I've discovered something. Something important.
I do not want to read about sex addiction. I do not want to read about triggers. I do not want to read the sad tales of women dealing with all that comes along with loving a man who is a sex addict.
I may be selfish.
I may be avoiding.
I may be a lot of things, but one thing I am not is in the mood for all the drama.
I have cut a great deal of drama out of my life by just letting go of it all. I do not talk about it. I do not think about it. If there are signs I choose not to see them. If there is some sort of trigger I avoid it and find a distraction.
I don't want to feel the way I did those years after discovering Hub's big, ugly, horrible, life-altering secret. Those were horrible times and I don't want to feel horrible.
Am I happy? Not always.
Is my marriage good? Fuck no.
Am I fixing things? Nope!
Do I care? Sometimes, but not all that often.
I have sort of settled into this life. We live together. We raise kids together. We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other. Mostly though we just have boring moments of everyday life.
It may not be exciting, but it is a hell of a lot better than feeling horrible all the time. I would rather feel nothing than feel what I felt for those years of hell after finding out the truth. I will take numbness over agonizing pain any day!!!
2 thoughts shared:
"We have moments of happiness and we have moments when we can't seem to stand each other."
Sounds like a very typical marriage, I think. Hey, 50% (at least) end up in divorce and the other 50%??? Are they ALL ecstatically happy with their marriages? I would venture to say that at least 25% are in the same boat we are. At least. Some are just plain in la la land... and maybe 5-10% are really great. tops.
"Am I fixing things? Nope!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That was a real LOL, too, too funny.
Before I forget, thank you so much for the very sweet comments. And ya know what... you are absolutely right and I never really thought about it. But, first my mom dumped my psychotic father and then lost nearly every single one of her friends, because back in 1970-- "nice Jewish" people from Indiana (Yes, I was one of five other jews living there) ;) didn't do such nasty things as get a DIVORCE!
Thank God she did though!
And then we hung out for one more year while she finished up her BA, (after a 27 year break!) And then we moved waaaaay up... to Wisconsin... so Mom could get her master's (I was still in high school) and yes, neither of us knew ANYONE and most of my mom's fellow collegiates were in their 20's of course. And she was pushing 50.
We were both so busy... but yes, she did treat her 15 yr old daughter as a friend. oh well... one day, i'll write about WHO that person was... (sneak preview) It was a beloved relative. (and yes, he was married, at that time) My mom and him DID end up getting married and stayed married (quite happily) until he died 10.5 years ago. The fairy tale CAN happen, but its rare. Oh, and they had their moments too, believe me!
I fully understand where you are coming from, Rockie. And ya know what...? I actually think that this is one of the healthiest, most honest dialogs I have ever read. And the reason for that is pretty simple.
We cannot control the actions of others and we really can't change them all that much either. So, there's NOTHING to fix. I always say... make it work for YOU, or leave. Those are your two choices.
I don't have sex with my husband. no interest and neither does he. Two sexual anorexics living together. haha!
it works... and he's ALMOST as funny as I am haha! and laughs at all of my inane commentary about our fucked up world and jokes. Today's joke was FWB = (fucking without boundaries) He fixes my computer. (that right there, is reason enough to stay!) He picks up stuff at the grocery store/pharmacy/etc. without complaining.
he takes out the trash. does the recycling. pays the bills. buys me cheap supermarket flowers for mother's day and veneral disease Day... AND he brings home a meager pay check, but its steady.
If I am ever in great need... he drops everything, to come to my aid. Actually, he does that for just about anyone who asks him.
And most importantly, he agrees with (almost) EVERYTHING I say and do when it comes to raising our retarded kids.
ya know... it could be a lot worse... a helluva lot worse.
more coming...
Honey... I'm with you 100%. I went through that kind of agonizing hell too... and spent waaaaaaaay too much of my precious life crying my eyes out... and for what, huh??? Now when I cry, its usually for something meaningful, like my autistic teenager actually gave me a hug and signs off his emails... "love, your son Adam" (to differentiate from ALL of the other Adams in my life-- haha!)
BTW, I don't think that you are numb, at all. You are accepting. You are not in denial. You understand, ALL, but you are choosing not to delve deeper and THAT is okay! Sometimes I want to say to a woman. Look, you were with him for 25 years, none the wiser--- and thought he walked on water...Now, that you know that he is actually a selfish prick, and you are rocking the boat, its become unbearable.
Take all that money for rehab and shrinks and get a message and a facial and a pedicure. Buy a pretty dress and some cute sandals, smile at EVERYONE, you pass by and have fun! life's too short.
xo,
L
PS: That wellbutrin shit really works! i'm so fucking happpppppyyyy!!!!!!!!!
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