Friday, April 21, 2017

Is Anybody Out There

There was a time when this blog was my lifeline. It gave voice to my pain and helped me to struggle through and to heal in some ways.

It was also a link to community. A community of women who had been hurt by SA. That community seems to have vanished.

I myself drifted away. Hub's SA never completely stopped but it changed in ways and so did I. I got to a point where it didn't weigh me down. I still feel as though I've not reached the surface, but I am no longer stuck down in the rocks. I am stronger for my struggles, even if I seem no wiser most of the time. But I got to a point in which I no longer needed to be tethered to life by the community.

I wonder about them all now. Those women who hurt and struggled along with me in those darkest of days? Did they find what they needed to heal? Did they move on? Are they still crushed down in the depths of SA bullshit?

All the old blogs have grown silent, as has mine. So I wonder....
Is anybody out there?

Monday, April 21, 2014

I Live

I live. Yes, I live on. Not at rock bottom anymore. Nowhere above the surface though. I am still in the depths kicking my way upward. Up toward the distant glow that can only be the surface.  Sometimes I manage to force myself upwards and other times I sink a bit back down. I make progress though.  Slowly. Slowly. Slowly. I kick and push and fight my way upwards. At times the crushing weight of the murky depths threatens to rip the air from my lungs but I do not let it. There are times, like today, when I feel the pressure threatening me and I nearly give in. Then I look down at the jagged rocks below. I stare at them and remember the pain. It hurts.  The pain cuts as though I were still there trapped at the rocky bottom. I have to look away. I have to leave those rocks behind. They are still too recent a past for me. They still have the power to cut and then the salt of the watery depths seeps into my wounds and sting. Oh how it stings. And so I try not to look back. Not now. Not just yet. Someday. Someday I will look back and glorify in the progress but for now I simply avoid looking back.

Friday, October 5, 2012


I've been blogging AWOL. No blogging. No reading blogs.

Instead I have been trying to be more present in the real world. Whatever that means.

I've been making an effort to make some friends. Real ones. Actual people living in the actual world.
This is something new for me, because for nearly twenty years I haven't really had any friends.

I was actually pretty okay with just having online "friends" but then it started to seem that it probably wasn't healthy to live that way. The peril of seeking a degree with a focus in psychology is that you actually start to think about that psychological bullshit in terms of your own life.


I managed to make several acquaintances but not really friends. Recently though I have kind of managed to turn one or two of the acquaintanceships (is that a word? i don't care, i like it) into minor friendships. The kind of friendships where you actually get together and do stuff with each other. You know, like go out to dinner or stop by for coffee.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to one of my new friend's house for coffee and to talk about books. She was also going to loan me some books from her library. It is actually two bookshelves in her basement, but if she want to call it a library I am not one to rain on her literary parade. She tells me about a few books and I pick a few that sound interesting.

Then she hands me a book that she says in one of her husband's books and tells me, "It is a dry, twisted sort of humor that I found kind of mean. You should read it, I think you'll really like it."
Ummmmmm..... thanks? Does this mean I am twisted and have a mean sense of humor?

Okay, so I did really like the book. and yes, I do actually have a dry, twisted, and occasionally cruel sense of humor. Actually the fact that she realizes these things about me and still wants to be friends is kinda cool to me. I am not into being fake, so.... take me as I am or piss off. It is good to have people who are willing to take me as I am.

I just might make it in the real world.

Monday, June 4, 2012


Most days I do pretty well. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

Then there are the days in which I just want to cry. Nothing really happens to bring it on. No major tragedies have struck. Nothing has changed.

It is internal.

My heart, my soul is too full and it feels as though it must overflow. This overflowing comes in the form of a downpour of tears. The tears are healing. They renew me. They put me back in balance.

However, until they flow I feel heavy. Burdened. I am simply too full.

Full of what I do not know.

I only know that there is too much of something, maybe everything, inside of me and it must be released.

Today is one of those days. The weight of it all... whether all equals nothing, something, or everything... is too much to bear. It is crushing me from the inside out. I feel heavy. My heart. My soul. My body. My mind. My emotions. Every inch of me is burdened with this weight.

There is too much and it is crushing me.

I need release.

I need to cry and cry and cry until there are no more tears. No more heaviness. No more burden. No more of anything left to make me feel this way.

Another burden piles upon it all though. The burden of holding it all together. Keeping it all inside. Because no one can see this release. It is personal. It is too much for those I love and care about to witness. And so I keep the weight inside. I carry the burden and hold in the tears. I protect those I love from seeing me fall apart.

My heart and soul continue to be crushed under this weight. Until...

Until I can find time. Precious time. Time to be alone and let go. Let go the burden. Let go the crushing weight that is sucking me down further and further into madness. Until I can set myself free.

If only that time would come.

Until then....

I just want to cry.

Monday, April 16, 2012

You are a cheap bastard Hub

"She better come up with the money soon cause by next month it is going to be $180 dollars."

This was Hub bitching about Dot's insurance earlier today.

She is a senior in high school. We want her to learn about responsibility and how to take care of her self financially. Part of that is done by letting her know that if she is going to be driving the car, she needs to pay her portion of the insurance. $90 a month for a female, teenage driver. Holy crap that is pricey!


Dot's car is not really her car. It was my car until we used the tax money last year to get me a used van. Then it was to become her car to use, but really still ours. That lasted about two months before Hub's car became.... ummmm.... I am not sure what it became. He calls it undrivable, but that is not really accurate. It needs a new tire, but is still drivable. He could get a new tire but he is too cheap. It also has expired tags. He could pay for the tags but he is really too cheap. It has no insurance on it because he is too cheap and you cannot get it tagged without insurance. This is the real reason it is undrivable. Not because it does not run, but because he is too cheap to get it insured, tagged, and fix the tire. So after two months of driving "her" car, Dot lost it because Hub needed to drive it instead of his "undrivable" car.

Since she was not driving "her" car we dropped her off the insurance. Well, when I say "we" I really mean Hub. So for several months now Hub has been driving "Dot's" car. He drove it to the point that it actually was almost undrivable. (he is rough on cars. ie... he tears the shit out of them) $500 later it is running good again. We also put Dot back on the insurance because I was going out of town for a couple of weeks (more on that in a later post) and the only way everyone could get where they needed to be was for Hub to drive my van and for Dot to drive herself and Sonny around in her car.

I have been back for a few days and have managed to find ways to keep Dot driving her car. This means sometimes driving Hub to work and sometimes staying "stuck" at home and letting him drive my van. (of course this means my van will probably need work done soon if he keeps driving it since he is so rough on cars) Today, Dot having the car suddenly became an issue. At least for Hub it did.

It seems that if she is going to keep driving the car she needs to pay her portion of the insurance. Now this is our rule and I am totally on board with it, but....
I was under the assumption (as is Dot) that this was going to start next month. We already paid the insurance for this month with no mention of Dot paying her portion. We needed her to be able to drive because I was gone. We had the money and she did not. I thought (and so did Dot) that we were covering this month and she would start paying next month. Why did we think this? Because it is what Hub had said when we paid it. His words were "starting next month insurance is going to cost you $90 a month." That was the plan and it was fine until today when Hub was disturbed to realize I need my van tomorrow and will have to drive him to work tomorrow and will have to pick him up. Now it is an issue.

Now suddenly he wants her to pay for this month and next.

She is a senior in high school. This is her last month of school. She has a million things going on at school right now. She is studying for finals. She has prom. She has graduation. She has.... well, she has a full schedule that means she cannot work very many shifts at her job right now. Basically, it means the kid is broke right now. So paying $180? That is not going to happen. She is going to struggle with the $90 for next month.

So, Hub says that shit about $180 and I say, "You are going to make her pay for this month too?"
Hub, "That is what we agreed to."
Me, "I thought we were covering this month and she was starting to pay next month."
Hub, "It is 90 a month, she needs to pay it every month."
Me, "But I thought that was starting next month. We already paid it this month. We covered it. I thought that was the understanding."
Hub, totally pissed off now, "fuck it. I'll just pay it. She doesn't have to pay for any fucking insurance like she doesn't have to do anything else around here."
Me, keeping my cool and not letting him try and get me sucked into his bullshit, "no, she will pay it starting next month, but we already paid it this month."
End of conversation!

Of course Hub quickly found a reason to leave the house and go run errands. It is this constant cycle of say one thing and try to do another. Followed by an angry outburst. Followed by an "oh poor me, i have to do it all" tantrum. Followed by running away and licking his wounded pride.

Get over yourself Hub! Nobody gives a fuck and nobody feels sorry for you. If you would just quit being such a cheap bastard you would have your own fucking car to drive instead of having it sit out front like an ugly yard decoration.

(and no, that is not really Hub's car nor our yard)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Life is Life

I keep meaning to come here and write about The Event. I will get to it eventually. It is funny how a certain time of year can bring on the memories so vividly and then a few days pass and it all just floats back into the haziness of the past. I will get to it though, I promise. I know people would rather read the questionable details of my past than the mundane ramblings of my boring present. This blog is for me though so I will get to it in my own time. Whenever the memories sneak back up on me, and they will.

Right now life is just.... life.

There is nothing major going on. Things aren't good and they aren't bad. The marriage is still just one of convenience. Convenient in that he pays the bills and helps out with Tot in those moments when I just can't take the kid anymore. Don't get me wrong.... I love Tot and most times with him are great. But.... you don't have a kids with his issues and behaviors and never have moments when you feel like you have had enough and need a mental and physical break from it all.

It is actually kind of funny just how mundane things have gotten since I have chosen to just ignore Hubs SA crap. I live my life and he lives his. Mine is a sexless life, which is something I NEVER thought I would/could do. His is a life of virtual sex as in internet smut, phone calls, and a lot of time with his own damn hand. Whatever. I don't want him touching me anymore so have at yourself Hubs.

Like I said, life is mundane. It is the little things that irritate me now since I don't let the big shit get to me anymore. Like.... pick up your nasty socks of the floor and take them to the laundry room cause I don't want to touch those things! Even worse is the... get your disgusting underwear out of the bathroom cause there is no way in hell I am touching those and they are sitting in front of the heater vent cooking up a stink. (who does that?!?)

Right now I am annoyed because I was going to sign up to chaperone on Tot's field trip he has coming up next month but Hubs filled out the form and signed himself up to do it. He asked for the day off work so he could. I guess I should be glad he is such an involved dad but of all the field trips (and Tot's class does a LOT of them. I think his teacher doesn't like to have to actually teach) there were only two that sounded fun and this is one of them. Both Dot and Sonny did fieldtrips to this place years ago and I chaperoned both of their trips there. It was kind of my thing. I thought it would be cool to say I did it for all three of my kids, but I guess that isn't going to happen. Sure, Hubs and I could both go but that would mean spending time with Hubs and I would rather not.

I do my best to avoid contact with him unless it is necessary. It is sorting of like living with someone you are divorced from. It is weird, but sometimes necessary. Until I finish school I just cannot work full time. I need him to pay the bills. On that front things are, or at least should be, looking up. He FINALLY got a good job. Once he gave up the idea of ever working in pro sports again he was able to find something else he could do and is actually good at. He is rising up in the ranks fairly quickly so promotions and pay increases have come along. We are still not where we need to be financially but it is getting better. We can almost pay all the bills each month now. After sticking with him through the worst of the SA shit and the worst of the financial shit, I hate the idea of leaving now that he is actually starting to make some money. Why stick around through the hard financial times just to miss out when they eventually get good? That may sound like I am a gold-digger (ha!) or a user, but honestly for all I have put up with over the years I deserve a little time sitting on my ass having him take care of me.

So that is it. Life is just a series of mundane annoyances and occasional good moments. Boring but somewhat stable for now.

Monday, February 6, 2012

My grandma went to heaven and all i got was this lousy late penalty

Here I am avoiding course work. I shouldn't be avoiding more than usual. It is late. Really late. Some of it was due Friday and some was due Sunday... today is Monday. I get a 10% deduction for each day late. So the Friday assignment is essentially fucked.

My grandma died last week. You can save the "i am so sorry for your loss" stuff. She was over a hundered years old so it wasn't really a shocker. Her quality of life was pretty shit at that point so death was likely a blessing. But the real reason to save the sympathy for me is because I didn't really know her. I could probably count on my fingers the number of times I actually recall having seen her. She was not one of those warm, fuzzy grandmas. She was basically just the woman who gave birth to my father. For that I am greatful because he is a great guy despite having been raised by her.

Anyway.... for my dad's sake I went to my grandmothers funeral. It meant driving five hours to get there on Thursday. Then there was all the time spent at the funeral and then drivin to the cemetary which was in a completely different town than the funeral so it was another 40mins or so just gettting there then standing in the cold and rain and then 40mins back to town. Then the pot-luck (or in this case pot-unlucky) lunch at the church. It ate up a large chunk of Friday. Then of course the rest of the weekend was spent spending time with family i have not seen in a long time and then the five hour drive home.

In the middle of all that I needed to get my course work done. It didn't happen. So now I should be doing it so I can get at least partial credit, but my mind is just not in it. I cannot concentrate so reading is not effective at all. I get to the end of a page and I remember nothing that I just read. I can't really write the papers if I don't retain the info from the chapters. So seriously.... I am just fucked right now in regard to these assignments.

I am so over this whole school thing anyway. I only have a couple of months left but I wish I were done now. I am burnt out. I am just over it!
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