things that women do to spend their time?

Is it an escape from reality? Or is my reality just that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that this is what makes me happy?

Is it wrong that I do not have the drive to do more?

Is it wrong that I am content to be entertained rather than driven to change myself or the world?

I do wonder if this is escapism. but I also wonder why I shouldn't be allowed to just do what makes me happy without society telling me that it makes me worthless. If it doesn't hurt anyone then why should it be wrong?

So.... is it an escape from reality? or is it just my reality?

Upward

2011-12-20T10:04:00.001-08:00

The depression is starting to lift. I am beginning to function more and more. I find myself sleeping less and doing more. Still not where I should be, and definitely not where I need to be, but it is coming.

I am actually looking forward to Christmas. I think that helps. The holidays can be depressing for some people, but I have a lot to be thankful for and so I enjoy them. We may not have a lot of money, but we have each other. Seems like a weird thing for me to say doesn't it? I am not really talking about Hub so much, although this time of year always makes him happy and more family oriented. He smiles and laughs and engages with us all. It is a tiny Christmas miracle. Mostly though, I am referring to my children. I actually like having them out of school for two weeks and home with me. (well, except the days I have to share Dot and Sonny with their father) Christmas seems to be the one time of year that even the teenagers don't mind being around family and have smiles on their faces most of the time. At six years old, Tot is just a joy to be around this time of year. The lights, the decorations, the music, the holiday treats, the anticipation of the big day... it is all reflected like magic in his big, brown eyes.

I managed to get my shit together and get the party for the homeless kids all organized and it went well. I was holding back tears when Santa came in and the kids were running to hug him with such excitement. One of the best parts of the party for the kids and their parents was getting a picture with Santa. I was amazed to see how excited they were as they crammed themselves around the printer waiting for their picture to be the one to come out. It was a very cherished treasure for them.

Perspective! When I feel like I have nothing I need only to see how much the little things really mean. I take picture of my kids all the time. I guess I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to not have a camera to capture their childhoods. No way to preserve the image a smile with missing teeth or look of shock over catching a fly ball for the first time.

So yes... my depression is lifting. I think a good part of it is Christmas. It is feeling the joy love of family. It is helping other families to find some of that joy and love as well. Sure there is plenty I could be depressed about, but there is also plenty in which I can rejoice.

Merry Christmas faithful reader(s)! I hope you experience a little joy and love as you too make the climb up from your own rocks.

Nothing

2011-11-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

Years ago, during my first marriage, I suffered from depression. While my life has been full of plenty of stressors and depressing things, I have not actually slipped back into the hell of clinical depression again. Not until now. I see the signs and they are big, flashing neon monstrosities.

All I want to do is sleep or lie in bed. I absolutely hate getting out of bed. I wake up long enough to get the kids to school and then I come home and either crawl back in bed or curl up on the couch and go to sleep.

I have no desire to do my school work. I had a paper due yesterday that I should be writing this very minute so that I only lose 10% of my score. I do not want to write it. I just don't feel like it. I don't even feel like writing here but I made myself, thinking that it would get my brain fired up and then maybe I could make myself write the paper for class. I am struggling with getting my school work done lately. I just don't want to do any of it. It would mean doing something and all I want to do is nothing. Nothing! I did manage to do one assignment today that was due on Saturday. Two days late for a 20% deduction. This will be my worst grade ever. I don't even care. I wouldn't care if I failed at this point (except i would lose my grant) because I feel as though this degree isn't going to get me anywhere anyway. It is the depression talking, I know it.

I am avoiding speaking to or seeing everyone I know. I try not to leave the house. I even hate having to go to the store to pick up milk. I decide I don't feel well enough to go to church and then I feel even worse because I didn't go. I am supposed to be helping plan a Christmas party for the kids in the homeless shelter and I have seriously slacked off on that. How terrible a person am I that I would put off doing that?!? I cannot make myself call the woman at the shelter to make the final arrangements. I don't want to talk to anyone. I was supposed to be contacting nursing homes about a group of women and kids from the church visiting and spending time with the folks living there as well as doing some caroling. Okay, I thought that sounded stupid from the beginning, but I let myself be put in charge of it and I haven't done it. No way is it going to actually end up happening now. I am a terrible person because I let myself get talked into volunteering for these things and then I am just not mentally fit to follow through. I suck!

That makes me even more depressed!

I dropped Tot off at Kindergarten at nine this morning, came home and slept on the couch until eleven. I have been awake for an hour and a half now and I want to go back to bed and stay there until three when it is time to get around to picking him up again.

The house is a mess. Laundry and dishes need done. The bathroom is gross! It really needs a good cleaning. Why can't I get up and do these things? Why do I just want to lie down and do nothing? I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.

I Knew THAT Already

2011-11-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

One of the classes I am currently enrolled in is The Psychology of Human Sexuality. (ya, it is interesting given the history of being married to a sex addict)

As I was reading the textbook today I came across this little gem:

"it may be a sign of an adjustment problem if people use masturbation as an exclusive sexual outlet when they have opportunities for sexual relationships."

oh gee, ya think?!? Tell me something I don't know!

A Prelude to The Event

2011-11-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

In my former tales of the past there was a lot of confusion going on within me. There was also disgust with myself over it all. This tale, this event, is quite different.

For one thing the other tale ended with Jesse, the guy I had wanted, using me. Okay, yes.... Hub and I had used him too. For some reason I had thought that I meant at least a little something more to him than just a good f*ck though. In the end I had been wrong about that. It wasn't that I needed to be more than that, I just wish I had known that I wasn't. Somehow I would have been far more "okay" with it, if I had just known and been prepared for that. I didn't think there would ever be another time, but at least I knew that if there ever was that I would be totally prepared for whatever happened. I knew what to expect.

The fact is, there was another time. It was not what I expected though and I certainly was not prepared for what happened.

The tale of my experience with Jesse is far different from the tale of my experience with.......

Shit! What do I call him???
Somehow I cannot imagine him by any name other than his own. I have to though. True identities have not and will not be revealed here on The Rocks. And so I will call him Jack even though it doesn't really suit him. (i seem to have a thing for J names)

As I was saying... my experience with Jesse could not have been more different than my experience with Jack. As you will soon learn.....

Time To Revisit The Past - Again

2011-11-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's funny....
It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.

Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.

So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.

I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.

There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.

I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.

When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.

Do You Know What Those Lights are For???

2011-11-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

The world is in far too big of a hurry. Nothing matters to anyone but themselves and their own agenda anymore.

I was making my fourth trip of the day home from the high school yesterday when I nearly died. I was discussing with Dot the ridiculousness of the fact I even had to make so many trips to the school and back in a single day. Her answer to that was, of course, that we should get her car fixed. Oh honey... if I had the money to do so, trust me it would be fixed! You would think having two kids in the same school would decrease the number of school runs I have to make, but that is just not so. Not when kids are building resumes with extra-curricular activities for both their own enjoyment and the possibility of obtaining college scholarships. Nevermind the fact that these scholarships are usually massive amounts like $500 which goes a long, long way toward purchasing one book. Yes, that is sarcasm and annoyance you read right there.

As I was saying, I was on my fourth trip home from the school when I nearly died. Well, we nearly died actually since Dot was in the car too. We were nearly home actually. You know what they say, most accidents occur within a few blocks of home. I was driving along and I saw lights coming from the opposite direction. Now being the experienced driver that I am I knew what those lights meant. Of course my six year old who has no driving experience what-so-ever could also tell you that those lights meant we needed to get over to the right line and come to a stop. Unfortunately, the massive tool driving the overpriced sedan in the right lane seemed to have less knowledge of traffic laws than my Kindergartner.

Now Tool was actually far enough back that I had plenty of room to get over, which I did. That room quickly dissapeared though since Tool had to be going at least 65mph down this road with the 40mph speed limit. So when I got into the right lane in a effort to pull over for the ambulance that I could now not only see but also hear, Tool was quickly on my ass and making zero effort to slow down. I had managed to make it into the right lane but rather than stopping for the ambulance I actually had to speed up in order to keep from needing an ambulance myself.

I sped up enough that Tool did not run his expensive car up our ass. I then attempted to slow down thinking he would do the same. Certainly he must have seen or heard the ambulance by now. No, he hadn't. As I slowed he just came closer and closer to the ass end of my car, not slowing at all himself. I nearly sped up again, but instead I eased off the gas slowing even more hoping Tool would catch a clue and slow the fuck down. Instead he swerved over into the left lane to speed past me. Finally I was able to stop as my entire arsenal of profanities spewed from my mouth directed at Tool who finally spotted the ambulance and hit his brakes stopping in the left lane just as the ambulance drove past him.

Now the smart thing to do would have probably been to stay stopped until Tool drove off. I am not one to choose the smart thing though. Instead of staying put I hit the gas, veered over into the left lane in front of Tool, drove the last block before the turn into my neighborhood and then stopped dead in front of him to wait for my chance to turn. It was quite gratifying to look in my rearview mirror and see the look of contrition on Tool's face as he sat patiently waiting for me to make my turn.

the here and now

2011-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am alive and mostly well.

Things haven't changed around here much.

I found the book I was talking about in the last post. Found both of them actually. The one I originally lost and the one I bought to replace it. So now I own a copy of this rather unhelpful book.

I feel as though I am ready to devote more time to this blog again. I feel like I need it again, just not for the same reasons.

More later. Tot gets out of school in 3 minutes and it is at least a 5 minute walk to his school. Gotta run.

The Book That Wanted to Stay Lost

2011-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I borrowed some books from a woman I had met at church. She had discovered her husband had an addiction to internet porn about two years before that. They had gone through counceling and her husband was regularly involved with an addiction group. Their marriage had been saved and things were going well. She thought these books would be good for Hubs and I. One was for the wives of sex addicts, one was for men who struggled with sex addiction (in the internet form more than actual physical contact form), and the third was about learning to forgive and learning how to apologize with sincerity.

I borrowed the books and niether Hubs nor I ever actually read any of them. I held on to them thinking that maybe someday we would read them. Thinking that we probably should read them. After a year I decided we were not ever actually going to read the books. I told the woman who loaned them to me that I was sorry we had held on to them for so long and that I would get them back to her the next week at church. She said it was no big deal. Then she went on to say that she really didn't care if she got them back with exception of the one about apologies because they knew several people who could benefit from that one. So I went home and gathered up the books. The only problem was that I could only find two of them. The missing one? You guessed it; it was the only one she actually wanted back.

I spent a few days turning the house upside down looking for it. Then I remembered that Hubs had taken it (okay, i had put it in his suitcase hoping he would look at it) on a road trip. It was a rather long trip. One in which he probably would have actually unpacked the suitcase. At that point I was pretty sure the book had been left in a hotel room somewhere. I felt bad about losing the book so I ordered a used copy from A*azon. Even used it was not cheap. Today as I was getting ready for church I went to get the books so I could take them back to the woman who had loaned them to me. Funny how she didn't care if she got them back when I brought them up, but then just three days later she emailed me asking me to bring them all to church because there was a couple she felt needed them. (ya, she is one of THOSE women. the kind that feels the need to fix anyone and everyone) So I am gathering up the books and guess what.... I cannot find the stupid book again. I just got it in the mail a couple of days ago and now I cannot find it! How does that even happen?!?

I did not go to the early service of church because I did not want to go without the book. Now it is almost time to leave if I am going to make the second service. Still no book. Considering not going. All this because of a book that I didn't read that I am sure would not have magically solved all our problems anyway. I don't think I am going to borrow any more books from people. I don't need the added stress.

Just because I needed to hear it and maybe some of you do too

2011-09-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

Is that? No, it can't be. Oh, yes it is. Crap!

2011-08-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Tot started Kindergarten this year. There are certainly some things that I was hoping he would get out of this new school experience. Socialization for sure is number one. Education falls second to socialization because he has already learned everything at home (and much more) than he will learn in Kindergarten. Socialization is also number one because, as anyone with a child who has a high functioning form of autism will tell you, social skills are a huge area of concern and one of the biggest struggles. So yes, I was definitely hoping that Tot would gain some progress in this area and maybe even make some good friends.

What I wasn't hoping for Tot to get out of Kindergarten is the one thing he has gotten so far. Head lice!

I certainly did not plan to spend my entire day today washing linens and clothes, disinfecting toys and mattresses, and basically super cleaning every square inch of my house, but that is what I have been doing none the less.

One of the worst things about this is the fact that today was the first day that Tot was actually excited to go to school. After a couple of weeks dragging the kid out the door and of tear filled drop-offs he was finally eager to go to school. We were one our way, him bouncing with excitement, when I noticed the little white specks in his dark hair. Crap! I now had a kid crying about not going to school. Just can't catch a break!

To add insult to injury.... I had to spend a chunk of the grocery money on the damn lice treatment and a super size jug of laundry detergent. Looks like mac-n-cheese for dinner again.

I'm OK With That

2011-07-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I've discovered something. Something important.

I do not want to read about sex addiction. I do not want to read about triggers. I do not want to read the sad tales of women dealing with all that comes along with loving a man who is a sex addict.

I may be selfish.

I may be avoiding.

I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is in the mood for all the drama.

I have cut a great deal of drama out of my life by just letting go of it all. I do not talk about it. I do not think about it. If there are signs I choose not to see them. If there is some sort of trigger I avoid it and find a distraction.

I don't want to feel the way I did those years after discovering Hub's big, ugly, horrible, life-altering secret. Those were horrible times and I don't want to feel horrible.

Am I happy? Not always.
Is my marriage good? Fuck no.
Am I fixing things? Nope!
Do I care? Sometimes, but not all that often.

I have sort of settled into this life. We live together. We raise kids together. We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other. Mostly though we just have boring moments of everyday life.

It may not be exciting, but it is a hell of a lot better than feeling horrible all the time. I would rather feel nothing than feel what I felt for those years of hell after finding out the truth. I will take numbness over agonizing pain any day!!!

Enjoy the Pie

2011-07-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I only manage to get on this blog to bitch about little things that Hub does to piss me off lately. No deep thoughts or tales of misadventure. I think the reason for that is that the number of little annoyances Hub has been managing lately has really climbed. It seems to be a multiple times a day kind of thing.

His latest habit that bothers me to the point of screaming is leaving at inconvenient times. It seems that every time I sit down to do some class work he decides to go do something. The whole reason I choose to do my work at the times I do is because he is here to keep Tot occupied so I can actually get some work done. That isn't happening if Hub wanders off on some errand! Tonight he decided he was in the mood for pie. Actually he had been talking about pie for a couple of hours but didn't decide to actually go get some until I said that I needed to get some work done and grabbed my laptop.

He is doing this shit EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to do my class work now. Is there some reason behind this? Is he trying to annoy me? Does it bother him that I am working toward a degree? Is he just clueless about how inconsiderate he is or is he doing it intentionally? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I do know is that I am not getting any work done tonight until he gets back with his fucking pie!

it's bad

2011-07-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I feel so bad right now. Not bad as in sick or hurt or even hurt feelings. Just bad.

I have no energy and no desire to do a damn thing. It is not depression, even though those are signs of it. Depression would be something and this is just... nothing.

I feel nothing but bad. Just bad. And lazy... I guess I feel that too.

I don't want to do a damn thing. I don't even want to sleep, which is typically what I do when I want to do nothing. And cry, I guess. I feel like I could cry, and cry, and cry. I could cry for days and still not be done.

I just don't feel like existing right now. In a sense I already feel like I don't exist. I am here but..... am I really here?

I am nothing... and that is bad.

Blah

2011-07-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

My family keeps talking about Hub's and my 10th anniversary that is coming up. They keep referring to it as a celebration. "oh, you'll be celebrating your 10th anniversary this year." Uh, no... no celebrating here.

Ten years. Big fricking deal.

The first five years were good (cause i was clueless). The next three were total hell. The last two have just been.... what is a good word for the past two years???? How about.... blah. Ya, they have just been blah. A whole lot of nothing going on. No love, no romance, no sex, no anything. Blah!

Celebration? Nope!

Why???

2011-06-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it that everyone in the house will be in another room and doing something quietly on their own until I sit down to do some school work? As soon as I get ready to get something done... here comes every-freaking-one of them into the room and they all want to talk or just plain be noisy. Why????

Should have stayed in bed!!!

2011-06-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days in which I probably just shouldn't have gotten out of bed. Actually, not getting out of bed when I was supposed to is what started it all.

Last night I went to bed early with a bad headache. Yesterday was a weird but good day that had taken a couple of unexpected twists but managed to turn out for the better. By the end of the day though it all sort of swelled up in my brain and left it pounding. I planned to just lay down for an hour or two and then get up and finish an assignment for school that was due last night. That didn't happen, so today I will be finishing the assignment and turning it in late for a reduced score. This is becoming a bit of a trend with me this term, but that is a story for another day.

I slept through the night and on into the morning. I recall Hub getting dressed to leave the house (training for a new job started today. YES, he ACTUALLY got a new job. I am shocked!) and I asked him what time it was. It was only 6:30 so I had another half hour to sleep before I needed to get up and get ready myself. I went back to sleep and when I woke up it was eleven. I was supposed to work at eight. I searched for my cell and finally found it wadded up in the blankets. Apparently I had gone to sleep with it still on me. I thought it odd that there were no missed calls. I thought surely work would have called me at least once wondering why I wasn't there. I called to tell them I had overslept (a lot) and still had a bit of a headache and wouldn't be making it in. The had no fucking clue I wasn't there!!! That, or they had no clue I was even supposed to be there. Something like that anyway. The point is, nobody gave a shit that I wasn't at work. I am so completely invisible there that nobody even notices if I don't show up!!!

Pushing aside the feelings of worthlessness at work, I decided to start working on my assignment for school. Of course my laptop battery was almost totally drained. It has become a habit for everyone around here to grab my laptop and use it without asking, drain the f'ing battery, and then not plug the damn thing in. The other day I couldn't even find the fucking thing!!! When I asked where it was, I was told it was on the table. No, it was on a chair at the table. And get this.... the cord is RIGHT THERE but the damn thing was not plugged in and the battery, of course, was almost totally drained. This shit is really starting to piss me off. Part of it (i know) is a ploy to get me to agree to buy a new computer for the house. Hub tried to buy on the other day without even consulting me, but when I found out I got him to call and cancel his order of the damn thing. Don't bitch that we don't have enough money to pay the bills we have and then try to add another unnecessary bill to the list. Moron! Anyway... I brought the laptop into the kitchen to charge it so I could do my assignment. Once I was in the kitchen and saw what a total mess it is I couldn't work on my school shit because the the mess was staring right at me and so I decided to clean.

The kitchen is looking much better. Still not done, but MUCH better. However, as I was spraying down the counters and stove top with bleach water and wiping them down I leaned against the counter. Now I have a HUGE bleached spot on one of my favorite shirts. Not planning to clean, I wasn't wearing one of the crappy tshirts I usually wear while cleaning since I have a tendency to make a mess of myself in the cleaning process. It is not as if this is a really nice shirt or anything, but it is one of favorites. It is cute and comfy and the damn thing fits without showing bulges or being so loose it looks like a maternity top. It was a feel-good shirt and now it is ruined. Shit!

The day has to get better from here doesn't it?????

Little Pieces

2011-06-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

I am clinging tight to little pieces of happiness right now. When you don't have much of something (money, food, love, happiness) I figure you can handle it in one of two ways. You can dwell on it all and grow bitter and angry, or you can enjoy those little bits that you do have and see the beauty and joy in them. I have always been the first type of person. I am working on changing that though. I want to be the second type. Tonight I found myself easily, and effortlessly being just that way.

It was nothing major. An evening at home, just me and the boys. Dot is working now and Hub works mostly nights. So a night with just Sonny, Tot, and I is not uncommon. Usually we just sit, eat some take-out garbage, watch TV and complain how bored we are. Tonight I didn't want that to happen again. I pulled out some science experiment book I picked up at a garage sale that is supposed to have cool stuff for kids to do.
I found something fairly simple involving cornstarch and water. Here is a link to something like it. I know it sounds kind of silly and maybe even a little dumb, but the boys and I actually enjoyed whipping this stuff up and they played with it while I actually made dinner. Ya, I cooked! Ok, so you don't know me enough to realize just how shocking that is.... trust me, it is shocking. So after the food was ready and we cleaned up the gooey mess, we sat down at the table and ate our lovely home-cooked meal. Eating at the table is even more shocking than the fact that I cooked the food. It was a nice evening, with no fighting amongst the boys (the most shocking thing of all, trust me), the three of us actually talking and laughing with no TV involved at all.

Ya, it was just a few simple little things that won't add up to much in a few days or weeks or months or whatever.... but, for tonight it was a few moments of happiness and I am going to cling to that.

Random things that are pissing me off

2011-06-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else having Blogger issues? I cannot comment on anyone's blogs. I hate that! I have been unable to find the time for blogs in so long and now I can't even say "hi, glad you are alive and somewhat well" or "sorry life is still shit" to those whose blogs I have ignored. Blogger also keeps signing me out. If I change pages or after publishing a post... poof! i am signed out. That is the problem with commenting too. I make a comment, hit the button to post it and poof!

Hub is job hunting. Hahahahahaha! Sorry, that idea is just comical to me. I know this probably shouldn't piss me off, but everytime he job hunts it just reminds me of how "unhirable" he actually is. Seriously, no discernible job skills, no ability to win people over with a charming personality, and questionable hygiene do not add up to a job.

Can ANYONE else in the house pick up a fucking dirty dish or a stinky sock or shoe? Come on people! That shit has not been magically swept away by the housecleaning fairy all these years. Clean up after yourselves. If you are over the age of 3, you can pick up your own smelly socks and put them in the bin, or carry a dirty cup to the sink. It is not as if I am asking you to actually wash the damn things. I am a bit unbalanced, but I am not crazy enough to expect that to happen.

Stray Dog, quit digging holes in the backyard! If I can't tunnel my way out of this hell, neither can you! And while your at it.... if you're going to kill birds and squirrels at least eat the damn things instead of leaving their carcasses around the backyard. Gross!

Work. Ya, I said the worst of all 4-letter words. I have a part-time job again. I hate it. Well, it is not really the job I hate, just some of the policies and procedures. They go against my greater moral and ethical beliefs. No, I am not kidding about that. I feel like people are getting taken advantage of and/or ripped off, and those are things I cannot stand to have happen. Oh, and of course there is one (there is ALWAYS one) major bitch there whom the world would be better off without. Just yesterday she kept getting phone calls. When the phone rang for the dozenth time she said, "if that call is for me i am going to shoot myself." I very quietly said, "Oh God, in that case please let the phone be for her!" Yes. Yes, I really did!

There is more, but right now I have a bossy little turd demanding a drink. He has taken Stray Dog hostage and if he doesn't get juice soon, the dog gets it! So, I am off to save the damn hole-digging, bird/squirrel-killing mutt.

Who Am I?

2011-06-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

I am not the person I thought I would be. I am certainly not the person I wanted to be. Growing up we have so many thoughts and ideas and dreams about the person we will become. Reality can never live up to all that, can it? It most definitely has not for me.

My earliest dream was to be an actress. Nothing glamorous. I just wanted to be in commercials. It sounds silly I know. I was fascinated with commercials when I was little though. I would never watch the TV shows, but I would come running whenever the commercials were on. I loved them. From about age four to age seven, all I wanted was to be in commercials.

Around the age of seven I fell in love with Star Wars. It was at that point in life that I decided I wanted to be an astronaut. I held that dream until about age eleven when I once again began to dream of acting. I knew that becoming an astronaut would not really mean cavorting with Wookies or hanging with little green shaman who talked like Grover from Sesame Street. Still, the idea of being amongst the stars seemed so amazing and perfect.

From age eleven until around age fifteen I thought I would be an actress. I really believed I would. I am not at all sure why I believed this since I had zero acting experience and even dropped drama class in high school after about two weeks. Around the age of fifteen I realized acting was not my future and traded that dream for the dream of working in advertising. Yep, the lure of the commercial had once again taken control of my plans for the future. I did take a commercial design class in high school that I loved and did very well in. However, like all the other dreams, it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe it was meant to be though. Maybe it really is what I was meant to do, but I just managed to screw it all up and throw myself off the path I truly belonged on. That seems about right. I have this bad habit of sabotaging my own life. Whenever things are going good, I make a stupid decision that throws it all off course and sends me spiralling back down to the depths. So, perhaps living the life of some hot shot advertising exec, staying single and living in a super cool bachelorette pad and having amazing parties with my small, but wonderful group of friends really is where I am supposed to be now. Maybe that dream was the reality I was supposed to live. Instead I threw it all away for some guy. Some guy whom I decided was more important that going away to art school. Some guy who after three years I threw away for some other guy.

Of course I threw that guy away for yet another guy. Then I threw that guy away for the guy I have now, and we all know where that choice has gotten me.

This is not the life I thought I would be living. I am not the person I thought I would be.

to be continued....

LaLaLaLaLa

2011-05-07T20:37:00.001-07:00

ya, i know... i vanish for what seems like forever and then i pop back in right out of the blue with a Saturday Centus. Well, this one spoke to me. These words just had to be written.

as usual it works like this: 100 words in whatever genre you like (not including the eight words of the prompt).And the prompt this week is:

I'd like to teach the world to sing...
As long as they promise never to sing that Celine Dion song from Titanic, the hippopotamus Christmas song, Who Let The Dogs Out, It’s A Small World, My Humps, I Think We’re Alone Now, or anything by Justin Bieber. Oh! And of course as the mother of a young child I have to include anything by the Wiggles or Barney!
Sing on world! Sing on!

Fixing the fixer

2011-04-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not I am actually alive and well. I thought I should probably check in and say hi. Hi!

When I signed up for an online college program I didn't realize how much of my time it would actually eat up. Crazy! I love it though. I am honestly not sure if this degree is going to take me anywhere in life but it is doing wonders for my mind and my self-esteem. I am smart! Who knew? Just kidding. I have actually always been fairly book smart. I just make stupid life choices. Anyway... it is great to be using my mind and stretching that big grey mass in my head.

Life still has its shitty points, but it is getting better. I attribute that to feeling better about myself. I worry less about everyone else's issues now and let them try to fix themselves instead of me trying to fix them. It creates a real peace even if it doesn't actually get anyone fixed. I shall fix myself and the rest can choose to make changes and come along or get left behind!

stupid AND insensitive

2011-03-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a few weeks, but I am back at attempting a Saturday Centus this week. The prompt was perfect. I knew just what to write about as soon as I saw it. It took some restraint to stick to 100 words. That and some massive utilization of contractions. It was hard to make myself use them since it has been pounded into me through my college English Comp courses to NOT use contractions. They have saved me here on the word count though. I just ask that you pretend the words are not contracted and read them as though they are separate words because I really do think it sounds better that way. That may just be the brainwashing talking though. Ah well, on with the show as they say. Prompt is in color as always.

I give you, The Stupidity and Insensitivity of Hub:

It’d been over three months since I’d seen Hub. He was working out of state in an effort to dig us out of our financial hole. Jobs were scarce here, especially in the only industry he’s qualified to work. Despite the fact that our marriage is far from perfect, and on most days not even in the neighborhood of good, I found myself missing him. I was happy to finally get a chance to see him. He had never been accused of being intelligent, but when I realized he’d brought two of his buddies with him when picking me up, I realized what an idiot he really is.

Well Crap!

2011-03-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

I am hating school right now. One of my courses is just ridiculous. It is a topic I have zero interest in for one thing. That makes it so hard to even want to do the work. The class discusssions are awful. Most of it is opinion based, and my opinion is dfferent from pretty much everyone else in the class. I am still in class with morons. One dumbass commented on my post saying how she agreed with me and then proceeded to give examples of why she agreed that actually all proved she competely disagreed with me. Not sure if she is just really stupid or if she just did not get what I was saying. I was pretty clear on my position though, so my money would be on stupid.

The worst thing about the discussions being opinion based though, is that we really do not have to read the material to answer the questions. It is easy to get by without having to do any actual work. Of course then when it comes time to do the big weekly assignments that comes back to bite me in the ass. Actually there are some weeks when I don't even have to read the material to do the assignments, but now that is really coming back to bite me in the ass since the final assignment that is due in two weeks is going to require me to pull information from all the reading material over the past nine weeks. I am so screwed!

I was actually feeling really good this morning; thinking that I was getting through all my work this week fairly easily and that I would actually get to just relax and have fun this weekend. It is not going to happen. I hadn't bothered to look at this week's assignment until today. Big mistake! It is a really big project and requires me to write on a major current event. I do not watch the news or pay attention to current events. Not at all! Now I have to figure out what the hell is going on in the world, catch up on all the details and right a giant ass paper on it, plus include a bunch of other compare-and-contrast bullshit. Yep, I am screwed all right!

Oh! and to top it all off.... Stray Dog ate one of my favorite boots this morning!

The trouble with romance

2011-03-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

I have a serious problem. I am a romantic.

This is a problem because, as such, I am destined to never really be happy in life. You see, a true romantic is never happier than when they are falling in love. We are not particularly interested in being in love, and certainly not in staying in love. Oh sure, a romantic likes to think that those incredible feelings of closeness and desire will lead to a lifetime of happiness and that the feeling will last. It doesn't though, and then the romance is gone. No, it is not the relationship that a romantic needs. It is those intense feelings of attraction and the dreams and plans built around those. All the things that come with falling in love are like an addiction for the romantic. It is the fall that matters, not what follows.

There is nothing more romantic than those first exciting encounters with someone. I am not referring to the sexual encounters. I am talking about those first days or weeks that we spend with someone new. It is a time when all their jokes are funny, their stories are fascinating, and no one on earth could possibly be more interesting.

I have never been happy in relationship past the first year or two. I remember falling for Hub and thinking that it was the most exciting time in my life. It all seemed so romantic. I thought we would be together and happy forever. I did not really think about the forever though. If I had I would have realized things would never really work out. We were not really compatible. That did not matter then. It should have, but it didn't. I could not see past the fall. I just felt so much love and excitement and happiness that I assumed it would last. It is a romantic notion, but not a realistic one.

I can blame a great deal of our marital problems on Hub, and I would be right in doing so. But if I am being realistic, I know that even if he had not turned out to be a sex addict, things probably would not have worked out anyway. I would have gotten bored. His jokes are not funny anymore. He is no longer charming. His stories are not really that interesting at all. In fact I hate talking to him most of the time because I just do not give a shit about the things he is talking about. I have no interest in this relationship. It is boring.

I find myself fantasizing quite often about leaving Hub. It is not for the reasons it should be. It is not because I want to stand on my own and get away from the emotional torment he has put me through. I am numb to all that now. None of it really matters to me. I just do not care enough about him anymore to care what he does. I find myself fantasizing about leaving so that I can find someone new. Honestly, I fantasize more about finding someone new than I do about actually leaving. I want the thrill of a new relationship. I want the romance.

Lately I find myself watching romance movies. There is this longing in my when I watch them. I want that. I want that feeling. I want someone to be so enthralled with me that they would chase me to the ends of the earth. I want someone to love me so much that they would do anything, including laying down their life or spending a lifetime in prison (it was the theme of one of the movies i watched) in order to protect me. I want to fall in love.

I was thinking about this just the other night as I watched yet another Bollywood romance (these are my latest romance movie obsession as the stories are so much more involved and they have to fight so much harder to be together than people in our own society do). I was thinking about how desperately I want to fall in love like the people in the movie. Then I had this realization that I am getting too old for such things. Here are these young couples fighting against their parents and society in order to be together and it is so romantic and I would love to be in their place. I am not young though. People my age do not go into relationships looking for love and romance. They go into them looking for stability. I am at the age where it is more important to be sure you get a man who is going to treat you well and be able to help provide for the family than it is to have a big, romantic adventure.

I am too old for romance, and that depresses me. I have always been the girl that rebelled and went after the boy who was all wrong for me. I went after the excitement and the adventure. I went after the big, romantic adventure. Those days are behind me now. If I were to leave Hub I would need to be on my own for a while. It is the right thing to do for the sake of the kids. You cannot just run right into a relationship with someone else when you have kids. Well you can, but people think you belong on an afternoon sleazy talk show when you do that. (i know, i have been there. but that is a story for another time) Then when it was appropriate for me to move on to another relationship I would have to be practical. I would have to find a man who would treat me good, who would treat my kids well, who could provide for a family. I would have to be sensible. And really, if that is how you have to approach finding a relationship.... why even bother? What good is a relationship without romance? I have that now!

So I am feeling a bit old these days. Old, trapped, and alone. I still dream of romance, but I have come to the disheartening conclusion that it will forever be a just a dream.

Empty

2011-02-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt much like posting lately. I have always enjoyed writing (even though I am not really that good at it) and this blog has been cathartic. It has been a good outlet for me to release the emotional garbage that I have had to deal with. I think that this is a big reason why I have not been able to write lately.

I have detached myself from it all. The anger, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, all the deep emotional crap... all of it, is just missing. I am not over things yet. I have not healed and moved on. I simply stopped caring. Without all those deep feelings and thoughts there is nothing for me to draw from in order to write. Any attempts to journal events becomes simply a list of details and events. The fire and passion with which I write best have fizzled out and dried up.

I feel like an empty husk.

What am I without passion and emotion?

I believe it is something less than human. That is what I am right now. Less than human. Humans are full of life and passion and emotions and so much more. Me? I am just empty!

I am less than what I once was. And I don't know if I will ever really get myself back.

Going Off On a Bit of a Rant

2011-02-08T10:33:00.001-08:00

Why do people have an overwhelming desire to pick up small children and swing them in the air or flip them upside down? Nearly everyone does it. When it is your own child, it is really no big deal. But what about other people's children? Is it really ok to scoop up your friends child and swing them around? No, it is not. Let me tell you why.

Not all kids like it!

Some hate it.

Some are terrified by it.

Some have neurological disorders that make it both terrifying and painful.

That is why you should not go around scooping up kids and swinging them over your head or tipping them upside down.

This public service message is brought to you by the fact that Tot is one of those kids with the nuerological disorder. When he is not on solid ground, his brain does not know how to react. Think of it as his senses being strung too tight and are oversensitive as a result. Being off the ground causes real terror for him and makes him feel physically ill.

Well meaning people will attempt to "play" with him in ways he just cannot handle. This just happened a couple of days ago. My sister came up behind him (so he didn't even get a warning that it was about to happen which makes it even worse), scooped him way up in the air and then flipped him upside down. He screamed. SCREAMED!!! The poor kid was terrified. His body had no idea how to react and could not get itself regulated to this change in positioning. So Tot screamed and cried until he was put down and then he simply sat there, unmoving and cried some more.

My sister's reaction? "Oh! Does that still bother him?
WTF?!?!?!?!

Yes. The neurological disorder is still there. My son's brain has not magically cured itself.

Then, my brother-in-law pipes in with, "I thought he would have gotten over that by now. He's almost six."

No, he has not and will not "get over it". He is not a wimp. He is not a little chickenshit that needs to grow up and get over his "fears". He has a very real disorder that will affect him for life!

Physical and occupational therapy can help him to learn to cope with it, but that only goes so far. Of course insurance won't pay for PT or OT. Why? Because Sensory Processing Disorder is not an officially recognized disorder. It exists, but not officially. So what does that mean for my son?

It means don't pick him up, swing him over your head, or flip him upside down!!!!

Wait! Is That? No! It can't be! Can it? Oh for germs' sake... IT IS!!!

2011-02-04T12:50:00.001-08:00

So there is this blog I like to read that is written by a real life acquaintance of mine. Part of it is her family life and part of it addresses the needs of orphans throughout the world. (she is in the process of adopting from somewhere in Africa. i am being intentionally vague on exactly where) I share her love and concern for orphans and I truly enjoy that portion of her blogging. The family stuff is cute, but I don't know her well enough to really care if her kids built a snowman or learned to use the potty.

Recently she changed her blog design. She decided to "personalize" it. In the header she has multiple photos of her kids doing "cute" and "silly" things. One of the photos is of her son holding up a booger on his finger and examining it with great interst. (barf! gag! ugh! retch! yak! vomit!) Excuse me, I got a little sick for a moment there. A booger? A booger! Seriously? Seriously! And this big, ol nasty globber is the focal point of the photo. And of all the photos in the "cute and silly" photo collage in the header... Mr. Booger Finger is the largest one. Why? Why the FUdidiliumpCKins would she do that???? Does she really, and I mean REALLY, think that people want to see that? She cannont honestly believe that we do!!! There is no freaking way in hell she really, truly, honestly believes that anyone but her would think that was cute!!!

Well, I officially have one less blog to read now! There is just no way I am going to go look at that f'ing nose goblin every freaking day!!!!

Note to self (and to others): The number one way to get people to stop reading your blog is to post a giant photo of a booger in the header!

insert HUGE SIGH here

2011-01-28T14:32:00.000-08:00

I applied for a job that I really wanted and I know I would have been perfect for.
I felt really good about my chances.
I was seriously PERFECT for this job.
It was perfect for me.
The job is no longer listed and I never got a call.
(((SIGH)))

I had a lot of hope hanging on the idea that they were sure to call me.
I was sure this job was exactly what I needed to turn things around.
It was more than a financial need.
This would have provided me with something that I am missing deep down inside.
It could have restored my faith in myself and in my abilities.
(((SIGH)))

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!!

2011-01-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried to read instructions when there are two loud, rowdy people wrestling two feet behind you?

Have you ever tried to assemble your ideas into a cohesive thought and attempt to write them into an essay when someone is watching television at a volume of 55 just three yards to your left?

I tried. I was not successful.

Trying to complete college assignments while stuck in a hotel room with other people... just not possible!

I am ready to get back to the real world.

nobody cares what you want

2011-01-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am living life in the Twilight Zone. I must be. Nothing could feel more alien or surreal than my surroundings at this time. Ok, maybe I've got sci-fi stuck in the brain after my little tale I wrote earlier and I'm pulling references to obscure old television shows due to that. But seriously... this is a strange world indeed.

I am on vacation. I know what you're thinking, "but Rocki you are dead broke and in a massive depression about the financial belly-buster you took over the holidays! how the hell are you paying for a vacation?" Well, you would be very wise to think that way, except I am not paying for this little trip. Nope! It's the parents. They had this bright idea that it would be fun to take me and Tot on a little family trip for some good ol family fun. Sounds great in theory. In reality... it is more of a nightmare.

The biggest problem with going on a trip that someone esle is paying for is that it leaves you with no control of the situation. You go where they want to go and do what they want to do. So the kid would love It's a Small World cause he's weird like that... well, that is just too bad cause grandma hates it. Nosir, not happening. So you hate meat and the kid won't eat it at all, well that is too bad cause grandpa wants to go to the prime rib buffet. Wake up when they want, leave when they want, see what they want, eat what they want, do what they want and grin and be thankful through it all.

Is vacation over yet?!?!?

oh no you dih-unt

2011-01-22T12:17:00.001-08:00

I like Sci-Fi, but I have never actually written any. Well, I did back when I was ten but that really doesn't count. That was a phase in my life where I was convinced I was a character out of Star Wars, so we try to forget that year. Why do I bring up Sci-Fi? Because Jenny Matlock decided that it would be fun to not just give us a prompt this week, but to also determine which genre we must write it in. Ya, she chose Sci-Fi. Of course based on the fact that she mixed a line from Star Wars by mentioning a galaxy far, far away with a classic line from Star Trek, I am guessing that Sci-Fi is really not her thing. Oh well, on to my rather lame attempt at re-visiting the love of my childhood, Sci-Fi. Prompt, as usual, is in color.

“You did not just say that,” I yelled in utter disbelief. We were in the middle of the park surrounded by dozens of gruesome lizard-men. A woman went running by, screaming in terror just before being laser-blasted into oblivion. Every direction we turned there was mayhem and destruction. Bulging, red lizard eyes glowed in scaly, green faces. People were being evaporated, fried, and blasted to puddles of goo. The aliens had arrived unexpectedly and they had not come in peace. Standing next to me was my son, staring up at the spaceship overhead. And what did he have to say? “Beam me up Scottie!”

lost

2011-01-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

So I decide to rejoin the ranks of Saturday Centus only to discover we've been limited to 25 words this week. Seriously Jenny?!? 25?!? Ok, whatever you say, I can do this.

prompt is in color:

The lottery ticket slipped from my fingers and fluttered along in topsy-turvy arcs down the street. I considered chasing it, but why… it’s just one more lost dream.

stray-dog pissed on my bed

2011-01-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

See that title? That is a metaphor for my life. It is not just a metaphor though, it actually happened. Apparently it has happened more than once.

I lay down in bed last night feeling overly tired, and just plain worn down. I am soul weary right now. To cope with that I stay awake long hours and then crash into bed when I just cannot continue to function. I realize that is not the best coping strategy but it is better than laying in bed tossing and turning and thinking. Always thinking!

So last night I fell into bed completely exhausted. I snuggled my head down into my pillow and smelled a strange smell. It was not a pleasant one for sure. I took a deep breath trying to identify the smell and considered that it could be dog pee. Too tired to do much about it, I threw the pillow on the floor and grabbed another. Pillows are in no short supply on my bed. Love, tenderness, and passion... those are rare things in my bed, but pillows not so much. Anyway, I grabbed another pillow, gave it a test sniff and decided it was safe enough. It smelled like hair which means it probably needed a washing, but it was something I could live with.

**If you have been reading this blog for awhile, actually reading it, not just reading the "juicy" posts, then you will remember that a few months ago we got a dog. It was from an abused home and someone rescued it but couldn't actually take in, so asked me to and of course I could not turn the darn thing down. So there is not actually a stray dog in my house but I refer to her as stray-dog cause that's almost what she was. It is also what she will be if she keeps pissing on my bed!!! This dog has a bit of a nervous disorder. She pees a little when she is nervous, scared, upset, or excited. It is usually just a tiny trickle that escapes. I figured the dog probably had a nervous episode on my bed and had trickled on my pillow. **

I ~~drifted off~~ fell fast and hard into a deep sleep for an hour or so. That is when Tot wandered into my room, as he tends to do each and every night due to the fact that the child is incapable of sleeping through the night. I turned on a movie for him and got him settled into his little place on the floor near the foot of the bed (it is the compromise we have... he can't get his squirmy, kicking, punching, sleep-talking self into the bed with me but he can stay in the room) and went back to bed myself. That is when the odor assaulted me again.

I re-tested the pillow and it still smelled only of hair. I sniffed at the other pillows and all were fine. Well, they were all dog pee free anyway. I decided to give the comforter a sniff. Oh dear lord!!! That was it. The dog had pissed on the bed and had hit my pillow and my big, fluffy comforter. I threw it off and managed the rest of the night with some scraggly old blanket that I hide under the bed.

If I hadn't been in a state of near coma-like existence due to the intentional sleep deprivation method of putting myself into a deep sleep each night, then I probably would have checked the entire bed for dog pee. As it was, I figured I would just shower in the morning anyway and since nothing felt wet surely it was ok. It stood to reason that if stray-dog hit the comforter and the pillow that the rest of the bed had probably been shielded.

This morning after getting up, taking a power-shower, and getting Tot ready for school, I grabbed the comforter to throw in the wash. I went back into my room to finish getting myself ready for the day and stray-dog followed me in. She hopped up on the bed and sat down. I thought nothing of it. I fumbled around in my way too messy closet for a shirt and when I turned around there was stray-dog squatted down on my bed! I guess she had decided that since I had cleaned up her handy work that she needed to replace it. There she was pouring out gallons of piss, quite intentionally, all over my bed!!! This was no accidental nervous trickle.

I guess the dog has decided that my bed is her territory and she felt the need to mark it. Now I'm stuck with cleaning the whole damn mattress instead of just washing sheets, pillows, and blankets.

The life metaphor? Once again someone pisses all over me and I am left to clean up the mess!

down, down, down

2011-01-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

I have once again let the pressure of giving at Christmas take me deeper into a financial hole. It makes me feel so good to give to people. Then I am left with this horrible feeling of failure for not being able to stay afloat afterwards.

I am seriously sinking here. I thought I had money coming from Hubs. He had told me he would put money in my bank account. Thinking that, I went ahead and withdrew $200 that wasn't in there to buy Christmas gifts. I ended up with a $35 overdraft charge and then because I didn't bring the account into the positive within a week I got another $35 charged for an EXTENDED overdraft fee! Now I am $270 in the hole with no way to bring the account back up unless we don't eat for a month.

I felt so good on Christmas morning watching my kids enjoy their gifts!

Now I feel like a total loser because I am feeding them peanut butter and jelly, and macNcheese every night.

Life sucks no matter what I do. I am falling into a really bad depression right now. REALLY REALLY bad!

tiny tim can go f....

2010-12-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

"Are you ready for Christmas?" asked the perky wulmurt cashier.

"No, not really," I sighed.

"Why not?" she asked, seeming surprisingly concerned.

"I am just not in the Christmas spirit this year," I answered with a shrug of my shoulder.

An actual snarl took over her formerly perky face. "Ugh!" she snorted, "that's not right!"

Seriously? Seriously you overly chipper, snarky, little bitch?!? You're going to give me an attitude... no! not just an attitude but down-right contempt, because I am not in the holiday spirit?

Maybe you can be happy you blue-shirted, Santa loves me, upbeat, stupid-ass optimist, but not all of us can. Some of us have husbands who will be 100's of miles away on Christmas. Husbands who will probably be treating themeselves to a happy-ending massage while we're putting together some 100o piece toy that our kid just had to have but will only play with for a day, and we're slaving over a hot stove making a dinner nobody is going to freaking eat! Some of us are making do with aging potatoes, a can of corn, and that cheap ass ham you see me spending my last fifteen bucks on for Christmas dinner. Some of us are having to decide whether to actually pay the bills or to buy their kids presents for Christmas this year!!!

So excuse the f**k out of me if I'm not feeling the spirit this year. God bless us everyone my ass! Tiny Tim can go f**k himself too!!!

I am in a dark, bitter mood this holiday season. Get over it ya peppy bitch! Ugh.... I need a drink!

it really could happen

2010-12-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

It was a Saturday Centus I could not resist!!! Sorry Jenny, but I simply could not pull this one off without a wee bit of non G-rated language, but it is really only PG so not too far off. ;)

An involuntary gasp of shock escaped my lips when I opened the shoebox and saw the pointy-toed shoes, and then I laughed. It was the longest, hardest, best laugh I had since being diagnosed. The months had been long and hard. That wasn’t the worst of it though. The worst was always seeing my family upset. They would try to hide it, but the amount of effort it took them always showed. Today’s grim news had made it all worse until this very moment. One gift changed it all.

Now I held up those shoes and laughed. “I hate that God-Damned song son!”

“I know Mom, that’s why I had to do it.”

writer's note:
This week's effort is a tribute to my most hated Christmas song. I really do hate that G-D song!!! Whenever I hear it I always say, "who the f*** would want shoes when they are about to die?!?" to which my son always says, "i am totally buying you shoes when your old and about to die."

ok, since many people are saying they don't know what song i am talking about in their comments... here it is:

To Give the Boy a Gun

2010-12-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago Sonny told me that he wanted to learn to shoot a gun. When I asked him why he said, "just because I'd like to know how." I told him that was not a valid reason for learning to shoot a gun. He thought he was clever when he then said he wanted to learn to shoot a gun in case we are ever attacked by zombies.

I am honestly not sure if he was trying to be funny to distract me from the severity of the issue, or if he really believes we may one day be attacked by zombies. The kid tends to live in video game fantasy world a good portion of the time. The idea of actual zombies has crossed his mind a time or two.

I ended the conversation by telling him that if he really wants to learn to shoot a gun that he can join the military when he is eighteen. Then he would have a valid reason for learning to do so. Of course I then told him that if he joined the military instead of going to college that I would kick him in his brilliant little ass. The kid is smart. Spooky smart sometimes actually. I do not want him wasting way above average intelligence fighting in some war half way around the world.

flash forward to yesterday......

I received a text from The Idiot. The Idiot is less commonly known as my ex-husband. The text led to others. Here is the run-down of how it went:

Idiot: I want to get your opinion on how you would feel about Sonny learning to shoot a gun

Me: I would rather he not!!!

Idiot: Well, he asked me about learning to shoot a gun a few days ago.

Me: He asked me that too, I told him NO!

Idiot: I told him he would need to have hunter's safety first.

After that I just didn't respond to him. I made my opinion very clear to him. NO!!! It was ridiculous for him to continue on. I feel very strongly about this and there is nothing he could say that would change my mind.

Now, if The Idiot were a hunter and wanted Sonny to learn to shoot so that the two of them could go hunting together... then I could understand it. Then there would be a somewhat valid reason for the kid to learn to shoot a gun. (i don't like hunting, so it is not a totally valid reason to me. i don't get killing animals for fun and they sell food at the grocery store. i see no real need to hunt) Idiot is not a hunter. He has never been hunting in his forty years of existence. Is he planning to start just because his 14yo son wants to shoot a damn gun?!?

I mentioned just a few days ago that Sonny is a very introverted kinda kid. He has few friends. He is quiet and painfully shy. He isn't into sports, he is short and skinny, he gets straight A's without even trying, and he lacks confidence. He feels very picked on by many of the kids at school. He is prone to bouts of depression.

Does any of that seem like a good combination with a gun???? Hell no it doesn't!!!

To give the boy a gun would be stupid and irresponsible!

I have felt for awhile now that I should probably look into a therapist for him. Now I am certain that it is a good idea. I am looking into options now and plan to have him begin visiting one after the first of the new year.

Let the Sun Shine on Him

2010-12-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

I do not often talk about my kids here. It often doesn't seem the place. Frankly, I spend more time complaining or feeling sorry for myself here than anything else. My kids are (mostly) a source of joy for me. It means they don't really fit the mood of this sad place. Today though, I really have Sonny on my mind.

I have always been a really shy person, in a nearly debilitating way. I feel incredibly awkward around people I do not know, or do not know well. I suffer from very terrible social anxiety disorder. What does this have to do with Sonny? He is the exact same way.

My poor son is painfully shy. There are times when the sadness and loneliness caused by this are so great that they just poor out of him. He will get into a mood so low that he will simply lay on the floor near tears with his lip trembling. He tries to hide his face so none of us notice, but I almost always do. It breaks my heart.

He is at an age now where his interest in girls is really peaking. He wants so much to ask a girl out on a date, but his shyness keeps him from doing so.

Today I saw something that lifted my spirits and made me smile with pure joy for my son. I was on Facebook, wasting away precious time when I noticed Sonny's status had been recently updated. He is at school, which meant that it had been updated from his cell phone. He is technically not supposed to be on his phone at school, unless it is lunchtime. It was not yet lunchtime. I looked at the status update to see what could be so important that he needed to post from school. That is when I realized that he was not the one to write the status. It said "Cute Girl was here!" Now, it didn't really say "cute girl" it said some cute little girl's name. Yes, I looked through his list of friends to see who "cute girl" was. She really is a very pretty young lady. Here she was, announcing to the world that she was on Sonny's Facebook. I have spent enough time around Dot to know that this is a very flirty thing to do. It is a way to let someone know that you "really like them".

Now maybe not all mom's would be thrilled about the idea of their child taking those first steps into the dating world. For me though, it is like a little ray of sun shining down on my son. It is a glimmer of hope that maybe some of that social awkwardness may just be slipping away. And yes, I am indeed thrilled about that!

The Past wrap up: The Aftermath

2010-12-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

While there is more to tell from the past, this particular tale has come to its conclusion. There were a few last details that I feel I should share. The aftermath, I guess you would call it. I am breaking away from the story-like way I have been telling this tale for this part and just providing the details.

Our night with Jesse was pretty much the end of our hanging out at Flyers. It wasn't what had happened with him that stopped us from going, it was just the timing of when it happened. Training camp had started a couple of weeks before that night. There was just one last week before the season officially began. With the start of the season Flyers would once again become a post-game hangout for the players and the fans as well. That meant it was becoming a place we would once again be avoiding, whether the encounter with Jesse had happened or not.

Hub did call Jesse a couple of days after our night together. He offered him those game tickets he had asked about, but Jesse had decided to turn them down.

A couple of weeks later Jesse called me on my cell. He was making a short flight in a private plane. It would take a couple of hours to get there, he would then have about four hours of down time before flying back. He called to ask if I wanted to join him on the flight. Some of those feelings of attraction for him sparked to life and I had considered saying yes. The idea of flying in a private plane, sitting next to the pilot, had an exciting appeal to it.

I knew that the only reason he was inviting me was to help him occupy those four hours of down time. I still had a sense of loyalty to Hub that I couldn't betray. There was also the fact that I was now very aware of the fact that he had a wife. Having an affair with a married man was not a path I wanted to go down. The real truth of why I ultimately told him no was not either of those reasons though. It was remembering how used I had felt once he had gotten what he wanted and the fake romance had vanished. I didn't need more of that in my life. I already had one man in my life that made me feel like shit, I didn't need a second.

That was the last I had ever heard from Jesse. After the season was over, Hub and I didn't hang out at Flyers very often like we had the year before. I would occasionally hear it mentioned that Jesse had been there the week before, but he was never there when we were.

Someone had asked in the post comments where my kids were during all these events. I responded to that in comments, but thought I would address it here too. All of this took place before Tot was a part of our family. Dot and Sonny are my children from a previous marriage. Any nights that Hub and I were out, the kids were with their father for the weekend. I know that I may have written "the next Saturday" or "the next week" in the re-telling of the past, but the fact is that it was actually every other week that we would go out. So anytime I said "next Saturday" it was simply the next Saturday that we went out, which would actually be two weeks later. The telling of the tale is just easier to tell without having to try and include a precise timeline.

I think the fact that we went out every other week may actually have some relevance in the aftermath. I believe that Jesse would only go to Flyers on weekends he knew we would not be there because we were home with the kids. It has now been years since we have been to Flyers and even longer since we have seen Jesse. I did hear once from Brent that Jesse's wife had found out that he had been having multiple affairs. She found photos of naked women on his phone. I felt really bad for her. Turns out they had a baby daughter as well.

I also feel like I should mention that during our night with Jesse that nothing took place between he and Hub. There was nothing "bi" about either of them. Maybe that is not important to mention, and yet I still feel the need to mention it. Perhaps that is the codie in me. Once again trying to protect by making sure no one thinks the wrong thing about either of the men who used me in this situation.

I am not claiming innocence in the situation. I played my part. Mostly though, I was a sad woman desperately trying to find a way to save my marriage.

So ends this tale of our first step into swinging. I wish I could say that this was the end of our attempts at swinging, but it was not. There were still those words that Hub had said when suggesting we take Jesse home with us. I hadn't noticed them at the time, but he was certainly not going to let them go. But that is another tale.

The Past part 6: The Next Morning

2010-11-30T21:56:00.000-08:00

I vaguely remember Hub waking me the next morning to say goodbye. He had to work. It was just one more downfall of life in pro sports. Weekends were never free, not even Sundays. It is seven day a week work. It didn’t seem strange at all to be laying there a bit hung-over and having Hub slip out the bedroom door with a quick kiss and a whispered goodbye. At least it didn’t seem strange at first, not until I felt the body lying next to me.

I rolled over to see blue eyes staring at me. The same gorgeous blue eyes I had looked into at the bar so many times and wanted more. Now here they were, along with the sexy pilot they belonged to, in my bed. My first thought was how amazing it was to be there with him. It didn’t take long for that thought to be overtaken by the bizarreness of the situation though.

Did Hub really just head out the door for work and leave me in bed with another man? The sound of his car backing out of the driveway confirmed that he had.

I wasn’t really sure what to think of the entire situation. It was all very strange to me, but this new twist of events was the strangest of all. I didn’t have much time to ponder it though. Jesse was there, looking at me, reaching for me. His hand reached out and with it he grabbed mine. He just lay there looking at me, his palm resting against mine. We didn’t talk for a while. We just lay there, palm to palm, staring into each other’s eyes.

It reminded me of how the night had gone. Hub as always had been a strong, powerful presence. Everything with him is intense. Jesse on the other hand had been gentle and smooth. One was the epitome of rugged desire, the other sensual romance. It had opened my eyes to the differences between men.

After at least ten minutes of simply taking each other in, Jesse finally spoke, “Now what?”

“I’m not sure,” I confessed.

Jesse closed his fingers around my hand, brought it to his mouth and placed a kiss on it. “I’m pretty sure Hub wouldn’t mind us making love. I mean, he wouldn’t have left us here alone together if he did. If he didn’t want anything to happen between us, he would have made me leave. Don’t you think?”

I was completely caught up in the moment. I wasn’t used to romance. Passion, desire, an animal like need for sex… those were they things that had always brought Hub and I together. Gentle caresses, looking into each other’s eyes, romantic words… they were new to me. I was enjoying the experience of it all. So I had to agree with Jesse. I wanted him too much at that moment to argue. Besides, he had to be right. Hub could have made him leave, but he didn’t.

There was kissing and touching and more romance. Then things took the most bizarre twist of all. Jesse asked me to turn over. I really do not wish to go into a lot of detail on this blog about the more intimate moments, but this one part is very important to the story. Therefore, it must be told. I am not a fan of what everyone knows as “the doggy position”. Even typing the words makes me gag a little. To me it is very impersonal and a bit degrading. I shared those feelings on the subject with Jesse.

He kissed me deeply and flashed me his most charming smile. “Please,” he asked, “I love sex that way and my wife never lets me do it with her.”

Wife? Did I know he had a wife? I scrambled through months of conversations trying to recall any mention of a wife. I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I looked down at his left hand. There was a ring. How could I have not noticed that before? Had I been so caught up in the flirting, so distracted by those eyes, that I never noticed he wore a wedding ring?

At that moment I could no longer bring myself to look into those eyes that had always made me knees go weak. I had no right to look into them. They belonged to another woman’s husband. A woman who had no idea where her husband was at that moment. I couldn’t face him; doing so would be facing the fact that I was helping a man betray his wife. I simply rolled over and let him have his way.

He completed doing what he had set out to do and quickly rolled over. All romance was gone. He had gotten what he wanted and now all traces of tenderness had vanished. There was no more looking into my eyes. There was no more holding his hand palm to palm with mine. There were no more sweet and flattering words. Instead he was simply climbing out of bed and getting dressed. “Thanks,” he said, “but I really gotta run now. I have to get back to the hotel and then I’ve got a flight.”

I quickly got up and threw on some clothes. I walked him to the door, wanting to shut it quickly and lock him and all we had done out. He stepped out onto the porch and in another shocking moment he turned back and kissed me. Right there on my front porch where any of the neighbors could see… he leaned in the door and kissed me. “Tell Hub to give me a call about tickets to the game next week,” was all he said as he dashed out to his car.

I shut the door and locked it tight. I moved across the room in a zombie-like trance. For the next two hours I just sat in a chair feeling used and disgusted with myself.

it's the end of the world

2010-11-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

I am struggling right now. It's been a really rough day and it isn't getting any better. Tot is having a seriously messed up behavior day. Most days I live with the autism spectrum crap and barely notice it anymore. Other days it just eats at me until I want to scream. Oh, who am I kidding? Until I do scream.

I scream and scream and scream. Some of it is screaming at him to please, please, please stop doing whatever it is that I have asked him to stop doing fifty times already that day. Some of it is just a loud, primal scream toward the heavens. Some of it is me screaming to get his attention because he acts as if he is deaf and can't hear what I am saying to him. (his hearing is fine, it has been tested) I can say something ten times and he makes no indication that he hears me, so I scream the words. Then he tells me not to yell at him.

I am about to go beyond my breaking point. I truly am. I'm not sure how much more I can take today. Hub is out of town on business again. Dot and Sonny are at their father's house for a couple of days. So it is just me and Tot. I am alone with the little "demon" that my normally sweet son can sometimes become. I considered putting him to bed at 6pm but I knew he would be awake at 2am driving me insane all over again.

He has been in trouble most of the day. I try to do something with him to distract him from bad behavior but lasts only a few minutes before he manages to turn what should be something fun into a freaking nightmare. It's a bad day all around. He acts up, I yell. He gets upset and I feel like a shitty mother.

It's worrying me because I get mad at him for doing something stupid and he throws out this sweet, little "I love you Mommy." It worries me because I know he is saying it because he knows he is in trouble and he thinks those words will get him out of it. I hate hearing those words as some sort of bargaining tool. It reminds me to much of his father and all the times he would start telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me whenever he would get caught in some sort of sexual deviance.

I have a five year old who is already learning the same type of manipulation strategies his father uses. What does this say for his future?

I need a break! I need a drink! I need a night out, away from all this!
It's not coming anytime soon. Hell, it is probably not coming ever again.

The past part 5 1/2: The Party Continues

2010-11-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

Our little group of friends sat drinking and laughing for hours. That night we were more rowdy and obnoxious than ever; and certainly more drunk. We were celebrating Sue’s birthday with a big, loud bang. It was good to be back at Flyers and somehow this party felt a little like it was a welcome back for Hub and I as well. I think amongst our little group, it kind of was. No one knew quite what had happened, but they knew there had been tension between Hub and I and that it had kept us away for a couple of weeks. It was a relief to them to see us back and to see us happy together again.

To say that no one knew what had happened isn’t quite right though. Jesse knew. He’d known part of the story before that night, but after he and I sat talking quietly, alone for a while, he knew the whole story. I am not sure quite why I decided to tell him everything, but I did it anyway. I had revealed to him the secrets of my love life and he had revealed to me his secret desire to be with me. The dynamics of our friendship had radically changed.

Jesse’s attraction to me was not one sided. He was an incredibly good looking man with the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen. I had always had a physical attraction to him. I cannot imagine any woman who would not. He also had this charm about him that drew people in. He had the looks and the personality. Now he had added a very special ingredient to the mix. He had expressed want and desire to me. As a woman who had been lacking that for so long, it was the most attractive thing of all.

I had never been unfaithful to Hub, and despite my overwhelming attraction to Jesse, I was not going to be unfaithful now either. I would talk. I would flirt. I would secretly fantasize about Jesse, but I would not act on any of it.

Around 1a.m. the crowd had died down. Most people had already left for the night. There were little groups of people hanging on here and there throughout the bar. Our group was one of them, although even some of us were beginning to head for the door. Jake was one of us that was ready to call it quits. Hub and I both walked him outside and made sure he was deposited safely in a taxi before we returned to the bar.

As we walked toward the door Hub gently grabbed my arm. I stopped and looked up at him. He smiled at me and said, “I know you’re really attracted to Jesse and that you want him.”

I was shocked that he knew. I thought we had played it off pretty well. I was wrong. I knew the shock had registered on my face and I tried to play it off as being shocked that he could think such a thing. “What are talking about?”

Hub rolled his eyes at me, but he smiled when he did. “Look Rocki, I know I was an ass the last time we were here. You were right. It was stupid of me to expect you to want another woman in our bed when I had said no to having another man there. I’m sorry.”

At that point I was really confused. I had thought he was about to be angry over Jesse and I. Instead he was apologizing. It didn’t make sense, but I was really happy to hear him admit he was wrong. “Thanks Hub. That means a lot, but the truth is, I didn’t want to do anything with that guy anyway. He was creep.”

Then, Hub totally shocked me. “I know. I also know that you’re really attracted to Jesse. I know that you want him, and it’s obvious that he wants you. I want to prove to you that I am willing to do this for you.”

“Do what?”

“I think we should invite Jesse to come home with us tonight. I am willing to bring another guy in for you. I can’t ask you to let in a woman if I’m not willing to let in a man. I know you want him. So I say we do this.”

I was so caught off guard by all this that I really wasn’t able to think straight. I was also really, really drunk. The combination of the two was certainly not conducive to rational thought. I was able to look back later and realize that I had never really wanted anyone else in our bed with us. Not man or woman. For me it had just been the excitement of the talk. I never really wanted to go through with any of it. At that moment I couldn’t grasp that though. I had also not paid close enough attention to Hub’s words. There was something he had said that would become very important later. The individual words were overshadowed at that moment by the overall content though. Jesse, a man I was extremely attracted to, a man who had just showered me with all the words and attention I had been craving for months, a man who truly wanted me, a man I thought was off limits… had now been made accessible for me. Was I thinking straight at that moment? No. All I was thinking was that I could be with Jesse.

Hub and I returned to the bar just as Brent was calling it quits for the night. We said goodbye and returned to the table where Jesse was conveniently now sitting alone. The conversation between the three of us didn’t amount to much. We just chatted about little things. Then Jesse, as if he knew what was coming, and maybe he did, said, “It’s a shame the party has to end.” It was the perfect opening to which Hub replied, “Well you could always come back to our house and we could continue the party there.”

That is exactly what he did.

We sat in the living room for a while talking, having another drink, and watching some comedian on TV. It was very odd at first. No one seemed to know what to say or do. I can’t really remember what exactly was said. The only thing I can really remember clearly is that Jesse was the one to finally say, “We all know I’m not here to watch TV.” With that the ice was broken and we all went back to the bedroom.

I am not going to give the details of the rest of the night. I will only say that I hadn’t really known what to expect, but anything I had imagined was nothing like what happened. The biggest reality that came to me from that night was how completely different men can be.

Of course the strangest part was yet to come…. The next morning.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 5: The Birthday Party

2010-11-27T22:02:00.000-08:00

When I last left off my tale of the past, Hub and I had just gotten into a fight. We had met a couple we had considered “swinging” with. The couple, whom I refer to as the Swinger Singers (or SS) got weird and turned into two individuals rather than a package deal. Hub had flatly refused the idea of hooking up with just the male half of the couple, but was ready to jump at the chance to hook up with the woman. Pissed off by the double standard, I had argued with him at our favorite bar, Flyers, in front of our friends. One particular friend, Jesse, seemed to be taking a big interest in what was going on, and an even bigger interest in me.

And now on to part 5 of the tale…

Hub and I argued with each other for a couple of days after our encounter with the Barracuda. Finally the air between us cooled and life returned pretty much to normal. We no longer had bedroom talk that involved making plans to hook up with anyone else. The subject had silently, and mutually, been dropped.

We had also skipped hanging out at Flyers for a couple of weeks. I missed our friends, and Hub missed the attention he got there. There was no question that we would go back. We just weren’t sure quite when that would be. Then one day we got a phone call that decided our return for us. One of the bartenders, Sue, was having a birthday. She was turning forty and the rest of the Flyers crew wanted to give her a big bash. It was all arranged that everything was going to happen right there at the bar so that even those who had to work could help her celebrate. One of the other bartenders called us to be sure we would come. Sue was one of our favorites at the bar, and there was no way we would miss helping her celebrate her birthday. The next Saturday night, we would return to Flyers.

That night was like no other at Flyers. The place was packed. Everyone loved Sue, so they had all turned out for her party. There were so many pilots there; I had to wonder if there were any planes in the sky. Every karaoke nut in town seemed to be there as well. Add to that a mix of Sue’s friends and family, and every person on the staff and the bar was at capacity. It was noisy, it was crowded, and it was a lot of fun.

At one point even Hub got into singing karaoke. Sue had somehow talked him and Terry into singing a duet. Hub’s deep baritone voice covered the male vocals, while Terry managed the female. It was quite a sight to behold; or rather, quite a sound to hear.

It tends to happen at parties that couples go separate ways and mingle with various people. This night was no different and it was just what happened with Hub and I. Had the Swinger Singers been there, or either one of them, that may have been different. Luck was on our side and they were not there that night. Well, probably not so much luck as the fact that Sue didn’t really like them and they weren’t invited. Still, it was a public place and there was always the chance that they could just show up.

I had left Hub chatting with Terry and Sue about the possibility of a repeat performance and headed to the bar. As I waited to order a drink, Jesse slipped in beside me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asked.

“I have a life outside of Flyers Jesse,” I spat at him as I flagged down the bartender. Jesse and I both ordered drinks. As we waited for them to be made spoke quietly to me, “I wasn’t sure you were coming back.”

“Why? Because Hub and I got in a little fight?”

“No. Because I thought the Barracuda might have run you off.”

The bartender brought us our drinks and we walked together toward the back of the bar. As we walked Jesse leaned in close continuing what he had been saying. “I would have been really disappointed if that had happened.”

I knew where this conversation was going. I also knew that I should try to avoid having it. At the time I needed it though. I needed to hear a man say that he wanted to see me, to talk to me, to be near me. I wanted all of those things from Hub, but he wasn’t giving them. I needed them, and so I sought them out from this handsome pilot. I was willing to get the attention I was so desperately craving from this gorgeous man who was ready to give it to me. So I asked, “Why?”

Jesse said everything I expected him to say. He told me how much he enjoyed talking to me and that seeing me here was the highlight of his week. He told me that came here always hoping to see me and to get to spend at least a few hours next to me. It was everything I wanted to hear. We sat talking alone in the back of the bar for at least an hour. Eventually Brent, Jake, and some of the others wandered over to join us. The conversation changed, but my eyes would still meet Jesse’s and everything we’d said to each other was held there.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

the romantic evening

2010-11-27T08:04:00.000-08:00

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story. No illustrations are permitted. Your story can be fact or fiction, just keep it PG, please!
This week's SC is one with a twist...
You know those horoscopes in newspapers? One of those will be your new prompt. Pick one randomly from a paper or a website and write a story <100> words about the kind of day the horoscope "predicts".

First, I present you with the horoscope I found using Facebook's Daily Horoscope application:
You could be reliant on your ability to bounce back after a disappointment for a good part of the day today, Gemini. In the evening however there is an Opportunity Period that may put you in a more social mood without your having to follow your usual "withdraw and recharge" pattern. Avoid the urge to butt into others' conversations, or get your two cents in no matter what; this kind of behavior could be seriously damaging to your reputation and your authority today.

I couldn't manage to get this one in 100 words or less. I tried hard to manage it, but no matter how I edited I couldn't do it. I could not get the story out in so few words this time. So here is my effort, coming in at 126 words and still not as good as it should have been:

Jeff and I had planned a romantic evening for tonight weeks ago. I was incredibly disappointed when he called earlier and cancelled because he wasn’t feeling well. I decided I would just sit home in my pj’s watching sad movies and eating junk. When Rosie called to invite me to a party I was going to say no, but she wasn’t having it.

I was fixing myself a drink when I overheard two women whispering about Jeff. I managed to catch, “Jeff gave her some line about being sick”.

I couldn’t help myself and butted in loudly; demanding they tell me what was going on.

Just then Jeff walked in with a small black velvet box in his hand and a hurt look in his eyes.

take a deep breath

2010-11-18T09:43:00.001-08:00

Back on October 12th, I had written a post about crashing back down to the bottom. If you missed it, is can be found here.

Yesterday was Dot's first court appearance. Not that she actually appeared in court. We went to the courthouse for juvenile cases and sat down to wait. Luckily, she was one of the very first cases. (i have sat many hours waiting for a case to be called before when dealing with family court. it can be brutal!) She wasn't called into court though, she was called by the court appointed attorney. For those unfamiliar, which I hope most of you are because you don't want to have to be familiar with any of this........ you will almost always meet with a lawyer first to try to find a way to get out of actually having to go into court. For Dot, that meant filing for a diversion. We went through a long application process for this, but the application is now indeed filed. It is time to wait for her to get scheduled for a diversion interview. After that they will determine if she qualifies. It was a first offense, and she has never been in any kind of trouble before or since. Her chances should be good, but I am still crossing fingers and saying prayers.

For now, we are just glad to have this first step out of the way.

If she qualifies for diversion none of this will ever go on her record. The charges get completely dropped and it is as if it never happened. Well.... she not only has to qualify for diversion, but she also has to live up to the restrictions which are a lot like probation. Shouldn't be a problem. She is a good kid that got mixed up with a bad kid is all.

I feel like I can breathe a little easier for now.

And the final grade is....

2010-11-09T16:12:00.000-08:00

It's an A!
With a final grade of 97.23% in my health class.
Hurray!!!

as for the other class, the one I was sure would be a B at best after taking the final.....

it's an A as well!!!
only a 93.2% in that class, but that is still an A!
Hurray again!!!

fragments, run-ons, and verb tense.... Oh My!

2010-11-09T06:16:00.001-08:00

I am in a college writing course. Not the fun kind of writing course where I get to write stories. It is the boring, technical kind of writing course where we learn about grammar and such. I know I don't have perfect grammar so I am ok with taking this class. I do believe I will learn a few things and leave the class having gotten something out of it.

I am amazed though as I read some of the posts in discussion. In a class where we are currently studying grammar, there sure are a lot of grammatical errors. By a lot I mean there are posts that are almost completely impossible to decipher due to the amount of errors.
I struggle a bit with proper punctuation. I also have the occasional fragmented sentence. At least I have a basic grasp of proper English though.

I know, I KNOW! Not everyone is at the same level when it comes to education. While the schools in this city are certainly not the greatest, they are also, by far, not the worst in the country. I was fortunate enough to receive a relatively good education growing up. Not everyone was as lucky. I also know that for some of these people in my class, English was not their first language. The language does have a variety of odd grammar rules. I know it it tough to learn them all. I know! I am still a bit frustrated though.

The frustration comes from the fact that I have to interact in group discussion with people whose writing I have to work hard to decipher. In my last classes there were certain people that after the first couple of weeks I didn't even bother to read their posts. I could tell by who posted whether or not I would be able to make an intelligent and substantive response to the post. Maybe that is unfair to some of the others, but it was how I managed to get by.

One thing I would love to do is just SCREAM on the message boards for these people to type their responses into Word before posting. At least then most of the errors would be caught by Word's grammar and spelling software. Really, isn't that a good method for them to learn to catch and repair their mistakes? It works for me.

I am done ranting now. Back to class I go.

The past part 4: Barracuda

2010-11-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

After months of "adding spice" to our marriage by doing a little late night fantasizing about "swinging" Hub and I had found ourselves planning to actually make it a reality. We thought a couple who could help that to happen had just sort of magically appeared in our life. One phone call had given us doubts about them. Later, an encounter at our favorite bar with the male half of the duo had turned the whole thing into a big no deal. At least that is what I had thought at the time.

The week after the male half of SS showed up at Flyers offering to become the three in threesome we headed back to our weekly hangout. The idea of running into him again was a little freaky, but we were not going to let it keep us from going to our favorite hangout. We didn't really think he would be trouble anyway, and besides, we had enough friends there that if he tried to cause any problems we had numbers on our side. Turned out we didn't need to worry about it at all anyway, he was not there.

He wasn't, but the female half of SS was.

Now, we had no idea what the real story with these two people actually was. She had referred to him as her husband, and he had stated they were divorced. Up until the week before we had always seen the two of them at the bar together, but that past week it had been just him. Now it was just her.

In my mind we had already written this couple off as being creepy and didn't want to have anything more to do with them than a passing hello. For me the idea of even talking to them was now taboo. They had given off a weird vibe, the guy had totally creeped us out, and to top it all off, everyone knew they were swingers. If I were to ever dive into that world I wanted it to be totally secret. Just being seen talking to them made me feel like our friends would think there was something going on. Our friend Jesse, the handsome and mischievous pilot, certainly caught on to the concept that something was up. I felt lucky that he thought it was just the SS coming on to us, and he thought that we had politely refused. I didn't want to risk anyone else figuring that much out, and I didn't want him figuring out there was more to the story.

Hub on the other hand, didn't seem to see anything wrong with the female half of SS walking up to us and striking up a conversation. Jesse must have been a fantastic pilot because the man had the eyes of an eagle. They saw everything and didn't miss any details. Hub and I were at the bar when female SS had walked up and started talking to us. While I had turned my attention to the bowl of pretzels, Hub had turned his attention to her. As I contemplated whether I should shove the pretzel in my hand down Hub's throat or the female SS's, Jesse snuck up on my other side.

He leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "It appears the team has broken up and they're going it alone these days."
I stared at my pretzel and managed to mutter something like, "Mmmmhmmm".
"So, last week the creep was flying solo?"
"Yep."
"This week it's the barracuda flying solo," he whispered, emphasized with an elbow jab to my ribs.
He managed to get a half smile out of me, "it appears so."
"So I wonder then...." he paused waiting for me to look at him. Always that hunger for my full attention. He would not continue until I was once again looking into those pools of blue. When he had my attention he went on, "if Hub said no to him..." this time a pause for effect. "what do you suppose he will say to her?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. I just kept looking into his eyes wondering how he always managed to know exactly what I was thinking.
"He'll say yes," I said with certainty.
"Undoubtedly so," he said with a look of concern. Then he leaned in even closer and asked, "and what will you say Rocki? Will you tuck your tail between your legs and cower down? Are you going to blindly follow along with what Hub wants, or will you stick to your guns?"
It was like a slap in the face. How? How in the hell could this man possibly know what my life was like? Somehow he could see right through me and into my deepest thoughts and worries.
He asked again, "well Rocki? What will you say?"
That was it, I couldn't take it. I looked him in the eyes and whispered back, "Fuck you Jesse!"
He leaned back and that devilish smile of his spread across his face, "anytime you want to Rocki" and he got up and walked away.

I watched him walk back to the corner table where he sat and stared at me. I turned toward Hub and wondered how he could have missed all that. Then I realized that he was just as involved in his conversation with the barracuda as I had been with Jesse. We had both been too involved with someone else to notice what each other was doing or saying.

I tapped Hub on the shoulder and he turned to me. The barracuda looked down at her drink and stirred the ice with her fingernail. Hub said the words I knew he would, "she wants to know if we want to hook up with her tonight. I'm up for it if you are." I threw a quick glance toward Jesse who drew a question mark in the air with his finger. Once again daring me to answer the question, "what will you say Rocki?"

I looked at Hub with challenge in my eyes. I was challenging him to dare to argue with what I was about to say. "When it was just the 'husband' it was creepy and you wanted nothing to do with the whole thing, saying that there was something 'wrong' with these people. Now that it is the woman presenting the same opportunity you're suddenly ok with it? For some reason there is suddenly nothing wrong with them?"
"It seems less creepy to me, ya" he said.
"Well, it seems like a double standard to me," I hissed. "You think I should be ok with you bringing another woman into our bed, but you don't have to be ok with bringing another man in?"
"Fine! We won't do it," he barked. "I was just trying to find a way to make our fantasy happen.
"That is not our fantasy Hub! That is yours. I want no part of it."
"Whatever, let's just get out of here and go home then" was all he said. Then he got up and quickly headed for the door.

I sat for another minute or two and finished my drink before getting up myself. The barracuda had already slinked away to the other side of the bar while Hub and I had fought. As I got up from the bar stool and headed for the door I looked to the corner table where Jesse sat smiling. He raised his glass to me as if in a toast. I had a feeling he was going to be trouble, but at that moment he was my hero.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

From A, A to B, B?

2010-11-07T19:14:00.001-08:00

I have finished my first two college courses now. Wish I could say I am on to bigger and better things, but my next two are both just more of the same thing. Classes that are really just to prepare us all for when we start taking actual classes. No wonder most colleges don't allow these credits to transfer! Oh well, it is what it is. It's alredy paid for so there is no going back now.

I didn't do as well on the finals as I wanted to. Of course that was my own fault. I really slacked off in the last five week of classes and was doing the minimum to get by. I was getting full credit for participation and making A's on the assignments. I wasn't bothering to read full chapters or to take notes. I was only reading what I need to in order to answer questions and complete assignment. I knew it was going to come back to bite me in the ass and it did. I still did well on the finals, finishing both with a B, but I could have done much better. Now I am looking at probably having a final grade of a B in one class, and maybe if I am lucky a low A in the other. It could be a B though as well. And I referred to these as mindless, moron classes. Especially the one that I will certainly not get an A in. Ha! Ironic.

Tomorrow starts two new classes and this time I know not to let myself get lazy. In fact I have already started reading and taking notes for one of the classes. I just wish they were something I could take an interest in, but I doubt I will. It certainly would make it easier to focus!

I never remember

2010-11-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

If you read this blog alot then you know what time it is. Saturday Centus time! One of my favorite times of the week. You also know the drill... take the given prompt and write a story (fiction or non-fiction) using only 100 words, not counting the prompt. I've gone with non-fiction this week.

Here is my 100 word thought process for the week. Prompt is in color:

It was the 11th anniversary of my first wedding. No wait! It was the12th. That was back in July, but I hadn’t thought of it then. I used to remember, on the day. “This would have been our 3rd anniversary,” I would think, and my mind would drift nostalgically back. I’d remember my gorgeous gown with the twelve layer skirt and another 10 layers of petticoat. I’d think of my hair cascading down my back in curls. Feeling and looking like a princess. Then I’d remember how the air-conditioner had been broken and I regretted those layers and cascading hair.

But… I never remember it anymore.

The Past part 3: Swinger Singers

2010-11-05T03:56:00.000-07:00

It was the next Saturday and I was feeling apprehensive about going to Flyers. While it had been fun and exciting to talk about "hooking up" with another couple, the thought of making it a reality suddenly scared the hell out of me. Hub somehow convinced me that I was just nervous and that once we got there and we saw the Swinger Singers, that I would be excited about the idea again.

We arrived at Flyers and hung out with our usual little gang of friends in the corner. The excitement Hub had promised had not taken hold of me. I was enjoying just hanging out with Brent, Jake, Terry, and another pilot named Jesse. Secretly I was hoping like hell that the SS didn't show that night. Arriving fashionably late, SS sauntered in, dashing those hopes. Beside me I could feel Hub straighten up a little as he noticed their arrival and the excitement kicked in for him. For me, there was no excitement, only wonder at what I had agreed to.

Hub excused himself and went to the restroom which was only an excuse to leave the table without being too obvious. The SS were in the path to the restroom so he would have to walk right past them and it was a pretty sure thing they would stop him to talk. On his way back, that is exactly what they did. I tried to follow conversation at our table, but was sneaking glances at Hub and SS wishing I could read lips. About this time Jesse leaned over and whispered something in my ear, "looks like the SS are trying to recruit you guys to the lifestyle." On the inside I sort of froze up with this feeling like we had been caught at something. On the outside I managed a smile and a laugh like what he'd said was both funny and absurd. I turned my head Jesse's way and was met with laughing blue eyes. I suddenly forgot all about Hub and his conversation with the SS. My fake smile was replaced with a smile of genuine pleasure. Unlike Trent or Jake, there was no big brother or best friend vibe coming off of Jesse. He was more the movie version of the handsome pilot who smiled charming and breathed sexy. We talked, he flirted with me, I flirted with him, and all thoughts of Hub and the SS were gone.

My moment of flirtation with the handsome pilot didn't last long though. After a few minutes Hub was there whispering to me that he had SS phone number and we would call them later in the week to see if things might work out. Once again, I had a fake smile on my face.

Later that week Hub did call and talked with the female half of SS. He then gave me the phone and I talked with her a bit too before she put the male half on. We talked for a while. Something interesting came out in the phone call. It turned out that SS might not be the married couple of swingers everyone thought they were. According to him they had been married but were now divorced. They got together sometimes to hang out and took part in the swingers scene together. It gave me a creepy feeling about them, and any thoughts I had of actually going through with this were dwindling fast. The strangest part to me was that he had said they were divorced and yet she had called him her husband. Not sure if it was old habit, or if he was trying to pull something, but it didn't fit. Hub had gotten a similar vibe and felt like something was really off about them, but he still wasn't ready to give up on the idea of "hooking up" with them.

The next Saturday the male half of SS was at Flyers and he was flying solo. He managed to flag me down on a trip to the bar and talked to me for a bit. His "ex" wife was out somewhere else with a date and so he thought he would come to Flyers and see if Hub and I were interested in "going somewhere" with him. I told him I would talk to Hub and let him know. It was not the scenario we had always talked about during our late night fantasizing. Part of me was intrigued by the idea. It was the part that really did not like the idea of letting Hub be with another woman. At the same time, this guy gave me the creepy vibe and I really didn't trust that he and his wife were in fact divorced. I made my way back to Hub and managed to get him away from everyone else under the pretense of dancing so that we could talk without our friends overhearing. I told him what creepy SS had said and Hub was totally against the idea. I was relieved. At least at the time, I was.

Dancing during karaoke was a rare thing. It might not have been the best cover for the fact that I wanted a private conversation. Still, there was actually someone there that night with a decent voice who was singing songs worthy of dancing to. We weren't the only couple on the floor that night. Women were scarcer than usual in the bar that night though, so for the single guys there was not a wide selection of possible dance partners. As the next song started, Jesse swooped in pushing Hub aside and declaring it was his turn on the dance floor with me. He had one of those personalities that won everyone over, male and female alike. So Hub laughed, handed me over with a smile and said, "be my guest." He had other things to attend to anyway, such as telling creepy SS that nothing was going to happen. I was trying to watch for his reaction but Jesse was not one to accept anyone's attention being on someone other than him.
"You could hurt a man's feelings that way."
"What?" I asked, wondering once again if he could read my mind.
"You're dancing with me and you're still watching your husband. It breaks my heart a little."
He had me laughing and I couldn't help but to look at that handsome face and get caught up in his gorgeous blue eyes. "Sorry, you have my undivided attention now," and he did. We didn't say anything else as we continued our dance. As the song was ending Jesse nodded over to creepy SS and said, "I was right. He's trying to get you guys into the swinger thing."
Nothing was going to happen. It all felt like some weird nightmare. I figured there was no harm in admitting the guy's intentions, although I chose to leave our own intentions out of it. "Ya, he is."
"And?" Jesse asked.
I looked at him wide eyed and shook my head, "NO! Eww!"
He laughed and began walking me back toward our table. "Good. I'd hate to see you do that," he said. Then he looked at me with a mischievous look in those baby blues and said, "well, at least with that creep." He flashed his most charming smile and winked at me. We arrived at our table then and he grabbed my hand and moved it towards Hub's declaring, "I have returned your wife to you sir."
Everyone laughed, but I caught a quick glimpse at Jesse's face and mischief was very much still there.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 2: Flyers

2010-11-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

the names used in this post, in the whole retelling of this tale, have all been changed in order to hide true identitities

I have mentioned before that Hub worked in professional sports. It got him certain benefits and perks in a lot of places. One such place is a bar that I will refer to as Flyers. That is, of course, not the real name, but it was located near the airport and was a favorite hangout for pilots and others in the airline industry so I think the name fits the place.

Flyers offered Hub free drinks and food. Having anyone associated with the team in the bar was good for business. Where the players and staff went, the fans followed. Hub and I didn't frequent Flyers much during the season though. It was off-season, when the fans were conveniently involved in watching a different sport and off stalking those players, that we chose to hang at Flyers. Over zealous, star struck fans were not our favorite people to spend time with, for what I think should be obvious reasons. So, it was in the off-season that we would spend most Saturday nights at Flyers.

In our time there we got to know a great deal of people. There was of course the Flyers staff who were wonderful people that took great care of us whenever we were there. Then there were the pilots. We had gotten to know a few of them pretty well. One of them, Brent, was an insanely funny guy who became a good friend of ours who we would actually hang out with outside of the bar. There was only one other person, Jake, that we had ever hung out with outside the bar, and he was an incredibly sweet man who became like a bit of an older brother figure for us. (he declared himself too young to be an uncle or father figure) Then there was Terry, who was also insanely funny, a loud and proud of it bisexual, and was at Flyers enough to be considered part of the decor. We never hung out with him, except at Flyers, but he was always part of our group when we were there. Some of the others were good drinking buddies, but not anyone we would hang out with anywhere else. Still, when we went to Flyers it was a bit like Norm walking into Cheers. People knew our names and were glad to see us there.

Then there was the karaoke crowd. Saturday nights were by far the most fun to be at Flyers and it was all due to the karaoke. I do not sing, and neither does Hub so that is not why we were there. No, it was the entertainment value that brought us in. It was not that the people were good, but rather the fact that they were so bad, that kept us coming back. We would sit in the back corner with our pilot buddies and trash talk the karaoke singers. It was how our little group had fun. That and jaeger bombs.

The karaoke crowd was almost always the same people. There was the occasional newbie, or random person who had just happened to wander in. Mostly though, it was the same people week after week, singing the same songs and putting their own "funk" on it. Some even had choreographed their own dance routines. That added to the entertainment value for our little group.

All the groups got to know each other. So there we would be, the Flyers regulars... the pilots, the karaoke people, and Hub and I all hanging out on Saturday nights. Nothing ever really seemed to change until one day when the couple I now refer to as the "swinger singers" came in.

The night they breezed in the door, most of us knew there was something different about them. I don't know what it was that raised our awareness about them, but everyone at our little table in the back felt it. Our group watched them all night, fascinated by them for reasons none of us understood at the time. They stayed for a couple of hours and then headed out the door with a wink and a wave in our direction as they left. The air in the room almost seemed to change and the night was suddenly just a regular Saturday night once more.

The SS couple became regulars at the bar themselves. They got to know everyone and mingled throughout the room. They were extremely flirtatious, and both of them were very good looking. He had a way of slipping in beside me at the table or at the bar and talking like he'd known me for years. She just screamed of sexuality and flirted with everyone, man and woman alike.

One Saturday they didn't show up and that made them the topic of conversation for our little group. Terry was the first to say out loud what we'd all been thinking, "they're swingers!" and went on to list the many reasons he knew it to be true. We had all seen the signs and felt the same way. It was Terry and Brent though, who had actually witnessed them leaving the bar with another woman one night and had been dying to tell us all for a couple of weeks.

That night after we had gone home Hub did exactly what I had expected. He declared that people who would be up for what we had been fantasizing about for the past few months had just "naturally" appeared in our lives. Still feeling the excitement of a night out, and the effects of a couple jaeger bombs, I agreed with him. Our fantasy talking that night evolved into planning a conversation with the Swinger Singers.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

The Past part 1: compromising

2010-11-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

This is a story I have meant to get out and put into words on this blog for two years now. Something triggered (not the bad "triggering" for those who speak the codie language) the memory of it all last night, and I felt it was time. I debated today whether or not to write it though. I thought of how there are actually people reading this blog now and it very nearly stopped me. But the fact is, I created this blog for me. If someone reads this and decided to look down upon me, or thinks badly of me so be it. I am who I am, and I have lived the life I have lived. This blog has never been a shiny happy place meant to entertain the masses. It is all about me facing the demons of my past, present, and future so that I may deal with them. So if someone is offended by what they read here and decide to never again read this blog, that is their decision to make in life and their path to follow. This is the story of my life, of my fall to rock bottom, and my slow painful climb back up. That climb will never happen if I do not take a look back down every now and then and remember I need to keep pulling myself up.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of. I have also done things that others would view as something I should be ashamed of, and yet I am not.

Life became this confusing, twisting spiral effect. Up and down, and round and round. I would swing down, just to dip back up a bit, before swinging back down once again. Each dip and rise spun me round, creating this dizzying sense of confusion. I never quit knew where I was or what direction I should be moving in.

Is that an excuse for doing things out of the norm? Blame it on confusion, or the lack of direction I had in life. Maybe it is. I don't know, I just know that it was the way my life moved for a few years.

There was a time, a couple of years after discovering Hub's secrets that I was desperate to win back his full attention. I wanted to be what he desired. The only thing he desired. It was a twisted way of thinking. I know now that it never had anything to do with me. It was all him. But the fact was that when we met he made me feel more desirable and sexy than anyone ever had. I missed that feeling, and struggled to find a way to recapture it.

It was during this time that I began to compromise. It came in many forms and through a variety of decisions. One of these was a compromise of both my beliefs and values, and the vows of marriage. We began to discuss the option of.... well, I guess most people would refer to it as a swinger lifestyle. I did not see it that way. I had no intention of letting it become a lifestyle. To me it was, at first, simply bedroom talk that seemed to get us both aroused. The talk appeared to have the right effect because I once again felt desirable and sexy. I managed to shut out the fact that it was talk of adding in someone else that raised that desire in Hub for me. It was, after all, for me.

What started as simple fantasy and talk seemed to become more real. It evolved in to what I guess would be considered planning. Where would we go? How could we meet someone who was willing to take part? What signal could we do to indicate we both felt that this person or people were "ok" for us.

My first indication that something was wrong with all this was when Hub had answers for some of those questions. He knew where and how to go about finding people who were into such things. He knew of listings in certain publications and websites were such people found each other. I can still feel that sensation of my heart dropping into my stomach and landing with a dull thud. That feeling of it being lodged there, irritating my stomach and causing it to roll and rumble. He knew those things for a reason, and it was a reason that I did not like but was refusing at the time to acknowledge. This was our fantasy, not something sick and twisted of his own.

I flatly refused the idea of searching such places. The people who would get involved in the "lifestyle" and who would place or respond to those ads were not our kind of people. Those were the sickos. The over the top crazies, not like us at all. No, we were just a couple looking to add just a little fun and excitement to our marriage. Just trying to bring back that spark. It was not our life. I was delusional about it all.

I decreed that it must be something that would happen naturally. Naturally? I cannot believe that I ever expressed such an idea. The entire concept was unnatural. How then could it possibly ever occur naturally?

I held to my belief that it could happen that way and that one day, if it did, then we would act upon it.

And then, one day came.

Disclaimer: The re-telling of these events from my past are not meant as an endorsement of the swinger lifestyle. It is not meant to glorify swinging in anyway. In fact, the whole story is meant to demonstrate how swinging can destroy a marriage and ruin the love and trust between two people. I also want to make people aware that just because someone goes along with this lifestyle it does not mean they truly want to do so. They may be doing it simply to make their partner happy, while it is slowly eating away at their own soul.

follow the rules silly

2010-11-02T13:49:00.001-07:00

I sit here with my eyes feeling the sting of being overly tired. A nap would be wonderful right now, but is not an option. Tot is wide awake and thankfully extremely involved in some horrible preschooler show involving all too realistic looking animal characters in super hero capes, working together to save various baby animals that are in peril due to the fact that their parents have seemingly abandoned them. Amazingly those same animal parental units always magically appear within seconds of their babies being rescued by the creepy animal heroes. This show creeps me out. Tot is thoroughly addicted to it. It gives me an hour or so of peace in which to get things done, so I overlook the creep factor.

My overtired eyes have been staring at the computer screen for around three hours now. I have begun week nine of my first two college courses. It is the final week of class and I will be taking finals on Friday. Today, I sit here in this overtired state of existence studying and reviewing nine weeks of information. Surprisingly, I am not overwhelmed. Perhaps I am in denial. Ha! What a familiar concept that is. Denial or just confidence in my ability to do well, I will take this feeling of calm. Or perhaps it is just that I am too tired to worry and stress. Tomorrow may be different and certainly by Friday I will feel the effects. For now though, peace.

I should have gotten more sleep last night. Instead I opted to stay up late visiting with an old friend. I have so few friends in this world. I view each of them as a real gift. A true friend is a little bit of a miracle I think. I wish I had someone that I was really close with, but sadly none of my friends fit that category. Last night I visited with the friend I am closest too, and even with them there is a distance. We see each other so seldom. It was not always that way, but there are unwritten rules of society that always seem to get in the way. This friend is a man. While we have known each other for nearly twenty years, and have remained simply good friends through all those years, the unwritten rules still get in the way. Hub has no objections to our friendship. Really, he has no right to have a say. Not in my mind. Not anymore. But even when he did, there was no objection. His faith and trust in my has always been solid. I have given no reason for it to be otherwise. There was a time though, when I was married to the evil ex that there was objection. He was extremely jealous and did not like that I had male friends. He pushed and fought and made an ass of himself. He isolated all the friends I had at that point in my life, even the females. They all chose to avoid me in order to be able to avoid him. Only this one friend remained after that eight years in hell. A true friend. He has proudly been in both of my weddings. He has witnessed my joy, heard my sorrows, and held me up in rough times.

Now the tables have turned and it is he who is in a relationship with someone who is jealous and demands total attention. A woman who can not tolerate his friendship with me. So, it is rare occasions that we see each other. A quick afternoon coffee in January, a late night movie in March, and a short visit in my home last night. We sit and talk and catch up on what has happened in the months that have slipped by. We talk and laugh as though it has been only days since we last saw each other. Two friends who are forced to sneak around like lovers having an illicit affair. Such a shame. I have seen him walk away from an eight year relationship after being confronted with an ultimatum, find his dream job, survive a heart attack, and lose his mother. He has seen me party on my 21st birthday, have children, fight my way out of an emotionally abusive relationship, and struggle with Hub's addictions.

Should we not have earned the right to declare "we are friends. I will visit my friend if I choose" and to do exactly that? But, oh those strange unwritten rules of society that declare otherwise. Men and women cannot be friends, it says. My friend and I say otherwise.

Still, the sneaking around and hiding. I hate feeling like I am doing something wrong when I am not. I am not the other woman. We are not doing anything more than talking, laughing, sharing events of our lives. Such a shame that we must behave as though we are.

killing butterflies

2010-11-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

I guess Jenny Matlock decided writing a story in 100 words or less wasn't hard enough. This week she left us with the challange of using only 50. Really?!? Come on, Jenny!!! Ok, ok... I gave it my best shot.
Actually I had fun with this one. 50 was easier than I thought it would be, and I think it turned out kinda cool. Let me know what you think. Be honest though!!! If you think it is awful, feel free to say so. I am trying to improve my writing skills so constructive criticism is welcome. If you tell me it was great even if it wasn't, then I am never going to know what to work on to improve. Of course, if you do actually love it, then you can tell me that too.

Here is my effort for the week, the prompt is in color:

I have some random thoughts when stressed.

Pavement is way better than dirt roads.

Is the butterfly effect a real thing?

What the heck is the difference between affect and effect anyway?

This play is awful!

Ready, set, go!

Taking a bullet hurts!

Abraham Lincoln was a lot shorter than I thought he would be...

Time travel isn’t so great after all.

happy halloween

2010-10-31T11:58:00.001-07:00

It has been a looooooooooong, hectic, crazy week around here and I am SO glad it is over!!! Let's hope Halloween marks the end of the insanity of the week and that next week will be better.

Happy Halloween from Rock Bottom!!!

The Miracle of Mercy Land by River Jordan

2010-10-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

There is magic in a good book. It is a powerful something that pulls you in and captures a part of you. It may be your heart, your sense of adventure, or perhaps your imagination, but whatever part of you it is, it is fully enraptured by the magical power of the book. Even time becomes nothing as we sit and read for hours, taking no notice of the ticking of the clock. Not caring if it is time for a favorite show to be on television, or time to take the dog for a walk. Instead we are moved away from time and into another world. A world of new people whose lives we get to watch. For a few moments we feel as though our own lives have become intertwined with these people, our new friends. Friends in a book. Friends whose journeys we follow page by page. Each turn of the page brings us closer to the end. In a truly good book it is easy to both anticipate and dread that ending. Oh, the anticipation of discovering the conclusion of the journey, of knowing how it all turns out. And yet, there is the dread. Once we reach the end, that is it. There is no more. We've concluded our look through the lives of our new friends and oh how we wish there were maybe just a chapter or two more so that we could spend just a bit more time with them.

This is how I felt about The Miracle of Mercy Land. A book about a woman who gets the chance to glimpse into the lives of those around her through a book of magic and wonder.

about the book:
Mercy Land has made some unexpected choices for a young woman in the 1930s. The sheltered daughter of a traveling preacher, she chooses to leave her rural community to move to nearby Bay City on the warm, gulf-waters of southern Alabama. There she finds a job at the local paper and spends seven years making herself indispensible to old Doc Philips, the publisher and editor. Then she gets a frantic call at dawn—it’s the biggest news story of her life, and she can’t print a word of it.
Doc has come into possession of a curious book that maps the lives of everyone in Bay City—decisions they’ve made in the past, and how those choices affect the future. Mercy and Doc are consumed by the mystery locked between the pages—Doc because he hopes to right a very old wrong, and Mercy because she wants to fulfill the book’s strange purpose. But when a mysterious stranger shows up, Mercy begins to understand she may have to choose between love and loneliness . . . or good and evil . . . for the rest of her life.

I received this book free from Waterbrook Multnomah book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

you either have to trust someone or not

2010-10-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

I received a comment on yesterday's post from Vicki. She said, "I think you either have to trust someone or not." I am not about to belittle your comment Vicki, not at all. I am thanking you for it because it made me stop and really think about it. Is it that simple? Do you either have to trust or not trust? I used to think so. I hope for you, and for most women out there, that it is indeed that simple. It should be! I used to think it was.

Trust. Is it easy? Is it simple? Not for me.

At one time it was. There was a point in my life where trusting my husband came as naturally as breathing.
Inhale, exhale, repeat.
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, I can trust him.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, choke sputter wheeze!
He loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have dirty raunchy sex ~~chat~~ with strange women.

Before I go on, if you haven't read yesterdays post you should go do so. Go ahead.
There! See the dilemma? No? Well, I will explain to you how I see it.

The dilemma, for me is, can there be a real relationship, a true marriage, if I cannot trust Hub. Taking it a step further... based on his past, can I ever again really trust him? What sort of trust do I give, if I give it at all?

Do I trust him to never again participate in chat or phone calls with other women?
Do I trust him to never act on those fantasies and try to make them real?
Do I trust him to at least try not to do any of those things? some of those things? most of those things?
Do I trust him to put our marriage before his fantasies and desires?
Do I trust him to seek help?
Do I trust his word that he wants to stop but sometimes he just can't?

Is there such a thing as partial trust? Or is it all or nothing?

I think it is safe to say that I will never fully trust Hub again. I simply do not believe that he will go the rest of his life never looking at porn or falling to the temptation to enter a chat room. If I do not have that expectation of him, is it a violation of trust for him to do it? Surely he can't violate a trust that isn't there. Then I have to wonder if I am being fair to myself if I accept that as a fact of our lives together. Will it be enough for me to place smaller expectations and lower levels of trust in him? Should it be enough?

My thoughts on trust lately have been to decide if I can trust him on the things I know he is capable of doing or not doing. To let go the entire concept of trust on the things that I know he will fail. That means trusting that he will try to resist temptation rather than trusting him to actually resist it everytime. It means trusting him to put effort into repairing our relationship rather than ignoring the problems. There are other, similar, compromises in trust that I have considered.

There are other things, things that sometimes seem bigger and yet at other times seem smaller, that he has my full trust on. I trust that he will always be there for me. That might sound weird to some people, but he really does make me feel better when I am down about things that were not caused by him. I trust him to be a good father and to always be there for the kids. He has never let them down. I trust him to work hard to support our family the best that he can. It is as though I can trust him with all matters of life, just not with all matters of marriage and relationship.

There are times when I feel that I should want more. Then there are times when I do in fact want more. I want a relationship in which I don't have to compromise on trust and expectations. I want a relationship with a man who wants, needs, and desires only me. However, I also want a relationship with the man that I already love and have built a life (albeit not a great life) with. What I want is the relationship I thought Hub and I had before discovery.

I have often dreamed of finding a good man I could spend my life with. A man who would not do these things that hurt me so badly. A man who would put me and my feelings above all else. Then I think about that word again.... trust. Would I trust him? Could I ever trust any man ever again? I really don't think I could. I would forever wonder about who he was talking to on the phone, or what he was doing on the computer, or why he was so late getting home. Even with another man I would be in a relationship that lacked trust. It is the ugly scar that Hub has permanently etched on my heart.

I am still trapped in this place in my life. This place of more questions than answers.

Questions without answers

2010-10-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

warning: this post is rated NC-17, or at least a strong R. If you don't want to read some of the details of Hub's sex addiction antics, stop reading now.

Hub is out of town for a few weeks for work. This is what led me to my worry about him "acting out". (i really need a better term than that one) There is just something about the combination of Hub and a hotel that I just don't like.

I should say that I have never had any sort of proof that his SA has gone beyond porn, internet chat rooms, private online chats, and phone calls. No proof, but serious reason to believe it has anyway. Whatever.... my point is that mostly I only have to worry about him doing stupid shit on the internet or the phone. When he is home, at least I know where he is even if I don't know exactly what he is doing. For the most part anyway.

When he is out of town for work, I have no way of knowing where he is or what he is doing. The worst of my concerns comes in the form of the hotel bar. You see, I do know from past experiences that Hubs greatest fantasies revolve around meeting strange women and having wild and rough sex with them. His phone calls and chats all involve different scenarios like that. His #1 place for these fantasies to take place is a hotel bar! He has even asked me to role-play those types of encounters with him before. Yes, I have done so. At first I thought it was fun and exciting, then I thought it was lame and stupid, and finally I thought it was sick and twisted, but most of all it just felt insulting. But, I am getting off the point again. so....
My concern is that Hub will be spending his nights in the hotel bar looking to play out those fantasies of his for real.

I haven't had to worry about this happening for a very long time. But, Hub is once again working in sports. While we needed the money, I am not happy about it at all. I hate when he is on the road. It is like poison for our marriage. And, quite frankly, the money isn't even that great because he is working in a very minor league. Nothing like what he earned before and certainly not enough to get us out of the hole we are in. So why? Why even put our marriage through this for so little? I don't know the answer to that. Maybe it is a test for both of us. Can we handle it? Can he be put in the path of temptation and resist? Can I deal with not knowing and still find a way to trust?

I am all questions and no answers these days.

You're Stupid! no, not YOU... that other person

2010-10-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

someone copied my answer in a group discussion for one of my online college courses. seriously! it was monday, there was only one question posted, i was the first to answer. later i checked back to see if there were any other responses that i could comment on to get my participation credit. there was only one other response to the question. i thought i had accidentally clicked on my own response. then i thought that i had made a few untypical grammatical errors. (not that my grammar is perfect, but i have a basic grasp of the english language) i then realized that someone had copied and pasted my answer and then changed just a couple of words in each sentence to try and give the appearance it was their own work. bad grammar aside, it was my answer exactly.

people are stupid!

there was only ONE question posted. there was only ONE answer posted. and they thought they could copy that one answer and nobody would notice?!? sort of gives a whole new definition to the word stupid.

it is not even like it was a question that had a specific answer. it was more of an opinion based question. it was asking for a personal choice between five options and explanation on why you chose those particular options. i may not have the most original mind, but i doubt this other person had the exact same thoughts i did.

i know you probably don't care about this but it just really pissed me off and i had to rant a bit about it.
i do actually have real issues going on in life that i should be sorting through. i am really concerned about Hub acting out soon. by the way... i totally hate the phrase "acting out"! it doesn't even begin to cover the severity of the offense. children act out when they pitch temper tantrums. lying, cheating, douchebag husbands commit sinful acts of adultery, and horrible betrayal of trusts. see? doesn't that seem way more fitting than "acting out"?
ah well, that is a post for later

Nope! What?

2010-10-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Here is a bit of the randomness in my life right now...

We were given a dog a few weeks ago. I didn't want a dog. I don't want the responsibility of training, feeding, bathing, cleaning up after, and the keeping alive of a small furry creature. I took her in anyway. The poor thing was being abused by some heartless bastard and I couldn't very well look at her pitiful face and say "get that thing out of here" now could I? Nope! So we have a dog now. She is really sweet actually and spends most of her time laying at my side or at my heels. I din't want a dog, but I love the wretched beast and am glad to have her.

Dog is killing me right now! I know, really random since I just said I'm glad to have her. We've given her plenty of toys to play with and she keeps sneaking them all outside and then sits inside looking pitiful because she has nothing to play with. We have a doggy door and she is making good use of it as a portal for toys (both hers and Tots) to the land of the lost. Ok, she isn't really killing me with this, but she is annoying the crap out of me.

Anyone else hate the new BK breakfast commercials? The flute guy creeps me out. Seriously! He is frightening, take him away!!!

Tot has taken up singing the BK breakfast song. It leaves me confused when he does it. You see, the line that he sings is "I'm hungry, I'm hungry". He will sometimes add the "I'm going to burger king" at the end, but mostly it is just the part about being hungry. So naturally, when he sings it I think he is hungry and asking for food. I ask him what he wants to eat and he tells me he isn't hungry. What? A few days of that and him actually adding the end of the song and I finally figured it out. All is well, or at least it was. Now he has decided to sing it when he is hungry but of course I think he is just singing the song. Then he gets ticked off because I am not getting him food. I just never know. Thanks BK! You've given a 5yo with a serious speech delay accompanied by a very limited vocabulary a new way to baffle and annoy his mother!

Speaking of Tot's limited vocabulary, I have added a few negative words to the small list. I am not proud of myself. I have road rage. Like the... if it wouldn't get me into legal trouble and damage my own car, i would totally rear-end someone who pissed me off in traffic... kinda road-rage. Since I can't do that, I cuss at people. A lot! Tot, who really only started to speak around the age of 4 and was close to 5 by the time he could form a full sentence, can now correctly use the word "bastard" and the phrase "damn it" in a sentence. Yes, he totally uses them in the correct context. I know, I know... I said I was not proud of myself! Right now I am just trying to be grateful that he isn't repeating the really bad words. Oh! and I am also trying not to cuss but that is a tough one when I am road-raging.

week 7

2010-10-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am now into week seven of my first two college courses. That is seven out of a total of nine. It is a little bit exciting and a lotta bit (lotta bit is a very Tot thing to say) frightening to be approaching the end. Exciting because I will be able to say that I have actually say I have completed a college course, well two actually. However, it is also frightening because I have to worry about the final exams coming up. I did great on the midterms but now I am adding another five weeks of information on top of those first four weeks information and have to actually remember it all. Yikes! I am not concerned with passing so much as I am with getting the high grades I expect of myself. As of now I have a 95% in one class and a 99% in the other. Finishing above a 90% and hopefully above a 95% in both classes is what I really want and expect from myself. So.... that makes me nervous about the finals.

My other big concern right now is that I have become SO bored with both classes. Well, SO bored with one of them, and a little bored with the other. I am glad I will be done with them in just a few weeks. Then again I am a bit nervous about facing new courses and new instructors and not knowing what to expect. The class I am most bored with is some lame course on university studies that amounts to nothing but is required of all new students. It is basically to teach you study habits and how to deal with stress. The class just keeps focusing on the same things over and over and over again. Even the discussion questions seem to be the same questions slightly rephrased. How many different ways can I answer what my motivators are and which study methods I find most helpful?!? B O R I N G ! The other class is a health class that is at least somewhat interesting but the past couple weeks have been on sexual health. Not a favorite subject for the wife of a sex addict! Although if they actually covered sex addiction at least it might make it more interesting for me and I probably wouldn't even need to read the textbook to answer the questions!

Right now I should be reading and answering discussion questions for both classes but I just can't focus on it all right now. I've been at it for about two hours and my mind keeps screaming at me to stop. I haven't had much focus on those two hours and haven't gotten much actually accomplished. I really just can't take it anymore. So here I am taking a much needed, but not very wise break from it all. I really need the time Tot is at preschool to do the work but I just cannot focus anymore. It will be a late night studying instead I guess.

I have so very many things on my mind that I need to sort through and get it all out. Maybe I will keep avoiding the coursework and get some things written and set to post this week. Sounds better than reading about contraception or study habits, that is for sure!

Evil comes in many forms

2010-10-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hurray! It is Saturday. Know what that means? It means the kids are home to drive me insane, but that is not what I am referring to. I am talking Centus time! Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme in which you are given a new prompt each week. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story.

I love Halloween and so I am so far enjoying the prompts of October! Below is my entry for the week. Prompt is in color.

I’d turned out all the lights and sat huddled down beside the couch, desperate to stay below line of sight. They were coming and I knew it. Those horrible hobgoblins were going to arrive at any moment. I couldn’t face them. I wasn’t ready. They would come and they would take and take and take, showing no mercy.

The doorbell rang. There is no way I am going to answer that door.

A muffled, “Trick or treat,” came through. Only kids!

"Trick or treat!" they shouted as the door opened...
No! They had indeed tricked me! It was them, the hobgoblins. Evil bill collectors!

and we all come crashing back down to the bottom!

2010-10-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today was a really stressful day and the stress of it is going to be stretching on for awhile.

It really all started back in March. Dot was arrested for possessing marijuana at school. She had never done anything like that before and hasn't done anything like that since. Honestly she has never been in any kind of trouble ever! This was all due to the influence of some new friend of hers. A friend who she is no longer allowed to hang out with.

Anyway....

A little after nine this morning there was a knock at the door. I answered it and it was someone from the sheriff's office delivering a subpoena. After five freaking months they have decided to press charges. I thought this was all a thing of the past, over and done with. I had no clue that they could take so long to take this action. Turns out they actually had two years. Ridiculous! I really didn't think anything more was going to come of this. She went to an addiction counselor (required by the school in order to get back in) who agreed that this was a one time event that she was extremely likely never to repeat. She had to do a one day education seminar about drugs. The counselor recommended that because he had to recommend something and he said that was really all she needed. So, I really thought this was over. Wrong!

I don't want Dot to have to go to juvenile detention for one stupid mistake!

Now, what makes it even worse is that I was also subpoenaed.

Turns out that when kids go to juvie here they make the parents pay child support! What kind of bullshit is that??? I am going to be punished for something I had nothing to do with. Hell, it didn't even happen on my weekend, it happened on her father's. I had already decided that the new friend was bad news and wasn't going to let Dot hang out with her anymore. Her father is the one that let her go hang out with her! Dot was arrested on one his days as well. I'm not saying it is really his fault either, because the fault really must fall on her. It was her stupid choice. But, I do think he should have been a more responsible parent.

I am struggling with the fact that I was subpoenaed and her father wasn't. He was the one that went to the school and then down to the police station and picked her up. So why do they have my information? His phone number is listed, but it has my name and address. This is total bullshit! I could understand if it listed us both, afterall we have shared custody, so that would sort of make sense. I can't understand why it only lists me though. I am thinking he intentionally listed my information at the police station. Totally something he would do!

This is just more shit I don't need in my life.

I don't have any experience with this kind of crap. Nobody in my family has ever been in trouble with the law. Everyone in his family has! That includes him, his sister, his brother, and yes even his mother! He would be way more prepared for dealing with this type of thing than me.

I don't have money for a lawyer and I don't know if he will be willing to pay for one. So Dot may be stuck with a court appointed lawyer. If they are anything like the lawyers from Legal Services (who i used in the horrible mess of a custody battle that was an epic failure for me due to the joke of a lawyer i had)... well then, Dot is royally screwed.

I have to make some calls tomorrow and figure out what the hell we are supposed to do. I am seriously clueless!

Take my hammer...please

2010-10-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme in which you are given a prompt each week. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. The prompt does not count for your 100 words AND it must be left intact in the body of your story.

This week's prompt is If I had a hammer.
I had two things I wanted to do with the prompt this week. Here is #1:

If I had a hammer I could finally hang those pictures on the wall.
If I had a hammer I could build a dog house for this mingy mutt.
If I had a hammer I could fix that broken cabinet in the garage.
If I had a hammer I could build myself the bookshelves I have been wanting for years.
If I had a hammer I could repair that busted toy box.
If I had a hammer I could get a lot of work done around this place.
If I had a hammer I wouldn't be sitting here eating these chips and watching this movie.
hmmmm.....

I am really, really glad I don't have a hammer.

and here is #2 and this one is a true story:

All the other kids were singing pop songs. That wasn’t going to get them anywhere with our music teacher. I was smarter; I chose a song she loved. She must love it since she made us sing it everyday since first grade.

When it was my turn I belted it out. “If I had a hammer I would fly to the state where a man could walk a mile high.” It was perfect, even Simon would have loved it. If American Idol existed in 1982 that is.

I got the lead part in the musical alright…

but she made me lip-sync all the musical numbers.

edit: it should be noted that while those are the words I sang, I believe I had mixed up two totally different songs when I sang them, creating lyrical nonsense. i think the teacher just felt a mighty sense of pity for poor cunfused kid i was

Pie

2010-10-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am making myself find the time to take part in Saturday Centus this week. If you want to know why I need to make myself, just read my last post. I won't bore you with the details here.

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock. You can use UP to 100 words to tell your story. Normally we are given a prompt to use within the story, but this week is different. This week our prompt is a photo.

They lay before me like little orange soldiers in some crazy army. Hundreds of bright orange gourds lined up, waiting, trying to impress. Each of them waiting to be chosen as best.
Over here they seemed to call. Choose me! I am the biggest called one from the right. I am the brightest called a little one from the center. I am the perfect shape screamed one from the left. Each of them had something to say, some reason to call themself best.
You don’t want to be chosen I tried to tell them. The oven is hot.

Lost

2010-10-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Life has been insanely busy. It is my own fault. Tired of never having anything to do or anywhere to be I went a bit overboard in trying to remedy the problem.

As I mentioned, I started college courses online. Time consuming, but going well. The online school works like this: I take 2 courses at a time for 9 weeks. Then I jump right into another 2 courses for 9 more weeks. If all goes well, I earn my associates degree in around 18 months rather than 2 years. So far things are indeed going well. Just had midterms for my first 2 classes. I missed only 2 answers on one test and only 1 on the other. Big boost for my self-confidence! I was stressed out over the idea of taking a test for the first time in twenty years and spent way more time than was really necessary studying for those tests. Last week was spent in a haze of studying and keeping up with my family and household. Ok, truth be told I didn't keep up with the housework. This place is an absolute mess! I thought I would get around to cleaning today, but I have come down with something and have zero energy for cleaning.

It is going to be a frozen dinner kind of night around here tonight! The dishes are all dirty and there really isn't anything to cook anyway. I haven't had a chance to shop for groceries either. Nobody wants my germs in their food anyway.

In my quest to find myself something to do other than sit around the house feeling depressed I volunteered to work in the Sunday school at church, signed up for a book club, joined a mom's group, and joined a women's bible study group. Ya! All that on top of college courses and everyday responsibilities. It is too much. I've dropped the book club. I actually want to drop the Sunday school thing too. I feel like I really can't though. They were so in need of help and were really grateful that I volunteered. I feel a bit stuck with it. It wouldn't be bad except that some of the other volunteers really ticked me off this past Sunday. That is a story (and a post) all to itself though.

I no longer feel as though I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. Instead I feel burdened by the fact that I have something/somewhere too often. It is a double edged sword. I hate being bored and feeling like I have nothing, but I also hate feeling obligated to be somewhere at a certain time. I am a last minute plans kinda gal. I'm also known to change my mind and back out of something at the last minute just because I don't feel like it at that exact moment.

So right now I am wishing I could just lay in bed and rest since I feel so cruddy. Headache, sore throat, no energy, muscle aches. I thought I was having allergy issues since it all started with watery eyes and sinus issues, but it has evolved into something worse. Hub is not here and the older kids are at school and both have things going on tonight, so it is just me here with Tot, so crawling into bed and sleeping the illness away is not an option.

I know the stress I was feeling last week has contributed to me being sick. Stress weakens the immune system and makes you more prone to illness. I was seriously stressed out last week! Not just the stress of school but also financial issues. The tests are over, but the financial problems are just snowballing! What is that old saying? something about borrowing from Peter to payback Paul? That is the place we're in right now. Debt just keeps piling up because we've had to borrow money to pay bills and now the bills are due again and we still owe the money to the people we borrowed from. So, I am dealing with high stress and illness and the two just build off of each other.

I am struggling to find joy in my life right now. I'm happy with my family right now and there is joy in that. The kids are all doing well and Hub has been good and helpful in various ways. I just can't find the joy within myself.

I had really been finding myself again through some creative writing but I haven't had time for that at all either. So now I am lost again. This time I am lost under a pile of responsibilities and obligations rather than in a sea of despair. I guess that is improvement, but I still hate feeling so lost.

Why would I want that?

2010-09-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Mind numbing pain screams through my brain. I know I should look away from the screen. There is no point or reason for me to continue to stare. Nothing there is worthwhile. It is an escape. Nothing more. A way to avoid reality. I simply do not want to face the fact that I am stuck, once again, at home on a beautiful Saturday.

Why does it seem that the day is a waste if we have nowhere to go and nothing to do outside our home?

Why can I not be happy playing a board game or making crafts?

Why do I feel like a loser with no life if I am stuck at home, jusy myself and Tot?

The throbbing in my head builds. It pulses behind my eye. An indication that I have stared at this computer screen for far too long. I know the headache is caused from the hours I have sat staring at this stupid screen. Staring at nothing important. Constantly checking email that contains nothing new. Frequent checks of social networks that only increase my depression. Status updates and photos of so-called friends going to wonderful places and doing cool things. All while I am stuck here at home, doing nothing.

Nothing but ignoring my child.

Avoiding doing things that might actually be enjoyable and not a huge waste of my time.

Why do I continue to sit and stare at this screen?
Why don't I do something with my poor ignored child?

Why?

Because maybe then I might actually feel a bit of joy or happiness. Why would I want that when it suits me so well to sit and wallow in depression and self-loathing?

My head hurts physically, but the pain inside is worse.

It is not a good day in my head.

Changes

2010-09-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme hosted by Jenny Matlock.

You can use UP to 100 words (not including the prompt) to tell your story. You cannot use pictures to illustrate your story. It can be fact or fiction. The only restriction is the prompt must be left intact WHICH MEANS you cannot split up the words in the prompt.

Here is my effort for the week. (prompt is in red):

"This is never going to come out," she thought as she scrubbed at the spot on the worn carpet. Suddenly, she heard a high pitched scream. Quickly looking up she saw her daughter, Katie, chasing a group of kids around the room. She was screaming with laughter as she gave chase. It was Katie’s sixth birthday and yet this was the first time she’d ever had a party. It had been six months since Katie’s adoption had been finalized. This happy, laughing girl hardly resembled the frightened, timid child they had brought home. “This fruit punch is never going to come out,” she thought again, “and I don’t care!”

So Here I Am

2010-09-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I made a very big decision. I decided to start college. It's been twenty years since I graduated high school, may as well go ahead and get started right?

Now of course this was something that I put a lot of thought into. It is something that I took a lot of time to think over, weighing pros and cons and making sure it was the right decision. Naturally, I spent weeks or maybe even months researching online schools to find just the right one, making sure it was fully accredited and that the credits I earn will be transferable to other colleges and that my degree with be viewed with respect. I looked deeply into myself reflecting on my interests and strengths to be sure that I enter into exactly the right degree program for the career that will suit me best.

Of course I did all that!
Ok....
No! I didn't do any of that.

I got a wild hair up my arse that I want to be a teacher. So, I looked around online for a few hours looking for a school that would offer an online degree in teaching. Ok, no I didn't really think I would find one. Then, I kind of did find one. I sent for more info. A few days later I got a call from the school. Well, actually starting that very day I got several calls a day from some strange long-distance number that I avoided answering in fear that it was a bill collecter and then I finally realized a few days later that it was the school calling. The teaching degree thing wasn't available in my state. Turns out we have high standards here. Who knew?

The guy on the phone who sounded either really sick, really drunk or like he had a cleft lip, went on to tell me about a couple other degree programs they have that I could do and then once I had my associates I could enroll in a bachelors in education program because, "it really doesn't matter what your associates degree is in". Yes, I knew that sounded stupid. Yes, I still went ahead and signed up for one of those other programs. Sick, drink, cleft lip guy got me all set up in the next few days, running me through the enrollment process and all the financial aid stuff. I qualified for the max amount in grants. Sometimes being dead ass poor has its advantages. Again, who knew?

The Friday before I was supposed to start classes I talked with an academic advisor. He sounded healthy, sober and cleft free. He also found out that I was originally interested in the teaching degree and he went on a bit of a tirade about how I should be in an education specific program for my associates. He even went so far as to look up schools in my state that I should be attending instead of the school he works for. He gave me a lot of good information and advice. I explained to healthy, sober, cleft free guy that I didn't have time for real school and had to do it online. He found a state school that offers an education degree online. Then he proceeded to pull me from my classes so I could have time to contact this other school and look into attending there instead.

At this point healthy, sober, cleft free guy had done so much to be really helpful, and was so nice to me that I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't exactly totally sure I want to be a teacher. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just a wild hair decision and that I really only wanted to go to college and get a degree to prove to myself, my family and the rest of the world that I can do it. So, I let him pull me from my classes.

That Monday I did call the school he found. It is a good school with a great program for teaching degrees. That is good to know since Dot is considering a teaching career. It didn't really work for me though. The online program is to get a bachelor's degree. I am still in need of my associates. I was one of those genius kids that decided against college when I graduate high school. I did ask about the school I was officially already enrolled in to see if my credits would transfer over to this school. Ummmm... not so much. Grrrrrrrrrrreat!

Yes, I did stay enrolled in this school anyway. I did go ahead and start classes the next week. Many of the credits I earn probably won't transfer over to most schools. It was probably a really stupid choice to have stayed with this school. I don't even care. If I have to spend extra time and take extra courses at another school later, so be it. I just knew that if I didn't get started, I would never do this.

I need this!

I need to prove to myself I can function at the college level. I need to know that I am capable of doing this. And yes, I need to prove it to everyone else too. Not for them. For me.

So here I am. A college student. A college student in an online program at an iffy school, but a college student none the less.

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D

2010-09-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am becoming increasigly frustrated with Hub on the parenting front. I am put in the position of being the mean parent. Most often I am the one who handles discipline. I make Tot put away his toys, and put him in time-out when he acts out. I am the one who makes him eat his veggies before he gets ice cream. Me! Me me me me me!!!

I am used to it being this way, but it is frustrating.

The newest frustration comes not from having to be the mean parent, but from also having to be the only parent that works on the really difficult things. The only parent who actually pays attention at therapy appointments. The only parent who actually reads all the information the therapists send home. I then have to explain it all to Hub and try to get him to see the importance of actually following through on all of it.

How are we ever going to help Tot and make real progress if only one of us is involved in the therapy and implementing plans of action?

Want to know what triggered this little explosion of frustration just now?
We just got a book of information and techniques for dealing with Tot's anger and aggression issues. It is a lot to read through. I am super busy with school stuff (ya, I actually started school. i will post on that later. MUCH to say!) and it would be a HUGE help for Hub to read some of this stuff so I don't have to read it all. So.... Hub goes into the bathroom with some junk mail to read for the hour he'll be in there. Seriously?!? Why the hell couldn't he have taken the big book of information we got from the therapist that needs to be read?!?!?!?

I AM SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Electric Demon

2010-09-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday Centus time again. I've normally done these on Saturday, but thankfully Jenny Matlock gives us the entire week to post our efforts. I had a more pressing and depressing matter to attend to this week.

This is a themed writing meme where you can use UP to 100 words (not including the prompt) to tell your story. It can be fact or fiction. The only restrictions are: The prompt must be left intact AND you cannot split up the words in the prompt.

Here is my contribution for the week. I am sticking with the mood of the week around here. This one is a bit dark, but I assure you it is fiction. So have no worries about me. :)

The wind whipped my hair into my face. Each tendril struck at my cheeks with the force of a whip. My eyes stung with tears, though not from the pain of the strikes. No, it was the pain in my heart, in my very soul, which brought forth the raging tears. Thunder crackled loudly as lightning ripped the sky like an electric demon. I lifted my face toward heaven and let the rain mix with the tears on my face. I held my arms outstretched and dared the electric currents blazing above to strike me where I stood. Indeed, it was a dark and stormy night.

Moments

2010-09-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

There are times I wonder how I ended up with this life. Those times can last days, weeks or even months.

Then there are moments that I am reminded why I made the choices I did. While they last considerably shorter than those bad times, they make a much bigger impact. A few minutes of heartfelt, honest conversation heal my soul. A brief moment of tenderness restores my belief. Blue eyes filled with love and emotion make my heart skip a beat.

The man I love is in there. And those moments when I see him shining through are precious if few.

A different kind of enabling

2010-08-30T01:04:00.000-07:00

Hub is my enabler. Ya, he is mine. This is a new realization for me. I can't help but wonder.... what the hell took me so long to see this???

Since losing my job back in early 2008, I have had sporadic bouts of employment. The first was a pretty decent opportunity in a physician's office. I worked there for about two weeks. I spent nearly every day of those two weeks complaining about how poorly I was being trained for my position and how I felt like I wasn't catching on the way I should. After two weeks of my complaining, Hub said, "if you don't like it there, just quit". I did.

I started the next job almost immediately. It was an early morning shift at a fast food place. I had actually been offered this one just days before being offered the office job and backed out when I got the better offer. After quitting the first job, I talked to the manager at the fast food place, fed him a line of bullshit as to why I didn't come to work for him. He bought it. (I am an extremely talented bullshit artist. So much so that it is really not in my best interest to use this particular talent.) It seemed logical that working in fast food would not require a lot of deep thought or need for real knowledge and therefor would be relatively stress free. I didn't feel inadequate like I did at the office job. It was indeed fairly simple. Take orders, run the register, bag some food, wipe counters, blah blah blah. It was in fact very, very blah. I would find myself completely done with all my work and still had hours left to go on my shift. That place was shiny clean from top to bottom, which is saying a lot considering how it looked on my first day, after about a month of working there. I told Hub repeatedly how bored I was there. He told me, "No shit! I knew you would hate it. If you don't like it there, just quit". I did.

It was several months later when a very good opportunity came along. Very good. Great pay, better insurance, opportunity to advance, and it was in the field I had worked for several years before getting the axe. It was the perfect job. What was even better was that I hadn't even applied for the job. They came looking for me based on a resume I had posted at one of those online job sites. I was the perfect candidate for the position. I went through all the training and background clearances. I began searching for daycare for Tot. I interviewed two different places. One was a daycare center and it was pretty pricey. The other was a home daycare. I spent an hour in this woman's home and witnessed her kid getting away with attempted murder while another little boy was yelled at if he even thought about breathing. Not a place I was going to take my son. I began to worry about finding the right place to take Tot. I'd be worried no matter what, but with the added effects of an autism spectrum disorder I was terrified of leaving him the hands of a stranger. I shared those concerns with Hub. He told me, "I'd rather you were home with him anyway. Just call and tell them you can't take the job". I did.

The latest job was this past summer. I referred to it as "the monkey job", as in a monkey could do it. (I mentioned it back in this post) Of course I wasn't happy about that fact, but I was willing to deal with it. I hated my supervisor. Hate is a strong word, but I'm standing by it in this case. The people I worked with were unfriendly. I was miserable. Naturally, I shared all this with Hub. He told me, "If you hate it so much, just quit". I didn't. Not right away at least. I stuck it out for a little while. There were days I wanted to just keep on driving and never turn back rather than go to work, but I went. There were days I was literally on the verge of tears, but I continued to go back. Then one day, I just couldn't do it anymore. Hub had told me repeatedly that I should quit if I was so unhappy there, so I knew he'd back up my decision. I left and never went back.

I have so much more to say about the monkey job, but that is a post for another day. This one is about my enabler. My husband who for two years now has enabled my habit of quitting jobs. There are so many mental and emotional factors that go into "why" I can't hold a job. I need strong support to work through them and beat them. I need encouragement to keep a job, to hang in there until I get past the mental blocks that make me want to run. Instead, I get the enabling statement of "just quit".

I have gone back and forth on how I viewed Hub's willingness to have me quit jobs. I have thought of it as him being very supportive of me and my feelings. I have thought of it as his way of keeping me financially unable to ever leave him. I think though, that this time I really hit on what it really is. He is my enabler. Here we are yet again, co-existing in co-dependency.

The Promise

2010-08-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Jenny Matlock threw another curve ball at us this week for Saturday Centus. This week's assignment: Take any other SC stories (yours or someone elses) and using ANOTHER 100 WORDS...tell us the "rest of the story".

I have only been doing this for a few weeks, so I didn't have a lot to choose from within my own work. I didn't really need choices though, because there was one story that I knew I wasn't done with. It was easy to choose Kitschy as the story I would build on. I have added another 100 words (after some serious editing and cutting) and I still don't feel like I'm done with this one. So don't be surprised if you see this one continue at a later date.

My original story is first in italics, followed by ~~the rest of~~ more of the story.

Sophie loves to drag me along to estate sales. She calls it searching for treasures and loves to make comments about how "kitschy" or "retro" things are. Personally, I find estate sales depressing. The whole reason to have one is because someone has died. It's sad to me to see a person's whole life spread out on tables with price tags. Every single item had a story, a memory attached that will now forever be lost.
Last week Sophie met with an estate sale agent. I listened to them from my perch on the top step and didn't know whether to laugh or to cry...
as she made arrangements for our mother's estate sale, my sister finally understood me.

I ran my hand along the faded patches on the wall where Mom's paintings once hung. As a little girl I would stare at them, imagining myself playing in the streams of that beautiful Scottish glen. I watched as Sophie shook her head. "I just think maybe I should hold on to these," she said. "It was Mom's dream to visit Scotland. Dad bought her these paintings as a promise...”

I hurried to her side. “We can’t keep it all Sophie. You have to let some things go.”

Tears streaming from her eyes she sobbed, “She never made it there.”

Fed to the wolves

2010-08-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of school and I was dropping Sonny off at the middle school. As we approached the drop off zone I noticed several tiny kids walking toward the school. It was some of the new batch of sixth graders. Their sixth grade status was obvious due to both their tiny stature and the nervous look in their eyes. They looked so cute that I couldn’t help but utter, “aaaaaaaaaaw! Look at the little sixth graders! They are so adorable.” I am a mom after all and the sight of those tiny sixers brings back memories of the days when my own kids, now giant teenagers, were tiny little things off to their first day of middle school.

Just as Sonny was hurrying out of the car, I spotted the cutest little sixer yet. He was even tinier than the others with a mop of white blonde hair on his head and a backpack nearly as big as he was on his back. I was opening my mouth to utter another “aaaaaaaaaaaaw” when I spotted something else about this little guy. My aaaw suddenly turned into a “noooooooooooooo”. The poor little guy was wearing shorts, and he had on gym socks! How could he not know? What about his mother? Where was she when he got dressed this morning? Does she work early? Is she not there when he gets ready for school? Surely she must not be, because what mother would let her child go to middle school wearing shorts and long white socks? It is the equivalent of dressing him in a sheep costume and setting him in the middle of a pack of wolves. He’ll be eaten alive!

I had an overwhelming urge to burst out of my car, run over to him and pull his socks down around his ankles. That was, of course, overpowered by my desire to not be arrested for accosting an eleven year old. I had no choice but to simply drive away.

Rest in peace adorable, little sixth grader. Rest in peace.

the climb

2010-08-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

Co-dependency. I refuse to let it define me. To do so would be to let it control my life. I've been at that point before and for too long. My life is so much more than that. I am more than just the wife of a sex addict. My past is more than those moments of heartbreaking betrayal. There is joy there as well. Honestly, there are more moments of spectacular blessing than there are of gut wrenching pain. Somehow, I have found it within me to make the choice to look back and focus on the good. While I will never forget the pains of the past, I can now look at those moments and say, "screw you! you have not damaged me. you've only made me stronger, wiser and more capable."

I was going to say that I am a new me, but that is not true. I am the same me I always was, just a better version of me.

My life may still be on the rocks, but it's not at rock bottom anymore. I truly feel like I am finally making the climb.

Hang in there Baby

2010-08-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

I took Tot to the dentist this morning. His appointment was at 8am which meant I had to wake up at an ungodly hour to get him there. We arrived a few minutes before 8 and had to wait to check in because they were having their morning staff meeting. 8:05 and we were still waiting. Why schedule 8am appointments if you're not going to even check people in before then? Make them 8:15 appointments and actually get going on time! I could have slept an extra fifteen minutes for cripes sake!

Now that all that is out of the way I can get to my actual point...

I remember going to the dentist as a kid. A lot! I was genetically doomed to bad teeth. Add to that a terrible Lik-m-aid habit and a tendency not to brush and it equals fillings in nearly every tooth. All those cavities meant plenty of hours in the chair. During those torturous visits to the dentist, reclined back in the chair of tortures I had one thing to amuse me.

After about the 8th filling or so, you could say this particular bit of amusement lost it's ability to amuse. Sure he's cute and all, but after awhile I started to imagine him falling. Sometimes he would plummet to his death. Other times he would leap ferociously down upon me and cause my death. When I was feeling especially fed up with the whole dental care thing, he would leap down and attack the dentist. He may look like a sweet ball of fluff, but in my imagination he was a kitty ninja!

Times have changed at the dentist office. No stupid "hang in there baby" posters for kids these days. Nope! Tot got to lay back and watch the Disney Channel on a tv in the ceiling. The kid next to him? He was playing Xbox on his screen in the sky. Five 19" screens installed in the ceiling with cable tv, dvd, and video game systems installed. All of it controlled from the computers that the hygienists used to pull up dental records, xrays and most likely contact NASA if they felt the urge.

Somehow I think I was better off with the ninja kitty.

Welcome Back Hope

2010-08-22T20:23:00.001-07:00

For years now I have taken an agnostic view on the world, life, and creation. I didn't really believe and yet a part of me was afraid not to believe. I couldn't see how such a thing could really be possible. Life felt like such drudgery. How could there be purpose? Why would someone have created a place and beings that were all so random? None of it made sense. It was all too illogical for me. And yet....
I wanted to believe.
It was a huge realization for me. I wasn't just afraid not to believe. I actually wanted to believe.

A few months ago I felt that want growing. I began to seek out answers to my questions. I wanted to not just ask "how?" and "why?", I wanted to know the answers.

My search for answers led me to a church. Now, this was an extremely important step in my journey toward belief. The wrong church (many of which I have attended in my lifetime) would have pushed me right back into that agnostic view in which I'd felt comfortable for so long. Or worse, it could have pushed me beyond agnostic and right into the depths of atheism. It was a matter of pure grace that I landed in the back row of the particular church that I did. A place where their very purpose is to reach those who are lost, those who are searching and those who have nearly lost all hope. A place for people like me.

I have never been one to spout religion to those around me. One aspect of organized religion that I truly hate is the act of pushing that religion onto others. My strong feelings on that mean that I will not spout religion here on this public forum, nor will I push for others to believe simply because I do. I bring all this up here today simply because it is important to my climb from the rocks.

Today I heard a message that helped me to take another step up in that climb. I wish to share it here as a way to journal that step.

I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself... what a miserable person I am! Who will free me?
Romans 7:15, 24

I found this message powerful in two ways. One, I have felt that way myself. And two, because I know this is how Hub feels. He has said to me almost this exact message. Not the same words of course, but indeed the same thoughts and feelings that it expresses. This is the very way his SA makes him feel.

There have been many times that I heard Hub saying the words, but I never really let the true feelings he was sharing sink in. I never allowed myself to view him as a tortured soul. I only ever looked at myself as the injured party to his weakness, to him allowing himself to do the things he did. What a miserable person he is. It is something he recognizes and I think that recognition is a sign that there is hope.

Hope is something I've not felt in a long time. It's good to welcome it back in our lives.

The Drive

2010-08-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

This is entry #2 for me for Saturday Centus this week. It's a story that just had to be told. So why not do it in 100 words?

WHAT I DID OVER MY SUMMER VACATION

My fingers gripped the handle of the car door tight enough to turn my knuckles white. This was the most nerve wracking ride of my life. I realized I was holding my breath and had to remind myself to breath. In, out, In, out.... oh crap! DEEP BREATH IN! I wanted to close my eyes as we whipped around the corner at way too fast of a speed, but that was not an option. I had to keep my cool, had to remain calm, had to remain in control of the situation. I had to teach my daughter to drive.

summer vacation

2010-08-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

Jenny Matlock had a little something different planned for this week's Saturday Centus. "Your story must be written in first person AND must be exactly 100 words long. It can be fact or fiction.
So...
Exactly 100 words, first person, fact or fiction...What I did over my Summer Vacation. AND What I did over my Summer Vacation is the title of your essay not to be included in the 100 words! "

WHAT I DID OVER MY SUMMER VACATION

Tiny pebbles between my toes,
a precarious balancing act fighting to stay afloat on my two dollar raft,
watching a happy five year old throw rocks at the shore,
listening to the laughter of teenagers actually enjoying time with the family,
seeing my husband fall off his raft and get up laughing,
water splashing back and forth in a classic water battle,
sand castles formed with care being smashed by plastic bulldozers,
the warm summer sun shining down upon five happy people resting on towels in the sand,
a heavenly glimpse at the way life was and should always be.

I LOVE this week's prompt so much I think I will do another version of it later. I had another idea on what to write and I can't resist the urge. I'll update later!

The Cup of Cappuccino

2010-08-15T01:10:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how one little event can take what was promising to be a pretty good day and make it total shit. I had such a day this past week.

Dot and Sonny went to visit their dad for a couple of days after being home for two straight weeks, which with two teenager can feel like two years. Two years of constantly bored, constantly hungry, picking on each other, whiny, bossy, bitchy torture.

Hub and I were getting along amazingly well, actually speaking to each other rather than quietly passing each other by. We even made plans to go out to dinner.

Even more amazing is the fact that it was nearly 4pm and Tot had been meltdown free and well behaved. Yes, it was a good day. Until...

I was standing in the middle of the living room when I noticed the cappuccino cup. It had started off that morning as mine. Hub had gone to get himself a coffee and for some reason I asked him to pick me up a cappuccino. This is not something I would normally drink in the middle of August with temperatures in the hundreds everyday. And yet, I asked for one. I drank about half of it, truly enjoy the deliciousness, before I began to pool with sweat and gave it up. I offered the remainder to Dot who accepted it, took a few swallows and then left the rest behind as she headed out the door to go to her father's.

Now, here I was, staring at the cup of cappuccino sitting on the corner of Tot's little table. A table meant for snack time, coloring and building blocks. Not a table meant to be a place for people to set drinks of any kind. At the moment my eyes fell upon that cup I knew, I knew, it was going to spill. Sure enough, not a second had passed by after having that thought when I saw Tot was not more than a foot from the table. I managed to get the word, "Don't...." out before it happened.

Tot swung his blanket, his trusty friend who never leaves his side, in the air like a lasso. Then blanket, that little blue thorn in my side, whipped out and knocked the cup of cappaccino off the table. It wasn't enough that it spilled though. Oh no! It had to land directly on the laptop which had been tucked away between the table and the couch. It didn't just land on the computer though. Of course it didn't. It landed in such a way that the opening in the lid was now pouring directly into the air vents on the back of the laptop. It didn't matter that I reacted with lightening speed and dashed across the room faster than Superman could have, I still wasn't quick enough. Kharma had landed that cup in that exact position to pour out the cappuccino in a steady stream, in exactly the right spot on the laptop to do the most damage. And it all happened in about 4.2 seconds.

The computer was fried.
But it wasn't our computer.
No. Our computer was in the shop being repaired.
This was the loaner computer.

We were now faced with not only having to pay for the repairs on our own computer, but having to pay for the loaner computer as well.

Hub and I getting along amazingly well? The two of us actually talking to each other? That stopped realy quick. Right after I asked the question, "do you ever feel like you're cursed?" and he answered with "every day of my life". Ya, that will put a halt on the conversation. I mean, how do you respond to that? "Thanks honey. Life with you is one big freaking curse too."

That dinner we had planned? That sure as hell didn't happen.

Kitschy

2010-08-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

This is my 2nd attempt at Saturday Centus. I will admit that last week's prompt was much easier for me. There was really only one direction I felt it could go. This week's prompt could have gone a hundred different directions and I wasn't sure which path to take. It finally became totally clear to me what I wanted to do with it, but then struggled with keeping it under 100 words. I'd love to take this further (as it really is a subject i have strong feelings on, although the story here is fiction), perhaps another time.

Saturday Centus is a themed writing meme wher you are given a "prompt". It must be 100 words or less, not including the "prompt" words. The prompt words can be used in any place within your story but must be left intact. You cannot split the prompt.

the prompt is in color
here is my entry. i call it KITSCHY

Sophie loves to drag me along to estate sales. She calls it searching for treasures and loves to make comments about how "kitschy" or "retro" things are. Personally, I find estate sales depressing. The whole reason to have one is because someone has died. It's sad to me to see a person's whole life spread out on tables with price tags. Every single item had a story, a memory attached that will now forever be lost.
Last week Sophie met with an estate sale agent. I listened to them from my perch on the top step and didn't know whether to laugh or to cry...
as she made arrangements for our mother's estate sale, my sister finally understood me.

caught

2010-08-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

I went to bed early last night because I needed to be up early this morning. Hub had worked late so he stayed up for a couple more hours, saying he needed to eat and wind down.

When I turned on the computer this morning I clicked the little star up in the corner. You know, the one that leads to favorites, links and history? I keep it on favorites because that's my shortcut to my daily sites. This morning when I clicked it, there was the history showing instead of favorites. That is a sure sign that Hub did something he shouldn't have on the computer after I went to bed. He will always go into the history to erase it, trying to hide whatever sites he was on. Leaving it on history is kind of a rookie mistake. One that he actually knows will get his ass caught. So now I am left to wonder if he was hoping to get caught. If so.... why?

comments

2010-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say I appreciate everyone's heartfelt comments on my posts. It helps to know people care and that my words can make people feel something. :) Many of them have given me much to think about as well.
I have much to share from a soul wearying day but just wanted to say a quick thanks and also to let people know that I am indeed getting your comments. Awhile back I started getting weird comments in what looks like Chinese or something. Then I would get weird fortune cookie type sayings on posts. It all kinda weirded me out so I have set the comments on moderation so that I can read them first and choose whether or not to publish them on the blog.

Thanks everyone for visiting me here at rock bottom.

where am i?

2010-08-09T03:56:00.000-07:00

Marriage has given way to more of a partnership in parenthood. That is where I am. Where we are. We co-exist in co-dependency. Somehow it fits and makes a weird sort of sense right now.

Are we in recovery? No. At least not formally. Neither of us is in that place. I think I'm closer to it than Hub is, but I'm still not quite there.

Is everything wonderful? Of course not, but I can look at Hub and not want to push him in front of a bus. That's progress.

He hasn't acted out since returning from our separation. I am not delusional enough to think he never will again, but again... it's progress.

Life is not how I envisioned it would be. And yet, I am in a place of accepetance of all this.

trash day

2010-08-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'd had enough. I just needed to get out of the house, now. Slamming the car door, I noticed in the mirror that the garbage can was at the end of the drive. Trash day. How fitting that title was for a day like today. Overrun with anger and the need to flee, I attempted to back around the can. Turns out it's true... objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear, and apparantly they are a little the right as well. I sat staring at the refuse scattered on the lawn, and in it, saw my life.

This is my first attempt at joining in on Saturday Centus. A themed writing meme that must be 100 words or less, and include the "prompt" words. Therefor the preceeding was fiction, with a splash of truth. :) The prompt words are in color.

i don't want to play with you anymore!

2010-08-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've learned a valuable lesson in the past few months. It's a blogging lesson, so if you're new to the blogging world you'll want to pay close attention.

I follow alot of blogs. Not through this blog account, but through a different one where I don't try to hide my face or identity. No, it's the "let's put on a shiny happy face and pretend life is grand" blog account. I have a real love of reading blogs through a reader or a feed. I don't want to have to actually go visit people's blogs. Oh, the horror of the idea! Kidding. mostly! Of course what is easier than adding a blog to my reader feed is to just click that little follow button right there on the blog. You'll see one right here on this blog, over there to the left, unless of course you are reading this in a reader feed. Then you don't see how cool my blog actually looks and you're missing out on all it's true glory. Hey, just cause I don't want to have to go to people's actual blogs doesn't mean you shouldn't come to mine. You should. Definitely!

The valuable lesson I have learned involves that little follow button. Once you've clicked it, then the blog owner knows you're following. Your little avatar is right there on their blog, showing them that you care about what they are writing, that you are tuned in. But what happens if you decide you don't really care about what they are writing? What happens if you no longer want to be tuned in? Sure you can go back to the blog and stop following. But then your little avatar thing goes away and they know you stopped following them. I just can't do that. It reminds me too much of the playground in elementary school when one kid goes up to another and says "I don't want to play with you. You aren't my friend anymore." Ouch!

So now I am "trapped" into following a blog that irritates me. (this is the other account we are talking about now) That blog started off good. This person's child has autism which I related to since Tot does as well. When I'd first found this blog it was all about the struggles of dealing with many of the behaviors that come with it. Now, however, the blog has turned into this gushing fountain of bragging about the kid. Oh great! the kid is only three and is reading the entire Little House series of books all by herself. Good for her. Tot can spell cat now. Wow! she's mastered addition and subtraction as well. How terrific. Tot can count to thirteen. She's diving off the high dive and swimming the length of the pool in one breath? Well ain't that swell! Tot actually released his death grip from around my neck in the pool the other day.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for the kid that she can do all the things she can. But I don't want to hear about it every stinking day. It's hard enough getting through each day with the struggles we have with Tot. I can't take a daily "rub it your face" post about how this kid who started out with the same issues has excelled so far while Tot still struggles with things that should come natural for a kid. The fact is, I just don't relate to this person and their situation anymore. But it comes down to the reality that it makes me, once again, bitter and petty that I look at their happiness and think "why the hell can't that be us". So taking my little avatar off that blog would feel like a public acknowledgement of that fact.

Of course if you're reading this then you should totally click on the follow me button here on this blog. I'll only check like ever other day to make sure you're avatar is still there.

farewell to thee

2010-08-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

It was with great excitement and expectation that I planted my little garden. It wasn't much. Just a few of my favorite vegetables. A row of carrots, another of lettuce, a few carefully sculpted mounds planted with zucchini, yellow squash and cucumber seeds. It was an experiment as I had never attempted to plant a garden before. I knew that with my track record of killing house plants that there was a high chance of failure for this little veggie patch. And yet, I had high hopes.

Within a couple weeks of planting the seeds, everything looked good. Tiny plants were beginning to sprout from the ground. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment at the site of those little bits of green life.

The lettuce was the first casualty. Just a couple of weeks after showing those first signs of life, my lettuce just sort of vanished. It was there one day, and the next it was gone. Well, to be honest I am not entirely sure it was the next day. It may have been a couple of days. Or perhaps three. I was doing really good at watering the garden, but then it rained for several days and I didn't need to water it. Then the rain stopped for a few days and I had gotten so accustomed to not watering that I kind of forgot to do it. Somehow the lettuce mysteriously disappeared after that.

The next veggie to fall victim was the carrots. After the sad loss of my lettuce, I made sure to water the garden every single day. I watered it a lot. I mean there were days that I left the sprinkler on for hours. Those carrots were so well watered that they even had a standing pool of water in their row of the garden. My kids didn't get to swim as often as my carrots did. And yet, somehow, the carrots mysteriously disappeared as well.

Now it was just the zucchini, squash and cucumbers left in my little garden. They had survived the natural disaster knows as a drought and thanks to those hills they were planted in, they survived the monsoon as well. I continued to water each day and for only about thirty minutes to an hour, depending on how badly the sun was blazing down. The remainder of my veggies were doing quite well. Then one day, I went outside and the zucchini was laying down totally mangled. They had fallen victim to a phenomenon known as rodents. I believe the rodents were of the bunny kind.

I really had meant to put up a nice fence around my little garden, but then on the way to the store I was passing Sonic and since it was happy hour I couldn't just drive by without stopping for half priced drinks. I think there might actually be a law against that, and in the words of the great Bill Murray, "it's a federal law too, it's not just a state thing". Of course once in the Sonic parking lot it seemed a shame to simply order drinks. I mean they do have fantastic onion rings, but you can't eat onion rings without getting an extra long cheese coney! And well, I couldn't just order food for myself when I had the kids in the car. I mean, I could have but it would have been kinda cruel and might have caused a mutiny. So two extra long cheese coneys, an order of onion rings, an order of popcorn chicken, a cheeseburger, two orders of tots and four half priced drinks later... I suddenly realized I no longer had the money to buy the fence for the garden. I figured it would be ok though. I had never actually seen bunnies in our yard before. Turns out that once you plant tasty veggies, the bunnies feel sort of invited in for a feast. Who knew?

After the death of the poor zucchini, I was much more vigilant and put up some borders around the garden and continued to faithfully water, but not too much, the garden. The squash and cucumbers were both bursting with flowers. It was a good sign. They were doing well and would soon be bearing delicious veggies.

Everything looked so good and was so close to actually producing real food that I kinda thought they would be okay for just a couple of days while we went out of town. I mean, I did consider the idea of asking the neighbor to water them while we were gone. I know she would have. It was only two days and I watered really well before we left and it was supposed to rain. It was only two little days. How was I supposed to know they would be the two hottest days of the year??? So we arrived home to another veggie death. Guess even the healthiest of veggie plants can't survive 110 degree weather with no rain.

I gave that little garden all I had. At least I did on the days I remembered to water it. And on the days I didn't forget that the sprinkler was on until six hours later. And when I belatedly put up a border to keep out the wildlife. And when I was actually home to take care of them and wasn't relying on the weather man to actually be right for once.

I am really sad that my veggies didn't make it! I had such high hopes.

Well, at least I have Sonic happy hour.

Drowning in a sea of milkshakes

2010-07-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have been gaining weight at a slow and steady pace. Slow enough that it is not easily noticed, but steady enough that I need a larger size of clothing. Fifteen pounds and a new shirt size may not seem like like such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but then again that is what I thought about the first five pounds. I know that if I don't change things that the pounds, and inches, will keep slowly and steadily sneaking on.

The worst of it is... I have become an emotional eater. Years ago, if I were stressed, upset, worried, I would lose my appetite. My stomach would be in such knots that I wouldn't be able to eat. When I divorced my first husband, ten years ago, I lost about 20 pounds. It was all because I was so stressed out that my stomach was constantly bothering me and I couldn't eat. Damn, I miss that! Now, when I am feeling stressed I climb into loaf of fresh baked bread, or a huge slice of chocolate cake. I drown my worries in soda and milkshakes. I don't know why the food makes me feel better, but it does. And all I really want right now is TO JUST FEEL BETTER.

Do I give up the comforting effects of my beloved foods? Or do I give up this emotional crutch?
I know which I should do.... just a matter of deciding that I want to do it.

What I am

2010-06-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am a petty, jealous and bitter person. Just thought I should get that out there.

When other people get to do fun things that I can't afford to do...
it pisses me off!

When my ex buys something for the kids that I wanted to get them but couldn't...
it pisses me off!

When someone goes on a fantastic vacation I am not at all happy for them because I am too pissed off that I didn't get to go.

When my kids are all excited because their father and step mother took them to do something fun and cool, I am bitter because I wasn't the one that got to take them.

I hate that I am this way. I really do. That doesn't change things though.
Knowing that I am wrong to be so petty, jealous and bitter does nothing to keep me from actually being that way.
And that pisses me off too.

Random thoughts from a tired mind

2010-06-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

I really need to lose about 20 30 pounds. While I had a great plan in mind to lose the weight, I just can't keep my fat ass from eating crap I shouldn't. Like right now... I was craving french toast so I made myself some. The big stuff, made with texas toast, and then smeared it with strawberry jam and sprinkled it with powdered sugar. Because that will help me lose the weight! Uck!!! I feel like total crap now. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't even hungry for craps sake!
I'll probably go throw it all up in a few minutes. Ya, I know! I shouldn't. But I probably will. No, it isn't something I do all the time, but I do it occasionally. Whenever I really binge and eat a lot of something I shouldn't when I'm not even hungry I tend to purge. Happens maybe once every couple of weeks. I know it's not healthy. Lecturing me won't help and it won't stop me from doing it. Hell, there are times I wish I'd just go full on bulimic and purge every freaking day. That is the place I am in mentally these days. I actually wish I were bulimic. I'd prefer it to being fat. The fact that I know it will screw up my health is a big part of why I don't. Another big reason is that I can't purge quietly, so I only do it when no one else is around. I know I am on a slippery slope where I could lose control (if i even have it) and can no longer stop myself. I don't even care. I've never been fat before and I hate it. Hate it!!! And I hate myself for letting my body get this way.
The day actually started off pretty good. I got a lot done around the house and was feeling really great about myself. (that was pre-french toast) The backyard is basically a field of dirt that becomes a massive mud pit whenever it rains. Lately it has rained enough to make Noah start gathering the animals. It's been our plan for months to seed the backyard with grass. Every time I mentioned doing it, Hubs would tell me not to because he would get to it the next day. Three months after buying the big ass bag of seed, he still hadn't done it. So, today I seeded. I didn't get the whole yard done because it is a freaking huge yard. I got a good chunk of it done though, so I hope it will start to grow fairly quickly. I also weeded my veggie garden while I was out there. When I came in, I cleaned off all the mud and then gave the bathroom a really deep cleaning. Like I said, I got a lot done and felt great about it.
I decided that I planted my garden in a really bad spot. The back two rows are ruined. They started off really good. I could see the lettuce and carrots coming up nicely. Then the rains moved into town. Those two back rows get flooded when it rains. The water just pools up there and drowned those poor veggies. The lettuce is totally done for and I can see just one little carrot green sticking up. Most of the other stuff I planted is still doing good so far. Every now and then I lose one to some sort of animal that is nibbling them, so I hope I don't lose them all to whatever it is. I haven't seen any rabbits, so I don't think they are the problem. We have a ton of squirrels in the yard, but someone told me they don't bother veggie gardens, so I guess it's not them. I have no idea. There are a ton of birds in the yard too but I don't think birds bother veggies either. This is my first time ever planting a garden so I really have no clue what I'm doing. If anything actually ends up producing it will be a miracle.
Ya, I totally ended up purging.
Why can't anyone in my family learn that if you leave a metal can on the sink it is going to cause rust rings!?!? I just cleaned that room and I go in there and find a can of shaving cream and a can of deodorant sitting on the wet sink. Frustrating. Put the crap away when you're done with it and wipe off the sink while your at it!
I had a birthday last month and for the first time in ten years Hub actually bought me a gift. He actually said, "it took ten years, but I did pretty good this year didn't I?" and was totally serious. I had to stop and think about it for a few minutes, but it was true... he really hadn't ever gotten me a birthday gift before. I guess in another ten years I might get another.
I wanted to get him a really nice father's day gift. It's not happening now. No, not because of the birthday thing. It is because of his increasingly frustrating spending habits. He just can't keep from buying stupid crap he doesn't need, even when we can't afford it because bills are due. The other day we were at the store and he found some stupid game he wanted to buy, so I told him if he got it that he could consider that his father's day gift. He bought it. There ya go! Enjoy your crappy game when you could have had a new cell phone. Dumbass!
Dot is starting to date and I find myself really trying to push her away from the kind of guys she shouldn't be with. How do I know she shouldn't be with them? Because they remind me of many of the guys I dated. Yikes! Don't want her going down that road. The problem with trying to tell your teenage daughter not to date a guy because he is a loser, is that teenage daughters think their mother is not only completely stupid, but also out to destroy their lives. In other words, they always want to do the opposite of what mom says. I have to find a more subtle (like subliminal) way of getting her to do what I want.
I recently got a job. I'm less than thrilled. First of all, I don't want a job. I want to be home with Tot. He spends his days with Hub now instead of me, or me and Hub. It's better than a babysitter but still not my ideal. He lets him watch too much TV for one thing. I also like to do educational activities with Tot, and Hub doesn't do that. He thinks certain activities are too hard for Tot. That is because this child already knows how to play people and can act like he doesn't get something if he doesn't want to do it. I know better, but Hub falls for it every time. Another reason I am less than thrilled is that it is a moron job, or a monkey job. Which basically means that any moron or a trained (and not even a well trained) monkey could do it. It requires no brain power at all. It's dreadful! It is also at a place I never imagined myself working and I haven't even told most people I know that I have a job because I am embarrassed to tell them where it is.
I actually hate working so much that there are days that I'm driving to work that I actually have the thought cross my mind that if my car crashed on the drive there that I wouldn't have to go. I would never intentionally crash my car! I want to be clear about that. But how scary is it that the thought actually enters my mind?!?
Life really isn't all bad. I just have some really crappy thoughts in my head right now. I guess that is why I am here posting on the blog which I almost never do. I just need to get these things out of my head.

The return of Hub

2010-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

The trial separation is ending. Hub is going to come back home. I honestly don't give a crap one way or another about the marriage. I need him here though. Not for me, but for Tot. I can't do the single parent thing. Not with this kid. He is too high maintenance. I just can't raise him alone. I feel like a bad mom so many times because I just get frustrated with him and end up yelling at him to shut up and go away and leave me alone. I hate that I do that and I try not to. But until you've dealt with a kid like him.... you just don't know how hard it is. Nothing ever sinks in. He doesn't learn from his mistakes and doesn't seem to be able to determine right from wrong. I guess he truly is his father's son.

My depression continues. I just want to escape it all for a little while. I'd love a vacation where I could be totally alone. Maybe not totally alone..... just without the family. Of course then I would be alone because I have no friends. Depressing!

on this night?

2009-12-31T15:49:00.001-08:00

I can't help but wonder what Hub will be doing tonight. It's New Years Eve. Will he go out to a bar? Will he drink? Party? Go home with a woman?

We are in a trial separation, but in my mind that doesn't mean we are free to be with others. He agreed to that, but....... will he think the same way tonight???

Separation

2009-12-06T08:21:00.000-08:00

We are on a trial separation. It was time to send the message that I am seriously thinking of bringing things to an end. There must be an end here! The question is....
will I end the marriage?
or
will he end all the stupid SA crap he is doing?

Time, and separation, will tell.

Sitting in Silence

2009-11-20T21:11:00.001-08:00

I sit in silence, watching an old black and white film. It has something to do with alcoholism. Funny, I think, that such a topic was featured in a film so old. Not sure why it had never occurred to me that this is a problem that has been around for so, so long. Or at least I never realized it was recognized so long ago.

It is nearing 4am and still I sit and watch the film. I should be sleeping. I know that. Instead I sit and watch a film about one kind of addiction while my life unravels due to another. It's the reason I am awake. The reason I sit alone in the dark watching old movies on TV. Once more shunned by the man who should want me. The man I should not want and yet I do.

The evening started with such high hopes on my part. A few hours to ourselves. Sitting together on the couch, holding each other close. Then time to retreat to the bedroom. Everything had pointed to an intimate evening. Instead he talks about anything he can think of. Anything but us. Anything but what should very naturally be happening.

I lay there getting angry. I don't want to talk about the children. Not about work. Not about any of these stupid things he mentions. I truly do not want to talk at all.

Finally I am fed up with it all and call him out. Why? Why are you talking about these things? Why are you not touching me? Trying to be with me? Why? No answer. Only silence. We lay in silence and time ticks by. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. It's enough. I get up, taking my pillow and blanket with me I retreat to the couch.

I sit in silence and watch an old black and white film about one kind of addiction while in my mind I think of how another has ruined my marriage.

just a rant

2009-08-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

So one of my Facebook friends is a girl I used to work with. She just posted pictures of her new house. Big, giant house. Nice neighborhood. Expensive. Fancy. Perfect. And how did she manage to move into a house like that? Her husband. All because she married a guy who has a great job, makes really great money. Ok, I know it would be nice to be happy for her. "Good for her" and all that jazz. No freaking way! Can't do it.

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I went out with her for drinks after work one night. The night got later and later, she partied harder and harder. By the end of the night she was heading up to a hotel room with the band. The whole freaking band! Not just one guy... but 4 of them. Oh! and at the time she was living with the guy that she is now married to. She had spent the whole night telling me how she didn't really love him, wasn't even really attracted to him, but he made good money and bought her and her kids stuff and took care of her. Then she ends up calling him and telling him she is too drunk to drive home and staying at my house when she's really going to a hotel room to sleep with an entire freaking band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now she's on Facebook bragging about her nice, new house that this poor guy bought for them. I want to puke! I want to scream!

I want to know why the users and abusers get ahead while those of us who genuinely love and care about people constantly get screwed over!?!?!?!

I want to know why life is so unfu****g fair!?!?!?!?!?!?!

false life

2009-08-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

I mentioned hiding from life by living a false life online. My false life is playing a character in a game. Stupid little role playing games online. Dumb stuff like farmtown or yoville on facebook. Just dumb little games where I can put on a false identity and be someone I'm not. Games where I can earn fake money and buy fake things and have a fake life full of things I can't get in real life. It's harmless but it's not. It doesn't hurt anyone. Not really. But at the same time it takes away time from my real life. It takes away time I could be playing with the kids or exercising or cleaning the house.

I am not talking about spending a few minutes or even an hour or two playing these games. I'm talking about playing 5 or 6 hours out of the day. It's become an addiction for me. I tell myself I won't get online and play but then I do it anyway. Then I tell myself I won't play for very long but the next thing I know, I've been playing for 4 hours. I have found myself online at 2 in the morning just staring at my farm in farmtown thinking about what I will buy next and how I will rearrange the farm. It's stupid. It's just plain stupid! It's a waste of my life and I know that, but still I don't stop. Everyday I am right back at it.

I am beginning to wonder if it's much different from what Hub does. He gets online and dives into role playing games too. His are different. Not innocent games. His involve sex and women. His games involve chat rooms and adult sites. His big thing is to chat with women and play a role. The dominant role. That's his big thing. To act like he's in control. He gets his kicks from playing the role of someone who has all the power.

I don't know if it's because he feels like he doesn't have any control or power in the real world. Maybe it is. That's why I like the games I play, isn't it? Because I can have money and nice things. Things I don't have in real life. So maybe it's not that different... what I do and what he does.

Of course my games don't hurt him. They don't make him feel like he's less than he is. That's what he makes me feel when he seeks his online games. It makes me feel like I am not enough. Not what he wants. But then, if he really wants a woman that will cower down and give in to his every command...... well, I don't want to be what he wants then. I don't want to be that woman.

So we live our false lives. Mine hidden in the fantasy of having money. His hidden in the fantasy of being in control.

Meanwhile our real lives slip further and further away. Time being thrown away like garbage. Precious time. Time that will never be returned.