on this night?

I can't help but wonder what Hub will be doing tonight. It's New Years Eve. Will he go out to a bar? Will he drink? Party? Go home with a woman?

We are in a trial separation, but in my mind that doesn't mean we are free to be with others. He agreed to that, but....... will he think the same way tonight???

Separation

We are on a trial separation. It was time to send the message that I am seriously thinking of bringing things to an end. There must be an end here! The question is....
will I end the marriage?
or
will he end all the stupid SA crap he is doing?

Time, and separation, will tell.

Sitting in Silence

I sit in silence, watching an old black and white film. It has something to do with alcoholism. Funny, I think, that such a topic was featured in a film so old. Not sure why it had never occurred to me that this is a problem that has been around for so, so long. Or at least I never realized it was recognized so long ago.

It is nearing 4am and still I sit and watch the film. I should be sleeping. I know that. Instead I sit and watch a film about one kind of addiction while my life unravels due to another. It's the reason I am awake. The reason I sit alone in the dark watching old movies on TV. Once more shunned by the man who should want me. The man I should not want and yet I do.

The evening started with such high hopes on my part. A few hours to ourselves. Sitting together on the couch, holding each other close. Then time to retreat to the bedroom. Everything had pointed to an intimate evening. Instead he talks about anything he can think of. Anything but us. Anything but what should very naturally be happening.

I lay there getting angry. I don't want to talk about the children. Not about work. Not about any of these stupid things he mentions. I truly do not want to talk at all.

Finally I am fed up with it all and call him out. Why? Why are you talking about these things? Why are you not touching me? Trying to be with me? Why? No answer. Only silence. We lay in silence and time ticks by. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty. It's enough. I get up, taking my pillow and blanket with me I retreat to the couch.

I sit in silence and watch an old black and white film about one kind of addiction while in my mind I think of how another has ruined my marriage.

just a rant

So one of my Facebook friends is a girl I used to work with. She just posted pictures of her new house. Big, giant house. Nice neighborhood. Expensive. Fancy. Perfect. And how did she manage to move into a house like that? Her husband. All because she married a guy who has a great job, makes really great money. Ok, I know it would be nice to be happy for her. "Good for her" and all that jazz. No freaking way! Can't do it.

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I went out with her for drinks after work one night. The night got later and later, she partied harder and harder. By the end of the night she was heading up to a hotel room with the band. The whole freaking band! Not just one guy... but 4 of them. Oh! and at the time she was living with the guy that she is now married to. She had spent the whole night telling me how she didn't really love him, wasn't even really attracted to him, but he made good money and bought her and her kids stuff and took care of her. Then she ends up calling him and telling him she is too drunk to drive home and staying at my house when she's really going to a hotel room to sleep with an entire freaking band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now she's on Facebook bragging about her nice, new house that this poor guy bought for them. I want to puke! I want to scream!

I want to know why the users and abusers get ahead while those of us who genuinely love and care about people constantly get screwed over!?!?!?!

I want to know why life is so unfu****g fair!?!?!?!?!?!?!

false life

I mentioned hiding from life by living a false life online. My false life is playing a character in a game. Stupid little role playing games online. Dumb stuff like farmtown or yoville on facebook. Just dumb little games where I can put on a false identity and be someone I'm not. Games where I can earn fake money and buy fake things and have a fake life full of things I can't get in real life. It's harmless but it's not. It doesn't hurt anyone. Not really. But at the same time it takes away time from my real life. It takes away time I could be playing with the kids or exercising or cleaning the house.

I am not talking about spending a few minutes or even an hour or two playing these games. I'm talking about playing 5 or 6 hours out of the day. It's become an addiction for me. I tell myself I won't get online and play but then I do it anyway. Then I tell myself I won't play for very long but the next thing I know, I've been playing for 4 hours. I have found myself online at 2 in the morning just staring at my farm in farmtown thinking about what I will buy next and how I will rearrange the farm. It's stupid. It's just plain stupid! It's a waste of my life and I know that, but still I don't stop. Everyday I am right back at it.

I am beginning to wonder if it's much different from what Hub does. He gets online and dives into role playing games too. His are different. Not innocent games. His involve sex and women. His games involve chat rooms and adult sites. His big thing is to chat with women and play a role. The dominant role. That's his big thing. To act like he's in control. He gets his kicks from playing the role of someone who has all the power.

I don't know if it's because he feels like he doesn't have any control or power in the real world. Maybe it is. That's why I like the games I play, isn't it? Because I can have money and nice things. Things I don't have in real life. So maybe it's not that different... what I do and what he does.

Of course my games don't hurt him. They don't make him feel like he's less than he is. That's what he makes me feel when he seeks his online games. It makes me feel like I am not enough. Not what he wants. But then, if he really wants a woman that will cower down and give in to his every command...... well, I don't want to be what he wants then. I don't want to be that woman.

So we live our false lives. Mine hidden in the fantasy of having money. His hidden in the fantasy of being in control.

Meanwhile our real lives slip further and further away. Time being thrown away like garbage. Precious time. Time that will never be returned.

Depressing

I am feeling very depressed lately. Not clinical depression. Not the stuff that can be fixed with medication. Maybe it can be disguised with meds, but not fixed. I've considered the meds. It won't do me any good though. Not really. It might make me feel better. Might. It won't cure me of the depression. That's what I really want. What I need. Cured.

Masking the problems is a quick fix. One I don't want. I just want the crap in my life that is making me depressed to go away. Pills won't do that.

Sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Sometimes it's just a condition of life. That is what mine is. Sometimes your life just sucks so bad that it gets you down. Really down. That's where I am at right now. Life sucks.

I'd stay in bed all day if it were an option. Sleeping is good. When I am asleep I don't have to face the harsh realities of life. I don't have to think about the bills that aren't getting paid. I don't have to think about the fact that I don't have money to buy the kids clothes and shoes for school. I don't even have the money to buy them school supplies like paper and pens and pencils. When I am sleeping I don't have to worry that the car will be repo'd or that the electricity will be shut off.

It's not all financial worries. There is still the crap with Hub. I've been doing a good job of burying my head in the sand and not thinking about his SA. Sometimes something will happen that triggers me and I get into the freak out mode over it all. Mostly though I just avoid it all. Try not to think about it and pretend it doesn't exist. It's getting easier to do. That's probably not a good thing though. That gets me depressed too. Thinking about how my marriage has become such a farce that I don't even care what Hub does or doesn't do anymore. I should care, but I don't. That is depressing.

I have been spending a good deal of time hiding from real life lately. The internet is a great tool for that. Why face real life when you can get lost in a false life online? (sigh) That's depressing too. Playing stupid games on the internet to escape reality? That's sad and pathetic. It's depressing.

Life is just.... depressing!

empty shell

We're struggling financially again. No money to make the car payment. It has one of those devices that keeps the car from starting if you don't make the payment. (you have to enter a code that they give you once payment is made) so..... Tomorrow the car will not start.

No money for food either. I've scraped up change and hit the dollar menus at the fast food places this week to get the kids lunch. Lots of ramen noodles and hotdogs too.

I am at a real low point. Not an all time low, but low. It was this time last year that I hit my all time low. I feel as though I should write it out but I feel too low to even do that. Even the post I am doing now is nowhere close to how I would normally write. I don't have it in me right now. Hell! I don't have much of myself in me. That's the truth of it. I am an empty shell. My heart, my soul......... they are missing.