It was this time last year that something triggered memories of the past for me and prompted me to write a series of posts about some of the things Hub and I had done. The reason it's funny is because those times are on my mind again now.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the timing though. While the events that I wrote about did not take place at this time of year, THE event... the one that was really triggered in my mind last year... it did take place at this time of year. So I suppose it is not so odd that it would manifest around this time each year.
Of course, it has not been each year. The event took place several years ago and yet it was only last year and again this year that it has all really been on my mind. Maybe last year's trigger was a catalyst and perhaps it will now forever be on my mind each fall.
So what was it last year that triggered these thoughts of the event? A name and a photo.
I was reading an article online about the team that Hub used to work for. At the end of that article was links to other top stories that had recently taken place in the league. One of those links held a name I had not heard in years. The name brought to mind the most soulful brown eyes I have ever had the pleasure of looking into. I clicked on the article and read, trying to determine if it was in fact the same man whose eyes, among other things, I would never forget. As I read I became more and more sure it was him, and then there was the photo.
There were those full, soft lips, the well defined nose, the high cheek bones, and the now shorter and less wild blonde hair. I could not see the eyes though. I knew it was him, but I wanted to see the eyes. I needed to see them. I didn't realize until that moment how much I had, for years, been wanting to look again into those eyes.
I clicked and clicked again. I read article after article, stat after stat, searched picture after picture after picture. Finally I found one that showed his full face including those deep brown eyes. They were as beautiful as I remembered but there was something missing. It was the fire, the passion, the desire that I had once seen in them. It was the longing, the longing for me of all people, that was missing. I knew right then that my own eyes were missing that same something. They had never before and never would again contain the same fire they had that night so many years ago.
When I close my eyes I still see the fire in his eyes. I still hear his breathing. I still feel his touch. My heart still beats harder and faster. My mouth still waters. I still long for one last touch, one last moment, one last anything. Anything! Even if it is just the goodbye we never got to say.
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